No confidence to date!

[Dolly1996]

Hey, so I am going to keep this short!

I'm 25 and I have been single for around 2 years now. I feel ready to date again and I have been speaking to a guy for a couple of months now, he seems really lovely and he is being extremely patient with me as my confidence just won't allow me to meet up with him. (I keep making up excuses - but I know this will only work for so long!).

I've always been a little insecure about my body, but this is something I am actively working on. I am currently a curvy size 12 and in clothes and I am slowly starting to like how my body looks again for the first time in a long time. 

My biggest insecurity is that I have rather aggressive stretch marks on the front of my stomach, from my abdomen to my navel area. They are bright red / purple and do not seem to be fading no matter what! So the thought of getting naked around someone new makes me feel extremely uncomfortable.

I hope I don't sound silly, I just really wanted to hear some suggestions maybe?

My family and friend group have all been pretty lucky in regards to stretch marks and their bodies so I don't really have others I can speak to about it!

Anything is appreciated 🙂

[Wiseman2]

Meet sooner rather than later. Don't get caught up in a texting situation.

People who text but won't meet are red flags. So he may be hiding something otherwise no one would put up with it.

Be yourself. Either there's chemistry or there isn't.

[Dolly1996]

@Wiseman2 Thank you for your comment, i agree best to meet sooner rather than later, i do need to stop putting it off. 

We already do have so much chemistry and he is eager to meet up, i think i'm just over thinking it.

Would you be bothered with stretch marks etc? 

 

[Cenkiz]

You're beautiful, some one could not like me or some one could love me.

You have one life and it's not worth not meeting the guy you want to meet, once you do it you'll realise there is nothing to be worried about, the chemistry is there thats all you need the universe is telling you to go for it.

Your stretch marks matter to you but they wont to him in the best way possible, stop looking down on your self and look up, know that you can do anything you want to do, go for it! you have nothing to loose 🙂

[reinventmyself]

1 hour ago, Dolly1996 said:

 So the thought of getting naked around someone new makes me feel extremely uncomfortable.


 

I think the majority of people are nervous getting naked around someone for the first time, especially having not dated for 2 years.

Don't put so much pressure on yourself!   You've gone from 1 to 10 and this guy just wants to meet you. Not marry you.

How do you get your confidence?  By getting out there and having some friendly dates and stop worrying about how you look naked.  You haven't even met him yet.  For all you know, you may not be attracted to him.

Exposure and practice.  You can't get good at batting when you are standing outside the batting cage watching.  You have to get in and start swinging.

[Dolly1996]

@Cenkiz - Ah thank you so much, you are so, so kind. I do really want to meet with him, i just worry that i wont be what he expected, if you know what i mean? He compliments me all the time and really makes an attempt at boosting my confidence i just worry he'll be like "i didnt sign up for this" haha 

[Dolly1996]

5 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

I think the majority of people are nervous getting naked around someone for the first time, especially having not dated for 2 years.

Don't put so much pressure on yourself!   You've gone from 1 to 10 and this guy just wants to meet you. Not marry you.

How do you get your confidence?  By getting out there and having some friendly dates and stop worrying about how you look naked.  You haven't even met him yet.  For all you know, you may not be attracted to him.

Exposure and practice.  You can't get good at batting when you are standing outside the batting cage watching.  You have to get in start swinging.

Honestly, i really appreciate your comment. Its what i needed to hear. Thank you so much! 

I realize i have definitely jumped the gun here lol, i know he has only asked to meet up but i think as its been a while since I've dated I've complexly forgotten how to relax and enjoy it! 

The biggest concern are my stretch marks though - i do just feel extremely conscious of them. Grr. 

[reinventmyself]

Just now, Dolly1996 said:

Honestly, i really appreciate your comment. Its what i needed to hear. Thank you so much! 

I realize i have definitely jumped the gun here lol, i know he has only asked to meet up but i think as its been a while since I've dated I've complexly forgotten how to relax and enjoy it! 

The biggest concern are my stretch marks though - i do just feel extremely conscious of them. Grr. 

We all have something we are conscious about.  This happens is your something.

I promise you, a guy who is crazy about you will not care about stretch marks.

You need to relax a little about meeting people after having chatted on line.  Most people are not our match.  It is possible you two may meet and for what ever reason a romantic chemistry might be missing.  That's why it's always good to manage our expectations and not get overly invested in a stranger you meet electronically.  It's very common that the attraction doesn't transfer over to real life.  You need to talk to multiple people, not get attached and go into meeting people with a more open attitude.  If it doesn't work out, you can't take it personally.  You brush yourself off and start chatting with the next.

[waffle]

59 minutes ago, Dolly1996 said:

. . . i just worry that i wont be what he expected, if you know what i mean? He compliments me all the time and really makes an attempt at boosting my confidence i just worry he'll be like "i didnt sign up for this" haha 

There's an equal or greater likelihood that HE won't be what YOU'RE expecting.

[Batya33]

53 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

We all have something we are conscious about.  This happens is your something.

I promise you, a guy who is crazy about you will not care about stretch marks.

You need to relax a little about meeting people after having chatted on line.  Most people are not our match.  It is possible you two may meet and for what ever reason a romantic chemistry might be missing.  That's why it's always good to manage our expectations and not get overly invested in a stranger you meet electronically.  It's very common that the attraction doesn't transfer over to real life.  You need to talk to multiple people, not get attached and go into meeting people with a more open attitude.  If it doesn't work out, you can't take it personally.  You brush yourself off and start chatting with the next.

I agree. The texting with a chat buddy is silly and it's foolish to expect a stranger to wait to meet you when you keep making excuses - and if he is waiting given all your excuses my sense is he's not really interested in dating you - he likes the chit chat and banter so your excuses give him an excuse too. 

When I was dating -until 2005 -it was easier for women who were not overweight to meet/attract people but I dated in a large city teeming with singles in their 20s-40s where there was a high percentage of women who were very slim/thin and really into working out, etc.  I wouldn't worry about stretch marks at all -we all have our "thing" as others said and just like you might have preferences about a man's height he might have weight/body preferences and that's ok.  That's part of dating and attraction.  But I wouldn't let it stop me and if you are happy with your body the way it is and you are reasonably healthy it's all good. 

If you continue to choose to make excuses to avoid meeting him do him a favor and cut off contact so he can communicate with someone who actually wants to meet in person and follows through.

Good luck!

 

[melancholy123]

I have a vertical caesarean scar that I think looks pretty awful so I understand your concern.  However you are getting way ahead of yourself when you haven't even actually met him!

You need to plan a coffee meet up with him and see how it goes.  He may have an attribute he or you find not so pleasant!  you just dont know.  If you both truly like each other your stretch marks aren't going to matter.

[lostandhurt]

The big problem I see here is that you have decided for him if he is okay with your stretch marks.

That is not fair at all.  I am going to go out on a limb here and guess that when you do meet for the first time neither of you will be naked in the coffee shop right?

You are not alone in jumping to far ahead in your mind.  We all do it so don't feel bad but you really need to take this one step at a time.  You have already established a rapport with him electronically so the next step is meeting in person.  Then if that goes well on to the next step and so on.

You are in your own head way to much.  Give this guy a break and let him decide on his own.

Lost

[SooSad33]

Nervousness is normal, as you get back into it.

Slowly but surely 😉 .  Be kind to yourself.

IF you two do feel an attraction & ready, just do it!  Has been a couple months now.. He has been patient 🙂 .

If this guys knows anything, he knows that women's bodies go through a lot!  Having kids ( often more than one), and this is result.

I looked it up.. to try coconut oil.

Stretch marks can't be removed by using coconut oil or any other topically applied product. But coconut oil may improve the overall appearance of skin, which could reduce the look of stretch marks. It may also promote healing and prevent stretch marks from occurring.

 

So, pretty yourself up and get out there 😉 .  Meet up with him finally, if you haven't by now.

We never know until we go there. A coffee at first meet, usually.

 

[Kwothe28]

Are you planning to wear a top or having sex on first date? If the answer on both is "no", go see that guy if he expressed desire to see you. Just exchanging messages will indeed get you nowhere. And while you are insecure about your body, I am also sure that in a few months he probably saw pics of you or even maybe talked to you over video chat. And that you have nothing to worry about regarding the looks because he probably likes you. You need to see each other so it can progress, to see how you are together, how he behaves in person etc. Just messages are nothing. So, gather your confidence, arrange a date and see how it is going in person. Good luck.

[Cenkiz]

2 hours ago, Dolly1996 said:

@Cenkiz - Ah thank you so much, you are so, so kind. I do really want to meet with him, i just worry that i wont be what he expected, if you know what i mean? He compliments me all the time and really makes an attempt at boosting my confidence i just worry he'll be like "i didnt sign up for this" haha 

The only way you'll ever know is if you go meet him, I was the same when I first started dating, always questioning my self like im an alien lol after a few dates I realised people actually liked me for me and I was getting some where.

You have to meet him for your self, if he compliments you and you both get on then whats to loose. You will have a good date and see where things go.

Do it! don't over think it, if it doesnt work out on to the next 🙂

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

You have already established a rapport with him electronically so the next step is meeting in person.  Then if that goes well on to the next step and so on.

Given how you are approaching this I'd assume how you interacted online is irrelevant to whether you have in person chemistry- not at all because of looks or even if looks then the most minor reason.  If you're already nervous about dating having expectations based on how you typed and talked will make you even more nervous and making assumptions about how it should be in person. 

To me there's no 'step" of rapport on line - the purpose of communicating before meeting should be more to screen out -to make sure you do your safety related screening and simply to decide -do I think I could have a good conversation for about 45 minutes in person? A first meet is not a date  - it's to see if you should go on a date.  If he asks to meet you or you ask him you two are not planning a date because you've never met.  

[catfeeder]

You're indulging a fantasy 'about' someone rather than getting to know an actual person. You don't even know whether you'd even have the chemistry to ever WANT to take yourself to the bed with this guy.

If you can make dating about getting to know another human being, you'll learn whether he's willing to get to know you outside of a sexual relationship. From there, use good judgment: anyone who's only about sex will screen himself OUT of any concerns about exposing your body.

Do you believe that you deserve to find true simpatico with the RIGHT guy who owns the vision to see and appreciate your unique value--as a human being?

If so, start setting up quick meets over coffee with many men on your way home from work. If you get stood up, just take your coffee with you, and nothing is lost. Otherwise, spend about 30 minutes to learn whether you even like and are attracted enough to go out on an actual date. If so, either of you can contact the other with an invitation. If the answer is yes, the other accepts, and if not, no response is necessary.

This takes rejections pressures out of the equation and allows you to interact with REAL people to learn where you stand--and where you WANT to stand with them. Be up-front about what you are seeking out of dating, and skip anyone who doesn't know what he wants or who's just looking for casual sex.

Most people are NOT our match. Once you can grasp that, you'll gain a resilience for meeting plenty of men who you can tell, after 5 minutes, whether or NOT they might be good dating material for you.

The goal is to find the needle-in-the-haystack who 'gets you' and inspires you to feel comfortable enough to move beyond your insecurities and talk about your concerns BEFORE ever putting yourself into a sexual situation.

Date for learning rather than for impressing, and you'll eventually grow the confidence to decide who is WORTH your vulnerability--and who it NOT.

Head high.

[Dolly1996]

Thank you so much for every single one of your comments.

You have all made some pretty valid points that i wasn't even considering before, foolishly. 

As this is my first time in 2 years putting myself out there i can certainly see i was WAY in over my head with things that shouldn't even be a concern right now. I can confirm i do not plan on sleeping with him after a first date, so i have more time to work on my confidence, what i am comfortable with and my boundaries before that even happens so yes, i need to relax.

I also realize it is not anyone's responsibility to soothe my insecurities so its pretty evident i need to do some more internal work here! 

He has asked to go for coffee on Saturday morning, as he has work after so i think i'm going to go! as you have all said i have nothing to lose right and i think id enjoy something as casual as a coffee and a chat. 

Thank you again all 🙂 D xxx

[Batya33]

Oh good. I’m glad you’re meeting him in person. Your job is show up on time look nice and be nice and be responsible for fifty percent of the conversation.  I’d listen more than talk especially if you’re nervous.  You’ll learn more valuable info that way.  Good luck !