How to deal with your partners Insecurities, am I in the wrong?

[lionheart153]

I had a long as post but figured this would be more direct.

My current Gf was cleaning my house when I was at work as a surprise and found an old birthday gift from my ex. It was a small photo album of our 4 months together talking about how we met and how she loved me and ***. I wasn't keeping it for memories or anything I simply threw it up into my storage shelf when we broke up and completely forgot about it as I honestly haven't looked at my storage in years. I have thrown out a lot of my ex's things when we broke up which was over a 2 years ago now and we don't keep in touch as I have her blocked. But she found it and is now sad and insecure, thinking that I don't love her as much and stuff. Like saying how I don't like taking picture with my her but I took pictures with my ex. I explained that I don't like getting my picture taken and that my ex was a "social media influencer" so she constantly took pictures and forced me to take pictures with her (I do photography as a hobby). I put that in quotations because a social media influencer isn't real job unless you have 100k followers which my ex didn't it was something she wanted to gain but only had like 1000. But often time pictures of her happy with me was after a fight or argument and would usually be fake and my Gf can't seem to understand that. 

Anyway, what is the best way to deal with this? Any suggestions? Because I'm running out of ideas and now she went through the who album and read all the notes on it she is more insecure than ever.

[Lambert]

Honestly,  what she did was potentially very nice... cleaning for you.  But now she's using that against you, which is not very nice. 

Other people's insecurities are just that.  Their's. You did nothing wrong. 

It was wrong of her to press you and read all the descriptions in the album. EVERYONE has a past and you don't have to explain yours. But because you love her, you did. 

That should be enough.  You can't fix her own insecurities. She needs to work on those.

I would have a serious conversation with her. Is she mature enough to handle that?  If not maybe she is not the one for you. 

Sorry. But I wouldn't play into this bs and manipulative behavior.

[lionheart153]

9 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Honestly,  what she did was potentially very nice... cleaning for you.  But now she's using that against you, which is not very nice. 

Other people's insecurities are just that.  Their's. You did nothing wrong. 

It was wrong of her to press you and read all the descriptions in the album. EVERYONE has a past and you don't have to explain yours. But because you love her, you did. 

That should be enough.  You can't fix her own insecurities. She needs to work on those.

I would have a serious conversation with her. Is she mature enough to handle that?  If not maybe she is not the one for you. 

Sorry. But I wouldn't play into this bs and manipulative behavior.

I did sit her down to have a conversation, and while she did accept its her issue to deal with she seems resentful that it is always "her fault" hence why I am trying to see if maybe I have something to do with this. This is probably the second time this has happened the first time was a small piece of my ex's clothes was left in my closet somewhere and of course I had no idea it was there and she found it somehow of course. Since then I have purged my closet to see if there was anything left over. She complains that how come it is always her fault, but really did i do anything wrong?  Like when she moved out of her place, she still had a whole storage of her ex's things that she was procrastinating to send back to him cuz he now lives out of the country. I didn't even bother to look into it because I knew better. If I saw something like photos or memories it'd would just mess with me so why bother?

[Seraphim]

Who cleans the top of a closet when cleaning somebody’s house? No one. It was snooping. Not acceptable. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, lionheart153 said:

we broke up which was over a 2 years ago now and we don't keep in touch as I have her blocked.

Sorry this happened. How long have you been dating?

Explain that it was a chapter in your life that's been closed and forgotten for two years now.

Also tell her how much she means to you and that you love her, etc.

 Is this the same woman?:

 

[Lambert]

1 hour ago, lionheart153 said:

I did sit her down to have a conversation, and while she did accept its her issue to deal with she seems resentful that it is always "her fault" hence why I am trying to see if maybe I have something to do with this. This is probably the second time this has happened the first time was a small piece of my ex's clothes was left in my closet somewhere and of course I had no idea it was there and she found it somehow of course. Since then I have purged my closet to see if there was anything left over. She complains that how come it is always her fault, but really did i do anything wrong?  Like when she moved out of her place, she still had a whole storage of her ex's things that she was procrastinating to send back to him cuz he now lives out of the country. I didn't even bother to look into it because I knew better. If I saw something like photos or memories it'd would just mess with me so why bother?

I find it interesting that she is asking why is everything her fault? When she started this.  again!

It's not like you're telling her something is her fault. But here's the thing you're jumping through hoops to make this woman feel better for crap she's doing to herself. 

People do have insecurities and it is soooo much easier to blame the people around them for not doing more to save their feelings. but what are THEY DOING for themselves?

you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

The fact that you both have exes and you both have to live with it or choose to ignore (these things that don't matter) she's making herself responsible (not at fault) for not working on herself.

It rather denotes a level of immaturity on her part. And I further think, as I said earlier, she is manipulative. Instead if saying, yes dear. I'm sorry I've done this again. I need to work on this. She is choosing to get defensive and continue to blame others -- why is everything always her fault??

Because she  is creating problems that are not yours. Your not throwing things in her face..  she's snooping and then playing the victim.  

This is exhausting. 

[Batya33]

Seraphim is right. Cleaning someone else’s house doesn’t include top of a closet.  Only if the person is moving out and then typically the person who’s stuff it is goes through it himself to decide what to do with it.  

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, lionheart153 said:

I wasn't keeping it for memories or anything I simply threw it up into my storage shelf when we broke up and completely forgot about it as I honestly haven't looked at my storage in years. I have thrown out a lot of my ex's things when we broke up which was over a 2 years ago now and we don't keep in touch as I have her blocked. But she found it and is now sad and insecure, thinking that I don't love her as much and stuff.

Well she needs to deal with this one her own.  We all have ex's and is YOUR choice how you deal with your past.

None of it has to do with her.  If you choose to keep an album, letter, pics, etc.. that's your choice.

So, is really up to her to deal with it.  Accept & let it go!

If she doesn't feel secure with you and this causes issue's, then it's not okay with you two.

I feel there's underlying issue's here.

Not sure how long you've been involved or how well you know her, but something like this AND over-explaining yourself is not necessary.

 

[Andrina]

It's time to set relationship rules, which a lot of couples fail to do. With things I learned NOT to do because of my first marriage, when I dated who became my second husband, we discussed the rules that would be beneficial for the success of our relationship. One of them was not to call each other names during arguments. We tackle the issue without verbally attacking each other.

Another rule that refers to your situation is that after you've had a discussion to resolve an issue, that the subject is no longer brought up again. Rehashing and bringing up the same subject is like beating a dead horse. It's not productive and builds bitterness.

I'd bring up this rule to her for the good of your relationship. You were honest in your answers and so that's not going to change. You can either come to a consensus about picture taking and please her with a couple's photo now or then, or stick to your guns about rare picture taking. Whatever you decide, explain that if she can't abide by how you like to operate in a relationship, that you're probably not compatible enough for the long haul.

If she agrees to these rules, in time with you being faithful over the longterm, her new relationship anxieties will likely fade away. If they don't, she's not ready to be in a partnership.

With people like this, you can't be a doormat and allow this. Be ready to scare her straight and show her you're willing to walk away from someone who makes a mountain out of a molehill. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Rose Mosse]

It's no one's fault. Please don't make a bigger deal of this than it is. You both are dating at the moment so she has a chance to show you who she is as a person when you hit bumps and challenges in a relationship. Similarly, you have a chance to demonstrate how calm you are and dedicated to your current relationship you are. If you've done this, it is enough. Move forwards now.

This doesn't warrant any more words. Keep showing her you love her and care about her. Stop discussing the items there (and please get rid of them). If she persists on the issue months from now or continues to let it affect your dates and time together, let her go. 

[reinventmyself]

19 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Who cleans the top of a closet when cleaning somebody’s house? No one. It was snooping. Not acceptable. 

That's what I was going to ask. I chip in and help clean my bfs house.  It consists of wiping down the bathroom counter and putting the dishes away.  Not sure I'd ever end up cleaning a top shelf of storage closet . . unless I was snooping and looking for something.

Unless you did something wrong, it's not your job to make her feel better about this.  State your terms, reassure her and then step back and let her work this out.  Her insecurity is hers to deal with, not yours.

[DancingFool]

She used cleaning as an excuse to snoop and dig through every nook and cranny of your house with a very specific intent of looking for conflict. That's seriously shady and manipulative behavior and something you need to be wary of. It doesn't speak well of her character and how she operates as a person.

As for how you deal with it? You don't. There is no right or wrong in having a past. It exists. My point is don't get pulled into this kind of a false rabbit hole of who is right who is wrong, whose fault something is and absolutely do not apologize to her for having a life before her. 

Basically, your response is hard healthy boundaries where you need to tell her straight up that you will not tolerate this kind of behavior. Yes you had previous relationships, yes you are long done with them, yes you are with her today. If she can't trust you or accept that, she can leave, as in don't let the door hit you on the way out. She needs to know that you will not tolerate manipulative bs. If you kowtow to her bs and try to appease her, she will only get worse and worse and your relationship will turn toxic pretty fast.

On that note, do keep in eye on how she acts going forward. You seem to have a sensible grasp on what's right and wrong, but beware of people who make you question your own sanity and judgment about that.

[smackie9]

You do nothing. If you keep trying to smooth things over all you are doing is enabling her insecurities. You already answered her questions, and now the rest is up to her. Just ignore it and go about your business. She needs to grow up and work through this on her own. If she can't you need to reassess your relationship.

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You do nothing. If you keep trying to smooth things over all you are doing is enabling her insecurities. You already answered her questions, and now the rest is up to her. Just ignore it and go about your business.

Yep, you keep trying to appease her and next she'll want to go through your phone and laptop to "clean up viruses". And of course she would need all your passwords.

Tell her you've already explained. If she chooses to continue to make herself miserable over this there isn't anything you can do to stop her.

[lionheart153]

2 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

It's no one's fault. Please don't make a bigger deal of this than it is. You both are dating at the moment so she has a chance to show you who she is as a person when you hit bumps and challenges in a relationship. Similarly, you have a chance to demonstrate how calm you are and dedicated to your current relationship you are. If you've done this, it is enough. Move forwards now.

This doesn't warrant any more words. Keep showing her you love her and care about her. Stop discussing the items there (and please get rid of them). If she persists on the issue months from now or continues to let it affect your dates and time together, let her go. 

I think this was the approach that I told her when she mentioned about the fault issue. That is isn't inherently anyone's fault because we both have a past. I never asked for my life with my ex to be shared with the world nor did I expect her to follow said person to know those memories. When I got home and saw the album I went and threw it into the trash with out even a second thought because I simply don't care about it. When she arrived home I sat her down and we talked and she was level headed and understood that it meant nothing, that was until later that night. 

I guess how this escalated was the same day we had a party to go to for my friend in celebration of an achievement he made in his career. And she had a few drinks, which of course always happens as my friends love drinking with her (I don't like drinking, I do it socially only). When we got home, of course she starts talking about it. Hence us getting into it all. 

I guess if there is a resolution to this in the end is that I made it clear that it isn't ok for her to do this. I get when she accidently found a piece of ladies underwear in my closet a while back (again I didn't know it was there) I've told her not to clean my place as I have someone for that, and that even if she found the album, the minute she saw what it was she should have stopped. And now she will have to live with knowing what was in it. It sucks but that is what it is. She did apologize and genuinely feels bad about it but I am just trying my best to show her how much I care about her. And that we have to move on from it. 

2 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

That's what I was going to ask. I chip in and help clean my bfs house.  It consists of wiping down the bathroom counter and putting the dishes away.  Not sure I'd ever end up cleaning a top shelf of storage closet . . unless I was snooping and looking for something.

Unless you did something wrong, it's not your job to make her feel better about this.  State your terms, reassure her and then step back and let her work this out.  Her insecurity is hers to deal with, not yours.

So to be fair it was a shelving area that over looks my floor where my kitchen and my living room is. Hard to explain but yes it was a bit disorganized as I keep all my computer parts boxes on my build, my motorcycle helmets and their respective boxes as well as just other junk. So I can see why she wanted to organize it. 

[Batya33]

She should not be organizing your stuff without your permission.  She could end up throwing away something really important and have access to stuff she shouldn't as your girlfriend/not your spouse.  I don't understand why it was wrong of you to have it in the first place.

[Rose Mosse]

Let this go and for heaven's sake give your place a good clean. No other women's underwear by accident in your closet, make a conscious effort to declutter - mentally and physically everywhere around you. Her snooping (and I'll call it exactly that because that's what it is) was bound to turn up something tasteless or old/outdated. She might distrust you not for your loyalty in general but because you're just messy and careless. 

This is a good lesson to deep clean and prepare yourself mentally and emotionally, remove old items that no longer mean anything to you, and generally keep a tidy and organized house before moving from one relationship to the next. Both of you may be on very different wavelengths if she holds this against you or can't look past it. I don't blame her either. It is perfectly ok to not get along. 

Please don't let her manipulate you either or guilt trip you further. If she chooses to be with you she also chooses to be with your clutter or odd items here and there. 

[smackie9]

Be careful about when you show how much you care about her...if she gets insecure, and you go on and smother her with love, you actually reward the insecurity. That's what I meant about enabling. You need to let her know it's unacceptable.

[Batya33]

I think if he tends to be cluttered then that's fine and it's his place and no one should be going through his clutter to "organize" it.  Even neat/tidy people keep mementos and nostalgia - my dad was one of those people -very neat and kept boxes of old photos and albums and thank goodness he did.  If they move in together they can see what they do about different levels of neatness/decluttering they may have. I always had old photos of old boyfriends, prom pictures, old letters (pre-internet!) and never ever considered decluttering just because I started dating someone nor did I ever expect it of the other person -seems really presumptuous to me.

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, lionheart153 said:

I've told her not to clean my place as I have someone for that

Does she stay over a lot or have a key? Hopefully you've worked it out.