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Trying to understand what went wrong?


johnmillerino

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Not sure if this should be in cyber "relationships", but yeah ūüėõ.

Long story short: I matched with someone off hinge a few weeks ago. Messaged each other until 7pm or so. She mentioned she's an elementary school teacher,  it's insane right now with covid, asked about my dog, her dog, etc.  

 

Anyways, she then sends "Got anything special going on today?", and I replied back with "Ha, not really hbu?"  (paraphrasing, because message log is gone)

 

No reply for  a few days, so I double texted. Then, still no reply for 13 days, but still matched. I just noticed yesterday I was unmatched.

 

Obviously I'm still swiping right and not letting this affect me too much, but I do wonder, is there anything I could learn from this or fix what I did wrong? I started using these apps about a month ago.

 

One thing I did notice, when we were talking about our dogs, she's like "Ok. So you have 2 dogs, that's cool.".  I felt like a student there for a second, maybe that's why?

 

Any insight/advice is appreciated!

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Crystal ball stuff here.  No clue and the only take away from this is to manage your expectations for strangers in the internet

What you described is pretty typical.  The fact that it catches you off guard and questioning suggests you're new at OLD?

"Trying to understand what went wrong".  Nothing.  It's just how it works, unfortunately.

Remain resilient and keep moving fwd.

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3 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You are just an option just like anyone else...she chatted a little, then probably wasn't interested. That's how it works. If you are interested, you ask them to meet. It can be just a walk in the dog park.

 Maybe I should have taken initiative when she asked that then? I just didn't want to ask too soon, of risk of coming off as creepy. I think that's why I just said nm, hbu.

 

After reading your post, it  actually makes sense though, wow 

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"Got anything special going on today?", that's her hinting that you should ask her out... and I replied back with "Ha, not really hbu?" that told her you are not interested.

You shouldn't wait for that right? Everyone is on a dating app to get dates. Women naturally wait for the guy to step up and ask them out.....get it? good now go get them tiger!

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2 hours ago, johnmillerino said:

Anyways, she then sends "Got anything special going on today?", and I replied back with "Ha, not really hbu?"  (paraphrasing, because message log is gone)

 

No reply for  a few days, so I double texted. Then, still no reply for 13 days, but still matched. I just noticed yesterday I was unmatched.

 

Obviously I'm still swiping right and not letting this affect me too much, but I do wonder, is there anything I could learn from this or fix what I did wrong? I started using these apps about a month ago.

Basic chat... meant nothing.

Please do NOT get all concerned on the 'Match stuff' . . Sooo many people use these sites.. And many will 'chat'... do not expect that the first person who speaks to you will work out.  It won't..  

Nothing to fix... YOU did nothing wrong.

Women are constantly being approached... one could chat to 30 guys before any real interest... So, you leave it and move along.

IF they are truly interested, they will continue talking with you and not about your dogs.

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Is this your first time doing online dating? Online dating is very brutal. A lot of people are flakes, catfish, bail on you, waste your time, etc. One thing that maybe you did do wrong is you talked online too long and you didn't actually suggest to meet. Although I'm not sure how long you were actually talking all together? I personally don't want to just talk online and I want to meet in person. If they don't organise to meet within a week or so of talking, I lose interest as well. Having said that, maybe you did nothing wrong at all. She was just talking to other guys and maybe she had more preference to some of the other people. 

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I know I got frustrated with guys who didn't ask me out after a few weeks of texting, e-mails, and phone calls. I wasn't comfortable going on a date unless I'd had at least one phone call. But that progression needed to happen, because until you meet in person, it's all fantasyland. Meeting for the first time is when you determine chemistry, and if you enjoyed each other's company for that brief time.

It's not creepy to ask someone out after several weeks of communication. The point is to date, not be pen pals. And if you go longer than that without a date, it'll take you 10 times longer to find a girlfriend. Because in my experience, 9 out of 10 times, either I or the guy didn't want another date after the first meet up. It was more rare to find someone whereas we were both interested. 

Good luck. I had to learn a lot through the process, and you will to.

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I think what you can learn from this is: matching on line means nothing.

One or both of you could: have swiped or liked or whatever by mistake, be a catfish, already in a relationship, just looking to chat with someone for entertainment, met someone they like better, just not that interested. 

If the conversation is going no where, a person is going to bounce on you.  If you are really interested in someone, don't assume just responding is going to keep the back and forth going. 

If you're truly interested, put more effort into the responses/ questions.  the old how 'bout you and a haha.... BOR-ING!

You don't know this person.  But you want to know them, right? Act like it. Ask questions about their interests, their free time,  how they're keeping busy during a global pandemic. If someone sends me the "big plans for the weekend? " I'm immediately turned off.. like what the heck?  who has big plans right now?  Yeah my plans are to change my pajamas at some point today. 

Also the how are you?  a big snoozer of a question.  If you never talked to a person before, what are they supposed to say? other than "good and you?" 

Even something silly like... I was making pancakes just as I got your message.  What's your favorite go to meal? And whatever they say,  relate it to some where you've been,  something you make, or one of your favorites.  Or you could say the same thing with music, books, movies, whatever...

You should be trying to decide if this is a person worth meeting or having a phone call with.... don't message forever. 

Good luck!

 

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I thanked the posts, appreciate it.

Regarding the chat, my comment on hinge was about how her teeth were brighter than my future, she matched on that and said it really made her day and appreciated it. Then it just flowed from there. Some things I remember: I asked if her dog was a shih tzu and she mentioned yes omg how did you know!? Then told her about my shih tzu, then she mentioned her old shih tzu died at 14 and it was his time. I was sympathetic, then we talked about how some teachers had to pay out of pocket for zoom software, how crazy covid and virtual school is, how learning in-person than online is better, her passion for teaching, etc. I don't know, I just tried to stay reciprocal and match the length of the responses.   

@Tinydance yup! started about a month ago. I don't really think I can do it much longer, because I get so emotionally attached to the conversations. The reason why is because of what Lambert said, I don't want to sound dull.  I've heard you are supposed to setup and meet ASAP, but at the same time, I don't want to do it so fast because it may be a huge turn off. It seems like everyone is just different and it entirely depends on each individual "virtual connection" if that makes sense.

In any event, I appreciate the attentiveness to my post, and feel so much better letting all this out.  

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23 minutes ago, johnmillerino said:

 

Regarding the chat, my comment on hinge was about how her teeth were brighter than my future, she matched on that and said it really made her day and appreciated it. Then it just flowed from there. Some things I remember: I asked if her dog was a shih tzu and she mentioned yes omg how did you know!? Then told her about my shih tzu, then she mentioned her old shih tzu died at 14 and it was his time. I was sympathetic, then we talked about how some teachers had to pay out of pocket for zoom software, how crazy covid and virtual school is, how learning in-person than online is better, her passion for teaching, etc. I don't know, I just tried to stay reciprocal and match the length of the responses.   

 

Ya sounds like you did nothing wrong. Honestly like someone said, crystal ball here... 

Online dating is filled with people with all kinds of personalities, quirks and paces... And no one wants to come off creepy or strong so small chat first and if it materializes, great- if not, you can just check the box you spoke to her. 

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10 hours ago, johnmillerino said:

I've heard you are supposed to setup and meet ASAP, but at the same time, I don't want to do it so fast because it may be a huge turn off. It seems like everyone is just different and it entirely depends on each individual "virtual connection" if that makes sense.

 

Personally, cultivating a virtual connection first is not a motivation for some.  Because most men I might have connected with virtually, I didn't have the same connection real time.   All the different dimensional aspects of them are unknown and we tend to fill in the blanks from our mental wishlist..  The two rarely ever match up.

If the point is to ultimately have real time relationship I didn't want to spend my time virtually connecting with men and have not go anywhere.

That and there a larger number of people on OLD who are just wanting an electronic friendship.  Invest a lot of time chatting and getting attached and it's likely you will find they never intended on meeting you anyway.   

If I got the sense they wanted to pursue a daily dialog, I'd 'next' them.  For me, if the first or second chat went well Id move it to a phone call.  Any hesitation was enough to make me move on.

She might have sensed this with you.   

You do whatever makes you feel uncomfortable.  Just know a lot of people have had their precious time wasted by people who aren't available and looking for online entertainment, not a relationship.  Just keep that in mind when you second guess asking them to meet for coffee. It's not a date.  It's just an opportunity to meet.  I think you'll be surprised if you go about it differently.

Good luck!

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