Broke Up with Bipolar GF....Anyone Have Experience w/Bring in a Relationship with Someone Bipolar?

[LaHermes]

And could I suggest this useful read:

Why Do I Do That?: Psychological Defense Mechanisms and the Hidden Ways They Shape Our Lives 

by Dr. Joseph Burgo PhD 

Some people do the most self-defeating things as mechanisms to ward off emotional pain. 

DF said this to you 3 years ago and it holds good right now.

"Seek out those who are happy and optimistic, because their view will start to rub off on you and give you the energy and the feel good boost to move forward and look at life through a more positive lens."

[girltalkCA]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

There is a journal section here so you can keep a train of thought rather than copy/paste the whole story over and over.:

 

Thank you!

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, girltalkCA said:

I completely agree! Again, it's still a process for me as I am naturally someone who try to "understand" and make sense of things. I am trying to keep the focus on myself and moving forward.

I really am confused why you’d assume anyone sees this as cut and dried. I don’t.  But that’s a far cry from choosing to ruminate and overthink and inject remote possibilities into a situation as you are doing.

 The answer is not to dismiss our input as somehow assuming it’s cut and dried just because some of us see you going down a fruitless rabbit hole and calling it “trying to understand “.

 I don’t think you’re trying to understand. You’re trying to avoid and evade simple truths - what you dismiss as cut and dried - to give yourself an excuse to have a never ending pity party which you call “trying to understand “. Very often it’s really the simplest and most basic answer that’s the real truth.  It’s not “cut and dried “ and injecting self-created complexities and complication into a situation to maintain the status quo of ruminating has nothing to do with healing. 

dressing things up with fancy labels or psychological terms doesn’t make it more complex. You have to accept that even if you’re trying to understand you may never.  And that’s ok. You don’t need that to move on.  You also don’t have to focus on yourself. In fact focus on others.  On nature. On a tree.  A bird.  Someone else’s daily lives - call a friend and don’t talk about yourself. Do some small kindnesses. And accept as others have said that it’s not linear. Some days are awful and others are decent or better than decent. 
good luck!

[Seraphim]

I would recommend not talking to her or “ her people” anymore. It just sucks you back into the drama. 

[catfeeder]

I'm confused about why you're saying that you broke up today, when you said this last week?

I mean, if you're doing a copy/paste from last week, then at least that's better than retyping everything to keep drilling your focus into it.

Have you invested at all in moving your focus onto FORward goals, such as a trip or an investment of time with family or friends to involve yourself with loved ones and divert your attention from the rumination?

Or are you locking into the rumination under some misguided belief that this will 'help' in some way?

Decide whether you want to keep drilling yourself a deeper hole to climb out of, or whether you are willing to break that grip to change your direction and start your ascent.

It's a decision. Nobody else can make that choice for you.

There is a difference between 'simple' and 'easy'. What you regard as cut and dry may seem simplistic, yet often the most beneficial paths are simple even while they are not easy. No need to conflate those two things. Sometimes 'simple' is the best road to travel, yet that doesn't invalidate natural difficulties inherent in ANY path.

The key is to pursue a path that moves FORward rather than one of stagnation. Sometimes practical stuff is best even while the emotional stuff can be revisited later, or periodically rather than constantly.

Stagnation is not the same thing as healing. FORward movement gives you a new lens through which to view the stumpers of your past, and THAT is often how we learn our answers--and heal.

Head high, and I'm with you in spirit.

 

[lostandhurt]

I can see wanting to understand so you can avoid it in the future but you seem to want to "understand" so you can fix this or her or learn to be in a relationship with an un-medicated Bi Polar person.

  She has not been and is not in a good place mentally and you know that and really that is all you need to know.  That is all you need to understand but the big thing is you need to accept that she is not relationship material right now  and certainly not relationship material for you personally ever no matter if she gets back on her meds and into regular therapy. 

Once you accept the  truth staring you right in the face then you can move on and begin to heal and also grow as a person.

  You have chosen to stay in this cycle thinking you can make sense out of dysfunction and mental illness.  This is only punishing yourself as you live in the past.

Some very caring and empathetic people have  taken the time to try their very best to help you and have been extremely patient so how about you return the gesture and answer questions instead of ignoring them because you do not want to face the reality of the situation. 

My question is:  Do you fully accept that you cannot ever be in any type/kind of relationship with her ever again?

Lost

[LaHermes]

13 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Some very caring and empathetic people have  taken the time to try their very best to help you and have been extremely patient so how about you return the gesture and answer questions instead of ignoring them because you do not want to face the reality of the situation. 

My question is:  Do you fully accept that you cannot ever be in any type/kind of relationship with her ever again?

Flagging you up Lost as this is such an important question. 

[girltalkCA]

On 8/14/2021 at 5:55 PM, catfeeder said:

I'm confused about why you're saying that you broke up today, when you said this last week?

I mean, if you're doing a copy/paste from last week, then at least that's better than retyping everything to keep drilling your focus into it.

Have you invested at all in moving your focus onto FORward goals, such as a trip or an investment of time with family or friends to involve yourself with loved ones and divert your attention from the rumination?

Or are you locking into the rumination under some misguided belief that this will 'help' in some way?

Decide whether you want to keep drilling yourself a deeper hole to climb out of, or whether you are willing to break that grip to change your direction and start your ascent.

It's a decision. Nobody else can make that choice for you.

There is a difference between 'simple' and 'easy'. What you regard as cut and dry may seem simplistic, yet often the most beneficial paths are simple even while they are not easy. No need to conflate those two things. Sometimes 'simple' is the best road to travel, yet that doesn't invalidate natural difficulties inherent in ANY path.

The key is to pursue a path that moves FORward rather than one of stagnation. Sometimes practical stuff is best even while the emotional stuff can be revisited later, or periodically rather than constantly.

Stagnation is not the same thing as healing. FORward movement gives you a new lens through which to view the stumpers of your past, and THAT is often how we learn our answers--and heal.

Head high, and I'm with you in spirit.

 

Thank you Catfeeder. I am moving forward each day. I will not allow myself to go be miserable or caught up in the past. Your insight has always helped me so thank you for that. 

[girltalkCA]

On 8/14/2021 at 6:13 PM, lostandhurt said:

I can see wanting to understand so you can avoid it in the future but you seem to want to "understand" so you can fix this or her or learn to be in a relationship with an un-medicated Bi Polar person.

  She has not been and is not in a good place mentally and you know that and really that is all you need to know.  That is all you need to understand but the big thing is you need to accept that she is not relationship material right now  and certainly not relationship material for you personally ever no matter if she gets back on her meds and into regular therapy. 

Once you accept the  truth staring you right in the face then you can move on and begin to heal and also grow as a person.

  You have chosen to stay in this cycle thinking you can make sense out of dysfunction and mental illness.  This is only punishing yourself as you live in the past.

Some very caring and empathetic people have  taken the time to try their very best to help you and have been extremely patient so how about you return the gesture and answer questions instead of ignoring them because you do not want to face the reality of the situation. 

My question is:  Do you fully accept that you cannot ever be in any type/kind of relationship with her ever again?

Lost

Honestly, right now, it is difficult for me to accept the concept of "never" having any type of relationship (even friendship) with her ever again. I believe I've come to accept that we will never be in a relationship, but it's harder for me to close the door on friendship.

[LaHermes]

9 minutes ago, girltalkCA said:

it's harder for me to close the door on friendship.

OP.  You will have to, for your own sake.   You cannot be "friends" with this person.  If you are to pull yourself out of the toxicity and forge a better life for yourself, you will need to make a very big effort. And I am not denying that it will be very hard, a lot of hard work.  Maybe the hardest part is looking inside yourself. 

Onwards and upwards OP. 

Btw Bolt suggested to you starting a journal here on ENA (look up the Journals Section).  I truly feel it might prove very helpful to you. 

[girltalkCA]

1 minute ago, LaHermes said:

OP.  You will have to, for your own sake.   You cannot be "friends" with this person.  If you are to pull yourself out of the toxicity and forge a better life for yourself, you will need to make a very big effort. And I am not denying that it will be very hard, a lot of hard work.  Maybe the hardest part is looking inside yourself. 

Onwards and upwards OP. 

Thank you. That is exactly what I am doing right now, looking inside myself, getting to know me and taking care of myself instead of jumping into another relationship too soon, which would probably just repeat a similar toxic cycle anyhow. 

[Batya33]

My suggestion.  Don’t look inside or try to “get to know me” whatever that really means. Instead look outside. Observe your environment.  Notice what you like and dislike and what resonates. And mostly make sure you do at least one small kindness a day. I did mine about an hour ago. Felt good !  Don’t contemplate your navel.  There’s a vast difference between dating or pursuing a romance and interacting with people - friends , acquaintances, strangers.  Getting all in your head and self absorbed so often sabotages self awareness and insights and can be pretty boring - which then may trigger a temptation for the “thrill “ of  again pursuing someone unavailable.  Just a thought. 

[catfeeder]

50 minutes ago, girltalkCA said:

Thank you Catfeeder. I am moving forward each day. I will not allow myself to go be miserable or caught up in the past. Your insight has always helped me so thank you for that. 

Wonderful! Remind yourself that you are not 'losing' anything by loosening your grasp on the grief.

You are, instead, allowing 'background processing' to do its job by shifting your focus onto your present and future. By pursuing new experiences and giving others your gift of attention, you are actually BUILDING a fresher and higher perspective that will CHANGE the limits of your current understanding.

This will provide you with answers that you cannot 'see' while you remain embedded in The Problem.

Once you move beyond that place, you will learn why you could not have seen things this clearly.

Step 'out' of the problem in order to gain insights that cannot be gained otherwise, and you will thank yourself.

Head high!