affair My dad has an affair.

[lean]

Hi 

So ya, to start with my mom found out that that my dad has an affair with another woman and they always meet. Almost every day actually. To be honest I am torn with respect toward my father and hatred. Now my father wanted to take that woman as a second wife ( my country allows polygamous relationship ). Of course, I hate that woman and to make it worst, she went to my house and bang on the door this morning because my mom won't let my dad take his phone or take a step outside without her this last few days. I mean how shameless can she be. My maternal grandma said that mom should go back to her house if dad decided to take that woman. Jokes on you, I hate that woman so much. You see my father was one of the biggest shareholder in a company and that mean he has this tons of authorities in this company. My mom found out that my dad is trying to take that woman as one of the staff there. So my mom went to see the company CEO and well at that time she could not control her anger. You know what my dad did? She scold my mom. That woman also blame my mother's friend for telling her about their affair. I mean she goes around with my dad calling her honey and stuff. They even met each respective family to get blessings and she goes around telling everyone my dad is her boyfriend and they are waiting for my mother approval. Are my mom a jokes to you?

It broke my heart to see my dad acting like nothing ever happen and mom keep on crying. You see my mom is a housewife. She said that she become a housewife when my dad coaxed her to take care of the children. If not for dad, she will have a brighter life. After she married my dad she got an offer in one of the biggest company in my country, but she turned it down because she said that she does not want a long distance relationship, later she fell into depression then she got better, then she got a job somewhere closer and later she quit to become a housewife.

I am the eldest out of 5 siblings and I am a first year in college with full parents support. So I could not do anything except for the mental support to mum. I am still living with her. Mom said that she is trying to hold herself and ask me to study and get good job, so she can be at ease. My mom is well she is crying almost every day and she only slept for a few hours last night. I am thinking of getting a job, but I know mom and dad will object. I just cant focus and my younger siblings does not know anything. It pain me seeing them and mom. 

Well I am venting here since I'll stay anonymous here. My mom only told me, her parents and some of the close friends. 

I will take any advice on what can I do now. 

Thank you.,

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, lean said:

my country allows polygamous relationship

How old are you? Start applying now to universities in countries that do not have polygamy. Hopefully you can get a job after college and live the way you wish.

If that is the case it's not cheating. Live with your mother and hope that you can flee your country before you suffer the same fate of being one of multiple wives.

[SooSad33]

I'm sorry for your mother's pain 😕 .

Sounds like you parents have a conflict.. and by sounds of it your mom will NOT be accepting of this other woman.

In ways, for your mom to find out in a different way - not from your dad, was not a good thing.  This, is where I find this selfish on your dad's end.  he never mentioned any of this (idea) to your mom before his 'affair'.  I can understand where her pains arise.

Could your mother now consider moving again away from all of this, if she can try & get that other, better job?

Or just remove herself from all of this & yes, be with you? And rid of your father? Especially if it's caused so much damage on her. 😕 .

I just feel it was NOT right on him to behave this way.  No warnings on 'his wants', nothing.

 

[DancingFool]

I'm really sorry for what you are going through.

I can only offer you practical advice, which is stay in college, finish your education so you can get a better job and a better future for yourself and eventually your mom too. Unfortunately, sometimes leaving this kind of a situation has to be a long game and it's better to be driven by reason rather than emotions. As impossible as it seems, emotions subside and the pain is finite. Setting yourself up for a solid financial future is for life and critical that you keep your eye on that ball at all costs for the long term benefit of all of you.

Meanwhile, you are doing your best to support your mom in the only way possible - being there for her emotionally. I can only imagine her pain at discovering this level of deceit by someone she loved and trusted. Please encourage her to start making decisions like if she wants to leave him she needs to talk to lawyers and start looking for a job and means of support. It's good that she is telling her family and friends what's going and getting support around her. She is not the only one in this predicament and being a house wife is not something that precludes her from getting up on her own feet, getting a good job and building a great life for herself without a cheater in it.

She does need to grieve and let out all the emotions, but then do gently steer her toward the practical aspects of leaving and how to and no, it cannot be just by you taking on her full support. She is capable herself so please be sure to remind her of that.

[LaHermes]

14 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Please encourage her to start making decisions like if she wants to leave him she needs to talk to lawyers and start looking for a job and means of support

I so agree, DF. 

[greendots]

I'm sorry for what you are going through as well.

As others have suggested, keep studying and consider whether moving to a stable country where polygamy is not accepted would interest you. That way you can plan on how to get there.

I honestly wish for you to find the strength to keep moving forward. Your family is blessed to have you!

[DarkCh0c0]

5 hours ago, DancingFool said:

I can only offer you practical advice, which is stay in college, finish your education so you can get a better job and a better future for yourself and eventually your mom too. Unfortunately, sometimes leaving this kind of a situation has to be a long game and it's better to be driven by reason rather than emotions. As impossible as it seems, emotions subside and the pain is finite.

I fully fully agree.

And, OP, if she doesn't leave her cheating husband, that'll be on her. It's not your responsibility. 

You can be there for morale support, as others have suggested, but you can't do more. She has to figure this out for herself. She has options: going back to work, filing for divorce, living with her mom, ect.

She is not a victim and so aren't you. Keep that in mind.

[reinventmyself]

I feel for you and the feelings you are having are complex.

My mom confided in me when I was a young adult that my father had a couple affairs. I remember being pregnant, at lunch when she told me. I excused myself to go to the restroom and was sure I would throw up.

It forever changed how I viewed my father.  Years went by and I still never saw him the same. I loved him but always had this anger towards him buried inside. It shaped the way I interacted with him from that moment on.  Everything I knew as a young woman was changed in that instant.  Add in the fact that my Dad had very high standards and was often tough on my brother and I.  Turns out he was the most flawed amongst us.

I was angry with my mother for telling me.  There was a part of me that believed she shouldn't have burdened me with that information.  After all she stayed with him and she had to some how sweep it under the rug to do so.

I realize that this is current and fresh for you.  My only advise is at some point, when the dust settles you might try to compartmentalize this.  I wanted a relationship with my father and I had to view my relationship with him as totally separate than the one he had with my mother.   It wasn't easy.

I'm sorry you are going through this.