What does he want from me?

[missl_xx]

Hello! Looking for some opinions/advice please.

Last Christmas time I met a guy online and we just really hit it off. We spent hours on the phone, had Netflix dates through FaceTime and I felt like we began to like each other (as much as you can without meeting someone in person of course). He asked if I wanted to meet and I said yes but this was during lockdown so we physically couldn’t but we made plans to meet as soon as lockdown was lifted and this was something we spoke about quite often.

However we both live in different parts of the UK and the covid lockdown kept being extended so our meeting up date kept getting pushed back. I found this really tough and after a few months I began to feel things fizzling. Things completely fizzled out and I was quite disappointed as I feel like we never got to meet and see what things could have been like in person.

We didn’t speak for a few months but he has recently contacted me again. He said he has been thinking about me and apologised for the way things fizzled, he said he found the lockdown very tough and also that the distance had started to scare him - he said he felt like someone was going to get hurt. I would like to meet him this time round and just see what the chemistry is like in person but after his comment about being scared by the distance, I’m not sure what his intentions are with me. I don’t want to feel like we are just pen pals. He hasn’t mentioned meeting up and I feel like I am more interested than he is.

I suppose my question is - why would he come back if he is scared of the distance? Is it just for company/attention through the phone? I will only really know if I have this conversation with him - but it would be good to get some opinions on this before I raise it with him!

[DarkCh0c0]

32 minutes ago, missl_xx said:

He hasn’t mentioned meeting up and I feel like I am more interested than he is.

If he hasn't mentioned meeting up, then I'd suggest you let it go.

It is indeed confusing. Lockdown is finally over and all he wants is to chit chat over the phone? AND he mentioned the distance would be a problem.

Too many red flags. Stand your ground and decline.

[MissCanuck]

35 minutes ago, missl_xx said:

why would he come back if he is scared of the distance? Is it just for company/attention through the phone?

Quite possibly. 

He might have got talking to another woman locally as well, and his attention was diverted there, leaving your thing to fade away. Perhaps that's fizzled now too so he's circling back to you. 

I would personally keep my distance this time. The distance hasn't changed, so there's not much point in attempting to pursue this if it bothers him. 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, missl_xx said:

without meeting someone in person of course. we both live in different parts of the UK .He hasn’t mentioned meeting up and I feel like I am more interested than he is.

Sorry this is happening. Not wanting to meet or deliberately pursuing a distance relationship are two red flags.

It's possible he's not really who he claims to be or is in another relationship. That may be why he ghosted for a while.

Try to phase this out so you don't spend your time on a no-win situation. Invest your time in local real people you can meet in a timely fashion and get to know in person.

[Kwothe28]

56 minutes ago, missl_xx said:

I suppose my question is - why would he come back if he is scared of the distance?

Because he had another woman in meantime. Now after that one is over he remembered you. When they fizzle out and then come back its usually that.

If you cant see each other, or he just wont, dont waste your time there. 

[Batya33]

Give it one chance -short and sweet "It's nice to hear from you.  Are you interested in meeting in person?" You're not asking him for a date.  Meet him in a public place where the plan is to spend an hour or so together.  If there's chemistry in person perhaps he'll ask you out for a date.

[SooSad33]

I suggest you mention your concerns on this..

That you don't want to be hurt in all of this.. that things faded off last time and will possibly happen again 😕 .

And, if distance will be an issue, is maybe best you two just go your separate ways.

 

[greendots]

5 hours ago, missl_xx said:

We didn’t speak for a few months but he has recently contacted me again. He said he has been thinking about me and apologised for the way things fizzled, he said he found the lockdown very tough and also that the distance had started to scare him - he said he felt like someone was going to get hurt.

+ He has initiated contact again.
+ He apologized, giving you a proper explanation.
- He hasn't asked to see you again.

I second Batya's recommendation of giving him a second chance and see if he wants to meet you.

[Rose Mosse]

The only way to know is to be direct with him. Be respectful also if he expresses hesitancy in meeting with you or if the distance is too much and cut your losses then. 

[Tinydance]

Well in my city in Australia we've had basically like nearly a year of very hard lockdown. I was trying to do all this online dating and especially last year a lot of these "dates" was just video calls and virtual movie and so on. Many of them fizzled as well. If I must be honest, I don't really want to put such a huge amount of effort into something either where you talk and message all the time, when I'd never even met the person in real life. I know in lockdown there's not much to do but it takes a lot of time and physical and emotional energy, and may prove to be all for nothing. I feel like if the lockdown was going on for too long that I might drop off as well because I might feel like it’s all a big limbo.

However, if lockdown lifted and I did really like that person from the video calls and so on, I feel like I'd want to meet at least once to really get that closure. To really know if it could be something or not. Because you both live in the UK and as I understand the UK is not a massive country territory wise? It looks so small on the map lol I have been to London though which isn't small. I think let's just say if you met and you really like each other, you could probably travel to each other. You could spend weekends at each other's place and things like that.

My advice would be just to suggest to him to meet. You could meet halfway somewhere. Just see how it goes. If it's not good in person that's OK. Then you have your answer. Sometimes in life you gotta take risks though. Sure, you might travel far and waste your time but otherwise how will you know?

[missl_xx]

7 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well in my city in Australia we've had basically like nearly a year of very hard lockdown. I was trying to do all this online dating and especially last year a lot of these "dates" was just video calls and virtual movie and so on. Many of them fizzled as well. If I must be honest, I don't really want to put such a huge amount of effort into something either where you talk and message all the time, when I'd never even met the person in real life. I know in lockdown there's not much to do but it takes a lot of time and physical and emotional energy, and may prove to be all for nothing. I feel like if the lockdown was going on for too long that I might drop off as well because I might feel like it’s all a big limbo.

However, if lockdown lifted and I did really like that person from the video calls and so on, I feel like I'd want to meet at least once to really get that closure. To really know if it could be something or not. Because you both live in the UK and as I understand the UK is not a massive country territory wise? It looks so small on the map lol I have been to London though which isn't small. I think let's just say if you met and you really like each other, you could probably travel to each other. You could spend weekends at each other's place and things like that.

My advice would be just to suggest to him to meet. You could meet halfway somewhere. Just see how it goes. If it's not good in person that's OK. Then you have your answer. Sometimes in life you gotta take risks though. Sure, you might travel far and waste your time but otherwise how will you know?

Thank you so much, it’s nice to hear someone who has had a similar experience.

You are right, if I am to ask then I will get my answer either way and will have closure from the situation.

I am from Scotland he is from Northern Ireland so we are in different countries but I would be willing to meet up once and just try things out!

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, missl_xx said:

I am from Scotland he is from Northern Ireland so we are in different countries but I would be willing to meet up once and just try things out!

Why bother? It can't really go anywhere with this much working against it.

Dating is to find a real life viable relationship, no? 

 

[missl_xx]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why bother? It can't really go anywhere with this much working against it.

Dating is to find a real life viable relationship, no? 

 

Thank you for your advice but it is my choice. Hope you have a good day!

[LaHermes]

MissL.

It is probably best to let it go.  Maybe he just isn't that interested. Who knows.  Did he make any mention of travelling over to see you?

There is a frequent ferry from Larne (NI) to Stranraer (Scotland)!  Crossing distance is 32 miles. And the public is now allowed to travel again.  Granted, Stranraer may be some distance from where you live in Scotland. What do you think?

 

[dias]

39 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Crossing distance is 32 miles. 

Just an ultra distance swim away. Feasible. But she may live on the other side of Scotland. 

[LaHermes]

58 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Granted, Stranraer may be some distance from where you live in Scotland.

As I said.

She could be in the Highlands for that matter.