random contact

[Afireblue]

Hello! I had a random contact from my latest ex...

We "tried" to stay friends on his request, but I couldnt do it because I still had feelings for him. So I would reply to his texts but I never initiated and one day the messages stopped coming for 1 month. Today randomly he sent me a photo of a place we used to visit for dates, it was like "our place".

 

Why do people do this? is it ego? loneliness? is he getting of probably knowing that this will get my attention?. 

Any opinions?

[smackie9]

Either he's thinking of having it another go with you OR he's trying to siphon you back for sex, or he's just bored/lonely trying to get the chat/memories going again. 

The best thing for you to do is ask him. If it's a stupid excuse, block/delete him.

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Afireblue said:

I had a random contact from my latest ex. Today randomly he sent me a photo of a place we used to visit for dates

Sorry this happened. What was the breakup about and how long ago was it?

Are you hoping to reconcile?

Of course it's best not to stay friends and if he's annoying you, delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

Is this the same man?:

 

[reinventmyself]

10 minutes ago, Afireblue said:

Hello! I had a random contact from my latest ex...

We "tried" to stay friends on his request, but I couldnt do it because I still had feelings for him. So I would reply to his texts but I never initiated and one day the messages stopped coming for 1 month. Today randomly he sent me a photo of a place we used to visit for dates, it was like "our place".

 

Why do people do this? is it ego? loneliness? is he getting of probably knowing that this will get my attention?. 

Any opinions?

What's helpful in these types of situations is to not try to get a look inside his head and his motivations.  By doing so it keeps you attached.

If you really want to move on, block his number.  My guess this recent text sets you back and you find yourself here asking what his intentions are.   You said you didn't want to be friends, but you leave the door open for him to drop in and basically open a wound that you are trying to heal every time he does it.  

 

[DancingFool]

When he disappeared, it's because he was busy with someone else. Since that didn't work out, he is back pinging you to see if you are still sitting around pining for him to soothe his ego.

OP, when someone dumps you they lose the privilege of your friendship and companionship as well. Ending relationships has consequences. 

So please don't bother responding or if you do, it should only be "please stop contacting me, thanks". If he doesn't respect that, block him for good.

 

[Coily]

The whole "lets stay friends" thing is often just a way to keep on good enough terms so when they get bored they have someone to use (ego boost, sex, etc). Do yourself a favor and don't let them play mind games with you, burn the bridge no longer in use and walk away.

[SooSad33]

Yup, you got it right.. they try to go with this 'let's be friends'.. but no, you can't, you're right!

Is hard enough to have to accept & work through your emotions.. You don't need reminders.

You crossed that line of 'friendship'. It's just done now.

Don't do him any favours... and take care of yourself now.

Ignore.. heal.. keep moving ahead.

[Afireblue]

Well, thank you for your input, I know that I should have blocked him. He had been inviting me on hikes but not alone, with a group of mutual acquaintances, however, I always made excuses. I broke up with him because I found out he was lying to me. I knew that I shouldnt have accepted to be friends as I was still hurt. But my other friends are friendly with their exes all the time and hang out, but I have never been able to do that. I wanted to "act like a grownup" in a way. 

[DancingFool]

8 minutes ago, Afireblue said:

Well, thank you for your input, I know that I should have blocked him. He had been inviting me on hikes but not alone, with a group of mutual acquaintances, however, I always made excuses. I broke up with him because I found out he was lying to me. I knew that I shouldnt have accepted to be friends as I was still hurt. But my other friends are friendly with their exes all the time and hang out, but I have never been able to do that. I wanted to "act like a grownup" in a way. 

Sorry but there is nothing grown up or healthy about trailing a bunch of ex's as "friends" behind you. That's not friendship, that's baggage and most people will see it as that. Learning to let go is part of actual maturity and in that regard you are more mature and sensible than your friends.

[Rose Mosse]

1 minute ago, DancingFool said:

Sorry but there is nothing grown up or healthy about trailing a bunch of ex's as "friends" behind you. That's not friendship, that's baggage and most people will see it as that. Learning to let go is part of actual maturity and in that regard you are more mature and sensible than your friends.

I second this. 

Please don't compare yourself to your friends. Figure out your boundaries and stick to them. If you do not want any person in your life, ex or not, don't have them in it. 

[Pleasedonot5]

1 hour ago, Afireblue said:

Hello! I had a random contact from my latest ex...

We "tried" to stay friends on his request, but I couldnt do it because I still had feelings for him. So I would reply to his texts but I never initiated and one day the messages stopped coming for 1 month. Today randomly he sent me a photo of a place we used to visit for dates, it was like "our place".

 

Why do people do this? is it ego? loneliness? is he getting of probably knowing that this will get my attention?. 

Any opinions?

It is difficult to tell. Exes will get back in contact for a variety of reasons. Some reasons include: 

- they are curious about you or your remaining interest in them, so they send a breadcrumb to gauge your interest

- they feel the sting of you moving on, so they send a breadcrumb to keep your interest

- they miss you as a person

- they miss you as a partner

- they feel lonely

- a mix of any of the above

In my experience, it is most often because the ex intuits that you are moving on, and it stings that they no longer have your interest. So, they either try to reassure themselves by reaching out, or try to keep your interest by doing the same. It is difficult to discern for certain, though.

Regardless, it is obvious that your ex's picture made you think of him, though. If you do not want to be reminded of the ex, consider blocking him on that social medium (I prefer doing so with an explanation, like, "I need to block you on here so that I can continue moving on - I do not mean anything bad by it. I am open to talking if you change your mind and want to reconcile, otherwise I plan to stay out of contact."). That way, he will not be able to send other messages like that, but he will not be offended and will know where you stand. 

[boltnrun]

Whenever I contacted an ex it was because I was bored or lonely or wanted attention. On some occasions it was because I wanted sex. Never was it because I wanted to reconcile or because I "still loved" that ex.

I don't do that anymore because not only is using people wrong but it also made me feel worse instead of better.

Unless he has a good reason for the lying that broke you two up (along with a sincere apology) or is asking for another chance there's no reason to accept his contact, particularly since it seems you still have feelings for him.

[Afireblue]

24 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Whenever I contacted an ex it was because I was bored or lonely or wanted attention. On some occasions it was because I wanted sex. Never was it because I wanted to reconcile or because I "still loved" that ex.

I don't do that anymore because not only is using people wrong but it also made me feel worse instead of better.

Unless he has a good reason for the lying that broke you two up (along with a sincere apology) or is asking for another chance there's no reason to accept his contact, particularly since it seems you still have feelings for him.

This is so true. Thank you! I love posting my pains here because you are all so on the money, I do listen to the advise I receive. Many times it echoes my own thoughts that I second guess all the time.

There was no good reason for lying to me, he came clean and was honest, and I appreciated that, but it didnt make me feel better. I still have some feelings for him but I dont feel the need to hear from him or to talk to him anymore. 

Should I just block him or tell him there is no friendship here??

[Rose Mosse]

I would make it simpler: "Please do not contact me again. Good luck with everything." Mute his contact. The messages will come through but you receive no notifications and won't be prompted to respond. Since you have no desire yourself to speak with him this should be sufficient.

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Afireblue said:

Should I just block him or tell him there is no friendship here??

Do you want to reconcile? Whenever an ex contacts you, it's for their reasons. Many reasons, as mentioned above and particularly horny/dry spell looking for hookups.

[Afireblue]

39 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you want to reconcile? Whenever an ex contacts you, it's for their reasons. Many reasons, as mentioned above and particularly horny/dry spell looking for hookups.

I do not want to reconcile, If he had have said good morning, how are you ? I might have responded, but he sent a photo of what used to be "our beach" with no text to follow, and that threw me off. Because in all our previous conversations he was always polite, never insinuated anything ans was never inappropriate. 

[boltnrun]

I didn't block my ex who contacted me a few weeks ago, but I have no feelings for him. I simply gave him a short, cold response and he got the hint. Normally I would just ignore, but I didn't want him to try again. He hasn't.

If seeing his messages sends you into a tailspin of feelings and rumination of what he MEANS or how to respond then yes, I recommend blocking. You can tell him if you want but that just makes it seem like you want him to beg you not to block him. I personally would skip that.

[Rose Mosse]

48 minutes ago, Afireblue said:

I do not want to reconcile, If he had have said good morning, how are you ? I might have responded, but he sent a photo of what used to be "our beach" with no text to follow, and that threw me off. Because in all our previous conversations he was always polite, never insinuated anything ans was never inappropriate. 

It sounds like nostalgia. Ignore.