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magnolia9

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  1. I thought going no contact would make me forget about him more easily. To be fair, it's been 2.5 weeks so it's still pretty fresh but I find myself thinking about him, our relationship, and the break up all the time except when I go to sleep. I guess I was thinking about our relationship before, too, but it wasn't this intrusive and distracting. I'd like to be able to focus on something else properly, but the only time I get to do that is when I'm with other people. He is still in my mind but I can put him at the side a bit. Is there anything else I can do other than no contact that might help with this process?
  2. Yep, started seeing a therapist recently. Thanks for the advice.
  3. This is an interesting line of thinking that clashes something else that I come across very often. Isn't it also true that relationships are built by putting in effort and attending to your partner's needs and have your partner attend to your needs? What you say makes sense in a way, and it also makes me feel better right now but it clashes with the view above.
  4. I find it difficult to believe that you have experienced breakup and never went through grief questioning what went wrong and what you could have done better. Isn't it a natural part of processing an experience?
  5. I think you might be right and I really want to believe that because then I can think "there is nothing else I could have done, this just wasn't meant to be". But for some reason, a part of me keeps thinking he wouldn't have wanted to push the relationship forward (he was the first to ask me to be exclusive, first to ask to be in a relationship, first to want to meet friends etc) if he didn't really believe in us. Then, around the time I got super busy (and it lasted about 2 months, so it wasnt a short period of time), he started questioning it. I don't think love is something that just happens or doesnt happen, I think whether love develops depends on effort and how we treat each other. So that belief causes me to think I didnt treat him very well at the time, and later when we were a little rocky when I thought he was being cold (apparently he really was), I didnt put in enough effort for a relationship I desired. I am going through ups and downs in my mood and I might be in a particularly guilty mood right now. But half the day since we cut contact I really feel this way. I think feeling guilty really hinders my healing. I considered writing him an apology note but thought it would come across pathetic so I decided not to (I think that was the right decision). I'm also considering reading our messages again to see if I remember things correctly. Maybe I was actually really nice about it and even tried to upkeep most of our dates during that time. Or maybe it was even worse than I think. I am not confident I remember it correctly. I've been waiting to feel a little better before I read over our texts again.
  6. I actually thought around January/February he seemed really into the relationship and that's when we had the talk about introducing each other to friends as official boyfriend/girlfriend and I met his friends through an online boardgaming call. I think his interest was very lukewarm in the beginning and so was mine because we didn't know each other. Then it started to peak and so did mine. The issue is mine continued going up and his went down. I would LOVE to believe that there was nothing I could do about it, but I find it difficult to believe sometimes. The way my attraction went up was through our interactions and his effort. And his attraction started going down around the time I focused on work and had to put him secondary in my life. I wasn't making much effort for our relationship at the time and in a new relationship, it might have been a big deal. I did explain my situation, but even though that might make sense to him, it might have still hindered our relationship progress and growth, no? I really want to stop feeling guilty but I can't get this thought off of my head that I had someone I admired (I thought his character was 10/10) and was very attracted to and I messed it up by not taking care of his needs and making him feel important. He is 27 and I'll also turn 27 soon. He is a software engineer working 9am-5pm and doesnt like to work outside work hours. So I do think I had a little more workload even though he has a full time job. I also think he didn't have too many friends to hang out with. From the times I met his friends and our talks, it looks like he mostly hangs out with three people, one from high school who lives close to him, one from elementary school who lives about an hour away and has a busy work schedule so they don't meet up often, and one from college who lives 2 hours away so they don't hang out much either. I also didn't have many friends, honestly. But when the pandemic started and before I met him, I started feeling lonely and reconnected with old friends. We scheduled weekly hangouts so some of my weekdays were scheduled ahead of time to hang out with friends. I did cancel them a few times to hang out with him but I think I might have kept myself busier outside of our relationship than he did. So he might have needed to spend more time together than I did to be happy. It's just a guess, though.
  7. It feels very relieving to hear this! But I've rescheduled dates before and after this. Usually it is pushing it to one hour later or so but a few times it was pushing things to the next day entirely. So, looking back, I could understand how this might have been a big issue for him. He never really said this was a big issue except for that time and always seemed flexible so perhaps I took it granted 😕 And I still feel so crappy and blame myself perhaps even more now for continuing to reschedule stuff when I knew he wasn't really happy with it. I thought no contact was supposed to help me feel better, but I'm actually feeling worse. I don't want to contact him because I'm still full of emotions and I bet he isn't and seeing that would hurt me more. But seeing someone I loved so dearly become a complete stranger is so hurtful. I think hope might actually be interfering with my healing. I realized that for the past few days I've been thinking of potentially reconciling one day. When I look at things more rationally, I see that's probably never going to happen and I need to let it go the way he let me go. But that realization hurts even more. It's been a long time since I experienced being dumped. Turns out it was really difficult. I'm almost 27 now and lots of friends around me are getting engaged/married/buying houses. It feels a little difficult to just say "let me finish up my PhD first and then I'll find a partner". I'd much rather be able to do both at the same time and not put my life on hold but not sure if that's going to work out...
  8. Sometimes I feel this way, too, and feel a little angry with him. Then I think "well, it sounds like he had good intentions, wasn't trying to lead me on, just hoped to develop feelings or wasn't sure how to breach the conversation" and I let go of the anger and even feel positively about him wanting to really give this a try and wanting to be honest. But honestly, feeling angry somehow helps a little. This feels great to hear! Thank you 🙂 I guess since I feel like this relationship was an important part of my life, I feel like I should have demonstrated that I indeed took it seriously and that my partner was valued. But I think Blue68 is right, he probably did give me an honest answer about never really developing strong feelings. So it wouldn't have been smart to prioritize someone so unsure about me over other important things in my life. Thank you for the replies, I think reading them helps me think more rationally.
  9. Thank you so much! Hearing this actually makes me feel less guilty. Looks like Batya33, Blue68, and Lambert also agree on this. We talked about this at the end of the relationship, so during the breakup conversation / when I asked for some explanation. Sorry that wasn't clear at all in my post. I do think being unsure in the beginning, especially while online dating, is probably normal. At least I wasn't sure in the beginning either, but mine lasted only 3 months and I didn't want to call it a relationship until I was sure. This breakup was a little unexpected to me because apart from small issues, we didn't have any big problems that we talked about and he did say he was happy with us when I asked a week prior. I also assumed he was sure he liked me since we've been in a relationship. Maybe my expectations from a "official relationship" is different than his. 🤷‍♀️ About the whole description being cold -- there was something a little cold about the whole thing, to be honest, so maybe I reflected that in my description or you picked up on it from between the lines. At times, I thought he was super respectful and nice and loved it, at other times, I felt like it prevented me from feeling fully comfortable and "emotionally secure" with him (in terms of feeling safe to voice all my feelings). To be fair, I think he seemed understanding at the time when he said he understands I'm busy and it's okay to reschedule. He accommodated my schedule at the time, which I really appreciated. But towards the end of this period was when he said he wanted to see me more often, didn't feel like he saw me enough, and when we were breaking up he said rescheduling twice was upsetting for him. So maybe he felt that he needed to act understanding but he didn't really understand/tolerate it. It's reassuring to hear you think it was reasonable for me to expect some tolerance/understanding around that time. I think you are right that I am looking for something that can be fixed. I am not sure why I'm looking for it. Maybe I don't like hearing that he just didn't like me that much. Or maybe part of me wants to fix it and get back together because I really thought he "checked all my boxes" and had an impressive personality I grew to love. But I know that is not possible and is definitely not a good idea for either of us, anyway. Maybe I am still in the denial zone because I think him being unsure about the breakup also gave me hope about some future reconciliation (he told me he has been going back and forth about it, that he could really regret this etc.) But when I think about it, that is highly unlikely and not something I will want once I move on from the hurt. Breakups also start to get a little bit harder as I get older.
  10. Thank you so much for reading and replying to my very long post. Also thanks for reassuring me that it's not unreasonable for me to expect him to be tolerant of my busy period during my paper/thesis/qualifying exam time. I think the major thing that prevents me from feeling better is the guilt I feel about not making enough time for him during some parts of our relationship and thinking if I had done X or had not done Y, things could have been different. Talking through these with someone really helps!
  11. A couple months ago is when he started giving off those cold vibes. I look back to then, and it was a very busy and difficult part of my Ph.D. and we didn't see each other as often. I had two very large deadlines that I had no control over: one regarding the publication of my old research project that kept being dragged on for two years, where the journal got back to us after reviewing it and wanted us to make some *major* revisions with new experiments to run, giving us a 1.5 month deadline. If we missed this deadline, we would have to resubmit to a new journal all over again (this was already the second), I would likely be scolded by my professor, but worse is this project would be dragged even longer. The other unfortunate deadline involved my Ph.D. qualifying exam, just 1.5 weeks after the journal deadline, where I would need to write up and defend my thesis proposal, involving the projects I completed and the projects I wish to complete with all the technical details, and the professors in my committee could ask whatever they'd like regarding my field for me to answer in a 3 hour oral examination. I was swamped. I couldn't juggle things very well, started feeling super overwhelmed, and was late to all my internal deadlines. During this time, we couldn't hang out during the week (some nights I would sleep only a couple hours to get things in order) and I had to skip one of our weekend dates and then cut another one short after rescheduling twice. I know it was very frustrating for him and I feel extremely terrible about it. But I really didn't know how to juggle things and I explained it to him. Apparently this is when he started to question our relationship. I feel so terrible for putting my work ahead of him and not making him feel like a priority. During this time, he told me that he wanted to see me more often and felt lonely (something sunk in my heart when he said that). I apparently also really broke his heart by rescheduling or canceling dates since these made him feel unimportant (he wasn't!) After the deadlines were over, I offered to go to a cabin to spend a few days together but he seemed "meh" about the idea, and would be hesitant about the options I lay out so that never happened. We started hanging out regularly on the weekends and have some weekday dates as well, a few of them involving his friends. But he was pretty cold during these times. I asked him if my "flakiness" during this period or not spending enough time affected his feelings. He said "no, or at least, it's hard to tell" but I have difficult time believing it. His breakup also happens to coincide with my move to a new house. My previous living situation was not great. I lived in an old building with very thin walls. My roommate's room was right next to mine and I heard every single thing she would talk to her boyfriend about and every noise they made during sex. This made me uncomfortable (which is also why I preferred to hang out at his place, which is ~2.5 times bigger and there is a kitchen + living room separating him from his roommate's room). So I decided to move and switched to a studio apartment. But this meant me moving from a place 10min away from his house to 45min away (I could only afford such a nice place outside the city since I'm on grad student stipend). There is a direct train connecting our neighborhoods so I told him that I would happily commute + he has a car and before the pandemic, he would commute for an hour (one way) to his work every weekday. He agreed it was fine but I wonder if it really was. I keep feeling really guilty about this because when breaking up, he said he was "bummed out about my move since we didn't hang out very often when I lived close by and now I was moving further away". I just can't stop feeling so guilty and wanting to ask him to forgive me for that period of our relationship and take me back. Obviously this is a bad idea so I try to stop myself from texting every time. But maybe he is right that he just didn't like me very much. But if that's the case, then (1) I still blame myself, thinking if I spent more time with him, he could have liked me more and (2) feel mad at him for dating me for almost a year if he wasn't that into me. I don't know how to feel relieved. I wish I could talk to him once more, but he'd probably say no to that...
  12. Hi, I don't have a particular question or anything particular I am seeking advise on. But I need to rant somewhere and write things down / discuss things with others to process my very recent break up because it really keeps hurting. I'm sorry this is long, it took a few paragraphs to explain things 😕 I had been dating J for the last 10 months. We met online on a dating app, went out and we both liked each other so we kept dating. After about two months, he told me that he was looking for a relationship and I told him I wanted to same. A couple months after that, we decided to be in a relationship officially. According to our last discussion, we were both a bit unsure about each other at first (who isn't?) but found each other cool, so we kept dating. With time, he started acting more lovingly and so did I. We would contact each other every morning and every night with a good morning/good night texts, chat during the day, and spend at least half the weekend together (e.g. all of Saturday or all of Sunday) doing different things (sometimes staying inside, or going out for hiking, playing games with friends, discovering new places and restaurants, painting, playing badminton together etc) and would sometimes hang out one night during the week, too, after work. A while back, I started getting "cold vibes" from J. It concerned me and I asked him a few times if he was happy with us and if he thought we were compatible. He answered positively to all of them. Every time I told him I liked him a lot, he would respond back with "I like you a lot too". Over the course of 10 months, we never exchanged "I love you"s. I was hesitant to come out and say it after I started to get "cold vibes". Looking back, I wrote in my journal a few times that I loved him but didn't feel "emotionally secure" yet because I didn't know how he would react to me saying "I love you". I once started the conversation saying I started to feel more strongly towards him and he just stared at me. Another time when we were just playing writing things on each other's back with our fingers, I wrote "I love you" and he didn't react. I asked him if he got what I wrote and he said "I love you" in a hesitant way and I joked around saying "oh wow, you seem concerned" he said "no" but I think he really did seem so. Well, last Saturday I learned that he was happy but actually not too happy and he was wondering if he could be/should be happier. He said he tends to think like this when he isn't around me but when he is with me, he is actually happy. But this thought kept occurring to him. I asked if it was something we could work on in our relationship or if it was his way of gently breaking up with me. He said he did not know what it was but he didn't want to break up. We agreed to think of different aspects of our relationship to improve on and talk again on Monday. Sunday I created a "questionnaire" for us to privately fill out to see what parts of our relationship were working and what were not. He didn't do it and when we met up on Monday he said that he thinks it isn't something we could improve and he thinks we are just incompatible. So we broke up. When I asked what we were incompatible about, he didn't have an answer, I guess it wasn't something he could put his fingers on. At this point, I had not been sleeping much because processing things with no information was super difficult and I was feeling so crappy. I texted him Tuesday morning, telling him "It's difficult to process this break-up with no semi-definite reason laid out. I'm sorry for contacting you but I would really appreciate if you could give me some explanation". At this point he texted back and said he was very unsure since the previous night, maybe he should have accepted our Thursday dinner date (I offered to cook for him Thursday night at my new place before he broke up with me) and that he was still sorting his emotions. 15 min later, he texts back again saying something along the lines of "It is very difficult for me to go back and forth in my mind and it is not fair to you either. There is a ton of things I like about you. You are a compassionate, smart and attractive girl with everything I am looking for in a partner. But I was unsure from the beginning and I wanted to date you despite that because you really seemed like a cool person. I hoped I would develop stronger feelings over time but I guess I didn't. I'm sorry this wasn't something I could figure out sooner in our relationship". This was obviously a bummer but I felt relieved a little, thinking if he indeed just never liked me very much with no particular reason, perhaps this is easy to accept. But I feel like something does not add up. He has told me previously that he felt lucky to be dating me (and I replied I felt the same), he was the first to open up the relationship conversation, when talking about exes, he clearly felt jealous (although for no real reason), I hung out with his friends a few times and we dated for 10 whole months and I felt very much cared for until a couple months ago.
  13. (read the thread more, deleting)
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