Ms

[Kharris 90]

Hi I'm married to my husband who is 36 and I'm 30 weve been together since I was 19 and he was my first and only we have four children together youngest is 2 and I am recovering mentally from a complicated miscarriage we had around 3-4 years ago it's hard to talk about and I felt guilty putting it on him when he was hurting too. So I bottled it up and it changed me so I was distant and cold and I didn't mean to be. No PDAs or attention just mum mode only. My relationship suffered but then he spends all his weekends away with friends drinking and I'm alone with the kids he goes to a sad event for his friends and I can't go because I need to take care of kids again he comes home 2 days later than arranged and tells.me he has feelings for another woman who is in her 40s with alcohol dependence and serious social issues who is completely not his type. He tells me she's better looking than me and fitter than me (thinner) I'm lost as I lost my husband more than I can say and Don t want him to leave and definitely not for her it's insulting to say the least he says it's too late and the changes I've been making recently are too late as I've been going to counselling and feeling better but it's too Little too late anyone been in this situation and what can I do to help him feel again?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. he's cheating so you need to contact an attorney.

Also see a physician about your depression/anxiety. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

 Enlist the support of trusted friends and family.

[DarkCh0c0]

Oh my. I am so sorry darling. He is already out of the door. You don't want to be someone who doesn't desire you.

Focus on you and your kids. Take care of you and do seek an attorney for divorce.

Indeed, do seek help from friends, family, physicians, and support groups. Some grief therapy might be helpful regarding loosing the baby,... And this relationship.

Please, pick up the rest of your pride and self-worth and do not stay in such a cheating and loveless marriage- specially for the kids.

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Indeed, do seek help from friends, family, physicians, and support groups. Some grief therapy might be helpful regarding losing the baby,... And this relationship.

I am sorry for your pains 😞 

I do second this... sounds like some heavy stuff has affected your relationship over the past few years and has taken it's toll.. on you both.

And yes, also seek your legal rights... If he wants to act out this way, then you let him.. No begging, chasing.. nothing!  If someday he comes to regret his move, that's on him!

Either way, you look into some therapy and focus on your kids.. they need you ❤️ .. Been there, and I managed okay.

Things do get easier in time . . But, it may just be, that in this time, you come to realize it was for the best.

Stick with your support system (family/friends) and give yourself time. (((Hugs)).  One day at a time.

[DancingFool]

First thing is please do not blame yourself. He chose to step out on his marriage all on his own instead being there for you and for his children. That's a serious character flaw. Consider that you both had some hard times, but you didn't run off into another man's arms, didn't cheat, didn't see that as an option. His choices are on him and him alone, including the drinking. It actually stands to reason that he found another alcoholic to shack up with as water seeks its own level. You might not be aware or be in denial, but chances are better than average that he is a functional alcoholic himself. 

Second is no, do not run after a cheater. His choices are on him and you deserve better. Not only that, but I'd advise you against taking him back once he realizes how much child support will cost him and decides it's cheaper to stick around and stay married.

Third, please find a good therapist to help you deal with the divorce and one who understands that leaving your wife and 4 young children at home while he goes off drinking and cheating is a form of abuse and not something to fix but rather something to get away from asap. You need someone in your corner to help you cope and to keep you strong.

Finally, get a pitbull lawyer and get a divorce. Life won't be easy, but it will be that much harder on you if you try to cling on to this lousy excuse for a man. Also, do this for your children. Divorce is less damaging to them than watching dad cheat on mom and yes, children always catch on to that. Better to show them that adults can and should part ways when the relationship turns toxic and yours, unfortunately has.

[HeartGoesOn]

4 hours ago, Kharris 90 said:

anyone been in this situation and what can I do to help him feel again?

He should have no problem "feeling," when he sees how much child support will cost him.

Either way, I'm sorry you're in this mess, but you need to ask yourself how you could ever trust him again?  You and your children deserve much better...

[LaHermes]

22 hours ago, Kharris 90 said:

He tells me she's better looking than me and fitter than me (thinner)

I cannot believe OP that you would even contemplate remaining with this man.  The fact that he would even SAY such a thing to his wife!

I endorse what DF says:

20 hours ago, DancingFool said:

get a pitbull lawyer and get a divorce. Life won't be easy, but it will be that much harder on you if you try to cling on to this lousy excuse for a man. Also, do this for your children. Divorce is less damaging to them than watching dad cheat on mom

 

[Wise Wally]

It was your husbands job to love you, support you, and to provide the mental strength during the tough times.  Instead, that worthless, selfish, piece of crap replaced you with a drunken ***.  If you chain-smoked 3 packs a day, you'd be thinner too.  Change the locks and move on.  

[smackie9]

IMO he didn't perform his role in your marriage. He totally stepped out on you and the kids. Yes it's alcohol related...he's gone down that alcoholic road and is making horrible life choices. I come from a family of alcoholics and what I see he's not in his right mind. Lost his way? Sure but never the less, you have more important things to do and that's getting a lawyer. His situation is not yours to fix, nor is it you to be blamed. This is the worst type of behavior, and he deserves to be served with divorced papers.

[Lambert]

this is so incredibly hurtful, OP. You're blinded by hurt to see what a total piece of poop this husband of yours is.

Do your future self and your children a favor and divorce him. You deserve and will find better. Even alone is better than being cheated on, insulted and treated this way. 

 

[abitbroken]

I am sorry your husband has checked out, but someone can only go so long being ignored.  Grief brought me and my guy closer -- not farther away when i went through a loss of a baby.  I would continue going to counseling for yourself. You have to shift going to counseling "to get him back" and do it just for you.

It may be too late.  I know you say you are feeling better, but is there anything you have done in the past three years to make your husband feel valued? 

I can't tell whether he is saying these things to get you to act or he is sincerely done with you. If he was done, he would have moved out.   Continue counseling but also exercise, put some care into yourself again for yourself.  That way you are strong enough for either outcome

[lostandhurt]

OP you there?

  Do you want him back out of fear of being alone?  If so you really have been alone for some time haven't you? 

Lost

[Kharris 90]

I want him because I love him so much I can't bear the idea of being without him. He says he hasn't physically done anything but the idea he would consider it hurts so bad. I wanna be stronger but don't want to give up without a fight

 

[gamon]

11 hours ago, Kharris 90 said:

 He says he hasn't physically done anything

If nothing else don't be so naive.

All cheaters lie. Your husband has no reason to be honest with you, he's found someone he likes better.

The sooner you accept this harsh reality and pull your head out of the sand, the better off you will be.