Should I give this another chance or should I move on without closure?

[Lunatique93]

Hello, so I met this guy online, we instantly clicked and we have many things in common. He's 28, has a son from a previous relationship, a new business and lives 3 hours away from me. At the beginning it was all great, we talked every day. Then one day he disappeared for 4 days, I honestly thought that he ghosted me. He came back and we made amends. After his act of disappearence I became even more anxious about the situation. Oh, I forgot to mention that we have had sexting. That's something that I never did before so I think that made me more vulnerable. So one day I decided I had enough of that anxiety and he was giving me mixed signals, so I decided to take some space. We didn't talk for a month and a half and I was moving on, I even deleted his phone number without feeling anything. He came back at the beginning of december... 

During that first week I was neutral and curious about why he came back, he talked to me every single day of that week, until one night we had a deep conversation. I told him how I felt and why I decided to take some space, he said he was sorry, that it wasn't his intention. I also asked him why he didn't say anything when I decided to take that space and he said that it hurt and if that's how I felt, he didn't want to think about it. So we had that chat on a thursday night and the next day he sent me a message that said something like: "Hey, I'm not ignoring you or anything, I just went to the dentist, I'm gonna pick up my son and hit the gym, so yeah super busy, I'm letting you know as you asked" so yeah after that he didn't text me at the weekends anymore but it turns out that after that chat we had, I started to fantasise about us again because finally he set a date for us to meet when in the past he was reluctant... 

I also must say that one night we had an argument and I asked him if he was really interested in getting to know me for real and he said that he was interested but he was also being cautious because he has been in these kind of situations before and they never end well.

Also, we never met in person, we were supposed to do so this month but we are now in full lockdown again…

Now, it's been 2 weeks since I heard from him. The last time we talked was on New Year's Day. We were both drunk and texting silly things. The last message I sent him read something like "Are u falling asleep?", and that's all, no word from him since then. You might wondering why I don't reach out first and it's because most of the time I was the one texting him first and I wanted to see if he would reach out... I guess not.

These past 2 weeks have been awful for me. I already have anxiety and depression problems so this whole situation has made me feel worse.

Lately I've been thinking of reaching out to him to get some sort of closure again but at the same time, I'm afraid of what he has to say or that he would just ignore my message. I don't know what to do, that's why I'm here to ask for some advice. Should I move on from him or should I reach out one last time?

[MissCanuck]

I think this guy has a girlfriend or is married, OP. I'd put money on it. 

This is why it's so important not to get emotionally attached to internet strangers. You don't really know him or what his backstory is, what he does day to day, who he spends time with. 

For this reason, I would not bother reaching out to him again. Closure will come not from him, but from your acceptance that this was not going to go anywhere. 

[Wiseman2]

Have you met in person? Is he married/in another relationship?

Be careful of people who seek out someone 3 hrs. away.

If the texting/sexting is fun for you, fine, but keep in mind it doesn't mean anything other than something for him to masterbate to.

Also keep in mind anything you send can go viral in a nanosecond.

If you want a relationship, end this and invest your time and energy into talking to and meeting local men..

[Lunatique93]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you met in person? Is he married/in another relationship?

Be careful of people who seek out someone 3 hrs. away.

If the texting/sexting is fun for you, fine, but keep in mind it doesn't mean anything other than something for him to masterbate to.

Also keep in mind anything you send can go viral in a nanosecond.

If you want a relationship, end this and invest your time and energy into talking to and meeting local men..

No, we haven't met in person and according to him, he's not married or in a relationship. Of course I can't know if that's true or not. Thankfully I wasn't that stupid to send him pics when we were sexting, it was just texting.

[boltnrun]

You can't be in a relationship with words on a screen. You can't fall in love with them either.

Pursuing dead end electronic relationships will not help to improve your anxiety or depression.

No need for "closure" since you were never in a relationship.

If you want a boyfriend, join a dating site and create an interesting profile, then see if there are any local men on there who you'd like to meet. If your area allows it, suggest meeting up at a park for a safe walk during the day.

[lostandhurt]

Ahh closure.  We all want it but we keep looking for it in someone else instead of ourselves.

You actually already had closure when you deleted his number with almost no feelings about it.  He didn't do that you did!!!

There is no reason you cannot take control back once again and end this for good.

If he was that into you he would have met you in person by now plain and simple, covid or no covid.

There is nothing to give another chance as I see it and I think you do too.  This was an imagined relationship, not real so there really isn't anything lost except a fantasy.  My vote is to delete his number and block him, that will give you closure.  I agree he is married or is in a relationship.

  Lost

[HeartGoesOn]

Not that it matters at this point, but did you ever use skype or have a phone conversation with him?  Either way, all of this seems to point to him either being married, or having a g/f.  Easier said then done, but I'd write him off.

 

Keep in mind that if someone wants you in their life, they'll find a way.

[Batya33]

Give yourself closure like this "people move towards pleasure and away from pain.  if he wanted to meet me in person he would have already or he'd be making plans to meet ASAP so I will assume he is not sufficiently interested in meeting and long distance is hard enough without 110% enthusiasm so I'll move on".  Done -closure!!

Of course you can check whether someone is married if you really want to.  Living together-harder -but surely if you've been texting that long you can find him on social media or like that or do a quick records search??

[Lunatique93]

25 minutes ago, HeartGoesOn said:

Not that it matters at this point, but did you ever use skype or have a phone conversation with him?  Either way, all of this seems to point to him either being married, or having a g/f.  Easier said then done, but I'd write him off.

 

Keep in mind that if someone wants you in their life, they'll find a way.

No, actually we never had a phone or video call. I feel like a fool now, writing that. I did make sure it was him but yeah never a proper call, even though I tried to arrange one with him several times. He would say he had a phobia and really hated phone calls. I hate phone calls as well but I still wanted to call him. I think that theory that he is married or has a grilfriend makes more and more sense. I feel like an idiot now

[Lunatique93]

26 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Give yourself closure like this "people move towards pleasure and away from pain.  if he wanted to meet me in person he would have already or he'd be making plans to meet ASAP so I will assume he is not sufficiently interested in meeting and long distance is hard enough without 110% enthusiasm so I'll move on".  Done -closure!!

Of course you can check whether someone is married if you really want to.  Living together-harder -but surely if you've been texting that long you can find him on social media or like that or do a quick records search??

Really? How can I check that? I found him on Facebook but it's private so I can't see anything really, same with his instagram.

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, Lunatique93 said:

Really? How can I check that? I found him on Facebook but it's private so I can't see anything really, same with his instagram.

I wouldn't bother now.  It's apparent he never had any intention of making this a real relationship or to even just meet you in person.

Avoid attempting to make electronic connections into romantic relationships in the future.  There's no upside to trying to make something like this more than it is.  Besides, it's so much more fulfilling when you can actually see, hug, kiss, interact in person!  Much better than words on a screen.

[reinventmyself]

There's saying "don't turn to the very thing that causes you pain for comfort"

I think the whole reaching out one more time is the same mindset as an addict.  We tell ourselves lies that gives us an excuse to do more of the same.

'Just one more hit, one more drink and then I'll close the door'   

I'll bet my paycheck you'll feel better initially and then you'll be right back at square one feeling anxious about his absence.   Or you volunteer to do the same inconsistent mixed message dance that also makes you anxious and doesn't feel good.

Seeing you have this time away from him already under your belt, consider this your first two weeks of sobriety behind you.  It typically gets worse before it gets better.  I don't know about you, but once is enough. 

One foot in front of the other and don't look back,

[SooSad33]

7 hours ago, Lunatique93 said:

These past 2 weeks have been awful for me. I already have anxiety and depression problems so this whole situation has made me feel worse.

Yeah, don't let it continue anymore.. is not good for you 😞  

You tried & gave him a cpl chances.. is just not progressing - as he went quiet again, sounds like he isn't really 'trying'.  Then leave it be.

Don't play head games...

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Lunatique93 said:

No, actually we never had a phone or video call. I feel like a fool now, writing that. I did make sure it was him but yeah never a proper call, even though I tried to arrange one with him several times. He would say he had a phobia and really hated phone calls. I hate phone calls as well but I still wanted to call him. I think that theory that he is married or has a grilfriend makes more and more sense. I feel like an idiot now

Oh, boy. 

This person is not who they claim to be. There's something they're hiding, no doubt about it. My first thought was that they were married/partnered, which still may be true. 

But I would also wonder if you're actually talking to a man at all. It could be a woman. Or some horny, young teen getting his jollies by sexting an older woman and passing around the messages to his buddies to see. Or some toothless, belching blob of a guy living in a crack-house. 

I would delete and block this person's number immediately. They're hiding their identity for a reason and very likely not at all who you imagine them to be. Then, I would sit with yourself and figure out what led you to indulge in - and attach yourself to - a fantasy person. That is where your real reflection needs to be done, not how to get closure from whomever is really on the other side of that screen. 

[melancholy123]

i'd bet my house this guy is married of has a girlfriend.  You need to block and delete him and move on with your life.  This is going nowhere and isn't going to.

You give yourself closure, it doesn't come from him.  You close the book on this waste of time.

 

[Lunatique93]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

Oh, boy. 

This person is not who they claim to be. There's something they're hiding, no doubt about it. My first thought was that they were married/partnered, which still may be true. 

But I would also wonder if you're actually talking to a man at all. It could be a woman. Or some horny, young teen getting his jollies by sexting an older woman and passing around the messages to his buddies to see. Or some toothless, belching blob of a guy living in a crack-house. 

I would delete and block this person's number immediately. They're hiding their identity for a reason and very likely not at all who you imagine them to be. Then, I would sit with yourself and figure out what led you to indulge in - and attach yourself to - a fantasy person. That is where your real reflection needs to be done, not how to get closure from whomever is really on the other side of that screen. 

Yeah, I know what you mean. But I know it was him, I made sure of it when we started talking. But of course he probably lied about everything else.

[Jibralta]

10 hours ago, Lunatique93 said:

I started to fantasise about us again because finally he set a date for us to meet when in the past he was reluctant.

Wow, this guy's got his game down!! 

Honestly, I'd heed his thinly veiled warning if I were you:

10 hours ago, Lunatique93 said:

he said that he was interested but he was also being cautious because he has been in these kind of situations before and they never end well.

This has "Bad News" written all over it. Block and delete!

[reinventmyself]

He had a phone phobia??    

[Lunatique93]

5 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

He had a phone phobia??    

Yeah, according to him. He did send me some voice messages... few in between

 

[reinventmyself]

3 minutes ago, Lunatique93 said:

Yeah, according to him. He did send me some voice messages... few in between

 

so you communicated by pc?

[Lunatique93]

2 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

so you communicated by pc?

Whatsapp

[boltnrun]

Yeah, those days he disappeared he was probably traveling with his wife or GF and had nowhere to get away to play with you.  I can also pretty much guarantee you were not the only one he was toying with.

That is not a nice man; you are well rid of him.

Next on the agenda?  Think about why this situation appealed to you rather than a real life, 3 dimensional man you can actually spend time with.

[reinventmyself]

Just now, Lunatique93 said:

Whatsapp

on a phone?

[Lunatique93]

3 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

on a phone?

Yeah, exactly

[Batya33]

No you do not know if it was "him" or whether he is a he, etc - especially since he hid his Facebook from you - and the "phone phobia" of course is an excuse - the closure I would look for is asking yourself why you invested this much time and energy into a stranger who was deliberately hiding basic facts of himself from you and never had any real intention of meeting you in person?