Boyfriend lied about how much he talks to his female friend

[Liz]

They studied together on a previous course a few years ago, when I asked him when they last spoke he told me a few months ago. But then recently he mentioned oh she’s having her graduation party here and there. Also mentioned how she asked about our relationship and how he didn’t like the manner in which she was asking. She’s in the process of getting married herself, he also made a point how her partner never liked him at uni (sort of like gloating that’s he’s intimidated by him). He tells me now they don’t speak and the last they spoke was a few months ago. 

ive realised he lied about when they last spoke because obviously they have done so because of the recent conversations i.e. graduation, asking about our relationship . I’m feeling sort of insecure about the obscurity of things and how he lied. Although I’m not worried about cheating, I’m feeling insecure about the fact he lied as to how often they speak. And why feel the need to not speak at all now? Like what was okay before that isn’t okay now? If anything this makes me more insecure about the relationship. 

please advise me as to whether this is worth asking him about especially since I just realised he was lying. We did have a convo about it before but this was before I realised he had lied about their last contact. Should I mention that he lied to me? 
 

thank you 

[smackie9]

The conversation they had wasn't worth mentioning. And btw...you found out about this how? You that insecure? maybe he was avoiding the drama from you and having to ask a million questions about a conversation had not much in it to consider being worrisome.

[DancingFool]

Asking a liar if he lied is pointless and an exercise in futility.

The real question you need to be asking yourself is, "do you want to date and invest your time and life into a liar?" Do you? Does that seem like a worthwhile thing to do?

It's the olde when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

[Liz]

9 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

The conversation they had wasn't worth mentioning. And btw...you found out about this how? You that insecure? maybe he was avoiding the drama from you and having to ask a million questions about a conversation had not much in it to consider being worrisome.

He told me about those conversations but also told me they spoke last a few months ago. I realised he lied and now I’m wondering if I should call him up on it. I think it’s natural to feel insecure especially when there’s inconsistency and obscurity. 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, SuperSi said:

She’s in the process of getting married herself. I’m feeling insecure about the fact he lied as to how often they speak.

Agree. he seems to talk about her too much.

Is this the same man?:

 

[Liz]

5 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Asking a liar if he lied is pointless and an exercise in futility.

The real question you need to be asking yourself is, "do you want to date and invest your time and life into a liar?" Do you? Does that seem like a worthwhile thing to do?

It's the olde when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

I don’t know him to be a liar. But I feel like if it’s the other way around he wouldn’t like it. It’s disrespectful, I don’t mind him talking to other female friends, I just don’t like lying about it 

[smackie9]

oh no not one of those threads....left out some pretty important stuff here.

[smackie9]

3 minutes ago, SuperSi said:

I don’t know him to be a liar. But I feel like if it’s the other way around he wouldn’t like it. It’s disrespectful, I don’t mind him talking to other female friends, I just don’t like lying about it 

Why does he have to tell you who he talks to? What does it matter? You monitor his convos?

[DancingFool]

7 minutes ago, SuperSi said:

I don’t know him to be a liar. But I feel like if it’s the other way around he wouldn’t like it. It’s disrespectful, I don’t mind him talking to other female friends, I just don’t like lying about it 

Well....which is it? He is not a liar or you know you are being lied to and don't like it?

I know that when you have your feelings involved, it's hard to step away and leave, but leave you must. Never ever tolerate a liar and yes, he lied and you know it. Don't try to sweep that under the proverbial carpet. 

Leaving a liar hurts, but staying with one will hurt a million times worse. Your life and time are limited on this planet. Do not waste it on people you cannot trust or even people who do not make you happy. It's that simple.

[boltnrun]

So this is the guy who goes to clubs with his female friends and never invites you to go along?

Yeah, he hasn't respected you or the relationship for a long while. I would opt out of this one.

[limichelle]

My sense is if someone lies to you they are covering something up. It could be tiny or problematic. The only way to know is to ask. But you could also be over questioning the friendship making him feel insecure and that’s why he is lying, because he doesn’t want to upset you. 
 

 

[limichelle]

Okay I just read he goes to clubs with other girls. Why do you stay?
 

 

[Liz]

6 minutes ago, limichelle said:

Okay I just read he goes to clubs with other girls. Why do you stay?
 

 

He doesn’t go. I had a previous post about him hanging with lots of female course mates. I discussed this with him and said I was okay with it as long as it was transparent and they knew about me.

[Liz]

8 minutes ago, limichelle said:

My sense is if someone lies to you they are covering something up. It could be tiny or problematic. The only way to know is to ask. But you could also be over questioning the friendship making him feel insecure and that’s why he is lying, because he doesn’t want to upset you. 
 

 

This seems the most accurate assessment of the situation. I suspect he might have a crush on this person but I’m inclined to think that’s natural sometimes as long as you keep to your limits? He definitely doesn’t want to upset me but when I realised he spoke more after he said since they ‘last spoke’ I couldn’t help to become paranoid. Should I say, listen you said you spoke last to this person at a certain time but it was clear you hadn’t, I don’t suspect anything and I trust you but please don’t feel you have to lie to me, it makes me feel there’s something else there even when there isn’t. I’m sure you wouldn’t appreciate if I was lying about interactions I had with a male friend 

[boltnrun]

15 minutes ago, SuperSi said:

He doesn’t go. I had a previous post about him hanging with lots of female course mates. I discussed this with him and said I was okay with it as long as it was transparent and they knew about me.

So the only thing you're now upset about is you think he lied about ONE time? Otherwise you're fine with him going out with other women and not inviting you to go along?

[Pleasedonot5]

Hey, OP. Sorry you are dealing with this. 

A few questions:

• When did he claim the last time he spoke to her was a few months back?
• When did he tell you that she mentioned graduation and asked about your relationship?

[Liz]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. he seems to talk about her too much.

Is this the same man?:

 

Same guy but this is a different friend he knows from elsewhere. They don’t meet in person, it’s someone he’s known from many years ago. 

[Liz]

Just now, boltnrun said:

So the only thing you're now upset about is you think he lied about ONE time? Otherwise you're fine with him going out with other women and not inviting you to go along?

Yeah they’re his course mates and I’m okay with him going to see them in a group. I’m not okay that he feels the need to lie to me about interactions with a female and then say they spoke last a few months ago when they obviously didn’t and now claim they don’t speak at all now. It’s unnecessary and I’m sure it’s not a big deal but I can’t pretend lying even when it’s not a big deal doesn't upset me. I wouldn’t lie about a male friend because I know it can tap into insecurities. 

[melancholy123]

I believe anytime something is bothering you, you need to talk about it!

[Liz]

9 minutes ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

Hey, OP. Sorry you are dealing with this. 

A few questions:

• When did he claim the last time he spoke to her was a few months back?
• When did he tell you that she asked about graduation and your relationship?

He said they last spoke in October 

when we were driving together about a month ago he said he’s having his graduation online but his FRIEND is having hers in person. So then I asked who and he told me. A few weeks after that he mentioned they spoke and she asked him about who he’s seeing etc cause she’s in the process of getting married. And he told me he didn’t really tell her properly because he doesn’t really feel close enough to her to share or talk about our relationship.  So she then went and said you shouldn’t hide her etc and he was like I hated that she said that because she thinks I’m hiding it but in fact i don’t feel the need to share my private life with her because we aren’t that close. 

we had a bit of a tiff and she came up and then he said he last spoke to her October but when he clearly spoke to her in between this period. And he said he doesn’t intend to speak to her anymore. 

I’m just wondering if it’s worthwhile asking him why he clearly lied about speaking in October. Because although it’s not big, Its making me feel strange. 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

Girl, he even hid you from this female friend too?

Why do you stay? I know he has other qualities, but you can't be with a man who isn't proud to show you off and make you a part of his social life-including the hanging out at the bars with other females part.

You are NOT his third wheel or some spare option. Give yourself some worth, put your feelings on the side, and see him for what he is. What he's doing, I wouldn't accept personally. And you can see that others agree.

Your question is the tip of this relationship's iceberg and is coming from your gut feelings. Learn to trust them and yourself/your judgement. It's not only about the lies here.

Btw, I suggest you listen to Lizzo's songs.

[Pleasedonot5]

Thank you for your reply.

The way you describe the situation, that would be such an obvious lie that I don't think anyone is daft enough to lie in that situation. Perhaps it was implied the last time he spoke to her [prior to the time he just told you about] was October. Or, maybe "he last spoke" does not include the time they last sent messages to one another. 

Maybe the simple explanation is that it was just a miscommunication. Or - maybe I'm missing something and I need more details.

If it still bothers you, just ask him about it.

[catfeeder]

Some people make an honest distinction between speaking versus texting.

So I might have recent info about someone I haven't spoken with in months but text on occasion.

I'd get clarity about that before you decide that someone is lying.

[smackie9]

If someone lies to you why are you still with him? The next step is to omit him from your life.

[Jibralta]

On 7/13/2021 at 3:20 PM, SuperSi said:

ive realised he lied about when they last spoke because obviously they have done so because of the recent conversations i.e. graduation, asking about our relationship .

I can't understand what happened. He talked to her recently about graduation, and then told you he hadn't talked to her for months?