Husband flirting

[MimiLuvs]

He's checked out emotionally, mentally. The issue is that he appears to blame you for his behaviours whether you're in the room or not, texting others or not. This is typical for people who don't accept that their behaviour hurts and damages others. It's abusive and maybe you haven't seen it in that light at all during your marriage.

 

The bottomline is he treats you badly and isn't faithful. Lack of faithfulness in a relationship isn't only characterized by infidelity or third parties. It also means stonewalling, pushing the blame back on you, making you appear like the crazy one, deflecting any arguments or not taking responsibility for broken communication or verbalizing what he wants in the relationship. My only advice is stay away from it and keep away.

 

Thank you. I know that this is a hard truth. I never wanted to be the person that walks away so easily. I realize that marriage can be hard and requires work and forgiveness.I do know that I have done my part to a T.

[Rose Mosse]

What matters is how he treats you. Keep going back to that and the reality of the situation - not what you want it to be or what you would have hoped for it to be.

[DancingFool]

The way I see it is that what ever you find out is not everything. I figure that I probably know 10-50% MAX of whats going on. Although my focus cannot be simply what is going on outside of our marriage, because what is NOT going on within our marriage is simply enough and should be my main focus.

 

That is very very wise on your part. I realize that you feel in turmoil, but this demonstrates a great deal of personal emotional intelligence and a good sense of self preservation. You are absolutely correct that what is and isn't happening in your marriage is more than enough to divorce.

 

Just know that you will be OK and even better than OK once you part ways. Not having to come home and wonder what your husband is lying to you about now or suffer unmet needs is going to feel like a relief rather than a loss. Sometimes, being in a toxic relationship can become so normal that we actually forget how amazing peace actually is.

[MimiLuvs]

You have our agreement that what he did is inappropriate but what is it that you need? Just venting that he is being a uncaring jerk that flirts with other women is all good but you are hurting and looking at a very big decision.

 

If you are done and do not trust him then the marriage is over emotionally and the only thing left is to make it legally official.

 

Do you want to try and repair it or call it quits?

 

No sex for 3 years, he has a porn problem, is flirtatious with other women and thinks he isn't doing anything wrong on top of the fact that you have a lot of anger and resentment towards him leads me to think you have checked out and are no longer In Love with him. There may be some love there because of the time you have been together but that is it.

 

Lost

 

I am particularly angry that we don't have children because of all of this. I can no longer get pregnant. Which - don't get me wrong, children do not need to be a part of this right now. However, if we had children and actually had a sex life that was healthy, we probably wouldn't be here. No, I don't trust him now, and I realize that. I am honestly not checked out, as I have continually tried to make things better. He is definitely checked out, and doesn't have an ounce of interest in me other than the convenience of having a wife. I guess I am arm jewelry to him. To be clear, I love my husband very much and he knows that. I do have enough self-respect to know when enough is enough, and I am capable and strong enough to leave him even though I love him. This is no way to live. Not for me, and not even for him.

[MimiLuvs]

What matters is how he treats you. Keep going back to that and the reality of the situation - not what you want it to be or what you would have hoped for it to be.

 

Absolutely. Thank you.

[MimiLuvs]

That is very very wise on your part. I realize that you feel in turmoil, but this demonstrates a great deal of personal emotional intelligence and a good sense of self preservation. You are absolutely correct that what is and isn't happening in your marriage is more than enough to divorce.

 

Just know that you will be OK and even better than OK once you part ways. Not having to come home and wonder what your husband is lying to you about now or suffer unmet needs is going to feel like a relief rather than a loss. Sometimes, being in a toxic relationship can become so normal that we actually forget how amazing peace actually is.

 

Right. This little texting back and forth with this girl is simply, as I said to start with, just a nail in the coffin. He's been asking me to come back and asking why am I doing this and it may or may not be petty - but I continue to point to this texting session as the reason why I refuse to do a single thing more to save this marriage. He is sitting there asking me to come back and swearing that he is sincere but sitting right there and texting other women in this fashion and also still watching porn. There is simply nothing else that I can do, and there is no way that I can believe that he is sincere.

[DancingFool]

Right. This little texting back and forth with this girl is simply, as I said to start with, just a nail in the coffin. He's been asking me to come back and asking why am I doing this and it may or may not be petty - but I continue to point to this texting session as the reason why I refuse to do a single thing more to save this marriage. He is sitting there asking me to come back and swearing that he is sincere but sitting right there and texting other women in this fashion and also still watching porn. There is simply nothing else that I can do, and there is no way that I can believe that he is sincere.

 

Yes, well consequences are very inconvenient to deal with so of course he'll beg, plead, cry and tell you anything you want to hear. Promise the world. Expect also that once the pity me and charm fails, he'll turn to anger. So be ready for that too.

 

However, you've been working on this marriage single handed for 10 years.....10 years......that's a long time, OP. If he had ever wanted to change, he would have, but people like him don't actually change. They just find someone else to use. So stay strong and be ready for a lot of bs coming out of him. He will make you out to be the bad person as much as he can because guys like him never want to take responsibility for themselves. He will lie and lie some more because that's who he is.

 

Be sure that your attorney understands fully that things may get very very ugly and that he or she is aggressive enough to handle that. Fair is a nice idea, but to get what is fair, you have to ask for a lot more and be ready to fight. If he actually folds and the split ends up amicable - that's fantastic. Just don't hold your breath for that and be ready for a dirty fight. Better at minimum to be prepared than to get caught out unprepared and surprised yourself.

[Hollyj]

This should have been over long ago.

 

This is who he is, if he has not changed in TEN YEARS, he never will.

[MimiLuvs]

Yes, well consequences are very inconvenient to deal with so of course he'll beg, plead, cry and tell you anything you want to hear. Promise the world. Expect also that once the pity me and charm fails, he'll turn to anger. So be ready for that too.

 

However, you've been working on this marriage single handed for 10 years.....10 years......that's a long time, OP. If he had ever wanted to change, he would have, but people like him don't actually change. They just find someone else to use. So stay strong and be ready for a lot of bs coming out of him. He will make you out to be the bad person as much as he can because guys like him never want to take responsibility for themselves. He will lie and lie some more because that's who he is.

 

Be sure that your attorney understands fully that things may get very very ugly and that he or she is aggressive enough to handle that. Fair is a nice idea, but to get what is fair, you have to ask for a lot more and be ready to fight. If he actually folds and the split ends up amicable - that's fantastic. Just don't hold your breath for that and be ready for a dirty fight. Better at minimum to be prepared than to get caught out unprepared and surprised yourself.

 

I completely agree with all of that. All of them things that I have contemplated. He did get mad and slam the door, but he has never been violent toward me. I am well aware that violence can suddenly start, but my gut tells me that this will not happen. I have also made sure to tell people close to me where I am, and that I left, without giving details. Sadly, his family has not reached out to me at all and are pretty much taking up on his side without considering mine. Which is ok, but I would have expected them to be neutral or helpful at least. I have no control over that, but it is an eye-opener for sure. I just think that they should know me well enough to think, wow if she is upset, there is something really wrong here. They say they love me, but maybe apples really don't fall far from the tree after all. I was particularly hurt that his family is so ready to give him financial advice (insisting that he gets half of everything) when even he knows that this is not right or fair. They won't get involved or offer advice for the personal part though. Generally speaking, I don't think family or friends should get involved in personal affairs, but there are ways to be helpful or supportive without crossing boundaries or meddling. We honestly don't have much, and he even admitted that. His family is extremely wealthy but nothing in his name. Cars are not paid for, and we have 20K in savings which is mostly my contribution. Although his family is wealthy, I make a lot more than he does (he works for the family business). I make closer to 100K per year. I know my frustration is talking, but I am ready to walk away with nothing if that's what it takes. I have skills and a good job.

[Wiseman2]

If you both wanted children, why was there rare, if any sex for 10 years? Did he always have gfs on the side or are you a cover for gay/bi tendencies?

I am particularly angry that we don't have children because of all of this. He is definitely checked out, and doesn't have an ounce of interest in me other than the convenience of having a wife

[MimiLuvs]

This should have been over long ago.

 

This is who he is, if he has not changed in TEN YEARS, he never will.

 

Right. Sadly, I knew that a while back.

[MimiLuvs]

If you both wanted children, why was there rare, if any sex for 10 years? Did he always have gfs on the side or are you a cover for gay/bi tendencies?

 

Those are all great questions which I am unable to answer, but would love the answer myself. I have asked point blank of him as well, and I got "I don't know". I do know that the porn that he watches that i have seen, is not gay or bi porn. I have no reason to believe that he has ever had a girlfriend on the side or has been physically intimate - although there is room for me to believe that I don't know every single thing. I am pretty sharp though, and I am a Software Engineer as well as a mobile application developer (cell phones) and I am well capable of finding out things that the average person might not be able to. To be clear, I do not monitor his every move, conversation, or online activity, even though I could do so successfully.

[Rose Mosse]

Sadly, his family has not reached out to me at all and are pretty much taking up on his side without considering mine. Which is ok, but I would have expected them to be neutral or helpful at least.

 

...I am ready to walk away with nothing if that's what it takes. I have skills and a good job.

 

When couples split or divorce, this isn't uncommon. You mentioned his family but what about your family (siblings, parents if they are still around etc)? His family isn't going to look out for you - their first interests are their own son. You may not have the support of your family either. Many family members don't know how to grapple or understand divorce, what to say, how to react or how to perceive the end of a marriage. Worse, you may encounter anger or people lashing out at you for your decision to divorce or end the marriage. You'll find many people won't want to get involved either and simply ignore you.

 

This is your cue not to waste your precious energies on what others think and keep your eye on the ball and stay focused on what you believe is a better future for yourself. Focus on getting the right support - either individual or group therapy, online works well I hear. Strengthen your support networks independent of family ties. There are a lot of hurt feelings on all sides. The last individuals to worry about are his family members. It's self-preservation now. Speak with your lawyer and protect yourself.

[SooSad33]

I discussed this with him and told him that this is just really inappropriate.

- I agree.. wth is that for? He is seeking re-assurance, but the wrong way...?

 

Girl: Lol! No worries at all! I hate that you are going through this at all. You're an amazing person so just know that

*Eyeroll*

Husband: I'm sorry (Sad face) We can bond Friday lol

Girl: Deal

- Okay.. Not acceptable!

 

I would NOT accept this... he needs a smack :(.

 

Walk.. let him go rebound.. and rid of it! He does not deserve YOU, if this is how he is now.

 

POS :(.. wow.

 

. He played it off and said he did not mean anything by it. I am just trying to ground myself and make sure that I am thinking clearly and not over-reacting to it.

- Nope, you're not.. He is considering something like this?

 

fine, let him go PLAY.. Let him end up messing up his relationship with you and most likely be pushed away by her in time as well.. ALL will be on him, ;)

You be smart in this.

[MimiLuvs]

When couples split or divorce, this isn't uncommon. You mentioned his family but what about your family (siblings, parents if they are still around etc)? His family isn't going to look out for you - their first interests are their own son. You may not have the support of your family either. Many family members don't know how to grapple or understand divorce, what to say, how to react or how to perceive the end of a marriage. Worse, you may encounter anger or people lashing out at you for your decision to divorce or end the marriage. You'll find many people won't want to get involved either and simply ignore you.

 

This is your cue not to waste your precious energies on what others think and keep your eye on the ball and stay focused on what you believe is a better future for yourself. Focus on getting the right support - either individual or group therapy, online works well I hear. Strengthen your support networks independent of family ties. There are a lot of hurt feelings on all sides. The last individuals to worry about are his family members. It's self-preservation now. Speak with your lawyer and protect yourself.

 

Yes, this is all true. This is something that I have noticed and I am just venting about it. It's really just an after-thought to me what his family thinks or says. I am just acknowledging that I see the behavior. My family - I have a great family and a wonderful support system. I haven't let them know any details because I am not sure how as it is so personal in nature. This is something that I am struggling with - if it comes down to it, what do I say about the situation? Even though I am angry at him, I also don't feel that he "putting everything out there" is the right thing to do. I have way more class than to tell nasty details that will embarrass him or me. If people come at me over it, and if I feel the need to defend myself or just let people know how serious and devastating this is, what in the world do I say? I feel like no one would even begin to understand unless they knew the details. My husband could go to my family and talk, and they would be caring, honest, and real, but very supportive. Even in THIS - they would not just "take my side" and be against him. Basically, they would say "We love you both and we are sad about this. We really wish you could work it out and we are here for you, but this is not healthy and not fair, and if you want to work it out, you are both going to have to do your part.". They would never cut him off or act untowardly to him. This I can say with absolute certainty, would be their reaction.

[MimiLuvs]

I discussed this with him and told him that this is just really inappropriate.

- I agree.. wth is that for? He is seeking re-assurance, but the wrong way...?

 

Girl: Lol! No worries at all! I hate that you are going through this at all. You're an amazing person so just know that

*Eyeroll*

Husband: I'm sorry (Sad face) We can bond Friday lol

Girl: Deal

- Okay.. Not acceptable!

 

I would NOT accept this... he needs a smack :(.

 

Walk.. let him go rebound.. and rid of it! He does not deserve YOU, if this is how he is now.

 

POS :(.. wow.

 

. He played it off and said he did not mean anything by it. I am just trying to ground myself and make sure that I am thinking clearly and not over-reacting to it.

- Nope, you're not.. He is considering something like this?

 

fine, let him go PLAY.. Let him end up messing up his relationship with you and most likely be pushed away by her in time as well.. ALL will be on him, ;)

You be smart in this.

 

I think what really floored me in that whole conversation was the "where does that leave me?" - that in particular did not set right with me once single bit.

[LaHermes]

Mimi. You do NOT have to explain anything to anyone, and less so the details. You are under no obligation to give such personal details. You are getting a divorce for reasons personal to you and your STBX.

 

I am fully with you on this, OP:

 

"Generally speaking, I don't think family or friends should get involved in personal affairs"

 

It's a tough lesson OP:

 

"They say they love me, but maybe apples really don't fall far from the tree after all. I was particularly hurt that his family is so ready to give him financial advice (insisting that he gets half of everything) when even he knows that this is not right or fair. "

 

Since when have his family become financial advisors/lawyers?

 

Get the best and toughest lawyer you can, OP.

[MimiLuvs]

Mimi. You do NOT have to explain anything to anyone, and less so the details. You are under no obligation to give such personal details. You are getting a divorce for reasons personal to you and your STBX.

 

I am fully with you on this, OP:

 

"Generally speaking, I don't think family or friends should get involved in personal affairs"

 

It's a tough lesson OP:

 

"They say they love me, but maybe apples really don't fall far from the tree after all. I was particularly hurt that his family is so ready to give him financial advice (insisting that he gets half of everything) when even he knows that this is not right or fair. "

 

Since when have his family become financial advisors/lawyers?

 

Get the best and toughest lawyer you can, OP.

 

Thank you. Several people have consistently given that advice and it makes sense now. I can see where people who are grieving the rightful death of their marriage tend to be more focused on the life transition and the hurt, that they fail to protect themselves financially when they are struggling to just protect themselves emotionally. I feel like this is good, solid advice and I am thankful I found this group. This has been pretty empowering.

[Rose Mosse]

I haven't let them know any details because I am not sure how as it is so personal in nature. This is something that I am struggling with - if it comes down to it, what do I say about the situation? Even though I am angry at him, I also don't feel that he "putting everything out there" is the right thing to do. I have way more class than to tell nasty details that will embarrass him or me. If people come at me over it, and if I feel the need to defend myself or just let people know how serious and devastating this is, what in the world do I say? I feel like no one would even begin to understand unless they knew the details.

 

One simple line I use is "we are very different people but wish each other the best". End of story. The more you focus on yourself the less the details of the past or the less the marriage/divorce will matter as you process in your own way along the way. Soon people will care less and less. Your loved ones will only care if you are happier and healthier.

 

If someone takes a dig at you, just turn away and leave it. People can be very hurtful. It's more an evaluation or test of their own marriages and what they're going through personally than anything having to do with your personal situation. I've been very careful letting different types of people in my life. Let go or limit negative individuals or those who are judgmental and rude.

[SherrySher]

Just seen this thread, how he spoke to that woman, is grounds for divorce. I'm so sorry you have to deal with a man behaving that badly. He obviously likes this woman far more than a friend.

[MimiLuvs]

One simple line I use is "we are very different people but wish each other the best". End of story. The more you focus on yourself the less the details of the past or the less the marriage/divorce will matter as you process in your own way along the way. Soon people will care less and less. Your loved ones will only care if you are happier and healthier.

 

If someone takes a dig at you, just turn away and leave it. People can be very hurtful. It's more an evaluation or test of their own marriages and what they're going through personally than anything having to do with your personal situation. I've been very careful letting different types of people in my life. Let go or limit negative individuals or those who are judgmental and rude.

 

I believe that you are very right about this. I think that my being present just gives them a feeling that everything is ok in the world. I will say that my husband - AT LEAST - told them that everything is his fault, that we have been through this before, and he knows why I am mad. He did not give details to them either, but I am kind of guessing that they have an idea that maybe he cheated. And I feel like he has been cheating, albeit there is definitely a twist to this that they would never guess. At the end of the day, they only care about me as long as I am here serving him. That's not much of an in-law relationship either. I have been ignoring it thus far, as I have many bigger things to worry about. I just also know that my temper is being tested lately. I am one of the coolest, level headed, calm people that you will ever meet, and this is definitely trying my patience. So yes - just disengaging the negative, and embracing the positive should be my only mission right now.

 

On another note: I am spending the weekend at a spa hotel, with a day of pampering, and will end the evening being chauffeured to dinner in a Bentley (a special deal a girlfriend sent me from the Ritz-Carlton) and I have signed up for dance classes starting Monday.

[MimiLuvs]

Just seen this thread, how he spoke to that woman, is grounds for divorce. I'm so sorry you have to deal with a man behaving that badly. He obviously likes this woman far more than a friend.

 

Thank you. I am so glad that it is not just me and my irrational thinking that led me down that path. I just needed some affirmation here.

[LaHermes]

Now, OP, this I do like!!

 

" I am spending the weekend at a spa hotel, with a day of pampering, and will end the evening being chauffeured to dinner in a Bentley (a special deal a girlfriend sent me from the Ritz-Carlton) and I have signed up for dance classes starting Monday."

 

And dance is so uplifting.

[MimiLuvs]

Now, OP, this I do like!!

 

" I am spending the weekend at a spa hotel, with a day of pampering, and will end the evening being chauffeured to dinner in a Bentley (a special deal a girlfriend sent me from the Ritz-Carlton) and I have signed up for dance classes starting Monday."

 

And dance is so uplifting.

 

It is. No one can uplift me, better than me. I am going to be ok. Who knows where I am going from here!? And I am quite looking forward to these dance classes. I am taking bellydancing.

[SherrySher]

He also had no right to tell her about you losing your parent. That is very personal information. It's terrible he's sharing that with a complete stranger.