Can he not be over his ex wife? Girlfriend?

[Tree12345]

So I met a guy on a dating site and we have been talking for about a month. He lives almost 2hours away from me. He and I have asked many questions and I feel we know a good amount about one another. We have had 2 dates and he has driven to where I am for them. On the second date he asked if he could kiss me so I said yes. The kiss was not a french kiss. I kept it simple. However a couple days later we had a conversation and he thought we were boyfriend and girlfriend he stated because he had kissed me. I am used to a guy asking a girl not just assuming based off a kiss.  I did notice on the first date he brought up stuff he went through and why he and his ex divorced (10 yrs ago). He didn't seem hurt or badmouth her. Then in a recent conversation he brought up a memory he had when they both had rescued a stray dog together. I'm not sure how to react to this. To top it off we were talking of places each one of us has visited and he said I like history I like to see where we've been and what we have done. When we talk I barely get a few sentences out. He is super nice and we communicate regularly through text and phone calls. He is  15 years older. 

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, Tree12345 said:

So I met a guy on a dating site and we have been talking for about a month. He lives almost 2hours away from me.  2 dates and he has driven to where I am for them.  he thought we were boyfriend and girlfriend he stated because he had kissed me. When we talk I barely get a few sentences out. He is super nice and we communicate regularly through text and phone calls. He is  15 years older. 

Slow way down. So many red flags.

Who contacted whom?  Distance like that is always a red flag.

Obviously that distance is designed both to hide something as well as sort of "have to" sleep over soon.

He's trying to tell you what he thinks you want to hear to accelerate sex.

He drives to you because... He's married/living with someone?

 Divorced 10 years and...can't get dates locally or form relationships with peers? Obviously he wants casual because he'll use the distance as his way out eventually. No way a 4 hr round trip will lead to anything.

Take you time on this. Do not get invested. Do nothing until you see where he lives. Do your homework. Google last name, first name, town, profession, etc.

 

[MissCanuck]

38 minutes ago, Tree12345 said:

he thought we were boyfriend and girlfriend he stated because he had kissed me

This would put me off more than a pretty benign mention of his ex-wife. It's odd for a grown man to assume you are his girlfriend after one kiss. 

[Tree12345]

I appreciate your advice.

He contacted me first. He hasn't asked for any pictures or said anything sexual so far. He is the one that decide to make the visit here. It is my turn this weekend to go to his city. I guess I will have to see how that turns out. We talked about the distance and he said I never thought I would have dated a girl from _______ (where I live). What I was told is he only lives with his son that he raises and the ex moved out of state and remarried. I googled court documents for our state and everything has matched up to what he has told me even about the 1 speeding ticket. He did mention his brother falls in love fast I'm wondering if that's his case. I'm taking it slow I don't want to do anything I would regret.

[Tree12345]

7 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This would put me off more than a pretty benign mention of his ex-wife. It's odd for a grown man to assume you are his girlfriend after one kiss. 

Yeah I thought the first kiss and the girlfriend thing was totally odd. 

[DancingFool]

I think that when you just barely met and you already feel uneasy and have a forest of red flags slapping you in the face, the wiser choice is to step away completely rather than waste your time "taking it slow."

This is a grown man who knows better. His behavior screams manipulative and it's working because you are intrigued......

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, Tree12345 said:

So I met a guy on a dating site and we have been talking for about a month. He lives almost 2hours away from me. He and I have asked many questions and I feel we know a good amount about one another. We have had 2 dates and he has driven to where I am for them. On the second date he asked if he could kiss me so I said yes. The kiss was not a french kiss. I kept it simple. However a couple days later we had a conversation and he thought we were boyfriend and girlfriend he stated because he had kissed me. I am used to a guy asking a girl not just assuming based off a kiss.  I did notice on the first date he brought up stuff he went through and why he and his ex divorced (10 yrs ago). He didn't seem hurt or badmouth her. Then in a recent conversation he brought up a memory he had when they both had rescued a stray dog together. I'm not sure how to react to this. To top it off we were talking of places each one of us has visited and he said I like history I like to see where we've been and what we have done. When we talk I barely get a few sentences out. He is super nice and we communicate regularly through text and phone calls. He is  15 years older. 

It doesn't sound like 10 years ago. It sounds more like they separated recently or were on/off despite the divorce (still having an affair or involved). Keep in mind some people have rubber meanings for "separated" and "divorced" or use them interchangeably. Does he have kids? He seems quite a lot older than you. Pass if this is uncomfortable for you. Given the oddness, probably best to let this person go. It was good of you to give it a try.

[Tree12345]

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

It doesn't sound like 10 years ago. It sounds more like they separated recently or were on/off despite the divorce (still having an affair or involved). Keep in mind some people have rubber meanings for "separated" and "divorced" or use them interchangeably. Does he have kids? He seems quite a lot older than you. Pass if this is uncomfortable for you. Given the oddness, probably best to let this person go. It was good of you to give it a try.

Yes he has one son who he raises. He told me he got custody of him. I did some research and found it to line up to what he has said. 

[DancingFool]

1 hour ago, Tree12345 said:

Yes he has one son who he raises. He told me he got custody of him. I did some research and found it to line up to what he has said. 

I don't think he is lying to you about the obvious you can easily check up. However, you do need consider how unusual it is for the mother of the child to run away to another state and effectively abandon her child. There are invariably strong reasons for that and none of them reflect well on this man you are engaging with.

So do ask yourself - what is so promising about his talk that you are willing to carry on even though your alarm bells are ringing? Please listen to your intuition because that is never wrong.

[DarkCh0c0]

4 hours ago, Tree12345 said:

However a couple days later we had a conversation and he thought we were boyfriend and girlfriend he stated because he had kissed me.

Yep. That's your sign. RUN.

That's a good proof that he's not a gentleman, thinks he can decide the status of this thing/relationship without consulting you(so he doesn't and won't value your needs now nor later), and he's acting too quickly.

Plus, the huge age gap (10+years) is another red flag.

Lady, you are spot on. Break up, cease all contact, and forget about this man. You deserve better than this. Plenty of respectful gentlemen out there would love to take you out and would have less red flags from date#2.

[Andrina]

Even without all the negatives you've mentioned, why date someone long distance when that makes it harder to regularly easily date? And then if it did work out, one has to uproot themselves from their career, family, and friends. Even if 2 hours isn't egregious, it still makes things more difficult to get together with loved ones several hours away.

The other con is the age difference. He'd be retiring 15 years before you. His elderly health problems will occur 15 years before yours. And you have to be realistic about looks. In his 40s, this won't be an issue, but when he's 65 and you're 50, you will begin to see a huge difference. 

I limited myself to dating men within a 45 minute drive from me. You get to know someone far quicker when they live a stone's throw away and it's far more convenient for a normal dating experience.

[catfeeder]

On 10/8/2021 at 2:39 PM, Tree12345 said:

When we talk I barely get a few sentences out.

When someone doesn't let you speak, it's because they aren't interested in what you may say.

Is that good enough for you?

On top of the distance?

I wouldn't make a 2 hour trip to him. If you like him that much, make some lunch dates to meet in the middle and get to know him better.

This sounds like way too much work for someone who doesn't even listen to you.

[reinventmyself]

I wouldn't underestimate what his interpretation of what the kiss meant to him.  That may be his timeline, but it isn't yours.  I might have to date a man a couple months before I agree to be his girlfriend and only after which time we have had a discussion about it and we are on the same page.  He made this decision unilaterally.  I find that a huge red flag.

And if he isn't interested in who you are,  by asking questions and actively listening, then he does not know you.  Yet he's decided you two are committed to each other?  It smacks of him needing somebody.  Not you personally.  Just someone who's breathing and agreed to two dates.

I could be wrong and I am only going based on what you've shared.  At the very least, take your time and don't allow anyone to pressure you.  Continue to pay close attention.