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Lohny

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  1. I guess I took his actions of reaching out and wanting to hang out as a sign that he didnt want to let our relationship go and that he wanted to work on things eventually. And I think I keep letting it happen because I love him. I want to be with him, I just want him to get better so he can be the man I fell in love with. It feels like his depression robbed us of that. I don't want to be done, but I couldn't keep going on with the way our relationship was and I couldn't fix it either. Another poster said I need to quite making it about myself. And I know that, it just hurts. and it's confusing. I feel as though if he was clear minded everything would be SO different.
  2. I posted a previous question on here a few months ago. Shortly after, my boyfriend (28) and I (34F) had an argument because the level of his respect and commitment to our relationship deteriorated significantly even just in the past few weeks. we took a break but it just seemed like he was using his space to drink more -So I ended up breakup up with him and I told him he needed to try and work on himself because the things that were happening were hurting us both. He agreed and said he would finally get help (he's been depressed and has had PTSD for over a year), and that he wanted to remain friends because he didnt want to lose me and he cares about me so much. I agreed. I have an immense amount of compassion for him because I KNOW this is not who he is. The feelings he has about this past situation that happened to him are controlling his life and he even admittedly will tell me that if those things didnt happen to him, that EVERYTHING would be different with us. And that he knows its why his life is the way it is. Well, he continued to call me everyday - I never reached out to him first - he asked to hangout, which we did. It seemed like he had been making some positive changes - like not drinking as much. But he still wasn't ready to go to therapy or a doctor. Well, this last time that we hung out we were out with some friends and a guy came and started chatting with me - to which my ex came up and said " dude that's my girlfriend". We ended up staying the night together because he didnt want to be at my place alone that night (it was storming). But in the morning it felt like things changed again. I asked him what he was feeling about the space and about us (it had been over a month so I thought it was ok for a check in). And he said, well it feels like its dragging on. And I said do you want to start working on things, to which he said "I don't know what we'd be working on". He said that he had fallen out of love with me and that I was smothering him, because I would get upset if he didnt call me one night or if he commented on another girls looks, or wondered where he was going. But then why does he keep calling, why does he keep pursing me? Why does he still want to be friends? Can depression make you feel like you've fallen out of love? I KNOW that he loved me, and even just a few weeks ago he was saying that he wanted to try and get better so we could be together. He also says that he just feels cold and numb. He can't find joy in anything and he has so much anger about previous events (not with me but back in his hometown). Im having a hard time understanding WHY. Has anybody had previous experiences that might be similar with a depressed partner?
  3. Thank you I needed to hear all of that!
  4. The weird thing is, I’m not afraid to be alone. I’m already doing everything myself. I think I’m just dreading starting over. before him I was married for 12 years and it didn’t work out, and dated for a few years after. It’s just overwhelming to think about letting someone in again, and going through all of the things that come with dating. at this point it’s like I’d rather just not be with anyone or try.
  5. No I would never treat him, or other friends like that 😕
  6. It didn’t start out like that, when he went through what he did, he needed me and I helped him through it. He was going through a really deep depression, and honestly I stayed because I thought it would get better, that he was acting the way he was because of what happened and he would eventually move on from it. But he’s stuck in the past it seems. also, I guess I’ve been holding on to the good. He doesn’t always treat me bad, he makes me laugh, he buys me gifts, we have a lot in common, we have fun when we are together. He’s my best friend. I know I deserve to be treated better, sometimes I just think we’ve been through so much, and I’ve worked so hard that I’m just having a hard time letting it go.
  7. I think you are right @Cheetarah Since our dynamic has suffered for so long, and he’s not good with affirmation, sometimes I feel like “come on you gotta give me something”. I guess it’s a little weird, when we are together everything is really good that’s maybe 2 days a week... when we are apart which is most of the time, I don’t feel connected. I’m a successful single mom... he doesn’t make a lot of effort to be a part of our world when I’m not around. Maybe my frustration comes from his lack of effort and also knowing that he can send a dirty snap to his group chat every morning but can’t say anything to me, because he doesn’t want to “worship the ground I walk on”. Which I would never expect. But I never feel like a priority. He’s grown cold in other ways too- he’s told me he knows I love him more than he loves me, he often gets drunk and blacks out, doesn’t remember mean things he’s said. We do talk on the phone most nights, but I guess I’m upset that I’ve tried many times to set a boundary - i like subtle communication, It doesn’t need to be a whole conversation. if you can go to the bar and hang with your friends it’d be respectful to at least let me know! - and even just that little thing has become such a huge issue. If I did the same to him, he’d flip. When I go out he’s constantly wondering what I’m up to, where I am, who I’m with.
  8. My bf(28) and I (34) have been together almost 2 years. About 4 months into our relationship he went through something really humiliating to him involving friends back home spreading lies about him, and ever since he’s never been the same. To this day he’s held onto it and wants revenge, even though he hasn’t seen or spoken to these people in over a year. to add to that, he’s grown very cold with me. We don’t have sex anymore even though I ask, he doesn’t make plans for our future, he doesn’t pay much attention to me. He refuses to get any sort of help. And just says he’s different now, and that’s just the way it is. He says he loves me but even the littlest things are too much for him. For instance I’ve told him I need communication during the day, text me good morning or ask me how my day is... but he just doesn’t want to. It’s not that he’s too busy, he admits he has conversations with others on snap or text. He just thinks having to check in is cringey. I told him it’s just part of a normal relationship but he says “he’s not normal”. ive never been with someone so inconsiderate of how I feel. I just don’t understand how a text every now and then could be so daunting. our big fight was this past Sunday when he was at the bar... I called to ask if I could drop something off at his place and he ignored me twice. I think it’s dis respectful he thinks I’m trying to control him. I don’t care where he goes I just want to be in the know. Am I over reacting? Is asking him to communicate too much? What am I missing here?
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