My partner confessed to sexually abusing his sister when he was 12/13 and she was 3/4

[PeaSoup]

TW graphic child abuse, this is a really hard post to read and write.



I am numb. My bf of two years just came crying hysterically to me. He confided that he molested (his choice of words, I call it rape) his little sister when he was 12-13 and she was 3 or 4.

It happened three times. Twice he got her to perform oral by saying his penis was a lollypop and the third time he penetrated with his finger using lotion. He told her if she told anyone that she would go to a dark place underground or something like that. He said she seemed like she thought it was just a game of some sort. The third time she went and told her 7-year-old sister he put lotion on her vagina which he denied and it never happened again. He knew it was wrong at the time but he thinks he semi justified it to himself since she was what he thought at the time was a "willing participant" 

His family don't know, he doesn't think his sister remembers this as he thinks she would have said something.This was 20 years ago. .(she's mid 20s now and we are in our 30s). 

I remained calm and comforted him and told him he needs to get a therapist asap as that's really something that requires help. He may have also been abused himself as he doesn't have much of a memory before age 9 of anything, but he doesn't know. He also may have just come up with this on his own. He said he got the idea after watching porn on the internet and wanting to try what he saw.

It's established that he needs help.

But I need help. I don't know what to do. I remained calm but I really hate him right now. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should stay with him. I was already upset with him for lying about some things about his past (mostly that he had cheated on his last partner) and one thing pertinent to us (that he had lied to me about being tested for stds before we had sex...he has since tested clear). This came out because he was deciding to come clean with everything. I am the only person he has ever told. 

But now I don't know what to do or how to take care of myself. It's triggering because I was "date raped" (I put that in quotes because my date was 26 and I was 15 so it's more than that) and I have done the work, but still hate abusers passionately.

Or whether I should ask him to not talk to me about it anymore. Has anyone been in this situation? I just need a hug and some help on what I can do or should do. Thanks. 

[Seraphim]

Personally, as a survivor of child sexual abuse and being raped as an adult. I would be gone. I couldn’t support him in his journey knowing he raped a 3 year old. Abused or not this gives him zero right to do this.  And you don’t know when he will abuse another child . 
 

Just , nope. 

[Batya33]

I’d be concerned he’d do this again - I’m just not getting that he’s remorseful and apparently he never sought help for this.  I guess if you want to help him find a therapist but from a distance - meaning you can offer to ask around or offer to help with internet searches of potential therapists - but from a distance - please stop seeing him. He already lied to you and put you at great risk of an std and he didn’t care.

 This adult he abused as a child likely remembers something and her 7 year old sister probably remembers wondering about the lotion incident. He sounds like he has severe issues if he was able to abuse a child in that way and heaven forbid you ever have his child !  Yes I’d end it.  Right away. I’m sorry. What a shock. 

[1a1a]

My 2 cents, I don’t think it’s likely he’s the person he was when he was 13. 
 

The questions are how is adult him with boundaries?

And, do you feel uncomfortable around him now? 
 

Leave aside for the moment the question of if he can or should be forgiven, whatever you conclude at an intellectual level, what you feel is going to override that and if you go on feeling uncomfortable and or revulsed then it’s time to set him free. 
 

Meanwhile I hope he gets a good mental health professional on his team, of all the things to later regret doing that is an absolute doozy. But we have to live with our mistakes.

 

Wishing you both clarity. 

[PeaSoup]

I do feel that he's remorseful and he's incredibly guilty this ever happened. He was already seeking therapy but now I think he needs a specialist. I agree about ending it, I'm not trying to defend him, but I do think he's remorseful...I just keep going back to how I was when I was 12-13 and I absolutely knew by then this was not ok...hell I don't remember ever knowing a time when this was not ok. 

I'm just in such utter shock right now. Like numb. I don't know what to do for my own mental health. I obviously can't medle, but need to do something to not go crazy.

[PeaSoup]

1 minute ago, 1a1a said:

My 2 cents, I don’t think it’s likely he’s the person he was when he was 13. 
 

The questions are how is adult him with boundaries?

And, do you feel uncomfortable around him now? 
 

Leave aside for the moment the question of if he can or should be forgiven, whatever you conclude at an intellectual level, what you feel is going to override that and if you go on feeling uncomfortable and or revulsed then it’s time to set him free. 
 

Meanwhile I hope he gets a good mental health professional on his team, of all the things to later regret doing that is an absolute doozy. But we have to live with our mistakes.

 

Wishing you both clarity. 

He is good with respecting my boundaries but not good at setting them for himself. His mom is a narcissist and always guilts him and all his siblings if they are not at her beck and call and he's trying to learn to say no. He is getting better.

I don't feel uncomfortable around him, no. I don't want kids and I don't think he has attraction to kids. I tried to tell him if he did that's ok and he can get therapy around that issue rather than tell him he's evil or something. I told him some people have those thoughts and can get help but it's the acting on them that is the evil part. He said he does not, he's always actually been attracted to older women, doesn't even like porn with women who look under early 20s, and this was really not an attraction thing but taking advantage of someone who was small and vulnerable to see what it felt like. 

But three times and it was such a big age difference. It would have been more understandable if it didn't involve the level it did and they were a year apart, playing house, and younger. That happens I guess. But 12 or 13 . He was old enough to download porn and get an erection. I feel shocked and just shocked. 

[Anonymous]

I would leave. As a survivor of abuse I think it is too much to expect you to trust an abusive person wether he was abused or not and a child himself or not. 
 

My father’s brother who sexually and physically assaulted me was most likely an abuse victim as well. He started assaulting other children when he was 11 and now in his 60’s and I am sure still abusing kids. He was raping me when I was 13 and he was 25. 
 

I remember being sexually abused at 6 by someone else . I am sure this person who was 3 remembers but is rife with their own shame and guilt not their own. 
 

Child abusers they don’t just stop. 

[PeaSoup]

Just now, Guest Anonymous said:

I would leave. As a survivor of abuse I think it is too much to expect you to trust an abusive person wether he was abused or not and a child himself or not. 
 

My father’s brother who sexually and physically assaulted me was most likely an abuse victim as well. He started assaulting other children when he was 11 and now in his 60’s and I am sure still abusing kids. He was raping me when I was 13 and he was 25. 
 

I remember being sexually abused at 6 by someone else . I am sure this person who was 3 remembers but is rife with their own shame and guilt not their own. 
 

Child abusers they don’t just stop. 

Even if he did this when he was 12 or 13? Not justifying I have just never been a boy. I know as a girl this would have been absolutely unconscionable at that age but I don't know if boys are way less developed mentally. Again not trying to excuse just understand and get clarity as I am in a fog of just utter confusion and dismay 

[Seraphim]

Just now, Guest Anonymous said:

I would leave. As a survivor of abuse I think it is too much to expect you to trust an abusive person wether he was abused or not and a child himself or not. 
 

My father’s brother who sexually and physically assaulted me was most likely an abuse victim as well. He started assaulting other children when he was 11 and now in his 60’s and I am sure still abusing kids. He was raping me when I was 13 and he was 25. 
 

I remember being sexually abused at 6 by someone else . I am sure this person who was 3 remembers but is rife with their own shame and guilt not their own. 
 

Child abusers they don’t just stop. 

Dang my post sorry don’t know why it posted Anonymous. 

[Seraphim]

Just now, PeaSoup said:

Even if he did this when he was 12 or 13? Not justifying I have just never been a boy. I know as a girl this would have been absolutely unconscionable at that age but I don't know if boys are way less developed mentally. Again not trying to excuse just understand and get clarity as I am in a fog of just utter confusion and dismay 

Why would a boy have a different sense of morality than a girl? People don’t have a different sense of morality depending upon the sex they are. 

[Seraphim]

For instance my husband or my 24 year old son would never never never never abuse anyone no matter the age they themselves were. 

[PeaSoup]

3 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Why would a boy have a different sense of morality than a girl? People don’t have a different sense of morality depending upon the sex they are. 

I guess i just remember hearing that girls were way more advanced at that age. I remember being 12 or 13 and trying cigarettes with some neighbor kids and an 8 year old came up and wanted to try and his brother who was my age thought no big deal and i was like "are you out of your mind, he's 8!?" So I dunno, I guess I just wonder if this can be reformed as it never happened again. To my knowledge.

[PeaSoup]

6 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Dang my post sorry don’t know why it posted Anonymous. 

I'm so sorry you had that happen. So, so sorry. I hate these people who do this so much. 

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, PeaSoup said:

I guess i just remember hearing that girls were way more advanced at that age. I remember being 12 or 13 and trying cigarettes with some neighbor kids and an 8 year old came up and wanted to try and his brother who was my age thought no big deal and i was like "are you out of your mind, he's 8!?" So I dunno, I guess I just wonder if this can be reformed as it never happened again. To my knowledge.

Sexual abusers are very very seldom reformed. 

[Seraphim]

5 minutes ago, PeaSoup said:

I guess i just remember hearing that girls were way more advanced at that age. I remember being 12 or 13 and trying cigarettes with some neighbor kids and an 8 year old came up and wanted to try and his brother who was my age thought no big deal and i was like "are you out of your mind, he's 8!?" So I dunno, I guess I just wonder if this can be reformed as it never happened again. To my knowledge.

Sexual abuse is not about emotional or mental maturity. It is about power that is it. And trying a cigarette and sexually abusing somebody are not even in the same category. Sexual abuse is only about power and hurting people period, nothing else. 

[Batya33]

54 minutes ago, PeaSoup said:

I guess i just remember hearing that girls were way more advanced at that age. I remember being 12 or 13 and trying cigarettes with some neighbor kids and an 8 year old came up and wanted to try and his brother who was my age thought no big deal and i was like "are you out of your mind, he's 8!?" So I dunno, I guess I just wonder if this can be reformed as it never happened again. To my knowledge.

To your knowledge he never abused anyone again.  Sounds like you had to clarify that. Remember. He had sex with you knowing he’d lied to you about his STD status. Another sex relate lie.  Please don’t justify this as gender. He knew what was doing was wrong and lied about it to the 7 year old. And when he was an adult he put you at risk of an STD.  

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, PeaSoup said:

 

Sorry this is happening . How long have you been dating?

You need to end it and you know this. Stop coddling this snake. 

You're not being paid to be his therapist.

Dating is not social work.  .

You're instincts are correct that you "hate him right now". This is a game changer. 

It's you who needs help. Not everyone is a poor misunderstand person. Especially someone who denies the impact his predatory behavior may have had .

He also lies to you, cheated on his last GF and you're comforting him?

You as well are being manipulated by crocodile tears. Ask yourself why all of a sudden he tells you this and also tells you you're the only person who knows.

No offense, but this guy is a sick F.

Run. 

 

5 hours ago, PeaSoup said:

I remained calm and comforted him  

I was already upset with him for lying about some things about his past. he had cheated on his last partner.

 

[MissCanuck]

I would not be able to stay with this person. 

Reformed and remoresful or not, I would never see him the same again and I wouldn't try to convince myself otherwise. 

[melancholy123]

I think both of you need your own separate therapists.

[DancingFool]

19 hours ago, PeaSoup said:

I do feel that he's remorseful and he's incredibly guilty this ever happened. He was already seeking therapy but now I think he needs a specialist. I agree about ending it, I'm not trying to defend him, but I do think he's remorseful...I just keep going back to how I was when I was 12-13 and I absolutely knew by then this was not ok...hell I don't remember ever knowing a time when this was not ok. 

I'm just in such utter shock right now. Like numb. I don't know what to do for my own mental health. I obviously can't medle, but need to do something to not go crazy.

His remorse and guilt are worthless, especially considering that he lied to you about pretty serious things when it comes to sex and relationships. To put it very simply and I'm paraphrasing a psychiatrist who specializes in socio/psychopaths - they can and do feel guilt but that doesn't stop them from harming people repeatedly. 

Given his lying, disordered, and manipulative nature, I also wonder why he suddenly came up with this confession. It wouldn't surprise me if this is meant to distract you from something else he is doing, such as cheating on you. He may have also said that so that you break up with him so he doesn't have to do the dirty work himself and can play a victim instead.

Ultimately, it doesn't matter what his issues and motivations are. The real issue is why are you dating someone who will lie to you about major relationship things that can affect your health and well being. You need to learn how to have better boundaries and how to get rid of toxic people instead of trying to excuse and justify and carry on. You can't fix him, but you can and do need to fix yourself and your picker. This guy should be history effective immediately. The fact that it's not clear to you shows that you need to work on yourself some more.

[Lambert]

This is a completely personal choice and decision of yours. 

It doesn't matter what others think. It matters what you think. 

A partner in life is a choice of a person that while not perfect, is someone you respect at a fundamental level. 

I know in the past, in any situation, romantic, friendship, business, once I lost respect for a person, it was pretty much over. 

Do you feel like you owe him unconditional acceptance?

What you described is not an innocent adolescent being curious. 

At 12 your basic character is there. He knew what he was doing was wrong. So he threatened her to keep her quiet after he abused her. 

It says  A LOT about him.  Sounds like you know you'd be betraying yourself staying with him. 

There are things that even if I loved you, I couldn't get past as a partner. This would be one. Abusing some creature (human or animal) weaker than you is a deal breaker for me. 

edited to add - this could also just be the tip of the iceberg. he's testing you to see how you react. 

Dump him. don't feel bad... 

[Cherylyn]

Promptly make him your EX-boyfriend now.  The sooner the better.  Ghost, block and delete him.  Go your separate ways permanently. 

[Capricorn3]

18 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

No offense, but this guy is a sick F.

Run.

That was my instant thought too.  Glad you said it first, lol.  Seriously, I'd be out the door so fast you wouldn't see me for dust.  What a creep!!  Who knows how many times he has done this to other little children over all the years.  I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

 

[mylolita]

Hi Pea,

 

Not only do I think this is deeply sad, shocking, and repulsive but I would want to go further. 
 

Depending on your relationship with his sister, I would even speak with her and ask her if she ever wanted to go the the police. I know this seems dramatic, but I say this because often, people who sexually abuse children don’t do it once and they often have a history. You could be unearthing something. This could be the tip of the iceberg.

 

Whether to stay with this utter creep is a complete no brainer in my opinion. We are not in your relationship, I understand it is easy for people from a distance to say leave but with all said I strongly think it must be done. I would also be worried about sending this guy away with the information he has given you and wondering about the safety of anyone else.

 

I don’t know what the protocol is but you could mention this confession to the police. They may have an investigation open already on him. It sounds dramatic but it could help, or make the authorities aware. Does he have any contact with other children? Baby sitting? A job that has him in contact with minors? See a young family member on the regular? If so you should make them aware to protect any other children he could be in contact with. As a parent; I would want to know.

 

As others have also said, at 12/13 - I am sorry, we all know what is deeply wrong at that age, no excuses. He went back and did it again also, not that it makes the first time any less wrong but you know, he knew how wrong it was yet he went back and raped his toddler sister again. This is his version of the story as well. He tells you he only looks at porn with older women. This may be true, this may be false. 

 

I guess it counts for something that he confessed. This really is such a horrible and difficult situation. Depending on your relationship at the least I would reach out to his sister. She might not remember this and want to press charges, at least inform the authorities. It is a funny thing but often with early childhood trauma we can block and “forget” things. It is a complex thing, memory and trauma.

 

In the UK here, we had two famous “child” killers who were 12/13/14 at the time. They lured and horrifically abused and then killed a 3 year old boy. At that age, they knew exactly what they were doing. I think the whole nation was outraged when they were released in their 20s because when they committed that crime they weren’t adults. A very complicated situation for the legal system but God, did they know what they were doing. No excuses. 

[PeaSoup]

4 hours ago, mylolita said:

Depending on your relationship with his sister, I would even speak with her and ask her if she ever wanted to go the the police. I know this seems dramatic, but I say this because often, people who sexually abuse children don’t do it once and they often have a history. You could be unearthing something. This could be the tip of the iceberg.

 

I agree, though I would need to speak to a therapist trained in this kind of stuff before doing that to see if that's the best step forward. If she doesn't remember that could do more psychological damage and I'm not trained in or qualified to do this.