Am I over reacting?

[boltnrun]

Do you treat your friends the way he treats you? Do you treat HIM the way he treats you?

Why do you believe someone who has the capacity to and actually does treat you the way he does is your "best friend"? 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Lohny said:

I guess I’ve been holding on to the good. He doesn’t always treat me bad, he makes me laugh, he buys me gifts, we have a lot in common, we have fun when we are together.

Research abusive relationships. Cycling just like this with mean/sweet is how they work. Like a slot machine. Waiting...waiting...waiting for the "good" time.

Years and years can go by in this cycle. Until you're old, bitter and useless to anyone but them.

 

[Lohny]

14 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you treat your friends the way he treats you? Do you treat HIM the way he treats you?

Why do you believe someone who has the capacity to and actually does treat you the way he does is your "best friend"? 

No I would never treat him, or other friends like that 😕

[boltnrun]

11 minutes ago, Lohny said:

No I would never treat him, or other friends like that 😕

So why is it OK for him to do it? And why do you refer to someone who treats you this way as your "best friend"?

Are you "afraid to be 'alone'"?

[Cheetarah]

41 minutes ago, Lohny said:

It didn’t start out like that, when he went through what he did, he needed me and I helped him through it. He was going through a really deep depression, and honestly I stayed because I thought it would get better, that he was acting the way he was because of what happened and he would eventually move on from it. But he’s stuck in the past it seems. 

 

also, I guess I’ve been holding on to the good. He doesn’t always treat me bad, he makes me laugh, he buys me gifts, we have a lot in common, we have fun when we are together. He’s my best friend. 
 

I know I deserve to be treated better, sometimes I just think we’ve been through so much, and I’ve worked so hard that I’m just having a hard time letting it go. 
 

 

Well, now you’re treating him/your relation like a bad investment.  Trying to flip a house with a terrible foundation, putting way more money into it than it will be worth. 

YOU worked hard.  What did he do?  You can’t fix him. 

[Lohny]

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So why is it OK for him to do it? And why do you refer to someone who treats you this way as your "best friend"?

Are you "afraid to be 'alone'"?

The weird thing is, I’m not afraid to be alone. I’m already doing everything myself. I think I’m just dreading starting over. 
 

before him I was married for 12 years and it didn’t work out, and dated for a few years after. It’s just overwhelming to think about letting someone in again, and going through all of the things that come with dating. 
 

at this point it’s like I’d rather just not be with anyone or try. 

[DancingFool]

25 minutes ago, Lohny said:

The weird thing is, I’m not afraid to be alone. I’m already doing everything myself. I think I’m just dreading starting over. 
 

before him I was married for 12 years and it didn’t work out, and dated for a few years after. It’s just overwhelming to think about letting someone in again, and going through all of the things that come with dating. 
 

at this point it’s like I’d rather just not be with anyone or try. 

That's the thing - healthy relationship are not this kind of work or this exhausting.

What you are doing with this guy is like trying to swim upstream with a rock tied around your neck. It's taking everything you have just to stop yourself from drowning. So yes, you can't think straight and the idea of relationships is exhausting because what you are dealing with is indeed exhausting.

So end this. Walk away. Breathe. Rest. Enjoy your life without being dragged down. Be good by yourself and keep in mind that you really aren't alone. You have your children, your family, your friends. You literally have a million better things to do that will give you pleasure and put a smile on your face. Embrace that. When was the last time you were good to yourself???? Learn how to put yourself first and be kind to yourself instead of dumping that kindness into a bottomless pit you call a bf.

Take the attitude that if you meet a good quality man down the road, great. If not, equally great. The one thing you will never do again is work on a toxic relationship. You don't need that in your life. Nobody does. Understand that if you do actually come across a good man - it won't feel like work and going through all these difficult things. I think that's something you need to actually fix - your broken picker and your view that relationships are really hard. Healthy relationships are not this much work. They just aren't.

[Lohny]

4 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

That's the thing - healthy relationship are not this kind of work or this exhausting.

Thank you I needed to hear all of that!

[boltnrun]

I know when I was in a toxic relationship it really affected the rest of my life. I had trouble enjoying my wonderful kids because I had such extreme anxiety wondering if things were OK with that guy. My job suffered because I was always worried about our relationship.  I was afraid to put my focus on anything else because I had to be at his place as much as possible so I could reassure myself that we were OK. I felt fear, anxiety, stress...you name it. When he chose to be nice to me the sun shone, but when he didn't?  There were dark clouds of anxiety and fear.

Does any of that sound familiar?  Does any of it sound like the love relationship you always dreamed of?

The right relationship won't feel like that.  You will actually enjoy it because the fear and anxiety won't exist. But you'll never find it if you insist on trying to get that man to love you.

[Lohny]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I know when I was in a toxic relationship it really affected the rest of my life. I had trouble enjoying my wonderful kids because I had such extreme anxiety wondering if things were OK with that guy. My job suffered because I was always worried about our relationship.  I was afraid to put my focus on anything else because I had to be at his place as much as possible so I could reassure myself that we were OK. I felt fear, anxiety, stress...you name it. When he chose to be nice to me the sun shone, but when he didn't?  There were dark clouds of anxiety and fear.

 

Yes, this EXACTLY 

[boltnrun]

Sadly, I stuck around until HE broke up with ME (in an email, after 4 years of this). My self esteem was in the trash. And I had no one to blame but myself. He's a lousy human but I CHOSE to stay around him, hoping he might someday love me. 

I've had a hard time forgiving myself for being my own worst enemy. I have no idea why I thought I wanted him.

And now I don't want him. Not a bit. He's not worth a minute of my time. He is 100% out of my life and I am so glad. You will be too, once you decide to do the best thing for yourself. Will you?

[smackie9]

What is rewarding is how we learn from our past relationships. You are old and wiser, you know now what to do if you are faced with this situation again or how to avoid someone like that...you will let go quicker because you have set your standards higher/better. You live, you learn, you grow, you go forward.

[Andrina]

He didn't become depressed four months after you knew him because of an incident. I can guarantee he's always had issues, and he was merely in a 4 month honeymoon high with the newness of a serotonin-inducing relationship, so there was a delay in showing you the darker side of himself.

I was in a stressful relationship myself for a year, and actually broke out in hives twice during that time. Only in hindsight did I realize my self worth was far poorer than I'd thought during that time, and I too hoped things would return to the honeymoon stage.

After that, I'd told myself a mantra every night before going to bed--that instead of being with someone who created problems, I wanted someone who eased my troubles, like the Rod Stewart song.

Thoughts create actions, and the mind is a powerful thing. Thinking that positive thought, I'd accept no less, and 9 months later, I met my future husband who, for the dozen years we've been together, has eased my troubles consistently. I pinched the nerve in my neck a week ago, and he took two days off of work, put my socks on for me daily since it's been to painful to do so, put ointment on my back and neck, and numerous other things, while being in a good mood.

It's okay and even beneficial not to want to date for a while. Concentrate on you and your child, moving into a new stage without a man right now. Pamper yourself. It's practicing self-love.

[catfeeder]

Even if a guy brings rainbows and unicorns into my life for a few months, that doesn't mean that I won't walk away if he morphs into a withdrawn Shmoe down the road.

I can appreciate sticking with someone through some grief, but not if he turns it against himself, his future and most importantly, against YOU.

All relationships being voluntary, it's up to each of us to recognize when we're being taken for granted. We can learn whether a partner truly values us by raising our feelings on the matter, and if this prompts a heel dig rather than a positive change, then it's up to us to decide whether this partner still aligns with our OWN vision of our OWN future.

I'd quit attributing this guy's misanthropic outlook to one experience and consider, instead, the fact that we never get any wasted time back to re-live over again.

From there, decide what kind of partner you want in your future, and liberate yourself to go find him.