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rs5674

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  1. The comment was to get proof of any behaviour that was not good for the kids. Drinking excessively, blacking out, etc. I am not near there to document or see that.
  2. I have a meeting with a lawyer. I know what is going on but being 100's of miles away, I have no idea of how to get proof. I am taking steps to protect us financially while making sure I do not broadcast what I am doing. Hopefully a lawyer will be able to advise me how to protect them better. I have been very basic and acknowledged where we are and that we are good. I have made sure they know how I feel and that I love them and they can say or ask me anything. I have told them they are always aloud to talk to their mother (they have phones and computers to message or facetime). I have never said anything negative to them about their mother or even the situation. I have been very cautious that I do not add to the issues they are having with her.
  3. I have told them that it is just us now and that mom is not here and I don't know if or when that will change. I have made sure that they know that they can talk to me or call their mother at anytime. I have let her show them how she feels and made sure that they know how I feel. I have not had a 'talk' about separation or divorce because I would rather it come from both of us. I do not want to cause more damage to the relationship with her or cause more damage or trauma. Every article I find online about talking to kids about divorce and separation starts with 'have the parents talk to them together'. Together and individually I have said to all of them that mom is not here, but I am and we will be ok and assured them that I am here for whatever they need or want to talk about. Pushing them is probably not a good word. I thought that it may be better to encourage them to do something so they do not regret it later. I have not shielded them from how it is, just the details of what is really going on. I know they see where we are and I have tried to make sure they know that I am here, love them, and they can ask or tell me anything. I have never said anything negative to them about their mother. I do not want to manage their relationship with her, but I do want them to do what they feel is right for them, not her.
  4. I would not tell the kids. I have shielded them as much as I can. I don't want them to know what is going on but they obviously are picking up on things. If they found out anything, I don't think they would forgive her. Honestly, I have shielded her from what the kids comments are because she doesn't want me to say things that 'make it harder'. Kids are 11, 12, 16. The only people that I have said anything to are the mothers ( her and mine) although I have really kept it vague and left out a lot because I don't want them getting too upset. Mine is around the kids so she started asking questions. Also found out she was checking her locations of the family app (which I never added on my phone) and she saw that she was spending the night a different peoples houses. She is not happy with my SO. Her mom and I don't see each other much, but she has not talked to her daughter in months so started texting me and asking what was happening. Again I have tried to be discreet and kept many things to myself. Her mother is very worried and keeps apologizing for how her daughter is acting. Last text I got was 'she will regret this'. I don't want to turn her family against her so I have tried to be cautious but they can see what is happening. I know staying in a toxic or dysfunctional marriage would be bad. To them, mom is just gone. I do not bad mouth or tell them anything negative. I have tried to make it so they would be accepting if she came back but the oldest seems to be getting fed up with her not being here.
  5. Yeah. I have noticed that I am overcompensating with them and making sure they are good. We do game nights movie nights and I ask them if they are ok every 10 min. I worry about them and try to make sure they are good.
  6. I wouldn't. I just hope they don't blame me. I am reducing communication to a minimum. I will look for another lawyer, mostly cause I didn't like the consult. I am looking online for someone to call tomorrow. I am also going to talk with work and see is I can get more cash to help. My kids come to work when they don't have school (covid) and work has figured out what is going on. The teachers at work have come to me this past week and said they think the kids are going through something because they aren't acting like themselves.
  7. Yes. I plan on honoring what they kids want. I am sure it will come back on me but I think at that point I need to stop shielding me wife and say the kids didn't want to. We visited a while back and had a great weekend. When she went to work it got really ugly. She told me to leave her alone and didn't talk to the kids. She stayed at work later and didn't come home till midnight 2 days. I felt horrible for what I put the kids through trying to give them time with their mother. I talk to her mom. I try to be cautious on what I say and have kept the bad parts out. She has stopped talking to her family when she use to talk every day. Her mom has tried to keep me hopeful but last text from her was 'she will regret this'. Her family is worried and if they knew everything I do, I think it would be worse. Only my mother knows because she is around us a lot. She doesn't know everything but started asking questions and I told her some. She is starting to really dislike her. She is upset about how she has been withthe kids. She wants to say something to her, but my mom might kick her a** if that happens. They think she is just there working, but obviously they are feeling like she is gone. She sent a picture on time from a bar with coworkers and my oldest was not happy about it. We have a short separations in the past with work, but this is longer and we always talked with the kids daily. I think they know this is not normal.
  8. Are you saying I should ask the kids if they want us to divorce? I am not sure that would be my approach. I have tried not to let them know anything is wrong. I have shielded them from this. She sent a picture one time of her at the bar with a bunch of coworkers and my oldest said well looks like mom is having fun without us. Then we visited her so they could see her and she didn't spend any real time with them. My oldest told the others that mom is too busy for us. All of this broke my heart but I did not do that to them.
  9. Divorce did? When you were a kid? Yeah my SO went through a rough time when her parents divorced. She rebelled and I don't think ever got over it. Thats is one of the big reasons I have had a hard time understanding her actions. My parents had a rough life and I grew up with a dad that was on the brink of death the whole time. They had issues but never split. Thats part of the reason I have trouble doing it. Just seems like the reasons aren't enough to destroy the kids lives over.
  10. Yes. I was thinking I would just see if she called but idk. My daughter has a birthday coming up right after and I am focused on making it a good event. Maybe I should text and see if she wants that. I have felt that she really doesn't want the kids interfering in her new life. I have told her the kids miss her and she has yelled at me for trying to make her feel bad.
  11. No. I did want her back but I think that reconciling would be more difficult than she could handle and would not even try. Waiting a year to get it counted as abandonment would be hard. Not to mention the entire year I would have to worry that she showed up or come to get the kids and stop the clock. Just don't know that with those standards the court will see it as abandonment.
  12. Try to keep the family together, but I am seeing that she is not an angel in their eyes. She had a great relationship with all of them before she left, but I see that they are seeing it as being gone. Thats what surprised me about them not wanting to do anything.
  13. I read the standards for spousal abandonment and where I am, it says 1 year and no support (money) from a spouse is what they consider abandonment and if the spouse shows up for one month the clock starts again. I am worried that would be hard to wait out.
  14. She has become a heavy drinker since she left, passing out at different places. I have struggled with being the one that files cause I don't want the kids to think I didn't try.
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