am I the *sshole?

[ohce754]

I might be making this bigger than it needs to be but...some context: I've been with this person for 2+ years he always has had anger issues but its gotten so much better. That being said, he does this thing where if he's had a bad day or something happened he is visibly upset and acts as if I'm the one who has made him angry. I can always tell right off the bat if its going to be one of those days, I've offered to help him find therapy, I've bought him a punching bag, I communicated my boundaries that venting is okay with me but not misdirected anger. He says he understands and he is working on it, and to be fair, he has been working on it and slowly improving. Lately, I've been really overwhelmed with school, work and family life to where I haven't really had time for myself. My therapist has been pushing for me to try and make time to make time for myself but I've been struggling with it. Today was the first day I tried that and after an emotionally draining day at work I was looking forward to it. In the morning I felt something was off with his responses, but he has told me multiple times that asking him if he wants to talk about anything or acknowledge his mood shift it makes it worse, so I push through and keep with the optimism. Towards the end of my shift (he didn't work today so I was going to pick him up to go and just eat some pizza by the beach for an hour). I called him and asked if he still wanted to go and reassured him it wouldn't be a big deal if he doesn't because I needed to catch up on a lot of things anyway. He said "sure" so I told him he can just let me know if he changes his mind. I pick him up and he is replying with one word sentences and not really engaging in conversation. I tried staying on positive topics of how I see myself improving my self esteem at work but tbh I'm starting to get frustrated, conversations about how his day went seemed to be something he didn't want to talk about so I didn't push it. 

TLDR: Once we got the pizza we parked by the beach, and I was going to roll the windows of my car up, I didn't notice he has his elbow there so when I rolled it up he bumped it and got mad, he didn't want to eat the pizza. I said it was an accident and that I was sorry. he said that he knows it was accident and that he forgives me but he can still be mad and that he still has the right to have his emotions because he can't control it. And he's right no one should have to apologize for how they feel, but at the same time, I feel like something like this has happened to everyone, and it is something so small that ruined his mood completely you know? This made be really upset because I kept thinking "I'm an hour behind on things I need to do, for THIS?". This isn't the first time something like this has happened but I think since I have been overly stressed I can't handle anything else on top of it. Am I being selfish or an *sshole? Am I essentially asking him to turn off his emotions? Idk what to do tbh... 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, ohce754 said:

 I've bought him a punching bag, 

In abusive relationships, YOU are the punching bag.

He's not "angry" he's abusive. He feels good when he makes you feel bad. It's fun for him.

Stop trying to fix and change him.

Read up on "abusive relationships".

Read up on "cycle of violence". You describe perfectly the "tension building phase" before the blow up.

Talk to trusted adults and family about this. Most of all, educate yourself on abuse.

 

[DarkCh0c0]

Yup.

Why do you put up with him? I'm sure, if you break up with him, your mental health will improve dramatically. He's acting like a baby, throwing tantrums and guilt tripping you. He's indeed abusive. He saw you in a good mood and wanted to ruin it. Abusive people love to suck others' energy.

I suggest you take an abusive relationship score quiz from a good website. https://au.reachout.com/articles/signs-of-an-abusive-relationship for reading, and https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/ as a start/quiz.

[Kwothe28]

Why are you dating emotionally unavailable baby? That vents all his work problems on you and throws tantrums for smallest things? Also, you push him way too much. While not realizing that emotionally unavailable baby will indeed always ruin your day no matter what you do. And then make it on you. Next time when you want to make time for yourself, just do that. Get some pizza by yourself, listen some music in car by the beach and enjoy. And see how much happier you are without him. That will be your que that somebody like that has nothing to contribute to your life and that he is just making you unhappy. 

[smackie9]

He sounds like my mother. She's a narcissist/ bi-polar. She's a bully and it seems whenever she's in one of her moods, she wants to take me down with her. She will even send me passive aggressive emails to entice the encounter. And yes she says that too when I try to tell her how I feel about her attitude, she turns it on me and says "What I'm not allowed to feel this way?" This pisses me off, because it's all it is, is a diversion tactic. It become all about them. Your BF lacks empathy.  When he is angry, he makes sure you go down with him. That you must feel his frustration and not allowed to be happy because he's not.

He's years away from being anywhere normal. Get out now! Run away as fast as you can!

[Rose Mosse]

He sounds very much like my ex-husband, manipulative. I'm sorry - just leave. End the relationship and don't keep living with this nightmare. Nothing or anything will always be a problem. 

[melancholy123]

All the above people said what I planned to say.  The guy is the a-hole not you.  Passive aggressive jerk.   Get out now, he's not worth the aggro and you cant change him.  He needs some serious help.

[Batya33]

Of course he has the right to his feelings.  But he knows darn well he can control his reactions.  My son is 12 and he's known that for years so if he expresses emotions inappropriately -or if I do -we apologize and we try to make it better/not to repeat the mistake.  Because it is a mistake! He is wanting you to walk on eggshells and acting like a jerk.  I agree with the others.

[catfeeder]

If you find yourself always walking a tight rope or a mine field to determine whether someone is having a good day or a bad day, then they are not your 'partner,' they are your adversary.

I'd get out of that mess, quickly.

Nobody 'must' be the villain or the AH. Some people are just mentally ill or otherwise not capable of participating in a relationship in any kind of healthy way.

You can cater, you can strive, you can do your own 'healing,' but unless and until you recognize that some people are best loved from far away, you are spinning your wheels.

You can't heal another. It's not even helpful to either of you for you to try. He's lost respect for you and takes you for granted, which is why he can run right over you whenever he feels like it, and you put up with that, which means it will only keep happening--regardless of what you 'say'.

I'd take the quickest exit, and if your therapist hasn't recommended this or isn't on board to help you do this, then I'd hire a new therapist while you are at it.

Head high, and write more if it helps.