Lost and confused.

[Anon]

Hey,

I've never done something like this so it feels a bit strange to me. I don't have many people in my life I can openly talk to about my personal issues, especially when it comes to relationships so I thought maybe being anonymous and the opinions of others might help. Its a bit of a long read.

 

TLDR: I still care for my GF but the relationship feels 1 sided and I don't know if I still love her. I feel trapped and neglected and don't see a way out of the relationship.

 

Lately Ive been questioning whether of not I still love my girlfriend. We have been together for a couple of years and started dating in our last year of high school after knowing each other since the beginning of high school. Our relationship is pretty complicated; she is a Christian and I am not. I am not against Christianity or religion in general and respect those who can commit themselves to it, however I am yet to fully make a commitment to one religion. My GFs mother is strongly against her dating a non Christian and is against the idea of us together, to the point of threatening to kick her out the home if she does chose to be in a relationship with me. So for the past couple years I have just been seen as a good friend in her parents eyes. My parents know and are happy with her and as far as I know support the relationship.

My GFs love language is quality time which I try and please her with. I always try to make time for her whenever she calls me or asks to spend time together like grabbing a bite to eat. I also love this but my love language is physical touch, so my ideal date is to just watch a movie at home, get take out and cuddle together and just relax. We have never done this though as we have to hide the relationship from her parents and doing a date night like that takes too much time compared to us getting dinner after university together and catching the train home. This is something I have voiced but there isn't much we can do about it. Also due to her being a Christian, we have never really had sex which is a bit frustrating but I can respect her choices and said I am willing to wait. It feels like there is no compromise for me and I am putting all the effort into this relationship.

My GF also suffers from anxiety and goes through episodes of depression. She is highly sensitive and makes bringing up issues very difficult. Most times we don't get to solve the problem if I bring something up as she just shuts down. I was similar to this at the beginning of our relationship and still on occasion also shut down but as I know its not a healthy mechanism I try not to. This just makes it hard to even get my point across and as of late I have been questioning if I am even happy anymore.

A part of me feels trapped in this relationship because she has told me on multiple occasions that "You are the best thing to ever happen to me, Im so glad God put you in my life." and "If it wasn't for you, I would have probably killed myself". She didn't say this with the intention of making me feel trapped but in times where I question the relationship this is always at the back of my mind.

Lately I have been feeling really neglected as we haven't spent alone time together in months let alone go on a date. This is mostly due to COVID but lately it feels as though she never has time for me. For example, I asked her if she would want to go on a date together as we haven't in a long time on Friday (I asked around Saturday) and she said she had too busy with university work and was overwhelmed. However on the Friday, she messaged me and told me she was going out with one of our mutual male friends for lunch because he sounded upset. I don't think she is cheating on me but I just feel like I'm worthless. This has happened multiple times. If put a lot into this relationship and I know she has risked a lot too but I don't know what to do about how I feel anymore. Its getting to the point where I don't really find happiness in anything and find any face to face social interaction so draining because I have to act like everything is fine and I'm happy. I don't know what to do anymore. I still really care about her and want her to be happy but its taking a toll on me and I have no one I can turn to. My male friends suck at emotional talk. 

I'm not suicidal and have never been clinically diagnosed but I believe I am also prone to depression episodes (although less than my GF) and have anxiety. Sometimes my anxiety is so bad I cant eat anything without throwing up. I went to the doctor with my stepmum once in high school but they just told me to relax and recommended I drink tea which didn't do anything. I know this isn't the end of the world but I just feel really bad and don't see a way out. 

Id appreciate anyone's advice/opinion. Sorry for the long read, I tried to condense it but this has built up for a long time.

 

Thank you.

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. First off, go to a physician for the moods and anxiety. Get an evaluation and referral to a therapist.

Secondly, you're not compatible in the long run. She and her family are going to have a strict set of rules, etc. that you would have to toe the line for.

You don't want that. Be yourself. Part of what's eating you is that she keeps you her dirty little secret.

Free yourself from this sham. She's only going to hurt you when she starts dating a christian guy.

Besides that, she's stunting your growth having to follow rules that do not apply to you.

Google "flirt to convert". It's kind of creepy but it happens.

[MissCanuck]

It's time to break up. 

This relationship is not working and is not mutually-satisfying. Your needs are not being met, and you two are incompatible on some significant levels. 

Set yourself free. 

[Anon]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. First off, go to a physician for the moods and anxiety. Get an evaluation and referral to a therapist.

Secondly, you're not compatible in the long run. She and her family are going to have a strict set of rules, etc. that you would have to toe the line for.

You don't want that. Be yourself. Part of what's eating you is that she keeps you her dirty little secret.

Free yourself from this sham. She's only going to hurt you when she starts dating a christian guy.

Besides that, she's stunting your growth having to follow rules that do not apply to you.

Google "flirt to convert". It's kind of creepy but it happens.

Thanks for the advice.

Ive always worried about losing myself and becoming someone else just to please my GF. I knew of the 'flirt to convert' but never really thought about it much as Im already fairly open minded to religion. I will definitely get myself checked in the near future.

Thanks again 🙂 

[Anon]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

It's time to break up. 

This relationship is not working and is not mutually-satisfying. Your needs are not being met, and you two are incompatible on some significant levels. 

Set yourself free. 

It is hard to see a future together at this point in time due to our differences.

Thanks for your advice 🙂

[smackie9]

Obviously you are at the end of the road here. There's usually a lot of guilt involved that keeps you from making your decision. You don't want to hurt them and you don't want to fee the pain of heartache...the good news it, that goes away.

I hope you are able to transition out of this relationship, and find peace, happiness as you move on.

[DancingFool]

Sometimes, depression and anxiety are your body's way of telling you that your life is a mess and needs fixing. In this case, this relationship has always been a mess and it's a really good example for you in terms of what not to get involved with or tolerate when it comes to dating and relationships. The simple answer here is that this relationship should have ended a long time ago and so...just end it. You are not stuck in anything here. As for the lessons to take away from this....

First thing is never agree to be someone's dirty secret no matter how convincing of a reason they have for that. Choose to live truth rather than lies and hiding around. Lies and hiding around create stress which and a sense of low worth which leads to depression and anxiety even if you are not consciously able to connect those dots.

Second thing is dating and relationship have a purpose - to determine if you are both happy and compatible and should carry on or not. When you find yourself unhappy and mostly incompatible, that's your clue to end the relationship and seek others.

Third is rather than getting lost in the "it's complicated" look at how you are being treated because that part is not complicated at all. She has been distant and treating you like an afterthought for a long time now. When your partner doesn't treat you well and you cannot address or resolve that quickly and effectively, you part ways for good. Just looking in from the outside, it really seems like she is doing a slow fade on you anyway. Clinging on to someone who isn't kind to you is again a really good way to end up feeling worthless and depressed and anxious.

Finally, the biggest lesson of all is that when the relationship is going downhill, it's important to recognize that, address it and if things don't improve, end it before you end up completely miserable. Healthy relationships will leave you feeling good about yourself, happy, safe, and sane. If you find yourself in a situation where you are feeling the opposite of all that, then you end things and walk away. Don't drag it out. Knowing when to end things cleanly is a relationship/dating skill you need to master. There will be a lot of women that you meet who will seem great but turn out to be wrong for you. You have to learn how not to waste years on the wrong person because life is too short for that.

[Tinydance]

I agree that you need to see a doctor about your anxiety and depression. If you're so anxious that you throw up, I don't think drinking tea is going to help unfortunately! I love tea but you need professional help. 

Regarding your girlfriend...I know that not all relationships last forever, but when people are in  relationship they see a future with that person. For the two of you to have a future, you would either need to convert to your girlfriend's religion or she will have to stand up to her parents and tell them that she wants to be with you no matter what. If neither of these things happen then your relationship simply won't work. It's not about sex but it's about the fact that you're not really part of your girlfriend's life and your relationship is very limited. You can't even go on proper dates and have to sneak around. I know you love her but you are really incompatible. I know it seems scary to lose a girl you love and I don't mean to sound unfeeling but there are plenty more girls out there. You could easily be in a relationship with a girl that's much more suitable to you.

[rchubn]

I think you're the issue.

I feel bad for her and although this will probably hurt her even more you should just break up with her. It doesn't seem like you're mature enough for a serious relationship and you're not willing to do the work. You're basing how much you love her on how available she is to you and what YOU can get out of the relationship because she's busy with school and doesn't float around you all day. 

Something you should realize: even if you guys get married in the future youre not going to be her main focus 24/7. Her job isn't to keep her life on hold so she can entertain you all day/whenever you want. You need to give before you take. She has needs to and you've stated in your post that you're uncomfortable with those needs.