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Got dumped after 10 months, feeling guilty, not so clear on the reasons


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Agree with above post.  It will take you several months to get over him, depending on how deep your feelings were.  I'm one of those people who take a long time to recover after a breakup, so I get it.  It is easy to reflect on what we did wrong and beat ourselves up.  I wrote the book on that.  Please try not to do that.  Maybe even talk to a therapist to help you through this time.  Thats the only thing I can add to the stellar advice you've received here.  

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2 hours ago, LaHermes said:

Never ever go down that road, OP. Not with this one, and not with anyone.  It is not your task to make a person feel important. 

Keep this thought before you:

"he probably did give me an honest answer about never really developing strong feelings. So it wouldn't have been smart to prioritize someone so unsure about me over other important things in my life."

This is an interesting line of thinking that clashes something else that I come across very often. Isn't it also true that relationships are built by putting in effort and attending to your partner's needs and have your partner attend to your needs? What you say makes sense in a way, and it also makes me feel better right now but it clashes with the view above. 

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46 minutes ago, Atlguy said:

Maybe even talk to a therapist to help you through this time.  Thats the only thing I can add to the stellar advice you've received here.  

Yep, started seeing a therapist recently. Thanks for the advice.

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1 hour ago, Andrina said:

which will bring him front and center in your mind, when he chose to no longer be in your life.

I thought going no contact would make me forget about him more easily. To be fair, it's been 2.5 weeks so it's still pretty fresh but I find myself thinking about him, our relationship, and the break up all the time except when I go to sleep. I guess I was thinking about our relationship before, too, but it wasn't this intrusive and distracting. I'd like to be able to focus on something else properly, but the only time I get to do that is when I'm with other people. He is still in my mind but I can put him at the side a bit.
Is there anything else I can do other than no contact that might help with this process?

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What you can do is accept that grieving the end of a relationship is normal. So allow yourself to feel bad for a bit and then go do something else - hang out with your friends, study, pursue a hobby or something that interests you, get a massage. Basically stay busy and let time do its thing.

As for your relationship, the part that you are kind of ignoring is that you were always more into him than he ever was into you. What the relationship lacked is reciprocation and genuine mutual connection. Per your own words, you were never quite comfortable to fully express yourself and how you feel. When you told you him "I love you", he kind of ignored you and that was your huge sign that he was not on the same page.

This is simply one of those situations where on paper you two should have been a good match, but that "it" factor was lacking for him. He gave things a good shot, but then was honest with you and ended things rather than drag them out longer and waste your time or his. The connection just wasn't there and if you are really honest....you felt it too.

When you are studying and doing research, try harder/work harder is a good solution to problems. However, it doesn't work like that in relationships, OP. Relationships take two people wanting for things to work and reciprocating and working evenly. No one person can hold a relationship together if the other person has checked out. He checked out and he was never quite all in and he did give you some warnings on that.

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13 hours ago, magnolia9 said:

This is an interesting line of thinking

This is the healthy line of thinking, OP. 

Healthy relationships are built by people who are in a healthy place emotionally and mentally. A healthy relationship isn't about making the "other" feel this that or the other. It is an interaction, not a catering to needs.  

Do ask your therapist to define a healthy relationship for you. 

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Not sure if I did something against the terms of use on this forum but my original account was banned a bit after my last post. Just wanted to come here and say 

17 hours ago, DancingFool said:

As for your relationship, the part that you are kind of ignoring is that you were always more into him than he ever was into you. What the relationship lacked is reciprocation and genuine mutual connection. Per your own words, you were never quite comfortable to fully express yourself and how you feel. When you told you him "I love you", he kind of ignored you and that was your huge sign that he was not on the same page.

This is simply one of those situations where on paper you two should have been a good match, but that "it" factor was lacking for him. He gave things a good shot, but then was honest with you and ended things rather than drag them out longer and waste your time or his. The connection just wasn't there and if you are really honest....you felt it too.

I think this is fair. I will try to keep this in mind. When my thoughts spiral out of control and I discuss them here, the responses ground me down and I feel better. Thank you for pointing this out so rationally.

 

4 hours ago, LaHermes said:

Do ask your therapist to define a healthy relationship for you. 

Yes, this might be something I should discuss with my therapist.

 

Thanks again for your responses!

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25 minutes ago, magnolia7 said:

Not sure if I did something against the terms of use on this forum but my original account was banned a bit after my last post.

Same happened to me... once I suggested a book and the moderator called me weird in a private email and accused me of trying to promote a book.  Another time I shared a dream I had and the moderator accused me of "trolling"..

Not very cool I must say...Now I'll get banned again :D

Edited by mical
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The weird part is that I couldn't see any messages before I was banned because the next time I tried to sign it, it just said I was banned and could not access the website. So I couldn't sign in and have no idea if they reached me out to warn me about something 😄

I could see if they thought my venting was trolling or something, but I was really venting 🤷‍♀️

Edited by magnolia7
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On 7/15/2021 at 12:22 PM, magnolia9 said:

I find it difficult to believe that you have experienced breakup and never went through grief questioning what went wrong and what you could have done better. Isn't it a natural part of processing an experience?

Of course I have and I know that doing that is wasted energy and it doesnt improve your situation. I have done it and done what you have done and you can sit there and break down your relationship but will it change anything? Will it improve your situation? No, its not going to do anything positive but make you more angry or sad or hurt or whatever feelings you wish to prolong. 

I say just accept and move on and saying it is one thing, doing it is another. Break ups are a mind set because its a part of history we can not control. The break up is done, the relationship that you were in with this individual is over and the sooner you stand up, dust yourself off, shrug your shoulders and say time to move on, the better. 

Break ups suck. If they were easy there wouldnt be millions of songs, poems, movies, plays, books or websites dedicated to them. But they are not easy and getting over them takes strength. You have to be stronger than the moment and in a break up there are going to be a lot of moments. And trying to simplify the break up helps. So this is why I say quit trying to break down what happened. Not all relationships you are in are meant to end in a marriage that lasts forever. You will probably have to date other people to find that right one. This guy wasnt the one for you and its that simple. At this point in your life the reason why you two are not together does not matter. The Whys and the hows dont matter anymore. It didnt work out. Will it work out in the next relationship? Who knows, but you cant begin the next one while you are still on the last one. 

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On 7/15/2021 at 5:40 PM, magnolia9 said:

Isn't it also true that relationships are built by putting in effort and attending to your partner's needs and have your partner attend to your needs? 

When your partner is in a time of need, yes. For example, if they are sick, or injured, or overwhelmed with something.

But as adults, they should be taking care of their own needs. You are only there to support them. 

Your boyfriend had the ability to speak up and try to address the problem, if he was not happy. That would have given you the opportunity to do something about it.

He chose not to give you that opportunity.

Edited by Jibralta
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I keep going through the different events in our relationship at random times during the day. I think my mind is processing them to get to some level of understanding that feels comfortable. But there are certain parts that I can't come to an understanding with because they are either very blurry in my mind or I'm speculating because I don't know what it was like for him.

Would it be unreasonable to ask to chat with him about these? I really think it will help me get some closure and I'm in a less emotional and more rational place now after almost a month in. And I don't think I could ask about them later because he might start dating someone else and that would be a much less appropriate time.

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I guess for starters, I am very curious about what he thought we were incompatible about. The day we broke up, he told me it wasn't something we could easily address or fix and it was incompatibility. When I asked about whether he was happy with our relationship before, he said he liked me a lot and thought we were very compatible. I am not sure what changed his opinion.

I'm aware of some of the mistakes I made in the relationship (I think I have some things left unsaid about them but not sure if I would bring those up anymore) and if I see that we were actually incompatible (I don't currently see it), maybe I could stop feeling so bad about my mistakes, too. It's also good to know if there were things that I could do to improve as a partner moving forward, apart from said mistakes that might not be obvious to me 

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10 minutes ago, magnolia7 said:

It's also good to know if there were things that I could do to improve as a partner moving forward, apart from said mistakes that might not be obvious to me 

This is also a tricky question, because it largely depends on the individual. 

So what didn't work for him in the relationship might be perfectly fine for another man. It's generally too subjective to take one person's opinion as speaking for men at large. Everyone has such different preferences. Things he might suggest improving are naturally going to be based on his wants and desires. So unless you were trying to reconcile with him, you might not gain any useful insight there. 

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Just now, MissCanuck said:

The thing is, you will have no way of knowing if he's being completely honest in his answers to you.

I guess this is true. I would actually expect him to say "no" and not chat about it at all. But if he is in a neutral state about me now, maybe he would be okay about it and would not have a reason to lie (other than harsh criticisms, which he might not be willing to say to my face and I'm good with that).

So you think it's a bad idea because it might be useless?

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On 7/15/2021 at 10:54 PM, magnolia9 said:

Is there anything else I can do other than no contact that might help with this process?

No contact.  Keep very busy.  I do not think it is a good idea to go back down the road of asking him questions.  Leave the past where it is and forge ahead. 

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2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

So what didn't work for him in the relationship might be perfectly fine for another man. It's generally too subjective to take one person's opinion as speaking for men at large. Everyone has such different preferences. Things he might suggest improving are naturally going to be based on his wants and desires. So unless you were trying to reconcile with him, you might not gain any useful insight there. 

I don't think the possibility of reconciling with him exists. Initially I was full of hope for a future reconciliation, but as I got less emotional and more rational about the break up, I realized he made the decision to break up because he didn't want to be together and that probably won't change because he made the decision for a reason. So, yeah, I'm not trying to reconcile with him and I do get the relative nature of the question. But sometimes my friends will point out "X person doing this made me feel like blah blah" and I think that's useful information and I would want to know effects of my actions on others that I am not aware of.

Maybe I'm trying to find something to take away with me from this break up, like some sort of growth. I'm not sure.

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4 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

No contact.  Keep very busy.  I do not think it is a good idea to go back down the road of asking him questions.  Leave the past where it is and forge ahead.

Is the "no contact rule" in place for my sake or for his sake? As in, the person who broke up probably doesn't want to interact so it's disrespectful to reach out to them? Or is the concern talking to him might be detrimental for closure rather than helpful?

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36 minutes ago, magnolia7 said:

I really think it will help me get some closure and I'm in a less emotional and more rational place now after almost a month in. And I don't think I could ask about them later because he might start dating someone else

Unfortunately, "closure" talks are invariably an attempt to reconcile, thinly veiled as a relationship postmortem.

It's important to note that his gripes are unique to him so have zero value for your future.

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Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately, "closure" talks are invariably an attempt to reconcile, thinly veiled as a relationship postmortem.

I don't think this is true. I get that I might not be able to get any valuable information, so I definitely see your last sentence but I really don't see the possibility of reconciling anymore. I really would like to get to a place where I feel like "OK, this break up makes sense to me and I don't have much to beat myself up over"

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It is there for YOUR sake.  Nothing to do with disrespect.  Trying to re-contact, hold conversations and ask questions does nothing except set back your healing. 

Try not to ruminate on what you (perceived) did or didn't do.  It makes no difference now.  You will grow as you take action not to give him any more space inside your head. Better times ahead.

You may never make "sense" of what happened.  Not everything in this old world makes sense.   You can drive yourself crazy trying to make sense of what could well be senseless.

 

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32 minutes ago, magnolia7 said:

Would it be unreasonable to ask to chat with him about these? I really think it will help me get some closure and I'm in a less emotional and more rational place now after almost a month in.

You are looking for closure so its reasonable to think that. But its unreasonable to think you will get those answers. He said what he said. Looking for explenations, even after a month, its a futile job.

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1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

You are looking for closure so its reasonable to think that. But its unreasonable to think you will get those answers. He said what he said. Looking for explenations, even after a month, its a futile job.

I see. So it sounds like the dominating opinion is that even if we did chat, I probably won't get anything honest or useful.

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