keefy1972 Posted May 30, 2005 Share Posted May 30, 2005 So UF...do tell...how did it go?? Link to comment
ufoureah Posted May 30, 2005 Share Posted May 30, 2005 I did not hear from her at 9:15 and since we were to meet at 10 I called her. I asked if she found a place she wanted to go to she said no. Ok so I found a place and called her back. We met she looked horrible. Pale, she was wearing jeans, looked drab and quite afraid. we laughed bit. i lost 20 lbs, I have a tan, I fit in my size 30 button down jeans and I look great. flat stomach and feeling good. I didn't want to seem too confident because I am mostly the reason that the relationship broke off. I did notice her checking me out. we are sexually really attracted to each other. we ordered our food, we made smalltalk and then I told her that I was surprised that she met me at a restaurant. she said that i had to tell her some stuff and that I didn't want to tell her on the phone. So I told her what I found out in therapy. the gist of the whole conversationwas; that she felt bad when she was with me, I controlled her, eventhough she misses me and has it hard she doesn't miss being controlled, she felt bad about herself and her son who is 22 is done with me, her daughter 14 may possibly be cordial. She knows Iam going thru anger management, Iam going thru therapy and I was just diagnosed with ADD. She says that she was committed to me and we had plans and aspirations and all that is gone. it was the pityparty from hell... but I had to listen.... It was so depressing. OMG... Here iam 6 weeks into therapy and working out and working on me and feeling great finally. I have to earn my forgiveness so i listened and I will continue to listen. And the tears are falling down her face... poor thing. she says she doesn't want to be ther for me when Iam going thru therapy because she knows herself, she will immerse herself in it 100%. I told her this was my deal, I just wanted me to be a better person for me and ultimately everyone else. We left and talked for another hour outside by the cars. she cried and we hugged.. intimately at first and then she started pushing me away. But the bottom line is she has a 14 year old at home. She ran out of my house so fast and rented a house outside her kids school district. This child is starting highschool this year. The condo she owns is being rented by her son and 2 buddies. She needs to find a new place, she is feeling this mother's guilt rightfully so . she says she needs to stop screwing up her kids life. i now feel so guilty. we had plans for the rest of our lifes. she does not trust me. She wants to know how she would know that I would not revert back to the controlling jealous self. Well iam finally working on it with a therapist. never done that before. And iam aware as to why Iam doing it. Plan... NC starts again today... she knows what I have asked her. Iam leaving the ball in her court. she did ask me to let her know when my dad whom she adored is having his gallbladder taken out. I will e-mail her and let her know that. she says we had so many plans for the Summer and she will join me when we go out in a group. I asked her if she was over me. she said no, it will take her forever to get over me... what do i do now? this was a huge step I think... I need to leave her alone and have her come out to seek me out. What do you think? Thank you D... Link to comment
keefy1972 Posted May 30, 2005 Share Posted May 30, 2005 I think you are right that she needs to seek you out. She wants to know how she can be sure that you won't revert to your old ways and the only answer I can think of is to show her. What you are trying to recover from may take a great deal of time and patience. You first have to understand, accept, and embrace the fact that you are doing the therapy and working out and looking good for YOU!! You are doing these things so that you feel better about who you are from the inside out. When that transformation is complete, everyone who knows you will notice it. I guarantee you that. Going back to NC is the absolute best thing for you to do. Give her plenty of time to let how good you looked, the things you said, the way it felt when you guys hugged, and all of that sink in for her. Give her time to absorb it all. She needs that. Moreso, you need it too! Be patient. Link to comment
ufoureah Posted May 30, 2005 Share Posted May 30, 2005 so here I go Day I... with lots of guilt in my heart... My G'D did she make me feel so darn guilty... "I feel like how I felt when I firts moved to PDX", I need to find a house to rent near the school in the district where my daughter wants to go for highschool" I should have gone with my gut and tried to register for XXX highschool, because now it's too late, we had to do it in December" "I let my guard down for the first time, you know how hard it was for me and look waht you did". I planned to be with you forever and now look what you have done"... ayayayayayaya.. iam going to die.. did i tell you I was jewish and this guilt trip is driving me up a creek... so NC it is... she wants me to go out and date others, she wants to get over me. she says it will take forever. What patience.. Iam making myself crazy again. I want to just take care of her. I have the money and iam working on me and it makes me crazy that I can't... I know patience is a virtue, iam learning. I cannot stand but wait for her to call. I makes me nuts.. Iam even thinking about selling my house and buying her a place so her kid can go to that school. wouldn't that be a sign that I mean when i say i would take care if them.. I know it's crazy... poor thing she is all alone do you think she is really working it to make me feel guilty? Does she really want me to move on? Day 1 starts tomorrow. yuck!!! The drama continues Thank you D... Link to comment
keefy1972 Posted May 30, 2005 Share Posted May 30, 2005 Her laying the guilt trip is normal. You made your bed and now you have to lie in it. You messed up and now you need to take your medicine for a while. She, if I understand what happened correctly, has a right to try to make you feel bad for what you did to her. All you can do is nod your head, understand, and make a vow to never allow it to happen again. What happened to make things the way they are is in the past and you will not make any progress by beating yourself up over it. Forgive yourself and start over with a clean slate. You, it seems, hold all the cards. Gain confidence in that. Link to comment
ufoureah Posted May 30, 2005 Share Posted May 30, 2005 I agree it's time I paid pennance. It is going to take a long time for her to trust me again. I will have to prove that I am changing, that I can give her space and she can have friends and that I don't have to control her to be happy. I want to be her partner and stand beside her, not be on top of her. well I would be lying if I didn't want to do that... we are talking years before I could ever go there again. Why am I doing this??? is this hassle even worth this pain and aggravation? I do truly love her.. Iam a chick magnet and I don't say that to be a jerk.. But I could be with many women if I wanted to, but I don't ... I made a committment. should I listen to her and start dating others. she would not like it Iam sure. I can't I love her truly. I want to spend the rest of my living days with her. Poor thing she looks so bad and it is all my fault. She will be pleasantly surprised about how much I will change. I just found out something in therapy that ios the reason why I acted the way i did anow that I know it is only going to get better. I hope I have the opportunity to show her eventually. I feel good about myself already and It is only going to get better. how do i stop the worrying about her? It is making me cookoo. thanx Keefer. D... Link to comment
keefy1972 Posted May 30, 2005 Share Posted May 30, 2005 This is how...trust her. She is an adult that is responsible for herself. Let go of feeling responsible for her total being. That IS also controlling. Link to comment
Dakota6560 Posted May 31, 2005 Share Posted May 31, 2005 I hope you have room for one more on this convoy. So far it has been 6 days and though at times it is rough I keep reminding myself I am going to meet someone wonderful that will help me forget what's her face I hope everybody had a great memorial day weekend Link to comment
simon_uk Posted May 31, 2005 Share Posted May 31, 2005 I am already at the four week stage. She is now on holiday for two weeks so theres no chance of contact for at least a fortnight. That will make a total of 6 weeks total NC. Do I need to be on this bandwagon? You bet I do because it is now even harder to maintain than it was before. But I have no intention of calling her, so I am signing up! Link to comment
liasonred Posted May 31, 2005 Share Posted May 31, 2005 Just got a text from the Ex.... Last time we had contact 2 weeks ago we had an argument which she caused and apologised for the next day. I ignored the apology and today is th 16th day NC. Now she texts me asking am i ok and taking care of myself. Can I send her a pic of her cat that she abandoned and left me with and send her love to all my family!!!! Where on earth does she get the gaul... I'm planning on ignoring this text any ideas guys? Link to comment
WebChick Posted May 31, 2005 Author Share Posted May 31, 2005 Liason... You are already at day 16....be strong!!! I say ignore her text. She will text you again. Try to make it to 30 days...just because she text you, does NOT mean you are yet prepared to talk to her. Remember this is about YOU and making yourself strong enough for when these encounters happen. Just think of the benefits, and consequences of talking to her NOW. My vote is NO CONTACT..... Link to comment
bittersweetly healed Posted May 31, 2005 Share Posted May 31, 2005 i broke NC b/c im a flippin' moron...and of course i want to kill him so im hopping back on the NC bandwagon...i need all the support i can get. look up some of my previous posts if you want the background...im done hiding and feeling sad and refusing invitations and being in the dark both emotionally and physically.....i want my life back and i want me "ex" to disappear from it. he needs to leave me alone and to grow up. im sick of weed and cigarette smoke! I have nothing to even miss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment
Dakota6560 Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 Liason, I agree with webchick. I think by contacting her now it might have some negative effects. You really dont' know where she is coming from when she asks you these questions. I don't even know if you truly want her back. If not, then definitly keep up with the NC and show her you are doing Ok by not responding. Link to comment
Dakota6560 Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 Bittersweet, I am sorry your ex is driving you crazy but you have all the power to make him vanish. Just remember all this pain and suffering his because of him. He is doing this to you so get rid of the virus! I know you can do it and we will be here for you to make sure that you don't contact him because know one needs a pot head in there life. Link to comment
bittersweetly healed Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 thank you so much dakota! all of you are such a blessing in my 19 year old life lol (tomw is my bday ) my friends have been helping a great deal too, just pointing out hes really truly acting like a loser. i need to take the high road, which i am already on, and im recovering because its not so bad when you realize you cant help someone who cant help themselves. it helps u to see they have issues that u dont want to be brought down by any longer. and even though i was the one who was dumped, i knew it was over a while ago which i had tried to end it but like i said, he got upset...i broke down...the whole 9 yards, u know. so my friends, i am going to stay on the NC bandwagon for a long time because, well, i'd very much like to be healthy once again. Link to comment
ufoureah Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 ok Day 1 after meeting her for brunch.. It meant nothing, just a drama and how I ruined her life. she knows about my newly diagnosed ADD and that Iam now as of today on medication. she has not checked in. life just goes on for her. she is not interested to be around me, just wants to be friends. she said yesterday, she may be able to forgive me but is scared she may never get over the actual incidence. What now.. I started NC to work on me, my therapy get her out of my system. Iam going to buy a piano today and going to learn how to play. Iam making tons of friends and forgetting her for awhile. It still hurts that I send her a dr's report and have told her all that is going on and she has not even responded to me once. she wants and needs to be in control with me right now. I understand. I probably just need to move on and when she notices that Iam not interested she will come out of the woodwork. It always happens that way for us. Ididn't call her when I said I would and look she called to go for brunch. I almost fell over. Thanks for hearing me vent... D... Iam doing much better being by myself. 7 weeks ago I was dying. Thank you all for you support and stories. Link to comment
keefy1972 Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 UF...life DOES go on for her. Doesn't mean she don't care or isn't interested, just means she is living her life. She can't allow herself to be consumed with your life right now. That is EXACTLY how you should be proceeding with your life too. Sending her the Dr.'s report and all of that is, while understandable, a subconscious effort on your part to beg for forgiveness while presenting her with what you deem a legitimate excuse for your failings, whatever they were. You have to let go of that and start anew. Show her the new person you are from the medication and stop trying to give her proof that you WILL SOON be better. Show her you're better when you are, indeed, better. For right now you should focus on that and ONLY that. Get yourself right and everything else will fall into place for you. Keep on coming here if it is helping. Link to comment
ufoureah Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 thank you so much, and I agree, but how do I stop obsessing over her, But it is so hard.. I want her back in my life to care and take care of us. Life is so short and we made a committment to be there for each other no matter what. I know I took it a bit too far, but Iam sick!!! Iam scared of what is to come, we lived together, had plans and aspirations to spend the rest of our lives together. she has children I also hurt in the process, I want to make peace with them. she has the tendency to sweep stuff under the rug,,, should we not be working on what happened and how we can prevent it. she wants to be friends and occasionally do stuff together in a group.. what is that going to do? How will she gauge that iam doing better, that Iam not controlling, that I will not ever choke her again, that Iam not a freak... I know it's safe, but we were a family.. don't families deal with their problems together. That is what I have always done. so I wasn't family by blood, but we made a committment.. and yes I broke it by what I did. But don't I deserve another chance, it only happened once. And it will never happen again. Time... Iam so impatient. what is she thinking, what is she doing? why does it seem that she does not care... Iam so lost knowing that she does care, but does not have the guts or is willing to get involved to work on this actively. she knows my core is good, my intentions are good, Iam so insecure that time will just allow her to move on, forget and say.. whatever, iam done with you. She selfmedicates with TV and just moves on. I obsess and play stuff in my head over and over again. Iam awake every night at 2:30 AM pondering life.. Iam exhausted, I have lost 25 lbs and all my clothes are hanging on me. Iam making friends and doing stuff, exercising and planning things and going to parties and every day I have either a psychologist appointment, or a anger management meeting or a CODA meeting.. I fill my life with stuff, have alone time, I bought a piano yesterday and am going to learn how to play... but still. she was the center of my life, my love, my rock, my laughs and my partner ... Now she is gone and her not being here while Iam going thru hell makes it feel like tremendous abandonement. She is the most caring person I have ever dated, so for her not to care freaks me out. My dad needs gallbladder surgery, he is 80.. she has not eveb called. she contacted him tho.. Iam afraid time will make it worse.. day 2 of NC.. I do better when I don't speak with her, Iam going to try for a month, unless she contacts me. What do you think will happen. we have a psychologist lined up for if we decide to get together.. do you think the possibility is there to rapair this in time? She aksed me why she should be the one to just forgive and forget what happened and then in the sa,e breath she says she will look after my dogs when I go to Europe in the Summer.. weird. if she was done with me why should she sacrifice her Summer to look after my dogs...Please help me understand what she is going thru, call me childish but I figured that if someone loved you and a tragedy did happen, but the person who committed is sick, thety are forgiven a bit easier. Is that not true? I am not looking for an excuse, but I am feeling sorry for myself to tell you the truth. she says I have never been held responsible for my actions.. Is that what this torture is all about.. she needs to punish me? Iam sorry iam so anxious.. Prozac, start working.. day II on that too. Please help me understand...I know it gets better.. Thank you guys... Link to comment
crashin Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 I just want to give you guys all a bit of hope. I am on my 85 day of nc, (had to figure it out, not keeping track anymore) and my life is great. Those first few weeks are tough, but it gets soooo much easier with time Like most of you I was a mess. Didnt think I would ever get over her nor find anyone else. Well, time changes everything. Tonight I will be going out again with a girl who I am completely into and cant get out of my mind! No more sadness here and it is all because I eliminated the ex from my life. I am happier now than I have been yrs. So keep your head up, and keep NC, it does work, it just takes time! Link to comment
cingularity83 Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 I don't even know which one of us is doing no contact but since my girlfriend left last wednesday we haven't talked at all...I told her before she left that talking to her was going to be hard....the whole situation is confusing because its not a clear cut break up...but she's back home and dosen't know the next time we'll see each other again....she texted me for three days after she left and at first I didn't want to reply to them but that would've just been me being childish...on the fourth day I texted her first and she replied but that was the last time we contacted each other...its been 5 days now of no form of contact with each other...I don't know if I am doing the right thing....but I will do the 30 day thing with you guys...starting with day one today and I will post each night before I go to sleep... Link to comment
Dakota6560 Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 Wow CRASHIN that is great! You have given me something to work for. I have been broken up for about 2 months now and it is Day 9 for me with NC but reading your post I can see a light at the end of the tunnel albeit a small one. I wish you all the best with your new lass and hopefully soon I too can talk about a new women in my life I am excited for. Thanks again =D> Link to comment
japhy Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 I almost had two days under my belt after telling the ex I've had enough. I'd been trying to get back with her for the last six months or so and had finally accepted the fact that she ain't comin back to me. You know it's time to bail when she gives you that "I still want you in my life, why can't we still be friends? followed by "but I want to date other guys". So I told her that I'm done with her and NC. After almost two days she shows up at my door before with an envelope filled with things. It's still sitting on top of my fridge unopened. I'm pretty sure it's some pictures from a day in city we spent together a few weeks ago, probably some tear jerker letter about how she's so sorry we can't be together yadda, yadda. She dropped it off on the way to the bar where she'll probably get drunk tonight and wonder if I opened it. I told her if she doesn't want to work out something together, than I just want her out of my life. Ultimatum? well now that I think about it, yea. That was no way to live. NC, the only way to move on. Link to comment
Dakota6560 Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 Japhy, I think you are doing the right thing. I have 9 days of NC and although I still miss her it is not as bad as when I would talk to her and didn't get the response I wanted (which was her wanting to get back with me). I understand when you gave her that ultimatum. She can't have her cake and eat it too. That is not the way life is. We must realize that the relationship we had with them is over and everything we have learned from them we will apply to the next romance. We will also come closer to figuring out what we like and dislike in a person. I hope you stay strong and as the days go by it will get easier but it will take some time. Goodluck and keep informing us of your progression. Link to comment
japhy Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 Thanks for the support Dakota... Previous to this I had almost a month of NC with her, things were getting better for me without her. I made the mistake of leting her back in and for two weeks it seemed like things were getting better, but no. So now I have to start all over and not make the same mistake of letting her back in (in any form). Congrats on what, ten days now? Don't let her back in. "the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you decide to take her back when she wants to come back" -Swingers (All NC'ers should see this movie) Link to comment
ufoureah Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 Ok day 3... it is getting better. Prozac day # 3 as well. Iam happy , Iam laughing, Iam eating.. there is life after break-ups... Don't get too used to it now, I may be up on the rollercoaster today.. My piano is getting delivered tomorrow, Iam starting lessons next week and the guy is actually coming to my home.. this is a lifelong dream. Gym 2-3 days a week, dogwalks everyday.. meeting new friends everyday.. I have a BBQ on Saturday night and am going kayaking on Sunday... Iam stoked. Life today is ok.. Stay with me people... D... Link to comment
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