liasonred

Does anyone have a good understanding of guilt and what causes it. I don't mean I have done something wrong and feel guilty about it but that sometimes for no real reason I have a horrible feeling of guilt come over me. All I do is think about life and what i've been doing in the recent time to try and find something i must be guilty about, thats causing the feeling but there isn't anything. Makes no sense does it.... any advice would be grateful. LRed.

How old are you and have you been let down in the past by anyone?

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been in a near identical position as you, not too long ago. The best advice I can give you is that if you can afford to stay in the flat on your own then let her leave. The sooner she does the sooner the turmoil of not knowing what to do and confronting the situation can stop and you can begin to deal with things for you. You also need to be with friends and family as much as posible when you are feeling down. They will help you through this and so will the good guys on this site in those times you feel alone and are unable to contact friends or family. The big mistake I made was that I was drawn back into a situation with my ex twice after she left. All she did was use me to make her feel better and to help put the pieces of her life back together. When she was done with me she hurt me again. Please guard yourself against this. Looking to the future is good, you will not feel like your alone forever and in the future you will feel much better that is guranteed.

It happened to me. The Ex came back into my life, told me all the gory details about how her and her new guy were. How he wasn't me and how he was aggressive. She used me to make her feel better and went back to him when she had got the help she needed from me. If you think it's going to work out between you two then go with your heart, if you think it isn't then your brain will tell you that your putting yourself in danger here and that you should do what's right for you. My main regret is helping her, not loosing her but helping her and it being thrown in my face. Good luck with your situation dude and look to the future.

Thank's for your advice and support guys. I guess emotions are emotions because you can't control them. This was a pure emotional response to seeing people I obviously miss and care about. When you are moving on and trying to build a life away from this you suppress these emotions and don't realise they are there. When confronted with a chance meeting like I was they come to the fore again and thats a natural reaction. I'm someone who thinks that everything happens for a reason and before this chance meeting I was considering contacting my ex to see how she is. I now realise that would be a bad idea as I have very little to gain on a personal level from that compared to how I might react emotionally. It's not worth the risk.

I bumped into my ex's parents in a DIY store this weekend. I had a strange feeling I would but I went to help my mum and dad with the heavy lifting buying new wooden flooring involves... Anyways, the conversation was ok, it was the first time I had seen them for over a year and although the last time I spoke to the ex, (feb of this year) her parents had a downer on me then, they were very friendly and seemed genuinely happy to see me. My point is that now I am thinking about the ex again, feeling a little sad and jealous that she might have a perfect life. I am happy with mine but haven't met anyone new yet whose special and don't like the idea that she has. Then I wrestle with the imaturity of that thought and feel a bit crappy again. I was doing fine but am wondering if this is normal and will wear off real quick or if it's gonna stick around for a while? Thanks for reading, Lred

I can relate to this guys question. I've been out of my long term relationship for about 18 months and now and feel ready to start dating again but find myself in his position. I'm interested to see what advice this thread gets.

d&B, the way things went were that we split and that is how things are now. That happened in april 2005 and during the time that has passed she has contacted me on 2 separate occasions saying she wants to be friends or to explain her actions. Both times it came round to her wanting us back together. Like your Ex she got together with someone straight after we split, and from what she tells me this relationship is a little destuctive and he is the complete oposite to me in how he deals with things. But to be honest I would no longer know what to believe. Wedding cancelled and posetions divided and me trying to move on. She used to go on about having children a lot too and we wouldn't have them until we were married so i'm glad there were no children involved. She also told me that when I was struggling to save my relationship that if she was unhappy she would've happily walked out and left a child wth me because she would want to be happy. That chilled me to my soul and made me think I may have had an escape from a more punishing future. What really hurts is that both times she has contacted me I have willingly gone down the getting back together route only for her to pull out when it get to the commitment stage of telling friends and family we are back together. I treated her so well and would do anything for her but the truth is she cared more for what people might say to us being back together over anything else (Her family and friends mainly). So we never made it. As I understand it she is still with this other guy. There are some precious photos of mine she has and I have repeatedly asked for them back to no avail. She has done this before with some money she owed me and that is how she contacted me the first time about getting back together. The second was to give me a christmas present and cards for my family. I am wary that she will be in contact in the future with my pictures and a ploy to pull me in again. I am trying to move on but it is hard. I think with me it's not so much wanting her but a phase of not wanting to be in a relationship anymore at the moment. We will all get to where we want to be evebtually with time and commitment. Good luck with your situation, just try to make sure that you are happy with whatever decisions you make.

I feel for you man and that is a real hard situation. Firstly i'd like to say that it is commendable that although I get the impression from your post that you want her back your main concern is for the children involved. Secondly, i'd like to say to put your back into it that the "letting yourself go" and taking "taking her out to dinner and movies" is a well and good and part of a healthy relationship but this guy has a child with the women and that is a bigger responsibility. Your partner should've taken more care to think about the childrens feelings and spoken to you more to see if you could dort any problems you had out before she got involved with someone else. Third, whatever action you take now needs to have a future plan. If you try and give her time and be nice about the children and everything you need to understand that you may not get her back, may prolong the hurt for yourself or even realise that once the dust settles you realise why you were so non commitle about marriage. You have got to think about yourself at some point as that is all that is guaranteed about your future now. Think whats more important to you. Me and my partner of over 6 years split last year, i too was non commitle over the marriage thing for a long time. We were engaged and had bought our own place. I didn't get on too well with her folks either. They were just really difficult and always drove a wedge between us when possible. Anyways my situation went much the same as yours.... she met someone else but this happened 2 months after we had set a date for our wedding and she was telling me how in love and happy she was we set a date.

And you've not been able to build any meaningfull relationships in those 16 years?

Hello all, It has been just over a year since my 6.5yr relationship broke down. If you would like to read the story check out some of my older posts. I went to see a counsellor as I didn't want any baggage and decided to move on and was doing really well changing my life for the better. Getting fit and living again. Then the ex made 2 separate attempts to get us back together. We started meeting up, having fun and messing around but when push came to shove and the next step was to make it official again (Tell friends and family) she bailed out on me. I can't believe I went down this road twice and that really hurt me because I only had myself to blame. The thing is I still love the ex and to be always will. I understand that will be the case and that is what you let yourself in for when you fall in love. I just can't seem to start a new relationship though. It either just feels wrong or I don't feel anything at all. I'm beginning to feel anxious like theres something wrong with me and am even considering trying to get in contact with the ex again just to see how I feel about her. Has anyone got any words of wisdom for me?

Hi, I have a yoyo ex. She left me April last year after 7yrs together, engagement and our own place. SInce we have split I have tried to move on but every time I am nearly over the hill she gets back into contact with me. This has happened twice, telling me she wants us back together. Now I still love and care with all my heart and understand various things about why our split happened because of how well we know eachother. Anyways the most recent time she got back into contact me wanting us together again she asked me after a while of very light contact mainly via e-mail and text to leave her alone for 2 weeks to sort her head out!!! Now she came to me, I made no demands or put any pressure on her. I just tried to make her happier as she seemed to be depressed. The 2 weeks was up yesterday and I have not heard from her, i'm not going to play silly games and wait till she contacts me and have text her to ask if she is ok. I am concerned and need to know she is alright. Whatever her response is I am thinking I need to distance myself from this relationship if we are not going to be commited to eachother and moving forward. I don't like the idea of running away and thats not what I want to do but do feel a break away from my normal life is needed. Does anyone have any advice on what I could do?? I have a good job and am sure I would be able to take 6 weeks off to do some travelling and like the look of a conservation placement. Again if anyone has any ideas of information they could share I would be grateful. Has anyone done anything similar and did it help?

Thank you for your posts. You are both right. How can she know what she wants if she behaves in this way. It's hard though because I try to move on and forget about her but she finds a way of getting back at me. I will use this 2weeks to get past the wanting to be with her frame of mind.

If you have an Ex who says they want to get back with you but then asks for 2 weeks alone is getting back together an option? My ex left me, she ended up with someone else and I moved on. She periodicall intiated contact with me, each time wanting us to get back together. I gave in to her once previously last year and for a while we had fun but the other guy was still around and incapable of letting her move on. Eventually I told her to leave me alone which she did for about 3months. Needless to say she got back with the other guy in this time although she says she still wanted me. I'm not painting a pretty picture of my Ex but do believe that the love I have for her and the love she has for me is going to be hard to find with someone else. We have both been a little nieve in the past and am both trying to put thing right in our own ways. Situation now is that she again wants us together, but is incapable of making any effort. This isn't just with me but with life in general. I think she is suffering some form of depression. I want to help but she has asked for 2 weeks NC. We have only met up twice sinc she has iniated this contact. Is getting back together an option in this situation? Should I try to help/understsand her or take this as a sign I should again just forget her? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hi, i'm kinda going through the same thing. How do you really close the door??? I've changed mobile number and blocked her email address at work but she finds ways of contacting me and then I give in to meeting up. We then Dissect our split up and she tells me like you about the guy she is seeing and how he doesn't compare, that she still loves me etc... talk about a head F**k. To make things worse she had a big argument with her family today, my name was mentioned in the argument because they talk about me negatively a lot still and about her to my ma and pa. She told them they weren't letting me move on. After the argument she locked herself in the toilet and called me, crying down the phone!!! what do u do?? If your a nice guy like me u help! I gave her support but in truth it's her who isn't letting me move on. How when you struggle with morality of caring for someone do you close that door?

Hello all, thank you for taking the time to read this. I need some advice, ideally from someone who has experienced something similar. Me and my Fiance split up in April 05 we had been together for just over 7yrs. We split beacause she felt I loved her more than she loved me and that I deserved someone better, also because she was attracted to someone else and that too was wrong. We split I was heartbroken and moped around for a while. I immediately started NC as I wanted to heal, made no attempts to get her back or find out what she was doing. She made various attempts to contact me via text which I ignored and eventually changed my number, she then started to mail me. When I got a mail saying "Please please respond" in the subject I took a look. She said she wanted to met up and give me an explanation. I gave in and we did... She got together with this other guy and moved in with him about 2 months after we split. She wanted to tell me how unhappy she was, that she cries herself to sleep and that she could never love anyone the way she loved me. We started hanging out and she moved out of this guys place and said she wanted us to get back together. I was a little skeptical but still loved her and we started to sow the seeds for another relationship. There were family pressures so we took it slow and were a little secretive. When we got passed the "could it work again" phase and everything was great she decided she couldn't be who she wanted to be because of me and needed to be alone. I told her to delete my number and leave me alone. Again I went NC from Oct to last week when she managed to get through to me by text wanting to know if I was ok. I agonised over what to do and because of the season replied. She started to tell me she had a dream about me and that she really missed me. On thurs she asked to meet cos she had christmas cards for me and my family and a present for our cat (which I take care of although it's her cat). It was the same story when we met. Back with this other guy, unhappy still loves me, no one can compare, crying her eyes out. Help is all I can ask... I love her to bits, want her to be happy not sad but at the same time realise that I will never move on if she has this hold over me where I cave in. On the other hand If we do still love eachother and thats what we want I can't see why it can't workout. We had a great relationship, with ups and downs but both of us realise the love we had is hard to better and seem stuck in an emotional knot. I refused the cards and told her that if she really loved me as much as she says and wanted us together her actions would speak louder than works. If not I will stop responding when she calls with an attempt to contact which plays on my emotion. I care deeply for her and worry for her but she left me. Has anyone experienced similar who can identify with this and offer some pearls of wisdom??? I am 27 and she is now 29.

DN, She is still living with this guy. She tells me she has been sleeping in the spare room and that after we meet up she told him their relationship was over. She is in the process of looking for a new place at the moment and will be moving out. I do have my worries that she will lie to me again tho. If I walk away I need to be sure thatis it what I want not that i'm just protecting myself. Don't want any what if's.

Thanks for your reply. You make some very good observations and understand the situation. It's really hard to make the decision to walk away from the person you love. I would want to stay friends while she "finds" herself but no one else gives her any support. I am torn between pulling away completely now or holding on for something that may never materialise and ruin the memories.

Hi all, really need you opinions. Me and my ex split up in March. We were together for 6.5 yrs. Had a lovely easy relationship that was great apart from a few problems that came up. When we split it was bad for me, my girl had found someone else and lied to me about it all. I don't beg for her back but try to move on. Do NC after all the necessary stuff was sorted. Not in an attempt to get her back but to get over her. Then at the end of June she contacts me and wants to meet up. I refuse but feel terrible that I had and a week later agree to meet. When we meet she looks really low and depressed. Tells me she has moved in with this guy and hates it. That he is a nice man but not me. I kinda feel uncomfortable and we walk away. We do stay in contact a little and eventually I also come round to thinking we should get back together. My ex has some emotional baggage that she carries. She ultimately thinks she is a bad person and makes some silly mistakes. She is seein a counsellor at the moment to try and put all that behind her. Anyways, we are now at a point where we meet up and have fun, no relationship or physical stuff going on. She tells me that she needs to find herself and that she doesn't know where her life is heading. I have been down this road with her before and ended up being burned. She contacted me and now she seems to be preoccupied and I am feeling used. Shall I just walk away or am I putting too much pressure on us by saying I want a bit of commitment. I kinda feel my life is on hold and am really confused.

Love is about forgiveness, i did truly love her. I was over to a certain degree and now she tells me she was wrong to do what she did, that she needs help that she is getting and that it's all becuase she want to be with me forever. Not sure whether I want to tho, for loads of reasons. But if It's only about love then I love her more than I have loved anyone! Confusing aint the word! Anyone been in a similar situation?

Hello all, My Ex has decided she wants us back together!! I'm confused... not sure what to do and how to handle this situation? Any advice?

Is this not a bit silly??? I could understand your problem if she suddenly came on the scene but she was his friend before you came into his life. You've both not been together too long and are young so you will have these feeling and situations like this come up as you have limited experience of relationships. I praise you for coming to this site and asking for advice to gain an understanding. We all have friends who don't get on with other friends, truth is your boyfriend should be trusted and you making demands of him over his relationships with friends is only going to cause you 2 problems.

She says she wants to meet up cos she owes me an apology and some honesty. That she wants us to be friends. Part of me wants to give in but i know i shouldn't so I have told her no. I feel like I maee the right decision and am not ready to disect our break up with her but now wonder if she is ok.

Why when the ex contacts you do you feel low again and have to fight the urge to contact them? I'm on the brink of giving in to mine and agreeing to meeting up with her. Just wish I didn't still care for her and could forget her.

Thanks for all your replies. In response to kariphyve I am not really being bitter to her just protecting myself. A lot of our relationship was me making her feel better about the person she is. Yes I do think "How could she do this to me" sometimes but also understand that she has, and that makes her not the person I thought she was. The 6.5yrs together works both ways. I'm moving on without her and see this as her not letting go of me and wanting me to still "hold her up" when she's feeling low or guilty. I can't and won't. However if she is in anyway feeling really genuinely bad about it then I agreed to meet up and make her feel better but got no reply. I am torn between shall I make an effort now! but see that as me being weak and doing something that's not best for me as I did throughout the whole relationship. Putting others first is the person I am and this situation is really hard for me. I do still care for her. Everyone else: I think you all see this the same way I do. I do not want her back but can not see into the future either. We had a great life together and it's hard to imagine anyone else replacing her but I am open to that happening and not aching for a love lost. Friends would be nice but to much complication. and the reason behind wanting this is her guilt and that just sets alarm bells ringing. I want my own life and not to be a bit part player in hers like she wants me to be.