Happy and Healthy Love

[xoxoc]

I see a lot of toxic relationships on here, is anyone in a happy and healthy long term relationship? If so, Id love if you would take the time to describe what it’s like and what issues you have worked through. I’m having a hard time believing that everyone can really find true love and I think a lot of us are in the same boat.

[Wiseman2]

Define "true love". Where else have you posted this survey?

[LaHermes]

OP. Psychologically healthy people do not enter toxic relationships. 

An excerpt:

"The sweet spot is a relationship where the similarities create a foundation to connect with each other, but individual differences are still respected and valued. Moreover, it's important that each partner is given the freedom to still live their own life, especially in terms of friendships, professional goals, and hobbies. A strong, healthy relationship brings to mind a Venn diagram — there is adequate overlap to keep the connection strong, but each person has aspects of their lives that are theirs alone, and that boundary is respected by both parties."

From an article by Andrea Bonior, Ph.D.

 

[maritalbliss86]

8 hours ago, xoxoc said:

I see a lot of toxic relationships on here, is anyone in a happy and healthy long term relationship? If so, Id love if you would take the time to describe what it’s like and what issues you have worked through. I’m having a hard time believing that everyone can really find true love and I think a lot of us are in the same boat.

I don't believe my marriage falls into the toxic relationship camp  so yes, you can definitely find a partner who loves you, supports you in your goals, choices and dreams for life, and build a beautiful life together.  

We're about to hit 16 years knowing each other, 15 years together, and 14 married.  

Toxic relationships can come from anywhere though.  My husband's parents are probably what would be described as, "toxic," and they're the kids' grandparents even if we're estranged 🤷‍♀️  So some relationships kind of remain in limbo with toxic people.  It isn't clear-cut sometimes in carving them completely out of your life. 

[Seraphim]

I wouldn’t call my relationship toxic now. Maybe in the beginning but we were both mentally unwell. We have survived a lot, mental  instability and financial instability and issues with both sets of parents, miscarriages and military lifestyle to name a few. 
 

What we have going for us? A deep deep love and bond . Respect and compromise, the same ideas and goals about most of the big things in life. A deep desire to never quit and just keep working at everything. 
 

33 years (27 married) and still going strong. 

[smackie9]

We get along really well, we respect each other, give a good balance of space and attention, support each other, have lots in common, we vent about our day everyday after work, can talk about anything, understand each others needs. Our fights are spats or small disagreements, but no big blow outs because we don't hold it in, or stew with resentment letting it fester. We love each other, can't imagine my life without him, he's my best friend. Been together for over 31 years.

[Batya33]

I see this as two separate questions and while it's fun to share examples I don't think it's particularly relevant.  Two separate questions.  "Find true love".  Love is a feeling and an action.  Loving is giving.  Many people find -or believe they have found "true love" and are not in a relationship with their love, or are but it's been about 72 hours, or it's been 60 years and they refer to each other as their "true loves" but if you dig under the surface the actual relationship is not what one would define as healthy.  So the two questions are "how do you find true love?
 and "what does a healthy relationship look like?"

For the latter question -which I think is actually your question -I think real life examples are helpful to this extent -if it is a person/couple you know really well and trust and feel inspired by hearing their "secrets" can be really helpful and relevant. Otherwise, not so much.  Too many individual factors and then if you throw kids in the mix, or an open relationship, or a second marriage, etc - the minute amount of relevance/helpfulness gets lost in the shuffle.

So for example, I've heard people say that true love/healthy relationship means you don't have friend of the opposite sex.  That you must have a joint bank account.  That you have to live together before marriage as part of a "step" to make sure you can get along.  That you have to have date nights if you have kids.  That if you're a stay at home mom, you have to insist your husband still does half of the housework. And on and on.  

I like the post above with the quote from an authoritative, professional book.  And for a slightly different perspective I highly recommend you read Alain De Boton's books on relationships.  

My marriage? Known him almost 27 years.  Almost got married, then broke up for almost 8 years, got back together and did get married over ten years ago.  At one point it was a rollercoaster because in 1996 he took me to Disney world, knew I was afraid of rollercoasters and cheerfully lied to me about how the runaway train was a baby rollercoaster.  So yes I endured a rollercoaster with him (And his lies!).

We are a marriage of huge differences- he is a non-coffee drinker, I am an intense one.  Right handed and left handed.  Type A/Type B.  He loves Star Trek, I tolerate it.  He is a night owl and I am a morning person.  I did everything "wrong" -got back together with an ex fiancee who'd recently ended a one year serious relationship, got back together knowing we'd be long distance, didn't start trying to get pregnant till I was almost 41 (yes, he would have tried earlier, gotten married earlier -I was skittish about getting engaged too fast again the second time around), and got married while I was waddlingly pregnant (again some would frown upon that I am sure).

I will leave you with this.  We did a required meeting with our wedding officiant before the wedding -think a mini premarital counseling session a few weeks before the big day.  He said as we sat on his couch "look, I know you two love each other, not going to ask you if you do, you do.  But what's most important - do you like hanging out with each other and what do you like to do together?"  We were a little taken aback just by the question.  So we said yes we do like hanging out with each other and we came up with Seinfeld as something we liked to watch together lol.  He was totally satisfied and pronounced us ready to marry.  It's called taking the plunge for a reason.

I'm sorry if you're feeling down on true love and serious long term relationships.  I had my share of disappointments, stress, frustrations, rejections on both sides of it (yes rejecting someone else can leave scars too!).  I haven't had my long unruly half gray hair cut or colored in about 1.5 years at this point, thank you covid.  And my 12 year old son said to me the other day while I was hard at work teleworking in my loungewear (sweats and t-shirt) that I looked "stunning".  And that's the answer.  It's in the eye of the beholder.  

[Cherylyn]

I've been happily married for a long time. 

My husband and I've never had any major issues due to steady, stable economics, a very established, settled life in the suburbs, overall good health, two great sons and our shared Christian faith keeps us strong and enduring. 

We are compatible because there's a lot of mutual respect and love for each other and our family.  We have a calm, peaceful household.

It helps that my husband hails from a very normal, nurturing, kind, empathetic and loving family life.  My background was filled with tumult (broken home, wife beater father, always broke, struggling, etc.).  My husband grew up observing his father treat his mother like a queen so he's very good to me, too.  I've always wanted everything he had when he was a young boy.  Fortunately, our white picket fence life is just that.  I'm very grateful especially to my in-laws for setting the bar very high.

I often reflect how fortunate and lucky I am.  The secret is to choose the right one in the first place.  Beliefs, core values, stellar character and all virtues we hold dear are tantamount to a successful relationship or marriage.  Without absolute steadfast and unwavering high standards, all relationships and marriages are doomed for failure. 

I wasn't about to repeat my mother's mistake.  I followed my instincts and basic common sense when choosing the right man to spend the rest of my life with.  In other words, my husband is the complete opposite of my late father. 

 

 

[Capricorn3]

I've been married longer than most people have been alive, lol.  So yes, there are happy and healthy long term, successful marriages.

[tattoobunnie]

Well believing that you have to find true love for it to be happy and healthy is a dangerous step-forward because it sets you up for believing that you don't have to do any work to make it work because the cosmos and fate have it written in the stars.  And two, you or they can be crazy and cruel and still try to make it work because it's true love.

NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. All relationships take work.

To have a healthy and happy relationship involves several things:

1) The person has a sense of self and is happy with themselves

2) Communication is a two-way street, and you both are always working towards it even if waxing and waning.

3) Both parties contribute to their best abilities (chores, fiscally, responsibilities, child/pet care, planning - savings and leisure)

4) Be with someone you actually like as a person. Common interests in how you spend your leisure helps a lot. Your attitude and respect towards religion/spirtual/etc

5) Create and discuss some short and long term goals together.

6) Keep growing together. Whether learning, trying new things, reaching goals, etc.

-------------------

My hubs and I laugh a lot together - I mean, a lot.  And I know even with some shortcomings, he'd also rip a bear a part for me.  So, to share how my mom says to make it happy and healthy.  Keep adding love to the pot, so that it overflows, even when one partner is not in a place to add much to the pot at times.  And the other thing she says, "if you like 80% of that person, that's good enough.  20% could be leaving their socks and shoes everywhere."

For me, I made a list of non-negotiables in my late 20's. Then, God laughed. But ironically the major one I had as a teen was choice of music preferences, and still holds up.

And my best advice, if you are having trouble finding love, find a bigger problem to solve.  Volunteer, food banks, teaching, big work projects, etc.  It opens up your world and your heart.  

[Cherylyn]

I can't speak for everyone.  I feel that any time any relationship or marriage requires a lot of work, it's not working. 

There are many keys to success regarding my marriage to my husband.  I find the old saying:  "Happy wife equals happy life"  to be quite true.  My neighbor across the street said the same thing.

Aside from our shared Christian faith, we're in lockstep and we're a team all the way.  My husband always picks up the slack.  He is a godsend.  If I'm busy doing something productive at home or away, I can always count on him to tie loose ends together whether it's chores, errands, repairing something, maintenance at home, making sure cars are in working order, both cars have a full tank of gas and whatever needs to be done, he does it. 

It was the same with infant / newborn / baby / child help, cooking, errands, housecleaning chores, everything.  I can always count on him.  

My husband is the way he is because his mother trained him well.  I'm forever in my MIL (mother-in-law)'s debt.  She was very sickly as a young mother and still is to this day.  She suffers from killer migraine headaches, has a serious heart condition and her body is riddled with debilitating arthritis.  It's so bad that her potent meds numb her feet if she were to step on broken glass.  My husband took care of his ailing mother and younger siblings as a young boy while his salesman father was always on business travel.  My FIL (father-in-law) always depended and relied on my husband to "be the man of the house" while he was away. 

I remember my late father didn't do anything helpful.  My poor mother did everything and she ran herself haggard.  I feel fortunate not to be in her shoes. 

An easier, smooth life is a calm, peaceful life.  A humming household feels industrious and relaxing simultaneously.  I think it's important to have a lot of cooperation without any flak for daily stability, contentment, peace and calm. 

Steady financial security is very important, too because there are no fights regarding lack of money.  My mother said, "Rich men don't fight." 

Without empathy and consideration for the other person, there is nothing in a relationship or marriage.  Respect is love and love is respect.  Sound communication is tied to empathetic feelings for one another and being extremely considerate of the other person's feelings. 

People with high emotional intelligence thrive.  Google "emotional intelligence" or EQ.  High emotional intelligence makes or breaks all relationships and marriages. 

It's not complex nor complicated at all.  Successful relationships and marriages (and friendships) all share the same fundamental basics in order to thrive and endure.