Wife left me and the kids

[rs5674]

First time user, but here goes...

Wife (41) was offered a job out of state. Me (52) and her discussed and decided it was not worth it. Then she a month later she came home and said she was going to go check it out. She left 2 days later and came back a week later. She said she loved it and wanted us to relocate. She quit her job and left the next day. I was supportive, as a husband should be. I stayed with the kids to finish school. We talked and looked at houses for a month. Then she got her first check and went out drinking and did answer my calls or text for 2 days. The third day we talked and she informed me that this was all a plan to leave me and the kids. I offered to go counseling or work on our marriage but she said she thinks it may have gone too far. She said I should have seen it coming, but I never thought it was that bad. She was trying to stay busy and not think about it. We continued to chat but just as friends. She wasn't even talking with the kids ( 11, 12, 16 ).

She texted that she wanted us to visit, so I planned a trip. Leading up everyone was excited. The first 2 days were great and everything was like old times. The next day she went to work and came home in a bad mood. The rest of the week she worked later and later and her attitude to me became horrible and she stopped talking to the kids. It was a bad week with her obviously over stressed and not wanting us there. The morning we were leaving she spent crying in bed and not talking.

Two day after the kids and I came back she texted 'what if I want to come home?'. I offered support and told her to come home and we would make it work. She then said she made a mistake but she needed to live with it and make it successful. The next day I tested positive for Covid. She yelled at me for having it and the conversations stopped. I believe a few days later she may have gone on a date with someone, but she has hid and lied about things since.

Since then I have tried to be supportive but she is not happy with me and not answering calls and text. I have really tried not to push her but she is not talking to me or her family and just focused on her new life. She does not seem happy but she acts like she is going to stick it out and build her new life.

I have no one to talk to about what is going on. The kids are having a lot of questions. I am now dealing with covid and a lot of anxiety and have been obsessing over all of it. My mother has become very concerned and wants me to talk to a lawyer. I really would like my family back together but I have no idea what to do or how to act.

Any thoughts or advice. Should I focus on just being supportive and wait or should I start looking at lawyers?

 

[Cheetarah]

I’m sorry you’re sick.  Wishing you a speedy recovery.  
 

What she did was abhorrent.  She abandoned her children.  I agree with your mother that you should seek legal counsel. You don’t have to be bound to anything, but you do indeed need to know your options and safeguard your kids.  
 

But aside from that, what do you think was “not that bad” that she said you should have seen coming?  What sorts of problems were you having in the marriage? 

[Seraphim]

You should have a lawyer on speed dial. 

[rs5674]

2 minutes ago, Cheetarah said:

But aside from that, what do you think was “not that bad” that she said you should have seen coming?  What sorts of problems were you having in the marriage? 

The year of covid had both of us still working and the kids going to work with me. I was stressed and backed off on housework which she picked up (that is the only reason she has given me ). We had become less romantic and been quiet with each other, but no arguments. Just trying to get out of the covid life and get back to 'normal'. I just saw it as a down time, but she saw it as a lot worse. We have had issues in the past that were worse but she said it had been building for a while.

[rs5674]

5 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

You should have a lawyer on speed dial. 

She has only mentioned divorce once and then has backed away and not talked about it. She seems really confused and not herself. Everyone has been saying that. Are you thinking I should be the first to file paperwork and not give it time?

[Cheetarah]

5 minutes ago, rs5674 said:

The year of covid had both of us still working and the kids going to work with me. I was stressed and backed off on housework which she picked up (that is the only reason she has given me ). We had become less romantic and been quiet with each other, but no arguments. Just trying to get out of the covid life and get back to 'normal'. I just saw it as a down time, but she saw it as a lot worse. We have had issues in the past that were worse but she said it had been building for a while.

I think the most important thing you can do right now is get your legal ducks in a row.  Consult with one lawyer at minimum.  Gather as much information as you can. 

[Seraphim]

15 minutes ago, rs5674 said:

She has only mentioned divorce once and then has backed away and not talked about it. She seems really confused and not herself. Everyone has been saying that. Are you thinking I should be the first to file paperwork and not give it time?

You need to talk to a lawyer as she has abandoned your children. 

[SooSad33]

Aww wow, sorry you're going through this 😕 .

As she had mentioned, she had been considering this for a while... so the rest is just excuses.

Whether she is happy or not.. she chose to leave & start new. Was her choice, nothing you can do about that...

Yes, seek for legal advice. Since she is the one who left, I am sure if all seems well there- you & kids, they can/should remain with you ( her visitation - if she wants?).

It will be a while for you both to work on accepting all of this and adjust to the big changes going on, so be easy on yourself ❤️ .

You sound like a well-minded man/father- which is good! The kids need that.

This does happen a lot, so they will adjust & be okay, as long as they are not continously dragged into disputes, etc. and have some support ( you/family etc).

 

 

[rs5674]

47 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

This does happen a lot, so they will adjust & be okay, as long as they are not continously dragged into disputes, etc. and have some support ( you/family etc).

I do love her and wish this was not the situation. I am very concerned about divorce. I think a big part of me has never been able to even think about not having the family whole. I think this may cloud my judgement on making a move to end the marriage. She, however, appears to just want to walk away.

 

53 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

( her visitation - if she wants?)

This is what is confusing the most. She was always a good loving mother. That was her life until a few weeks away from us. Her love was our youngest and they would message her all the time. they told me one day that they were no longer aloud to text her in the morning cause she was busy at work. Now they only text her occasionally. I can not even comprehend how she has walked away from the kids. Our oldest and middle have only talked with her when they are around and the youngest is talking to her. She has never even reached out to the middle child directly and I see it affecting them. ....but I do understand the question mark and it concerns me

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, rs5674 said:

. My mother has become very concerned and wants me to talk to a lawyer

Yes, you need legal advice about abandonment, child support and ways to get divorced.

It's unclear if she has psychiatric issues, is having affairs or there was abuse involved.

Someone doesn't just flee without something going on.

There's a lot missing from the story. You mentioned marital issues. What were they?

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, rs5674 said:

That was her life until a few weeks away from us. Her love was our youngest and they would message her all the time. they told me one day that they were no longer aloud to text her in the morning cause she was busy at work. Now they only text her occasionally. I can not even comprehend how she has walked away from the kids.

aww , yeah..sad 😞  . . But, didn't you mention she had started to act off before she left, Re the kids? 

3 hours ago, rs5674 said:

I stayed with the kids to finish school. We talked and looked at houses for a month. Then she got her first check and went out drinking and did answer my calls or text for 2 days. The third day we talked and she informed me that this was all a plan to leave me and the kids. I offered to go counseling or work on our marriage but she said she thinks it may have gone too far. She said I should have seen it coming, but I never thought it was that bad. She was trying to stay busy and not think about it. We continued to chat but just as friends. She wasn't even talking with the kids

 

Either way... she started to act not herself for a while.. then to just jump up & leave- out of character.

If you wish, don't jump into legal affairs, just give it time. Time to see what more goes on - but don't expect much positive.

In ways, it seems like she's going thru many emotions and need to deal with her choices.... so leave her to it.

And you try to work thru your own.... remember, self care.  your kids need you. ❤️ 

Many have been thru this.. it is not easy, I know.. especially those who never saw it coming 😕 (always last to know).

[rs5674]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes, you need legal advice about abandonment, child support and ways to get divorced.

I feel like doing this is me taking steps to end it and I am concerned if that should be my focus. I do agree that she abandoned us, but if feels like something else is wrong.

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's unclear if she has psychiatric issues, is having affairs or there was abuse involved.

Someone doesn't just flee without something going on.

There was no abuse in our relationship. No physical or emotional abuse between us. She said that I was not romantic enough lately, but that was my stress level and I was not abusive just quiet. The only reason she has gave me was romantic and I wasn't helping around the house enough. That is a big reason I am so confused.

 

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

There's a lot missing from the story. You mentioned marital issues. What were they?

I am not sure what is missing but we had a great relationship with just some distance during the past year. We had been a great family and she appeared very happy until a few times during the last months. The marital issue we have faced in the past was a similar issue years ago. Not as bad but we became distant because of her work and one day she quit and moved back home leaving me with the kids to finish school, but not like this. We all came back home to be together again and were happy. Her mother asked what was going on because before this they spoke everyday and she was always talking about me and the kids and how great life was. Now her and her mother have not talked since she left. There has never been any cheating or abuse between us. I know she had things in her past but they didn't exist with us. This is a big reason I am confused and feel like I should be supportive and give her time.

[rs5674]

14 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

But, didn't you mention she had started to act off before she left, Re the kids? 

No. She didn't act up until she left. Her and the kids always had a good relationship. I may have said it wrong but she was great with the kids until she left. She did get a little stressed over the school issues during covid, but nothing that she did towards the kids. She always talked with both our moms and told them all the time how happy and how good things were with me and the kids. The kids adored her and now they seem to be a little confused and I am afraid hurt. I try to ask but I am worried what is in their heads. I have walked into a few conversation between them and they seem to be having some issues with what is going on with mom. The oldest had even made a comment that she was more interested in 'her new life' more than with them.

 

18 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

f you wish, don't jump into legal affairs, just give it time. Time to see what more goes on - but don't expect much positive.

In ways, it seems like she's going thru many emotions and need to deal with her choices.... so leave her to it.

I feel like I should be patient, but I keep hearing to talk to a lawyer to protect the kids. Is there something she could do if I don't take legal action? I know I should give her space and have been struggling to do that. Is it a bad thought to write and email telling her how I feel or is that more just a push? I know she told her mom that things were bad but she wasn't ready to talk to anyone yet.

 

27 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

And you try to work thru your own.... remember, self care.  your kids need you. ❤️ 

I know and I have been very focused on the kids. I have really tried to make a good space for them. I am sure I have been a little concerned and I hope they don't think dad is going crazy but I have probably been too caring lately. Really they seem happy here at home and, in hind sight, I should have left earlier during our visit with her, but I was being selfish and hoping she would come around.

[SooSad33]

Yeah, I understand all of your attempts at getting her to come around- but as I mentioned, she's probably had this set up internally for a while ( the dumper has it going on well before the dumpee is aware there's a problem) 😕 .

I suggest you do not bother with an email.  I am sure she knows what she has done AND how you're all feeling.  She is not clueless nor lacking feelings.

She has done this for reasons.. and now you are all trying to wrap your heads around all of this.

Is something difficult to deal with for all of you..so, let them 'vent' and reach out, if they choose- but dont over do it with them.

They know you're there for them.  But, with their age's, they will also talk with their friends, etc. - You are all having to work through this.

I can't really see her taking action - as she is the one who left all of you there. If anything , at least reach out, or look up online how this can be handled. ( I am sure she is wanting her own time where she is.. and for the kids best interest, is for you to remain with them, there, where you are). 

One day at a time.  Keep up with your own self care.. take a walk- get some air.. maybe journal to help 'get it out'? .. try to get your sleep etc.

[LootieTootie]

Sorry to hear you have covid. Hope you recover soon.

I think this might be a midlife crisis situation but then again, nobody really knows what why when or who except your wife. What anyone knows is really what she has been doing or not doing. I think your eldest is correct, she cares more about her new life. Kids are perceptive and typically when they are pre-teens and in their teens, they aren't as forgiving. You can't make it up to them that easy. 

Her first priority should always be her young children and she has left that role. If you are hoping she might come to her senses and come back home, ask yourself if you will be willing to forgive and forget. It is hard to trust someone after they do something so compulsive and turn it around to just blame the other party of not seeing it coming. 

Are you 100% you want her back when you know she might do this all over again without any warning?

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Is there someone else in the picture?

[MissCanuck]

11 hours ago, rs5674 said:

Wife (41) was offered a job out of state

Who else lives in this state?

I think you need to do some digging. Find out his name. 

What she has done not only to you but her own children is appalling. 

[rs5674]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is there someone else in the picture?

I really don't know. I know she works and goes out with her boss and a manager a lot. Her boss and her are together a lot but so is his wife. At this point I have really little information.

[rs5674]

29 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Who else lives in this state?

I think you need to do some digging. Find out his name. 

What she has done not only to you but her own children is appalling. 

I have friends in the area. They are not around her a lot but she puts on an act when she is around them. I think they are feeling uncomfortable about what is happening. I am really not sure if there is a 'him'.

[MissCanuck]

3 minutes ago, rs5674 said:

I am really not sure if there is a 'him'.

This is why I would do some digging. 

I have a feeling there is a lot you don't know here. 

[rs5674]

6 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

Are you 100% you want her back when you know she might do this all over again without any warning?

I do love her but there is now a lot to repair. I would work on whatever right now but I am starting to feel there are things that would need to happen now for that to be the case. The longer and more distant it gets the less I want to. I am starting to feel very sorry for her because of what she has done and I feel I am holding out for her to realize before it gets worse.

[Wiseman2]

No one just packs up, moves and lives another life somewhere without a reason. Your marriage was not as happy as you claim. 

Yes you need to consult an attorney. It doesn't mean filing for divorce, it means protecting your kids and finding out what's going on.

[Lambert]

Sorry for all this and the covid. yikes. when it rains it pours.

First of all, I think there's a lot you don't know.  There was something brewing under the surface unbeknownst to you, that is now the scorched earth your wife is half in and half out.

As much as this hurts and you love her, you have to put that all to the side and go into dad, protector mode for the kids.

What she is doing to them is AWFUL. And this anger, not talking to them,  leaving them,  then being normal is completely effed up on her part and very telling of her inability to think straight.

Talk to an attorney. Even if it's just talk now. Learn what your rights are as an abandoned spouse and father. 

Draw a hard line in the sand. She needs to get into therapy for the sake of the children. 

Be there for your kids. Be honest that you don't understand either but you know mom loves them and you do, too. And we will all get through this.  Bad times do come, but they also go.  And in life we all have to be strong and endure hard times, but still live life and find joy where we can.  That's where taco night, rides to get ice cream, long walks in the woods and game nights etc together come in.  

While your wife is off losing her crap, you do the only thing you can. You handle everything else. If she's having an affair, coming back or not, you can't know that now. That will all work itself out in time. The big things usually do.  You focus on today. Supporting the kids. Knowing your options and rights.  

[DancingFool]

I'm sorry for everything you have to deal with at once.

Unfortunately, given your wife's actions, you do need to speak to a lawyer asap. It doesn't mean that you need to file for a divorce today, but it does mean that you need to get informed on what you need to do to protect yourself and your children financially. Also, how to prevent her from draining accounts, running up debts, etc. If she will up and abandon her family just like that, she is already showing what she is capable of - believe it and focus on the critical self preservation type stuff. You can deal with emotions later. Right now....it's full on self defense mode for you.

Sane normal people don't just up and leave like that and you can pretty much bet your life that there is a "he" there somewhere. 

If you really need to know, then hire a PI and be sure to pay cash so she doesn't get wind of what's going on. Do it quietly and learn the truth. To be frank, the very fact that she would just abandon her family and children like that, complete rejection, is grounds enough for a divorce without any take backs. I know I know....but love.... You can love her from a safe divorced distance and let her prove to you then that she is worth taking back. I doubt that she will. Nobody ever imagines something like this happening to them. I'm sorry again for what you are faced with. Just know that you are not alone and you'll be fine in the end. Just do take practical steps to protect yourself and your family from whatever she is up to. Deal with emotions later.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, rs5674 said:

I do love her but there is now a lot to repair. I would work on whatever right now but I am starting to feel there are things that would need to happen now for that to be the case. 

Working on anything first requires knowing the truth. 

Even if it's a very painful truth, you can't work on an unknown. Is there a mental health issue? A substance abuse problem you're not aware of? Another man? You need to ask yourself the hard questions and do your research about what is really going on with her. 

You might not be able to extract the full story from her, but you're very clearly working with only a fraction of the complete picture.