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The WORST thing you can do to me is yell at me and throw my past at me.


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Hi this  post is going to have nothing to do with another topic that I posted ad nauseum about 2 years ago  I am noy going to make this long. This has been going on before and after the story. The biggest mistake I ever made in my life (Yes bigger than my other story) is when I fell in love with my wife I opened too much about the past. The worst thing you could ever do to me is yell at me. Yet I do know there are times I deserve it when I make a mess or I get absent minded about something she has told me over and over again. I keep things close to the vest so to speak but when I fell in love with my wife I became an open book and told her WAY too much about my past and now when she is mad (not all but aloud) and will throw my past in my face, I know I do things to make her angry. I just sit there and say NOTHING and when I do I just make it worse. It is not an all the time thing but I sometimes never know what is going to set her off and the things I do know I will just avoid and sometimes there is no reason like we will be having a nice day and she will start with How my life could have been better if I was not scared to tale that Supervisor job and how could I be content with being a regular worker and I am a failure and stuff (She may be right about that) Don't get me wrong she does a lot cooks for me but my appreciation goes out the window when she does this to me. This has been going on  Before and After the story I wrote in emotions and feelings only now that is added to the mix. The worst one happened 10 years ago. We went to her sister's house and her sister gave us some stuff to bring home. We were about a half hour onto the highway and we realized that I forgot it she made me turn around and go back (No problem there). and for the rest of the drive home berating me with things like YOU SHOULD KILL YOURSELF LIKE YOUR BROTHER and I said NOTHING I just focused on my driving. I never told my wife this but I would rather she not cook for me I would rather she have sex with me because she thinks I would have actually  had sex with that girl in my other story ( As for that other story Sex fantasy? Yes Actual Sex? No) and while that would hurt I could understand it because I got too emotional with someone else) BUT THE WORST THING is betraying my trust by throwing it back into my face and saying things like kill myself like my brother and stuff. For those who did read my srory in Emotion and Feelings, This in NO way excuses or changes the wrongs I did in that story. Do not get me wrong it can be very easy sometimes to use it as an excuse because I got depressed and I  was (I am not saying clinical) But if I don't take personal responsibility for my actions I cannot grow and If yoiu think about it I am even responsible here I do not set boundaries and I do not stand up for myself. It does not matter that I am scared to a coward or whatever nut the bottom line if I have failed myself WHo knows maybe if I would have I would not have been in whatever mental state that led to my other story happening Have a greay day

t

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first of all, it is egregious that anyone would say such a thing as to take your own life. This is psychological abuse. You trusted her enough to share things with her, and your intention was for support, not to have it thrown back at you. I would say to her, I don't look back, I am not going that way! She is clearly abusive and this punishment, shaming and lack of respect is not something anyone deserves. You need to remove this person from your life fo your own mental health end emotional safety. 

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3 hours ago, Mets6986 said:

we will be having a nice day and she will start with How my life could have been better if I was not scared to tale that Supervisor job and how could I be content with being a regular worker and I am a failure and stuff (She may be right about that) Don't get me wrong she does a lot cooks for me but my appreciation goes out the window when she does this to me.

-she cooks for you...does a lot?  So what... She is vicious.

She is a nasty person.  No one deserves that kind of treatment.

One does not need to be belittled due to their 'past'.

 

3 hours ago, Mets6986 said:

I forgot it she made me turn around and go back (No problem there). and for the rest of the drive home berating me with things like YOU SHOULD KILL YOURSELF LIKE YOUR BROTHER and I said NOTHING I just focused on my driving.

-This is sooo awful!  Wow 😞 

I would have walked long ago...

 

3 hours ago, Mets6986 said:

This in NO way excuses or changes the wrongs I did in that story. Do not get me wrong it can be very easy sometimes to use it as an excuse because I got depressed and I  was (I am not saying clinical) But if I don't take personal responsibility for my actions I cannot grow and If yoiu think about it I am even responsible here I do not set boundaries and I do not stand up for myself. It does not matter that I am scared to a coward or whatever nut the bottom line if I have failed myself WHo knows maybe if I would have I would not have been in whatever mental state that led to my other story happening

Well, your experience with her surely doesn't help you at all 😞 

I get the feeling she has made you feel like dirt.. like hardly worthwhile.. but more worthless?

And you are still with her... why?

Did you not admit, your big mistake was being with this..'wife'? (marrying her?)

Talk about a Cruela Devil.  Pathetic behaviour...right?

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19 hours ago, Mets6986 said:

for the rest of the drive home berating me with things like YOU SHOULD KILL YOURSELF LIKE YOUR BROTHER and I said NOTHING I just focused on my driving.

That is so mean 😢 and undeserved.

It sounds like she has a terrible temper.

You are supposed to be able to trust the people you love, not fear them.

Have you spoken to her about this?

Edited by Jibralta
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I don't know why you're both together. You cheated on on your wife with a girl who was very young and the marriage has all sorts of abusive and manipulative issues. You verbally abuse each other, emotionally cheat on each other and are still together. Is there cultural pressure to stay together? Do both of you have nowhere to go if you separate? 

Why do you both want to make this work? 

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Yes the mere fact that I got way too emotional with another woman whether I meant to or not means I emotionally cheated. We do not verbally abuse each other, She verbally abuses me and I do not set boundaries. I talked once about being responsible for my own actions and I asked her once if I am responsible for the way she treats me and she said Yes I am and she has a point if I was not so forgetful too selfish about sports where I left her alone to go to all those games whem we bought the house it is understandable her abusive behavior and on the flip side my therapist told me that I wes so starved for female attention that it was only a matter of time. When he told me this, I rold him But I was never going tp have sex with her, He told me it was not about sex just the fact she showed you attention was enough. It is just as easy for me to blame my sins on my wife as she blames her sins on me. I cannot make my wife see she that she is responsible for her sins even if I am the reason why. But I know THAT IT IS my responsibilty to own up for my actions no matter what the reasons. As for why I want to make this work? Despite everything we get along well but it can be so much better if she would stop throwing things in my face, Because I do not know whch is more harnful The fact that she throws stuff back in my face or the fact that I no longer share things with her from my past if she will use it against me someday. Bye the way whether it is really pathetic how I am when I am being screamed at and she brings up the past I don't fight (ser boundaries) I don't flee (One time I ledt but came back when she ordered me)  I just frezze and do nothing These are things I need ro overcome but failed tp do so. As fpr leavimg For the longest time I had no options but if things do not improve Maybe moving bye myself into a hotel is an option someday if I don;t fix myself Because that is the only thing I can do. ( I can/t fix her she has to do that for her self).

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Are you still in therapy? Do you think she would go to counselling with you?

I read somewhere that people have affairs for different reasons. Sometimes the reasons are fixable, sometimes they are not.

By this logic, your emotional affair falls on the 'fixable' side, as you were seeking to fill a void in your marriage. I'm not saying it was ok to do what you did, because you always had other options. But you weren't just out for personal gratification, the way that some people are.

I think that you are right that there is a shared responsibility in marriage. Your wife is not responsible for your actions toward the woman at work. But she is responsible for maintaining a healthy relationship with you, which she does not do. It sounds like she has problems of her own that she needs to work through. Anger issues. 

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