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I give up. I'm not strong enough for this life.


rchubn
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No one in this world loves me.

 

I'm not close to my moms family and I live my life alone with no family around me. I got in contact with my estranged father after 20 years of no contact and found out that he has a 10 year old daughter. I made a mistake and looked him up on Facebook and his daughter is extremely beautiful. There are so many pictures of them out and about doing things and I developed this toxic jealousy against her and I feel terrible about it. 

 

I'm realizing he will never love me as much as he loves her. She's his little girl. Not me. He doesn't even know me. He attempts to message me almost every day but its normally just small talk. I want this relationship to work out but I struggle with the fact that he is very capable of living life without me. He did it for 20 years. 

What should I do about this? 

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My heart goes out to you, Rchubn, and I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. 

A strategic move might be to consider ways that hating the daughter less might end up being a ticket to future closeness with your Dad and his side of your family.

What has you estranged from your Mom's side?

You are NOT insignificant. You are being challenged to find your own value, and I understand that knowing this may not make it less painful--but it can help to build your resilience.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

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You’ve made it this far, with less support than average. I think you are mighty and I’m sorry the burden of solitude feels so unbearable at this time. 
 

First things first, are you well fed? Are you hydrated? Are you getting enough sleep?! These are small kindnesses you can do for yourself. 
 

On a day when you’ve had an excellent night’s sleep and eaten a delicious breakfast (or wait till lunch if you are not a breakfast person), I hope you sit down and do some brainstorming to see how you might be able to make some more connections with humans who like and value your presence in their lives (you might not have met them yet but I am so so certain they are out there). 
 

Co signing get a mental health care professional on board too if you can (and if you cannot afford that, at least make friends with the woebot on Facebook. It’s just a little mental health care AI but sometimes if you tell it you’re feeling really bad it will ask you a question that helps you zoom out from the thing that’s bringing you down and see a bigger, less depressing picture). 

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He loves you.  He wouldn't take the time to message you almost every day if he didn't (even if it is just small talk).

Your feelings of jealousy are valid.  Here is someone who was supposed to be a father to you, chumming it up and doing daddy/daughter things with someone else.  Take a moment and breathe though.  Realize this is not about who he loves more or less, but just circumstances.  He has a closer relationship with her because she has been in his life.

It is never too late to forge relationships.  Plan something together with your dad.  Try not to look at her as your enemy and get to know your half sister.  Who knows, you might be able to have a great friendship/relationship.

There are people in your life who care about you, and who you touch without even realizing it.  You matter more than you know.  Good luck!

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