I've never done something like this so it feels a bit strange to me. I don't have many people in my life I can openly talk to about my personal issues, especially when it comes to relationships so I thought maybe being anonymous and the opinions of others might help. Its a bit of a long read.
TLDR: I still care for my GF but the relationship feels 1 sided and I don't know if I still love her. I feel trapped and neglected and don't see a way out of the relationship.
Lately Ive been questioning whether of not I still love my girlfriend. We have been together for a couple of years and started dating in our last year of high school after knowing each other since the beginning of high school. Our relationship is pretty complicated; she is a Christian and I am not. I am not against Christianity or religion in general and respect those who can commit themselves to it, however I am yet to fully make a commitment to one religion. My GFs mother is strongly against her dating a non Christian and is against the idea of us together, to the point of threatening to kick her out the home if she does chose to be in a relationship with me. So for the past couple years I have just been seen as a good friend in her parents eyes. My parents know and are happy with her and as far as I know support the relationship.
My GFs love language is quality time which I try and please her with. I always try to make time for her whenever she calls me or asks to spend time together like grabbing a bite to eat. I also love this but my love language is physical touch, so my ideal date is to just watch a movie at home, get take out and cuddle together and just relax. We have never done this though as we have to hide the relationship from her parents and doing a date night like that takes too much time compared to us getting dinner after university together and catching the train home. This is something I have voiced but there isn't much we can do about it. Also due to her being a Christian, we have never really had sex which is a bit frustrating but I can respect her choices and said I am willing to wait. It feels like there is no compromise for me and I am putting all the effort into this relationship.
My GF also suffers from anxiety and goes through episodes of depression. She is highly sensitive and makes bringing up issues very difficult. Most times we don't get to solve the problem if I bring something up as she just shuts down. I was similar to this at the beginning of our relationship and still on occasion also shut down but as I know its not a healthy mechanism I try not to. This just makes it hard to even get my point across and as of late I have been questioning if I am even happy anymore.
A part of me feels trapped in this relationship because she has told me on multiple occasions that "You are the best thing to ever happen to me, Im so glad God put you in my life." and "If it wasn't for you, I would have probably killed myself". She didn't say this with the intention of making me feel trapped but in times where I question the relationship this is always at the back of my mind.
Lately I have been feeling really neglected as we haven't spent alone time together in months let alone go on a date. This is mostly due to COVID but lately it feels as though she never has time for me. For example, I asked her if she would want to go on a date together as we haven't in a long time on Friday (I asked around Saturday) and she said she had too busy with university work and was overwhelmed. However on the Friday, she messaged me and told me she was going out with one of our mutual male friends for lunch because he sounded upset. I don't think she is cheating on me but I just feel like I'm worthless. This has happened multiple times. If put a lot into this relationship and I know she has risked a lot too but I don't know what to do about how I feel anymore. Its getting to the point where I don't really find happiness in anything and find any face to face social interaction so draining because I have to act like everything is fine and I'm happy. I don't know what to do anymore. I still really care about her and want her to be happy but its taking a toll on me and I have no one I can turn to. My male friends suck at emotional talk.
I'm not suicidal and have never been clinically diagnosed but I believe I am also prone to depression episodes (although less than my GF) and have anxiety. Sometimes my anxiety is so bad I cant eat anything without throwing up. I went to the doctor with my stepmum once in high school but they just told me to relax and recommended I drink tea which didn't do anything. I know this isn't the end of the world but I just feel really bad and don't see a way out.
Id appreciate anyone's advice/opinion. Sorry for the long read, I tried to condense it but this has built up for a long time.