Broke Up with Bipolar GF....Anyone Have Experience w/Bring in a Relationship with Someone Bipolar?

[girltalkCA]

I've been in a relationship with my gf for about 3 years now. She is Bipolar and recently had an episode about a month ago and back on meds after being off meds for about 2 years. I told her from day 1 that I own an investment property with my ex husband and other investor and that it is purely financial with no emotional ties.  She's never been accepting of that and feels like I am still being controlled by him. She recently went back on medication, after being off meds for about 1.5 year, but is still elevated.

Today, we finally broke up, about 5 weeks after her episode. 

 Things just were never the same since.  She is was fired from her job, just started getting back on meds but drinks a good amount of alcohol now even though she didn't before. She walks up to every stranger she sees and starts random conversations for long periods of time.  Has made some very big purchases, no set routine or desire to get her life back to "normal" anytime soon,  even though she has no job.....etc...etc...The breakup was mutual but I am left feeling very sad, hurt, and confused. I feel like I've been on a wild roller coaster ride. I don't really know what to believe...what words she said were true and what words were not. I feel very shocked and sad but also relived and not surprised. We had a pretty mature break up, but I can tell she is still in a manic state. She said that perhaps we can "see how things go" down the road, and only "if" I get out of my investment.  She has always felt that I was still being controlled by my ex, even though, it was wholly my decision to get into it and for purely financial reasons.  She did say she needs a break and to just get away from everything for awhile. I'm learning my ex gf was very judgmental, critical, and frankly, still in the middle of her illness and probably projecting her own fear/past experiences. I feel shocked, but not. Now, I am sitting here trying to make sense of it all and pick up my own pieces to move foreword with my life. I'm taking this time to learn and heal myself, be single for awhile which is something I haven't really done for more than 2-3 months at a time throughout my life. When she was healthy, we had a wonderful relationship, probably one of the best I've ever had, but experiencing her in her illness was something I couldn't mange, control, or even know where or how I could see US having a relationship when she is in that manic state. Has anyone ever been with someone with a mental illness/bipolar? How did you deal with that person's different states and have you found a way to BE in a healthy relationship? Should I just steer clear of people with mental illness going forward?

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, girltalkCA said:

Should I just steer clear of people with mental illness going forward?

Yes. You seem too fragile to handle all this. So much so that you are in stark denial of your own issues.

 If you like wild crazy rides on rollercoasters and gut wrenching trauma, then continue seeking out severely damaged unstable people.

 Only you can decide what your life and happiness are worth to you and if you want a slot machine for thrills and distractions or a peaceful happy life.

 Only ~ 5% of people in the US have bipolar disorder so why aren't you attracted to the 95% who don't?

 Are you copy/pasting variations of this story everywhere? It keeps changing from "she's in detox" to "she in a psych hospital" to "we just broke up" etc. 

You need to see a physician about your own situation. Whatever therapy/help you are getting seems to fall short.

Or you are having memory issues or you are simply copy/pasting the your story in so many places looking for different answers that you can't keep track. 

This is the 8th  identical thread you've started on this.

You're not the victim here, nor are you the rescuer. You keep droning on and on about your investment.

That's your business, not someone you claim is in rehab, no a psych hospital, no on medication, no not on medication, no unstable, no stable. etc., etc., etc. Make up your mind.

 Don't you have an accountant financial planner who can help you? Why can't you go to a doctor?

 

[LaHermes]

Please OP, why do you continue torturing yourself in this manner?  You say you only broke up today?  I assumed you had broken up quite some days ago.

On your previous thread you got excellent advice, and answers to your questions.  You were advised on ways to become healthy yourself (including address your terror of being alone).  Once you are in a psychologically healthy place yourself then you can BE in a healthy relationship with a healthy person.

7 minutes ago, girltalkCA said:

Should I just steer clear of people with mental illness going forward?

Well, what do YOU think, OP?  Why would you WANT to be with persons who have a mental illness.

Lost said this to you only a few days ago:

"Random chance will not bring those type of people into your life unless you seek them out.

There is something pulling you towards these people.  Figure that out and you can avoid it in the future.

I am curious:  Do you even know what a healthy relationship should look and feel like?  Don't feel bad if you don't, lots of people don't have a good reference to go from."

 

 

 

[boltnrun]

You said you broke up over a week ago.  Did you get back together, then breakup again?

I had also previously asked you what your doctor and therapist recommend.  You haven't responded to my question.

I'll repeat what I said in your last two threads about this same topic; while those of us who respond on this forum are happy to try to provide support, you will have better results if you follow the advice and direction of the trained professionals I presume you are paying good money to consult.

As for asking if you should avoid people with mental health issues...how is it you have had multiple relationships with mentally ill people?  Do you seek them out?  When someone indicates they have a mental health issue do you think you can be the one to "save" them?  Do you think a mentally ill person will be more dependent on you and therefore won't abandon you which then makes you "lovable"?  Or do you think you're so "unlovable" that only a mentally ill person would want to be with you?

I'm glad you made the excellent decision to breakup, but I wonder if you'll end up going back yet again because you just can't stand the thought of being single.  I hope not.

I haven't been in a relationship with someone who has untreated bipolar, but I was in one with a mean, selfish and cruel person who enjoyed seeing me crying and upset.  That relationship is over and I will never go back.  I feel like I'm better than that.

[Seraphim]

You were posting the same stuff even last year. PLEASE STOP TORTURING yourself .  This woman is never going to be what you need and want her to be .  She doesn’t have the capacity and never will.  You are banging your head and knocking yourself out for no reason .  Please get into therapy. 

[MissCanuck]

Another thread?

OP, what is really going on here? 

[Seraphim]

 My experience is having a father who was Bipolar 1.  My childhood was a living hell .  As a child I had no opportunity to leave or gain any help for myself hence I have a host of my own disorders now.  As an adult I chose to be mostly estranged from him for the good of my own mental health and that’s the way he wanted it .  Did I love my father ?Absolutely. Did I wish he didn’t have mental disorders ,absolutely.  But he did ,and that’s reality .  No amount of loving him ,encouraging him ,being with him and helping him ever ever ever ever ever ever worked .  It almost killed my mother ,literally and gave her children mental disorders . 

 

 Everyone is responsible for themselves . She is too. If she doesn’t want to help herself that is her problem.  So even though I loved my dad and wished for a relationship with him and I miss him greatly as it’s almost exactly a year that he passed away I realized there was no helping him .

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're struggling.  OP to answer your specific question my dad had bipolar and depression diagnosed for approximately 65 years of his life.  There are two reasons my parents were married for 62 years and together about 67 years until he died.  One is he complied with therapy/meds and two is my mother made sure he did and is a stable and strong person who was his hero.  I am positive he would have died decades earlier had this not been the case.  I'm happy to be alive, I'm happy my sister is alive and it was very very hard growing up with a parent with a mental illness despite his med/therapy compliance.  So I wouldn't recommend it.  Having said that if the person is med/therapy compliant on his or her own I can see where in certain instances all else equal of course the relationship can work beautifully.

[boltnrun]

@girltalkCA, are you reading our responses?  It seems you are not.  Instead, you just start a new (identical) thread a day or two later.

It is getting a bit frustrating responding to all your threads when you don't even acknowledge the responses.

I presume everyone who responds sincerely is trying to help, but if you're just going to start a new (identical) thread again tomorrow it seems kind of a pointless exercise to respond.

Please let us know if you're reading our responses and if you are finding any of the advice helpful.

[LaHermes]

33 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I had also previously asked you what your doctor and therapist recommend.  You haven't responded to my question.

I'd like to know too, OP. 

 

19 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Please let us know if you're reading our responses and if you are finding any of the advice helpful.

Please at least provide feedback to this group of people who are giving you good advice and giving of their time. 

And might I suggest that you print out the first post (all nearly identical) in your various threads, and put them in front of your therapist, so that s/he is aware of what is going on. And ask him/her those self-same questions you continue to ask us.

You asked us this one year ago:

"How do I become more secure within myself and not be afraid to make hard decisions just because I'm afraid of being alone or not finding the right person?"

Have you ever asked your therapist exactly this question and if so what advice/therapy were you given?

[girltalkCA]

I have been reading all of your responses, but I suppose I am still trying to deal with everything and perhaps there are moments when I still feel confused and want to try and "understand" what happened. It may seem very "cut and dry" to most of you, but being "in it" for 3 years, I have emotions and feelings tied into it.  

I realize the things "I" need to do. I am in regular therapy, working on myself and taking care of myself, working on my "issues". It's still hard and scary and I suppose I found some level of community and support and understanding in this group, your advice has been extremely helpful.

I know I am ruminating, going over and over the relationship/breakup right now, but from people I've talked to , that is normal and understandable right now. I am still healing and processing everything and that can take time. I am trying to be kind and gentle and compassionate with myself, give myself the things I would normally give my significant other. It's not easy for me to sit with my own fears, and face them. But I know that I have made a lot of progress in the last few years and yes, I know I have more to go. 

I trying to take it day by day...moment by moment. I'm just trying to  process and understand, learn and grow from this experience.

[MissCanuck]

29 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I presume everyone who responds sincerely is trying to help, but if you're just going to start a new (identical) thread again tomorrow it seems kind of a pointless exercise to respond.

This. 

Why not just stick to one thread and keep the conversation flowing, OP? It's frustrating when you constantly open new threads all the time. 

 

[boltnrun]

It seems you don't want to answer any of the questions we've asked.  That's fine, you are certainly not required to!

But I ask one favor...please do not continue to start new threads but rather continue using one you already have going.  It's confusing and somewhat frustrating to see multiple new threads started because that makes it appear you thought the advice you received before was poor and unhelpful and that you are disregarding it.

Perhaps a journal where you can allow responses would be a good idea.

[Lambert]

Of course this is painful and you feel a lot of turmoil.  That's what break ups are-- even when there isn't mental illness involved.  

I think you need to stop looking for answers and start looking for peace that her illness ultimately ended the relationship and you have to save yourself. 

You can't have a healthy relationship with an mentally unhealthy partner.  There's no logic to  the illogical.  A person with advanced degrees in psychology etc would not be able to tell you how to do this.  The mind is a very complicated place. 

You can love a person and still know you can't help them and you can't be there for them.  You need to find a way to cope with this is the end.  

Whatever happened or will happen-- it is not because you would not sell your investment property.  

[LaHermes]

12 minutes ago, Lambert said:

You can't have a healthy relationship with an mentally unhealthy partner.  There's no logic to  the illogical.  A person with advanced degrees in psychology etc would not be able to tell you how to do this.  The mind is a very complicated place. 

 

24 minutes ago, girltalkCA said:

I'm just trying to  process and understand,

Listen, OP, there is no understanding the non-understandable.  Don't even try. You'd be like someone blindfold searching in a dark room for a black cat that isn't there. 

Indeed your present state of mind is the fallout from your enmeshment with an unhinged person.  Rationality does not exist within mental illness. You will not learn and grow from the enmeshment, for the simple reason that you cannot take anything out of an empty bag. 

You will learn and grow in tandem with your therapist, and with a lot of hard work on yourself.   Get lots of exercise, outdoors, try something new in the line of a leisure pursuit, eat well, listen to good music, and steer clear of flaky people. 

[girltalkCA]

19 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This. 

Why not just stick to one thread and keep the conversation flowing, OP? It's frustrating when you constantly open new threads all the time. 

 

I understand :(

[girltalkCA]

17 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

It seems you don't want to answer any of the questions we've asked.  That's fine, you are certainly not required to!

But I ask one favor...please do not continue to start new threads but rather continue using one you already have going.  It's confusing and somewhat frustrating to see multiple new threads started because that makes it appear you thought the advice you received before was poor and unhelpful and that you are disregarding it.

Perhaps a journal where you can allow responses would be a good idea.

Yes, I understand and writing in my journal daily.

[girltalkCA]

16 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I think you need to stop looking for answers and start looking for peace that her illness ultimately ended the relationship and you have to save yourself. 

Thank you and I agree!!!! That's what I am in the process of doing, saving myself and trying to move on. And yes, I realize it was never about my investment property. She was very paranoid in the end, about so many things. It was her illness coming through in the very end.

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, girltalkCA said:

Yes, I understand and writing in my journal daily.

I mean a journal on this site.  Instead of starting a new thread every day or every other day, just update your journal on here.  I have one and so do several other users.

[girltalkCA]

6 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Indeed your present state of mind is the fallout from your enmeshment with an unhinged person.  Rationality does not exist within mental illness. 

I completely agree! Again, it's still a process for me as I am naturally someone who try to "understand" and make sense of things. I am trying to keep the focus on myself and moving forward.

[girltalkCA]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

 My experience is having a father who was Bipolar 1.  My childhood was a living hell .  As a child I had no opportunity to leave or gain any help for myself hence I have a host of my own disorders now.  As an adult I chose to be mostly estranged from him for the good of my own mental health and that’s the way he wanted it .  Did I love my father ?Absolutely. Did I wish he didn’t have mental disorders ,absolutely.  But he did ,and that’s reality .  No amount of loving him ,encouraging him ,being with him and helping him ever ever ever ever ever ever worked .  It almost killed my mother ,literally and gave her children mental disorders . 

 

 Everyone is responsible for themselves . She is too. If she doesn’t want to help herself that is her problem.  So even though I loved my dad and wished for a relationship with him and I miss him greatly as it’s almost exactly a year that he passed away I realized there was no helping him .

Thank you so much for sharing your story and I am so sorry you had to go through what you did. Just want to let you know that you have inspired me and given me that much more strength to continue moving forward with my own path :)

[LaHermes]

No harm whatsoever in want to understand the understandable.  I like astronomy, and would love to know more. I enjoy listening to Professor Brian Cox, and gain some understanding of the many amazing things in our universe.

There is no way to understand chaos, and the chaotic mind.

And btw, her illness was always there, not something which came through at the end. 

 

[Seraphim]

I realize you are trying to process. I spent 53 years trying to process and am still doing so in a way. It took me long into my adulthood totally give up hope of any relationship with my dad and I still mourn that . I vacillate between believing he didn’t love me and he did. I will never know the truth. Most likely the truth is exactly as my mother says he loved you as much as he could love even if it was inadequate, but he did. 
 

So, understand inadequate love is NOT enough. And it is hard and agonizing to live with , but we need to pick ourselves up and keep going. ❤️

[Wiseman2]

58 minutes ago, girltalkCA said:

Yes, I understand and writing in my journal daily.

There is a journal section here so you can keep a train of thought rather than copy/paste the whole story over and over.:

 

[Lambert]

1 hour ago, girltalkCA said:

Thank you and I agree!!!! That's what I am in the process of doing, saving myself and trying to move on. And yes, I realize it was never about my investment property. She was very paranoid in the end, about so many things. It was her illness coming through in the very end.

healing is a spiral. sometimes you feel good and realize how far you've come. Then somehow you find yourself back to old thoughts.  Keep telling yourself things that support moving forward and that the relationship was a lost cause.

You will start to feel stronger. that's doesn't mean you won't fall back once in a while.... choose to push forward with yourself 

you can and will get through this.