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First time ever sharing, desperate for input. My gf threatens our relationship a


Nortilus32

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I've currently been dating my partner for 2 years and it has been a roller coaster of events.We currently live together since I brought her in my home when she first lost her job and couldn't afford her apartment 4 months in our relationship and I felt she was the one so I happily paid for all expenses including trips out of pocket for the first year. Now after this pandemic I've lost my job I've been forced to depend on her.

 

Too add some context:

 

My partner isn't the best person when she gets drunk. She can become verbally vicious and at times has taken it up to an extreme notch. I've forgiven her in the past multiple times since her upbringing wasn't the best due to being put up for adoption at a very young age and going from house to house, we've had moments where I've had hope placed in me that things will get better but something always happens that robs me off those feelings. (i.e AA, therapy)

 

We've been in multiple trips together where I noticed once her speech begins to slur after having drinks, I have to be very careful what I say or do around her since it will trigger something from her to say hurtful things and at times get physical. After a night of drinking she wakes up feeling brand new and can't remember what she's done and always feels apologetic which is why I've forgiven her a lot in the past. I've reached out to her sibling for advice in the past, but was told "you have to standby her no matter what", after time progressed I realized that her sibling also has trouble in his own relationship due to drinking. I can't really go to my friend's for this since they would view her and myself in a different light (perhaps in a form of emasculation). Recently we went to a party at her sibling's house where I arrived late since I had agreed to go to the gym with friends, everyone knew this already. When I arrived she was already looking sloppy and I immediately knew I had to be very careful not to say or do the wrong thing since she can make a scene. I borrowed her car which I told her and everyone at the party I would be going home to change since I was still in gym clothes. Everyone at the party understood and was excited I would be coming back to join them. When I got home I hopped into the shower, that's where I began to get angry messages from her and stating that I was an for taking her keys and as well for being incapable of apologizing for small things (this is where I realized she held resentment from for trivial arguments at home) she kept stating she's going to move out, lawyer up to get back things she's helped me out with, that she knows she can get emotional when she's drunk but she's standing firm on this.

 

The next morning she sent paragraphs apologizing and saying she had no recollection of me ever being at the party and things she needs to take it easy on the drinks, in which I never responded back. I was going out of town that day due to a potential employer/startup opportunity but I had nothing to say to her, her brother called me saying that I have to think how she would feel if her partner wouldn't speak to her a single word before going out of town. I ignored him and went on a trip, once I returned he and his partner shared their feelings of disapproval of my way of handling this situation by stating it's a " move". I have returned home and still haven't properly said anything to my partner since I have no idea what to say and I'm trying to figure out what my next move is since I'm not in a position of control. There are things I do that would frustrate her which I understand but not enough to be able to threaten a relationship I believe.

 

How does one bounce back from this? She doesn't drink religiously but whenever she sporadically drinks she becomes someone else I truly dislike.

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If it's your house, why aren't you in control?

 

Alcoholics only get worse, never better. So know this will not get better.

 

Tell her brother and his partner to mind their own business and tell your partner to get help or end it and mean it. If your bluff gets called and You don't follow thru, you will never be able to regain respect.

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I have no idea what to say and I'm trying to figure out what my next move is since I'm not in a position of control. There are things I do that would frustrate her which I understand but not enough to be able to threaten a relationship I believe.

 

How does one bounce back from this? She doesn't drink religiously but whenever she sporadically drinks she becomes someone else I truly dislike.

 

What do you mean by this, exactly? That you are now financially dependent on her and can't break up with her and ask her to leave?

 

Her brother needs to stay out of this, so don't respond to any more nudging from him. You need to decide if you genuinely still want this relaitonship. This isn't a small blip that one bounces back from; it's been a problem for a long time, and it's unacceptable. It's not clear if she's actually tried therapy or AA - has she? Or are you past the point of wanting to try to make this work?

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It's not just the alcohol...she is in denial. She is an alcoholic. Note: there is usually an underlining metal illness there like bi-polar, BPD. People think an alcoholic is someone that's in the gutter, living on the street. No, it's someone who, when they drink, blackout, don't remember, act out, and don't take any real accountability for their actions. They apologize sure...but actions speak louder than words don't they. She has no intention of stopping as long as you stick by her and do nothing. The brother is pissed at your silent treatment, because he's getting the brunt of her abuse for it. That's what they do, they just find someone else to lash out on. You need to leave, walk away. The only way this will change is when she hits rock bottom, get arrested, maybe get beat for opening her yapper to the wrong person. You cannot force a person into treatment or therapy. So far she seems to hear it that she does have a problem, but she refuses to acknowledge it.

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Never, ever, excuse one’s abusive behavior on childhood. She is an adult.

 

She is an abusive addict. If she doesn’t want to get help, I would suggest ending it. You should also address your codependency .

 

How can you stay with someone that you are embarrassed to share with friends and family? Is she parent material?

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It's not just the alcohol...she is in denial. She is an alcoholic. Note: there is usually an underlining metal illness there like bi-polar, BPD. People think an alcoholic is someone that's in the gutter, living on the street. No, it's someone who, when they drink, blackout, don't remember, act out, and don't take any real accountability for their actions. They apologize sure...but actions speak louder than words don't they. She has no intention of stopping as long as you stick by her and do nothing. The brother is pissed at your silent treatment, because he's getting the brunt of her abuse for it. That's what they do, they just find someone else to lash out on. You need to leave, walk away. The only way this will change is when she hits rock bottom, get arrested, maybe get beat for opening her yapper to the wrong person. You cannot force a person into treatment or therapy. So far she seems to hear it that she does have a problem, but she refuses to acknowledge it.

 

I'm learning how to work this site. But thank you so much for your input

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Never, ever, excuse one’s abusive behavior on childhood. She is an adult.

 

She is an abusive addict. If she doesn’t want to get help, I would suggest ending it. You should also address your codependency .

 

How can you stay with someone that you are embarrassed to share with friends and family? Is she parent material?

 

She does well with my family and friends but once she gets enough alcohol in her i immediately have to be mindful of what I say.

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Do whatever you can to get any sort of job you can. Anything. Also consider moving in with friends or family for a while. Look up Al-Anon. it's for people like you who have alcoholics causing problems in their lives. You're lucky, you can walk away. This is not a parent or someone you have to deal with.

 

Your lack of independence is clouding your judgement and making you feel trapped.

 

Get to social services for employment, food, housing and medical care help. Stop pretending it will get better. You know it won't. Stop driving her car stop taking her money.

Yes, I'm financially dependent on her so it makes it difficult to break up with her.
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Do whatever you can to get any sort of job you can. Anything. Also consider moving in with friends or family for a while. Look up Al-Anon. it's for people like you who have alcoholics causing problems in their lives. You're lucky, you can walk away. This is not a parent or someone you have to deal with.

 

Your lack of independence is clouding your judgement and making you feel trapped.

 

Get to social services for employment, food, housing and medical care help. Stop pretending it will get better. You know it won't. Stop driving her car stop taking her money.

 

Thank you, I appreciate your feedback.

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You're not the first person to mention BPD.

I've done my best as her partner and of course I'm flawed like anyone else but one of the most common things she always tells me is that I don't understand how to communicate to her which baffles me since I have always excelled in communicating with other partners and friends as well.

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First of all, that's sad that you feel you can't talk to any of your friends or family about it because you feel "emasculated". If you were a woman, would you feel like you have every right to open up to people and that your partner is an emotional abuser? Just because you're a man doesn't mean you are weak if you talk about what's happening. And just because she's a woman doesn't mean she can get away with emotionally, and at times even physically abusing you. Try to imagine that your sister (if you have one) or female friend was telling you all this and her partner was male. What would you think of her partner and what advice would you give her? Now give that advice to yourself.

 

Don't listen to the brother and his partner. For one thing, they can't message you telling you what to do in your relationship and meddling. It's none of their business. Secondly, it's very obvious they don't care about your side of the story and they will always just take her side, no questions asked. This is provided that these situations are between you and your girlfriend, so they don't have a right to just message you and tell you what to do. I wouldn't listen to the brother at all because he's an alcoholic himself. Of course he's going to say her behaviour is fine because that's his behaviour too!

 

Your girlfriend has some serious issues and she doesn't want to take any responsibility for them. She has no excuse as to why she's verbally and sometimes even physically abusive to you. It doesn't matter that she can't remember what she said or did. The point is she always does it and she knows she does it. She is aware of it, trust me. She has all the messages on her phone that she sends you. So the excuse that she can't remember is complete bs. She knows what she's doing but essentially she doesn't want to change. She doesn't want to get any help with her drinking. She's in complete denial because her drinking is very dangerous. If she has no memory of anything, literally anything bad could happen to her. Not to mention her disgusting behaviours. There are not two of her - the sober her and the drunk her. She is still one person and this is exactly who she is. Essentially I would say she's an addict, an alcoholic. She knows how she behaves and what she's doing to you but she can't stop. Or doesn't actually want to stop.

 

Personally I wouldn't continue dating her. There are way too many red flags. You keep thinking she'll change. But it's been two years and there's no difference. Also if she doesn't even acknowledge that she needs help or tries to get help, the chance of her changing is a big fat zero. To change you would actually want to, and she doesn't want to. Not to mention you'll be stuck with her brother, who is also an alcoholic and he meddles and sticks his nose in your relationship. And his advice "Stand by her no matter what" is total garbage. You don't stand by someone who repeatedly treats you horrible.

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You're not the first person to mention BPD.

 

An ex-boyfriend of mine was BPD (as diagnosed by two different psychiatrists) In my experience, symptoms don't show up only when the sufferer has been drinking; thus, I'm not sure if that's what's going on with her, as you said that when she's sober, things are usually fine (correct me if I'm wrong, though) Of course different people experience the disorder in different ways, but I think you'd be seeing a lot more volatility even when she's totally sober if it were BPD.

 

In any case, it sounds as though you might be leaning towards just wanting out. There is obviously a lot of pent-up frustration and resentment between you two and it's taken its toll. It doesn't matter if comes out only when she's drinking. The damage is just as profound. My guess is that she will offer to finally seek some consistent help with her issues, but are you willing to stick it out? Or do you just want this to be over? Neither is right or wrong; it all depends on where your heart and mind are.

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