Jump to content

Got dumped after 10 months, feeling guilty, not so clear on the reasons


Recommended Posts

Posted (edited)

Hi,

I don't have a particular question or anything particular I am seeking advise on. But I need to rant somewhere and write things down / discuss things with others to process my very recent break up because it really keeps hurting. I'm sorry this is long, it took a few paragraphs to explain things 😕

I had been dating J for the last 10 months. We met online on a dating app, went out and we both liked each other so we kept dating. After about two months, he told me that he was looking for a relationship and I told him I wanted to same. A couple months after that, we decided to be in a relationship officially.  According to our last discussion, we were both a bit unsure about each other at first (who isn't?) but found each other cool, so we kept dating. With time, he started acting more lovingly and so did I. We would contact each other every morning and every night with a good morning/good night texts, chat during the day, and spend at least half the weekend together (e.g. all of Saturday or all of Sunday) doing different things (sometimes staying inside, or going out for hiking, playing games with friends, discovering new places and restaurants, painting, playing badminton together etc) and would sometimes hang out one night during the week, too, after work.

A while back, I started getting "cold vibes" from J. It concerned me and I asked him a few times if he was happy with us and if he thought we were compatible. He answered positively to all of them. Every time I told him I liked him a lot, he would respond back with "I like you a lot too". Over the course of 10 months, we never exchanged "I love you"s. I was hesitant to come out and say it after I started to get "cold vibes". Looking back, I wrote in my journal a few times that I loved him but didn't feel "emotionally secure" yet because I didn't know how he would react to me saying "I love you". I once started the conversation saying I started to feel more strongly towards him and he just stared at me. Another time when we were just playing writing things on each other's back with our fingers, I wrote "I love you" and he didn't react. I asked him if he got what I wrote and he said "I love you" in a hesitant way and I joked around saying "oh wow, you seem concerned" he said "no" but I think he really did seem so. 

Well, last Saturday I learned that he was happy but actually not too happy and he was wondering if he could be/should be happier. He said he tends to think like this when he isn't around me but when he is with me, he is actually happy. But this thought kept occurring to him. I asked if it was something we could work on in our relationship or if it was his way of gently breaking up with me. He said he did not know what it was but he didn't want to break up. We agreed to think of different aspects of our relationship to improve on and talk again on Monday. Sunday I created a "questionnaire" for us to privately fill out to see what parts of our relationship were working and what were not. He didn't do it and when we met up on Monday he said that he thinks it isn't something we could improve and he thinks we are just incompatible. So we broke up. When I asked what we were incompatible about, he didn't have an answer, I guess it wasn't something he could put his fingers on. 

At this point, I had not been sleeping much because processing things with no information was super difficult and I was feeling so crappy. I texted him Tuesday morning, telling him "It's difficult to process this break-up with no semi-definite reason laid out. I'm sorry for contacting you but I would really appreciate if you could give me some explanation". At this point he texted back and said he was very unsure since the previous night, maybe he should have accepted our Thursday dinner date (I offered to cook for him Thursday night at my new place before he broke up with me) and that he was still sorting his emotions. 15 min later, he texts back again saying something along the lines of "It is very difficult for me to go back and forth in my mind and it is not fair to you either. There is a ton of things I like about you. You are a compassionate, smart and attractive girl with everything I am looking for in a partner. But I was unsure from the beginning and I wanted to date you despite that because you really seemed like a cool person. I hoped I would develop stronger feelings over time but I guess I didn't. I'm sorry this wasn't something I could figure out sooner in our relationship".

This was obviously a bummer but I felt relieved a little, thinking if he indeed just never liked me very much with no particular reason, perhaps this is easy to accept. But I feel like something does not add up. He has told me previously that he felt lucky to be dating me (and I replied I felt the same), he was the first to open up the relationship conversation, when talking about exes, he clearly felt jealous (although for no real reason), I hung out with his friends a few times and we dated for 10 whole months and I felt very much cared for until a couple months ago.

Edited by magnolia9
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A couple months ago is when he started giving off those cold vibes. I look back to then, and it was a very busy and difficult part of my Ph.D. and we didn't see each other as often. I had two very large deadlines that I had no control over: one regarding the publication of my old research project that kept being dragged on for two years, where the journal got back to us after reviewing it and wanted us to make some *major* revisions with new experiments to run, giving us a 1.5 month deadline. If we missed this deadline, we would have to resubmit to a new journal all over again (this was already the second), I would likely be scolded by my professor, but worse is this project would be dragged even longer. The other unfortunate deadline involved my Ph.D. qualifying exam, just 1.5 weeks after the journal deadline, where I would need to write up and defend my thesis proposal, involving the projects I completed and the projects I wish to complete with all the technical details, and the professors in my committee could ask whatever they'd like regarding my field for me to answer in a 3 hour oral examination. I was swamped. I couldn't juggle things very well, started feeling super overwhelmed, and was late to all my internal deadlines. During this time, we couldn't hang out during the week (some nights I would sleep only a couple hours to get things in order) and I had to skip one of our weekend dates and then cut another one short after rescheduling twice. I know it was very frustrating for him and I feel extremely terrible about it. But I really didn't know how to juggle things and I explained it to him. Apparently this is when he started to question our relationship. I feel so terrible for putting my work ahead of him and not making him feel like a priority. During this time, he told me that he wanted to see me more often and felt lonely (something sunk in my heart when he said that). I apparently also really broke his heart by rescheduling or canceling dates since these made him feel unimportant (he wasn't!) After the deadlines were over, I offered to go to a cabin to spend a few days together but he seemed "meh" about the idea, and would be hesitant about the options I lay out so that never happened. We started hanging out regularly on the weekends and have some weekday dates as well, a few of them involving his friends. But he was pretty cold during these times.

I asked him if my "flakiness" during this period or not spending enough time affected his feelings. He said "no, or at least, it's hard to tell" but I have difficult time believing it. His breakup also happens to coincide with my move to a new house. My previous living situation was not great. I lived in an old building with very thin walls. My roommate's room was right next to mine and I heard every single thing she would talk to her boyfriend about and every noise they made during sex. This made me uncomfortable (which is also why I preferred to hang out at his place, which is ~2.5 times bigger and there is a kitchen + living room separating him from his roommate's room). So I decided to move and switched to a studio apartment. But this meant me moving from a place 10min away from his house to 45min away (I could only afford such a nice place outside the city since I'm on grad student stipend). There is a direct train connecting our neighborhoods so I told him that I would happily commute + he has a car and before the pandemic, he would commute for an hour (one way) to his work every weekday. He agreed it was fine but I wonder if it really was. I keep feeling really guilty about this because when breaking up, he said he was "bummed out about my move since we didn't hang out very often when I lived close by and now I was moving further away". 

I just can't stop feeling so guilty and wanting to ask him to forgive me for that period of our relationship and take me back. Obviously this is a bad idea so I try to stop myself from texting every time. But maybe he is right that he just didn't like me very much. But if that's the case, then (1) I still blame myself, thinking if I spent more time with him, he could have liked me more and (2) feel mad at him for dating me for almost a year if he wasn't that into me. I don't know how to feel relieved. I wish I could talk to him once more, but he'd probably say no to that...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

You are blaming yourself for something that is not essentially your fault. Spending more time with him(while you were working on PhD thesis and where he at least should be tolerate about it) or living few minutes closer or even maybe hang out more often, wouldnt make him like you more. He was unsure from the start, even knew your feeling and knew he couldnt feel back the same. Its unlikely that would change ever if in first few months when passion is on all time high with most of couples he couldnt feel it. 

I am sorry it didnt worked out. Searching the true reason when the person doesnt disclose it honestly is never the grateful job. Just accept that he doesnt feel the same way and move on. Thinking that talking to him and that he would give you reasons(when he didnt do it in a year other then "I could be happy elsewhere") or even get back to you is a bad idea. You need to heal. That means to move on with your life without a contact to him. Accept that it didnt work out. And that in time you will find somebody that trully would love you back as much as you do him.

Edited by Kwothe28
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you so much for reading and replying to my very long post. Also thanks for reassuring me that it's not unreasonable for me to expect him to be tolerant of my busy period during my paper/thesis/qualifying exam time. I think the major thing that prevents me from feeling better is the guilt I feel about not making enough time for him during some parts of our relationship and thinking if I had done X or had not done Y, things could have been different. Talking through these with someone really helps! 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, magnolia9 said:

I feel so terrible for putting my work ahead of him and not making him feel like a priority.

No, don't feel bad for this.  This is regarding YOUR future and he is one who'd need to respect & understand that!

Is not like you never saw him or gave him time of day...

 

1 hour ago, magnolia9 said:

During this time, he told me that he wanted to see me more often and felt lonely (something sunk in my heart when he said that). I apparently also really broke his heart by rescheduling or canceling dates since these made him feel unimportant (he wasn't!)

Well this is on him.  He is too needy.  Is up to him to keep up with his own self & life.. Not you 'to make him happy'.

 

1 hour ago, magnolia9 said:

I keep feeling really guilty about this because when breaking up, he said he was "bummed out about my move since we didn't hang out very often when I lived close by and now I was moving further away". 

Again- is all about HIM.  No consideration on all YOU had to deal with.

 

1 hour ago, magnolia9 said:

I just can't stop feeling so guilty and wanting to ask him to forgive me for that period of our relationship and take me back.

No, don't.

He made his choice.  Let him deal with it.  If he felt things weren't enough, then fine.

As you mentioned, he had said somethin about being 'unsure in the beginning of it all'. 

 

Takes time to accept and in time, yes, we all come to feel whether we're all in it.. or not.

He could not get into the groove with you, I think 😕 .

It wasn't working out between you two.

Then you work on accepting now and move on.  No begging no chasing.  Nothing more.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 minutes ago, magnolia9 said:

Thank you so much for reading and replying to my very long post. Also thanks for reassuring me that it's not unreasonable for me to expect him to be tolerant of my busy period during my paper/thesis/qualifying exam time. I think the major thing that prevents me from feeling better is the guilt I feel about not making enough time for him during some parts of our relationship and thinking if I had done X or had not done Y, things could have been different. Talking through these with someone really helps! 

No nothing to do with you being busy because I'm sure you dealt with it politely and he knew exactly why.  When I dated I was always intensely busy and dated intensely busy men who were driven/ambitious like me and it wasn't a deep issue- meaning sure we'd have our bickering about plans/stress/making time but never close to it being a reason to break up.  My husband who works more than full time already just defended his dissertation! He works so much and it's hard but I love him and this is who he is -I respect and admire him a lot and therefore I try to accommodate his schedule.

I think from the minute you two had a conversation early on about not liking each other much at first this was at least a yellow flag - people who are compatible and have potential probably wouldn't have that sort of conversation especially early on  - (was it early on? not clear from what you wrote) - honestly the whole description sounds cold - you started acting more lovingly toward each other? I don't get that -certainly it takes time to fall in love but I would think if two people see potential they act lovingly -caringly -toward each other from the word go.  Not over the top but it doesn't take time to act in a caring way -I would think that would be there from the beginning if you enjoy being with a person.

Please don't put your work ahead of a guy -not this kind of work anyway - it takes years to achieve a PhD.  A number of men declined to date me because of my crazy work schedule or said they "got it" but really didn't.  This simply meant they were not right for me.  I think this guy was never really that into you, hoped he'd feel differently as he got to know you and he didn't.  It happens all the time unfortunately and I think it took him a bit longer because he was hoping things would change plus when he didn't get to see you as much it took more time to make the decision.

I'm sorry.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't see that you have anything to feel guilty about.  We can't put our partners first all the time.  Life isn't that simple.  Sometimes studies or work have to come first.  These things are a necessity.  If we had the chance to prioritise all the nice things in life, none of us would bother showing up for class or work!  If he really liked you, he wouldn't have bolted at the first signs of him not being top priority.  A caring partner would be understanding and supportive.  

To be honest, I don' think that was the issue here anyway.  He gave you - what seems to be - a very honest answer.  That is a lot more than some people get.  I think you are looking for things that you feel can be fixed.  Personally, however,  I think it just got to a point where you were moving further forward in the relationship than he was and whilst you were speeding things up, he realised he wanted to slow things down.  It's really sucky, I know but I don't think the outcome would be any different had you done anything differently and to be honest, you shouldn't want to jeopardise your future in that way.  It is not necessary to do so.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think you've gotten some good advice here.  I agree-- don't beat yourself up.  Your feelings seem normal to me.  You are hurting and that does stir up doubts etc.  

It was actually unfair of him to know he was unsure about things but yet, kept moving the relationship forward.  You had no way of knowing.  And that was his doing.  

What you did for your degree and move, were best for you.  And that is exactly what you should be doing when you are single (not married or living together).  

Take of yourself.  You will get over him and find someone better!!

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

No, don't feel bad for this.  This is regarding YOUR future and he is one who'd need to respect & understand that!

Is not like you never saw him or gave him time of day...

Thank you so much! Hearing this actually makes me feel less guilty. Looks like Batya33, Blue68, and Lambert also agree on this. 
 

56 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think from the minute you two had a conversation early on about not liking each other much at first this was at least a yellow flag - people who are compatible and have potential probably wouldn't have that sort of conversation especially early on  - (was it early on? not clear from what you wrote) - honestly the whole description sounds cold - you started acting more lovingly toward each other?

We talked about this at the end of the relationship, so during the breakup conversation / when I asked for some explanation. Sorry that wasn't clear at all in my post. I do think being unsure in the beginning, especially while online dating, is probably normal. At least I wasn't sure in the beginning either, but mine lasted only 3 months and I didn't want to call it a relationship until I was sure. This breakup was a little unexpected to me because apart from small issues, we didn't have any big problems that we talked about and he did say he was happy with us when I asked a week prior. I also assumed he was sure he liked me since we've been in a relationship. Maybe my expectations from a "official relationship" is different than his. 🤷‍♀️
About the whole description being cold -- there was something a little cold about the whole thing, to be honest, so maybe I reflected that in my description or you picked up on it from between the lines. At times, I thought he was super respectful and nice and loved it, at other times, I felt like it prevented me from feeling fully comfortable and "emotionally secure" with him (in terms of feeling safe to voice all my feelings).

 

41 minutes ago, Blue68 said:

These things are a necessity.  If we had the chance to prioritise all the nice things in life, none of us would bother showing up for class or work!  If he really liked you, he wouldn't have bolted at the first signs of him not being top priority.  A caring partner would be understanding and supportive.  

To be honest, I don' think that was the issue here anyway.  He gave you - what seems to be - a very honest answer.  That is a lot more than some people get.  I think you are looking for things that you feel can be fixed. 

To be fair, I think he seemed understanding at the time when he said he understands I'm busy and it's okay to reschedule. He accommodated my schedule at the time, which I really appreciated. But towards the end of this period was when he said he wanted to see me more often, didn't feel like he saw me enough, and when we were breaking up he said rescheduling twice was upsetting for him. So maybe he felt that he needed to act understanding but he didn't really understand/tolerate it. It's reassuring to hear you think it was reasonable for me to expect some tolerance/understanding around that time.

I think you are right that I am looking for something that can be fixed. I am not sure why I'm looking for it. Maybe I don't like hearing that he just didn't like me that much. Or maybe part of me wants to fix it and get back together because I really thought he "checked all my boxes" and had an impressive personality I grew to love. But I know that is not possible and is definitely not a good idea for either of us, anyway. Maybe I am still in the denial zone because I think him being unsure about the breakup also gave me hope about some future reconciliation (he told me he has been going back and forth about it, that he could really regret this etc.) But when I think about it, that is highly unlikely and not something I will want once I move on from the hurt. Breakups also start to get a little bit harder as I get older. 

Edited by magnolia9
Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

5 minutes ago, Lambert said:

It was actually unfair of him to know he was unsure about things but yet, kept moving the relationship forward.  You had no way of knowing.  And that was his doing.

Sometimes I feel this way, too, and feel a little angry with him. Then I think "well, it sounds like he had good intentions, wasn't trying to lead me on, just hoped to develop feelings or wasn't sure how to breach the conversation" and I let go of the anger and even feel positively about him wanting to really give this a try and wanting to be honest. But honestly, feeling angry somehow helps a little.

8 minutes ago, Lambert said:

What you did for your degree and move, were best for you.  And that is exactly what you should be doing when you are single (not married or living together).  

This feels great to hear! Thank you 🙂 I guess since I feel like this relationship was an important part of my life, I feel like I should have demonstrated that I indeed took it seriously and that my partner was valued. But I think Blue68 is right, he probably did give me an honest answer about never really developing strong feelings. So it wouldn't have been smart to prioritize someone so unsure about me over other important things in my life.

Thank you for the replies, I think reading them helps me think more rationally. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

13 minutes ago, magnolia9 said:

he said rescheduling twice was upsetting for him. 

He sounds like a big baby! He is the one being unreasonable here.

17 minutes ago, magnolia9 said:

I think you are right that I am looking for something that can be fixed. I am not sure why I'm looking for it. Maybe I don't like hearing that he just didn't like me that much. Or maybe part of me wants to fix it and get back together

It is normal to look at ways to fix things when you are still healing. It’s “hope” basically, and we cling on to that as a way of coping.

He definitely liked you and it sounds as though he still does - just not in the same way. It just got to a stage where he couldn’t see his feelings developing any further. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You're both likely are in different phases. Continue putting your phD and studies/career first and things will fall into place later. Don't worry about him and yes, do take the lukewarm interest as an honest answer. 

You have bigger things going for you so keep working on those.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, magnolia9 said:

.  According to our last discussion, we were both a bit unsure about each other at first (who isn't?) but found each other cool, so we kept dating. 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately it seems like he was never in with both feet and was sort of coasting along in the relationship.

There's nothing you did wrong and nothing to regret. He simply lacked the passion to see it through .

Your academic challenges were not the cause of the breakup. 

How old is he? What is his profession? Was he also a PhD student?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, magnolia9 said:

"But I was unsure from the beginning"

This is not something you having more time or living closer would have fixed. 

He was apparently never quite as into this as you were and I think he has been looking for an "out" for a while. Hence his comments about being upset that you needed to reschedule twice. That was him getting his reasons to break-up ready. Same goes for moving a little further. I doubt he was actually all the put out by those thing, but perhaps hoped he could make you think that as it would give him a legitimate "reason" to end it rather than the less-palatable truth that he just wasn't that into you. 

It hurts a lot but I don't think this relationship would have lasted. He didn't have strong enough interest to make it work. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow that is one heck of a forensic breakdown of a relationship. What is wrong with just accepting that it didnt work out? There a number of reasons why a relationship works and just as many reasons why a relationship didnt work. There doesnt have to be blame or mistakes, missteps, someone misspeaking or even a good reason why a relationship didnt work out and sometimes they just didnt work out.

Now you can look look at a complex watch and look at the gears and figure out where and why the watch stopped working. Or you can just accept it broke and get a new one. 

It didnt work out. Leave it at that and move forward onto the next one.  

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sounds like just wasn't that into you.  But you also weren't that into him.  And there's nothing wrong with either of you.  It just was a lukewarm fit.  Chalk it up to someone you once dated, and move on. 

And you put getting your PHD!!! (Congrats btw) ahead of him because you should have.  If a partner is so easily flustered by you pursuing higher education, no thanks.  He just wasn't the one.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...
On 7/4/2021 at 8:17 PM, Blue68 said:

He sounds like a big baby! He is the one being unreasonable here.

It feels very relieving to hear this! But I've rescheduled dates before and after this. Usually it is pushing it to one hour later or so but a few times it was pushing things to the next day entirely. So, looking back, I could understand how this might have been a big issue for him. He never really said this was a big issue except for that time and always seemed flexible so perhaps I took it granted 😕 And I still feel so crappy and blame myself perhaps even more now for continuing to reschedule stuff when I knew he wasn't really happy with it. I thought no contact was supposed to help me feel better, but I'm actually feeling worse. I don't want to contact him because I'm still full of emotions and I bet he isn't and seeing that would hurt me more. But seeing someone I loved so dearly become a complete stranger is so hurtful.  

On 7/4/2021 at 8:17 PM, Blue68 said:

It is normal to look at ways to fix things when you are still healing. It’s “hope” basically, and we cling on to that as a way of coping.

He definitely liked you and it sounds as though he still does - just not in the same way. It just got to a stage where he couldn’t see his feelings developing any further. 

I think hope might actually be interfering with my healing. I realized that for the past few days I've been thinking of potentially reconciling one day. When I look at things more rationally, I see that's probably never going to happen and I need to let it go the way he let me go. But that realization hurts even more. It's been a long time since I experienced being dumped. Turns out it was really difficult.

 

On 7/5/2021 at 2:00 AM, Rose Mosse said:

You're both likely are in different phases. Continue putting your phD and studies/career first and things will fall into place later. Don't worry about him and yes, do take the lukewarm interest as an honest answer. 

You have bigger things going for you so keep working on those.

I'm almost 27 now and lots of friends around me are getting engaged/married/buying houses. It feels a little difficult to just say "let me finish up my PhD first and then I'll find a partner". I'd much rather be able to do both at the same time and not put my life on hold but not sure if that's going to work out...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)
On 7/5/2021 at 2:16 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately it seems like he was never in with both feet and was sort of coasting along in the relationship.

There's nothing you did wrong and nothing to regret. He simply lacked the passion to see it through .

Your academic challenges were not the cause of the breakup. 

How old is he? What is his profession? Was he also a PhD student?

I actually thought around January/February he seemed really into the relationship and that's when we had the talk about introducing each other to friends as official boyfriend/girlfriend and I met his friends through an online boardgaming call. I think his interest was very lukewarm in the beginning and so was mine because we didn't know each other. Then it started to peak and so did mine. The issue is mine continued going up and his went down. I would LOVE to believe that there was nothing I could do about it, but I find it difficult to believe sometimes. The way my attraction went up was through our interactions and his effort. And his attraction started going down around the time I focused on work and had to put him secondary in my life. I wasn't making much effort for our relationship at the time and in a new relationship, it might have been a big deal. I did explain my situation, but even though that might make sense to him, it might have still hindered our relationship progress and growth, no? I really want to stop feeling guilty but I can't get this thought off of my head that I had someone I admired (I thought his character was 10/10) and was very attracted to and I messed it up by not taking care of his needs and making him feel important. 

 

He is 27 and I'll also turn 27 soon. He is a software engineer working 9am-5pm and doesnt like to work outside work hours. So I do think I had a little more workload even though he has a full time job. I also think he didn't have too many friends to hang out with. From the times I met his friends and our talks, it looks like he mostly hangs out with three people, one from high school who lives close to him, one from elementary school who lives about an hour away and has a busy work schedule so they don't meet up often, and one from college who lives 2 hours away so they don't hang out much either. I also didn't have many friends, honestly. But when the pandemic started and before I met him, I started feeling lonely and reconnected with old friends. We scheduled weekly hangouts so some of my weekdays were scheduled ahead of time to hang out with friends. I did cancel them a few times to hang out with him but I think I might have kept myself busier outside of our relationship than he did. So he might have needed to spend more time together than I did to be happy. It's just a guess, though.

Edited by magnolia9
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 7/5/2021 at 2:50 AM, MissCanuck said:

This is not something you having more time or living closer would have fixed. 

He was apparently never quite as into this as you were and I think he has been looking for an "out" for a while. Hence his comments about being upset that you needed to reschedule twice. That was him getting his reasons to break-up ready. Same goes for moving a little further. I doubt he was actually all the put out by those thing, but perhaps hoped he could make you think that as it would give him a legitimate "reason" to end it rather than the less-palatable truth that he just wasn't that into you. 

It hurts a lot but I don't think this relationship would have lasted. He didn't have strong enough interest to make it work.

I think you might be right and I really want to believe that because then I can think "there is nothing else I could have done, this just wasn't meant to be". But for some reason, a part of me keeps thinking he wouldn't have wanted to push the relationship forward (he was the first to ask me to be exclusive, first to ask to be in a relationship, first to want to meet friends etc) if he didn't really believe in us. Then, around the time I got super busy (and it lasted about 2 months, so it wasnt a short period of time), he started questioning it. I don't think love is something that just happens or doesnt happen, I think whether love develops depends on effort and how we treat each other. So that belief causes me to think I didnt treat him very well at the time, and later when we were a little rocky when I thought he was being cold (apparently he really was), I didnt put in enough effort for a relationship I desired. I am going through ups and downs in my mood and I might be in a particularly guilty mood right now. But half the day since we cut contact I really feel this way. I think feeling guilty really hinders my healing. I considered writing him an apology note but thought it would come across pathetic so I decided not to (I think that was the right decision). I'm also considering reading our messages again to see if I remember things correctly. Maybe I was actually really nice about it and even tried to upkeep most of our dates during that time. Or maybe it was even worse than I think. I am not confident I remember it correctly. I've been waiting to feel a little better before I read over our texts again. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 7/6/2021 at 9:45 PM, No1 said:

Wow that is one heck of a forensic breakdown of a relationship. What is wrong with just accepting that it didnt work out? There a number of reasons why a relationship works and just as many reasons why a relationship didnt work. There doesnt have to be blame or mistakes, missteps, someone misspeaking or even a good reason why a relationship didnt work out and sometimes they just didnt work out.

Now you can look look at a complex watch and look at the gears and figure out where and why the watch stopped working. Or you can just accept it broke and get a new one. 

It didnt work out. Leave it at that and move forward onto the next one. 

I find it difficult to believe that you have experienced breakup and never went through grief questioning what went wrong and what you could have done better. Isn't it a natural part of processing an experience?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

34 minutes ago, magnolia9 said:

I messed it up by not taking care of his needs and making him feel important. 

Never ever go down that road, OP. Not with this one, and not with anyone.  It is not your task to make a person feel important. 

Keep this thought before you:

"he probably did give me an honest answer about never really developing strong feelings. So it wouldn't have been smart to prioritize someone so unsure about me over other important things in my life."

Edited by LaHermes
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Planning a wedding while working on your PhD would have been exceptionally stressful. Plus, if he can't handle your busy schedule now being married wouldn't have made it any better. Worse, in fact.

I guarantee once your studies are completed and you have that PhD things will feel much better. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, magnolia9 said:

I messed it up by not taking care of his needs and making him feel important. 

Well, you don't need to babysit a 27 year old man.  He was petty and needy. You need to follow your own path.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, magnolia9 said:

I'm almost 27 now and lots of friends around me are getting engaged/married/buying houses. It feels a little difficult to just say "let me finish up my PhD first and then I'll find a partner". I'd much rather be able to do both at the same time and not put my life on hold but not sure if that's going to work out...

I empathize but that line of thinking will drive you to make some unhappy decisions and end up with someone who might not be right for you based on what others are doing. Date if you want to date and see what's out there. Your ex is the past. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, magnolia9 said:

I'm also considering reading our messages again to see if I remember things correctly. Maybe I was actually really nice about it and even tried to upkeep most of our dates during that time. Or maybe it was even worse than I think. I am not confident I remember it correctly. I've been waiting to feel a little better before I read over our texts again. 

Don't do this. It will prevent you from getting closure. Your brain is on overdrive right now, which is normal. But don't prolong that stage by keeping him on your mind by going through all your old conversations, which will bring him front and center in your mind, when he chose to no longer be in your life.

It normally took me 4 to 6 months to get over a breakup when I practiced no communication with a guy and deleted old photos and messages and his number. I suggest you do this so that you can get to the healing and moving on stage without prolonging that process.

Take care.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share


×
×
  • Create New...