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Same house big deal?


hrb23

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So little bit of background, I signed up here maybe 3 years ago during a devastating breakup and was helped tremendously. Ended up in No Contact since then and haven't really looked back. I would say I do still have some personal scars from that and have found myself having trouble getting into relationships since then but the positive thing is that i've started feeling very comfortable being alone (I get lonely from time to time but generally fine being on my own at least until I found the right fit). 

Recently however i've come into a situation that has challenged this. We had a roommate move out due to COVID and a girl moved in and we hit it off immediately. While i've gone to work we have texted and flirted most of the day and then a couple weekends ago we hooked up. This went on for about a week, hooking up and sharing a room together etc. After about a week we both decided it would probably be best to cool it off as we live together and kind of were involved in a Serious Relationship from the outset as it's kinda like dating someone and moving in with them the next day (as we already live together). 

Another week went by and it was a little awkward as we tried to be platonic and cool with each other, she had a guy over a couple times which definitely made me jealous and being in the house at that time was something I definitely wasn't ok with. 

Fast forward to this Saturday just gone and we had a couple friends around for drinks. We got along really well all night and temptation ended up getting the better of us, we hooked up again and to be honest I felt fine with it. It's definitely what I wanted and we had a great time together that night so I didn't regret it at all. Fast forward to yesterday she text me around lunchtime and asked if I wanted to hang out and we hung out all day together and obviously it was no longer the platonic relationship we had discussed a week prior. 

Now I feel like today, new week, this is kind of a pivotal moment in this relationship. We obviously like each other and frankly would probably date no questions asked if we didn't live together. However, we do. It makes it more difficult. 

I'm nervous about going back to being friends again and feeling awful about her starting new relationships with me having to watch each and every time. But that's not really a good reason to keep dating if it's not the right thing to do. I don't really want this to be a platonic thing however as we both really like each other and it's the first time in a long time I've actually felt strongly enough about someone to come on here and ask for advice on how to make sure the situation takes the correct course. 

I guess the best solution would be for one of us to move out but that isn't particularly viable.

Going NC isn't viable because we live together. Going platonic and watching her date other people would probably hurt me, at least at first because i've certainly developed feelings for her since she moved in. Am I then committed to the only option being to pursue something serious? Down the line, sure, but right now that seems like a lot.

What a dilemma!

 

 

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I don't really see any dilemma other than you are trying to manufacture one in a trying to bolt the barn door after the horses have left manner.

Stop playing games and just date her since you both are obviously into each other. Come up with some basic rules and boundaries in terms of living together and how to manage that. I mean you are already sleeping together, soooo.... yeah. Boundaries more for how you spend your free time so that you aren't constantly on top of each other literally and figuratively speaking. If you want to make this work, you certainly can figure it out.

Don't get stuck on a vague concept, but rather get pragmatic about it and creative on the how to.

 

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You said you both decided to cool off. Who proposed that? Was it you or her? 

It doesn't sound like she's interested in dating exclusively. Having other guys over when you're obviously there as a serious interest doesn't strike me as someone who's that interested in you in the first place. 

Before you go declaring your feelings to someone ask her what she thinks about dating in general. She may not want to date anyone seriously right now.

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14 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

You said you both decided to cool off. Who proposed that? Was it you or her? 

It doesn't sound like she's interested in dating exclusively. Having other guys over when you're obviously there as a serious interest doesn't strike me as someone who's that interested in you in the first place. 

Before you go declaring your feelings to someone ask her what she thinks about dating in general. She may not want to date anyone seriously right now.

Me being a serious interested and her not seeming that interested doesn't really compute.,

I think she is definitely interested but anxious about the logistics. Which is fair because I am too. Her having other guys around makes sense to me as we aren't official or even dating. But it doesn't make me feel good. So it's tough. 

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Why would a woman who's interested in you be sleeping with other men. Think about it. 

Or she's incredibly insecure and needs validation from other men to feel attractive or wanted. 

Either way, get it straight from her and ask her if she is open to dating you exclusively. 

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I really think that you either need to 💩 or get off the pot here. 

Working out some boundaries is a great exercise in communication, which is critical in any relationship. You both sound really into each other and the whole "platonic pals" boat has sailed long ago. You can't really bring that boat back. You really have nothing to lose at this point. Not talking about same grand confessions of feelings, but rather a mature conversation on how to handle the dating aspect while being roommates, a roadmap that you would both be comfortable testing out and adjusting as needed.

You seem way too fixated on the "living together" but you will be roommates for the foreseeable future no matter what, sooo.... work it out but be clear about what you want and don't jerk around where one day you are having sex and next day playing at "platonic pals". The latter on/off games is a good way to turn something potentially good into something completely toxic.

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6 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Why would a woman who's interested in you be sleeping with other men. Think about it. 

Or she's incredibly insecure and needs validation from other men to feel attractive or wanted. 

Either way, get it straight from her and ask her if she is open to dating you exclusively. 

Why wouldn't she go on and date other guys when the OP is being wishy washy and knee jerking about dating her? What she is doing is really quite logical in terms not tying herself down waiting on the OP to decide if he wants to date her for real or not. When you sleep with a guy and then he goes "oh let's just be platonic because gee I just remembered we are roommates" she is well within rights to keep dating others. Be stupid not to.

He needs to make up his mind on what he wants to do and stick with it. 

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Yeah, and so does she. I think both of them need to decide. The OP isn't the one having multiple people over however. I think this would have happened naturally over time if she didn't keep confusing the situation with other partners. I still have a question about who proposed that living together was a problem. Why automatically assume it's the OP who should be taking initiative? Is it because he's the man in the situation? If I were a guy, there's no way I'd consider this woman dating material. It's awkward, at best, right now and not someone who knows what she wants. 

Wiseman also had a question about open relationships providing this is the same guy coming over. 

Does the house have any rules about having people over what with covid and all? 

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2 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Why wouldn't she go on and date other guys when the OP is being wishy washy and knee jerking about dating her? What she is doing is really quite logical in terms not tying herself down waiting on the OP to decide if he wants to date her for real or not. When you sleep with a guy and then he goes "oh let's just be platonic because gee I just remembered we are roommates" she is well within rights to keep dating others. Be stupid not to.

He needs to make up his mind on what he wants to do and stick with it. 

One hundred percent. I feel she's well within her right, and it was in the week we had decided to cool it and be platonic that she had other company. 

I'm not ready to be serious with her yet but I do want to see where things go. I'm very stuck on living with her and knowing the intrinsic seriousness that comes with that. Calling a stop altogether because of that concern worries me on the other hand because I know it will upset me having to be around her other relationship opportunities as her roommate.

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If a man told me he wanted to be "platonic" after we'd already slept together,  I too would date others. Why not?

And if you are the one who pumped the brakes and suggested being roommates only, it doesn't make sense for you to be jealous.

Tell her you want to try dating exclusively,  with the agreement that if things don't work out you would either be mature about it or one of you will move out.

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1 minute ago, hrb23 said:

One hundred percent. I feel she's well within her right, and it was in the week we had decided to cool it and be platonic that she had other company. 

I'm not ready to be serious with her yet but I do want to see where things go. I'm very stuck on living with her and knowing the intrinsic seriousness that comes with that. Calling a stop altogether because of that concern worries me on the other hand because I know it will upset me having to be around her other relationship opportunities as her roommate.

The thing is that the "seriousness" is really only in your head. It's only as serious as you make it. Bottom line is that you are roommates first and if you want to date, then just go through the dating thing. Like ask her out on a date, leave house and go on a date. One date and one step at a time. Either you'll grow closer together or you'll grow apart. 

Basically just because you are roommates, doesn't mean you skip the actual process of dating.

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37 minutes ago, hrb23 said:

One hundred percent. I feel she's well within her right, and it was in the week we had decided to cool it and be platonic that she had other company. 

I'm not ready to be serious with her yet but I do want to see where things go. I'm very stuck on living with her and knowing the intrinsic seriousness that comes with that. Calling a stop altogether because of that concern worries me on the other hand because I know it will upset me having to be around her other relationship opportunities as her roommate.

Where is this anxiety coming from though? I was giving you the benefit of the doubt just in case this wasn't completely your idea and she wasn't interested in you. It sounds like it is mainly coming from you.

If you've had an issue in the past with someone else you've lived with as a roommate, I can understand the hesitation. Things can get sour quickly if it doesn't work out or you both decide to date other people at the same time. 

If you're worried about that or don't think you know her very well, just date and ask her if she's willing to date you exclusively. Draw up a plan and come up with an agreement should things not work out. At least agree to stay amicable and respectful of each other in the same living area. You both haven't known each other for long. As long as you have an understanding in place and can build trust dating more exclusively, I don't see what's the problem. That's a personal choice dating a roommate. If you are hesitant, just cancel the idea and let the dust settle. Let go of any idea of dating this person if it makes you this uncomfortable.

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26 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Where is this anxiety coming from though? I was giving you the benefit of the doubt just in case this wasn't completely your idea and she wasn't interested in you. It sounds like it is mainly coming from you.

If you've had an issue in the past with someone else you've lived with as a roommate, I can understand the hesitation. Things can get sour quickly if it doesn't work out or you both decide to date other people at the same time. 

If you're worried about that or don't think you know her very well, just date and ask her if she's willing to date you exclusively. Draw up a plan and come up with an agreement should things not work out. At least agree to stay amicable and respectful of each other in the same living area. You both haven't known each other for long. As long as you have an understanding in place and can build trust dating more exclusively, I don't see what's the problem. That's a personal choice dating a roommate. If you are hesitant, just cancel the idea and let the dust settle. Let go of any idea of dating this person if it makes you this uncomfortable.

I think my anxiety primarily stems from not wanting to rapidly advance things to an exclusive relationship where we live together because that is a seriousness i'm not ready to commit to. The anxiety i'm having is worrying about the NOT suggesting that and then being jealous when she continues to see others.

 

Do you have any advice on strategies to overcome that jealousy and continue to build a relationship with someone that you aren't exclusive with while being around them and their other potential interests? 

I feel it's possible because isn't that what people who are in Open Relationships deal with? I just don't quite know how to do it and be okay with it but it feels like  that's what i'm looking for. 

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9 minutes ago, hrb23 said:

Do you have any advice on strategies to overcome that jealousy and continue to build a relationship with someone that you aren't exclusive with while being around them and their other potential interests? 

Out of respect for each other, why not have a house rule not to have BFs/GFs sleeping over? As long as you are sort of roommates-with-benefits, this will implode when either of your BFs/GFs find out or when resentments cause an ugly scene where you live.

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21 minutes ago, hrb23 said:

I think my anxiety primarily stems from not wanting to rapidly advance things to an exclusive relationship where we live together because that is a seriousness i'm not ready to commit to. The anxiety i'm having is worrying about the NOT suggesting that and then being jealous when she continues to see others.

 

Do you have any advice on strategies to overcome that jealousy and continue to build a relationship with someone that you aren't exclusive with while being around them and their other potential interests? 

I feel it's possible because isn't that what people who are in Open Relationships deal with? I just don't quite know how to do it and be okay with it but it feels like  that's what i'm looking for. 

Okay. Let's start with the seriousness of living together. This concept seems very big and it is in a relationship when a couple decides to make that decision and move in together. I think this concept is holding you back quite a lot. It's a bit like cart before the horse and it makes you uncomfortable. Have you had negative experiences living with someone or been with someone where this could have been a negative experience? 

The situation here is different because you both happen to live under the same roof and never came to the same decision that couples do when they decide to live together. The conscious decision to live together is totally missing here. Yet the concept bothers you even though a key ingredient: agreement to move in as a couple is missing. 

What's triggering you here to react to this as if it were a serious relationship where a couple lives together? 

I'm working here to understand your discomfort.

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I might be the odd one out here but personally I think you should actually move out. You are living with someone you're really attracted to, have feelings for and had sex with. I don't actually think this situation will work out for you right now because you said you don't want to get too serious with her straight away. I actually agree with you that you can't exactly  "take it slow" when you're actually living with that person. So they're always there and inevitably you do see them every day. Even if it's just to say "good morning" and things like that when you pass each other in the house. In my opinion there isn't really opportunity to make it any slower. If you didn't live together then you could just see each other once a week or something. In this case you can't do that. 

Hypothetically if you actually dated and it didn't work out, then you would be living with your ex! That would be so difficult and awkward! Not to mention new people you date would probably find it weird and a red flag that you live with your ex.

If you want to just keep it casual with her then you need to be OK if she's dating other guys too or brings them over. If you can't actually do that and manage your feelings of jealousy then this situation will really not work for you.

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Being exclusive at the beginning doesn't always mean the relationship is serious. It means that you are more comfortable not multi-dating. It means wanting to focus on one person to see where it can lead without outside interference. The trick of relationship happiness is to date people who share your dating goals. I know when I did OLD, I would ask what the guy's dating style was, and if he said it took him a really long time to decide to be exclusive with someone while he multi-dated, I chose to no longer date him. Because once I got to the part of making out with a guy, I wouldn't be comfortable with him doing that with other women. My future husband held the same feelings I had about dating, and so that was one of the numerous major ways we matched.

Don't sacrifice what you want for any reason, trying to be "cool" while you're seething or upset.

How could this work? Keep a normal pace of dating and don't make plans with each other more than twice a week for now. Keep up with doing things with guy friends and your hobbies and solo time. See if she is  agreeable to not multi-date, since this is your wish. What did I say about not multi-dating? We're just learning about each other. The relationship might end in two weeks, and that's okay. It might never end. We don't know, but it's much more enjoyable not to think about each other swapping spit with someone else however it pans out.

Now that you've had sex with her, you really won't be able to date anybody else while living there. Any decent woman will dump you when she finds out that has happened and you're still living with a woman you slept with. Keeping that from a woman would be unethical, but if you moved out, there is no need to divulge that to anyone.

Make rules and boundaries you can be happy with, and if she isn't on board, it's not the right relationship for you. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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Best that you both re-read your lease to figure out what to do if one of you wants to move.

How long is the lease for? Are you on the hook for rent until you get a replacement?

How are you dividing other household bills and expenses?

You'll have to look at these considerations if you're going to live in a precarious situation.

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14 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I might be the odd one out here but personally I think you should actually move out. You are living with someone you're really attracted to, have feelings for and had sex with. I don't actually think this situation will work out for you right now because you said you don't want to get too serious with her straight away. I actually agree with you that you can't exactly  "take it slow" when you're actually living with that person. So they're always there and inevitably you do see them every day. Even if it's just to say "good morning" and things like that when you pass each other in the house. In my opinion there isn't really opportunity to make it any slower. If you didn't live together then you could just see each other once a week or something. In this case you can't do that. 

Hypothetically if you actually dated and it didn't work out, then you would be living with your ex! That would be so difficult and awkward! Not to mention new people you date would probably find it weird and a red flag that you live with your ex.

If you want to just keep it casual with her then you need to be OK if she's dating other guys too or brings them over. If you can't actually do that and manage your feelings of jealousy then this situation will really not work for you.

Not the odd one out.  It's what I thought too reading this.  You literally made your bed OP -you chose to get involved with a new roommate.  It's just like if you got a new job with a no-dating rule, and you started dating a co-worker -well you'd have to look for a new job or stop.  I also don't see this being a workable roommate situation anymore - and just chalk it up to -you had some really good sex and fun with her and if you move out you have a far better chance of forming a healthy dating relationship with her.

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While I was living in California, I had a friend who lived down the hall. He met a woman from a dating site for dinner, brought her home, and she never left. I’m being literal. She moved in that night. 
 

It’s been five years now. They are still together, they travel a lot, and are still as in love as they were the night of that first date.

Sometimes life doesn’t happen the way you want it to, or in the time frame you want it to. But when life gives you an opportunity for something beautiful, you just take it. Don’t miss out on what could be the best thing you’ve ever done. Have a little faith.

ETA: It will be very important to commit to maintaining your own lives outside of each other. If you can stay committed to that, it’s not impossible.

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