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Hi all,

 

I suffer from clinical depression, and have done for many years. I also suffer from other health problems, such a chronic facial pain etc. I have been shielding due to COVID-19 at the advice of my GP.

 

I am having serious problems with someone who wants/wanted a romantic relationship with me. I was wondering if someone could kindly offer me some advice?

 

I will sum things up as follows:

 

I met a lady a few months ago through a book that she authored. We made contact via Facebook, and later met for a coffee.

 

The lady in question is 20 years older than me, and not usually the type of woman I would be interested in, but I felt a connection.

 

She later decided that she would like to spend some time with me at my home. She initially wanted to stay for a month, which I found quite alarming, particularly as we only met in person once before for a quick coffee. We had, however, spoken quite a lot on the phone. I therefore agreed to let her stay for 2 weeks. I suspect she may have had an agenda, as intimacy was something she alluded to right from the outset, though it is very difficult to assess what is going on in someone’s mind. This said, she did help me with a lot of housework and cooking etc.

 

She sent me a message one night as we were in separate beds (she was sleeping on the couch). She asked me if I found her unattractive, and why I wasn’t initiating any intimacy. I told her it was too soon. She looked very dejected in the days that followed. I began to feel sorry for her.

 

Over a week later, we started to cuddle, and things developed from there.

 

She asked me why I never kissed her, and I said the issue was that I was scarred or mindful of triggering my facial pain, as kissing is a known trigger zone, which is indeed the case. Part of the reason, however, was that I felt an issue with chemistry, albeit in that respect. Unfortunately, the lady in question has shown not to take much pride in her appearance. At the age of 63, she has/had quite bad acne etc. She also cuts her own hair etc., and refuses to go to a hairdresser. In those circumstances, particularly as the relationship was very new, I had a slight issue with that, but I didn’t want to mention it to her at the time in the event that I inadvertently cause offence.

 

In response to the lack of kissing, she refused to engage in any further intimacy, which I feel was perhaps slightly manipulative.

 

When she left my home after circa 2 weeks, there was an exchange of messages where she constantly referred to my buttocks. I was a bit sensitive about this, particularly as the relationship was new, and told her that. She responded by stating “there is something wrong with you”, which I felt was a bit tactless and disrespectful. I then thought to myself that if she is not sensitive to my feelings, I should perhaps exercise a little less reservation in being open and honest regarding the reasons I found kissing difficult. She, however, took major offence.

 

Later that night, I mentioned I would like to keep the relationship platonic, and that things were moving too quickly, which was not received well at all. She got very drunk, and sent me those most horrific and abusive text messages I have ever been in receipt of, throughout the night, which profoundly shocked me. I didn’t respond in an abusive manner, and only tried to console her and apologise for any offence caused. I was sincerely worried about her wellbeing.

 

I felt sorry for her, whereas I suspect other people would have run a mile at this point, and began to attempt to repair the relationship. She, however, has refused to show any remorse for her highly abusive behaviour, whereas I have expressed regret and sincere remorse, and have reflected on my statements.

 

She has also recently treated me with further contempt, for example by suggesting I am “crazy” for not wanting for intimacy with her at the current time due to her highly abusive outburst.

 

She recently demanded to stay with me again, but I expressed reluctance due to her remorseless and shameless abuse. Essentially, she gave me the ultimatum that she either comes to stay or she doesn’t communicate with me again, which is a red flag in my mind.

 

It appears she has now blocked me, or is stonewalling.

 

The sad things is that she has a very loving and caring side, but I do wonder if she had an agenda. Due to my poor mental health, I feel very vulnerable and defensive. My mental health has also deteriorated due to this conflict. I have suffered a lot of abuse as a child and adolescent, and am very sensitive when it comes to this type of behaviour.

 

Any advice or thoughts would be immensely appreciated.

 

Sincere thanks.

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The advice you pretty much gave yourself - run a mile or twenty really.

 

Learn to listen to your own instincts and voice of reason, which were screaming at you that this person, her behavior, the whole situation is crazy and you should run.

Block, delete, have no more contact with this person ever again. When you listen to your gut and learn how to be stronger in saying no to wild requests or demands, you'll find that you actually feel better and stronger as a person overall.

 

A good way to feel bad is to invite horrible people into your life. A good way to feel good is to surround yourself with good quality people instead. This means that when you make a mistake, misjudge someone as being good and then they show you they are nuts, abusive, etc, you quickly remove that person from your life. No and's and but's about that. Just do it.

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The advice you pretty much gave yourself - run a mile or twenty really.

 

Learn to listen to your own instincts and voice of reason, which were screaming at you that this person, her behavior, the whole situation is crazy and you should run.

Block, delete, have no more contact with this person ever again. When you listen to your gut and learn how to be stronger in saying no to wild requests or demands, you'll find that you actually feel better and stronger as a person overall.

 

A good way to feel bad is to invite horrible people into your life. A good way to feel good is to surround yourself with good quality people instead. This means that when you make a mistake, misjudge someone as being good and then they show you they are nuts, abusive, etc, you quickly remove that person from your life. No and's and but's about that. Just do it.

 

Yes, I think there are definitely some words of wisdom there. There problem is where you get emotionally attached to someone, and feel sorry for them. I suppose, however, that those are the tools an emotional abuser relies on.

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Another point worth noting is that she doesn't have any significant friends. She has also fallen out with both her sisters (I'll give her the benefit of the doubt based on her reasoning), but she is not even on talking terms with her own mother too. All this strongly suggests there is a serious issue there.

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The first red flag was when a complete stranger wanted to stay with you, then it really went downhill.

 

"Loving and caring" people do not behave as she has. The woman sounds abusive, manipulative nut job , but you know this. You need to block and delete her immediately, as I would bet money that she will be back.

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It sounds like she needed a place to live. Was she homeless prior to this?

 

Nope, she was properly housed. I was thinking she perhaps had a sexual agenda, which seems to ring true because she's happy to part ways or have a conniption if she doesn't get any intimacy.

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The first red flag was when a complete stranger wanted to stay with you, then it really went downhill.

 

"Loving and caring" people do not behave as she has. The woman sounds abusive, manipulative nut job , but you know this. You need to block and delete her immediately, as I would bet money that she will be back.

 

Yeah, think you could well be right. The sad thing is that I enjoyed her company, together with speaking to her, albeit when she is not being abusive. There is no question in my mind, however, that she is a manipulator and emotional blackmailer.

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What was her book about? Clearly she is unstable and her departure is a good thing. Delete and block her. She's a bit cookoo.

 

Her book was about a legal case.

 

Yes, there is definitely something not right there. I think her father abandoned her around the time of her birth/conception, which is quite sad. It also sounds like she was never nurtured by her mother, even according to her own admission, which is also quite sad. She has also been in therapy, which ended sooner than it should have according to her.

 

The problem is people's egos prevent them from seeking further help, or admitting they have a problem, and she seems to fall into that category. She acts like she thinks she is infallible and her behaviour is normal.

 

She, however, treats me with contempt, and won't take anything I say seriously because I'm seeing a therapist to help me with my abusive past. So, she seems a bit of a lost cause sadly.

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What do your friends and family say?

 

Not spoken to them about it. I don't like my brother knowing about my romantic relationships, as he can be very nosy. I might still mention it to him though.

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Yes, I think there are definitely some words of wisdom there. There problem is where you get emotionally attached to someone, and feel sorry for them. I suppose, however, that those are the tools an emotional abuser relies on.

 

Yup, you got that right. Crazies are brilliant at making themselves out to be a victim and they are good at latching on to those who are highly empathetic and kind...but also with weak boundaries. Keep in mind that you can be very kind and caring and still have strong boundaries and that's important, especially when you are more empathetic type. When she asked to come stay with you, she was literally testing your boundaries. You knew in your gut it was nuts, but she pushed a bit and you agreed. Bingo, she got you.

 

So now you assert those boundaries and block and delete. Learning how to have and enforce healthy boundaries is a learned skill and so is learning how to let go emotionally. You already have a very clear grasp of what's happening and what you should and shouldn't do, now you just need to take it all the way and listen to your own reason and trust it.

 

The whole thing about her falling out with her entire fam and having no friends, again you are right - she is the common denominator. Be careful about feeling sorry for people like that though - she has plenty of mileage and has made it fine in life and will continue to do so. Manipulators never stop manipulating and don't really run out of fodder for that either. Your goal is not become their fodder.

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Yup, you got that right. Crazies are brilliant at making themselves out to be a victim and they are good at latching on to those who are highly empathetic and kind...but also with weak boundaries. Keep in mind that you can be very kind and caring and still have strong boundaries and that's important, especially when you are more empathetic type. When she asked to come stay with you, she was literally testing your boundaries. You knew in your gut it was nuts, but she pushed a bit and you agreed. Bingo, she got you.

 

So now you assert those boundaries and block and delete. Learning how to have and enforce healthy boundaries is a learned skill and so is learning how to let go emotionally. You already have a very clear grasp of what's happening and what you should and shouldn't do, now you just need to take it all the way and listen to your own reason and trust it.

 

The whole thing about her falling out with her entire fam and having no friends, again you are right - she is the common denominator. Be careful about feeling sorry for people like that though - she has plenty of mileage and has made it fine in life and will continue to do so. Manipulators never stop manipulating and don't really run out of fodder for that either. Your goal is not become their fodder.

 

Yes, you are so right there. And yes, these types of people hate other people setting boundaries, because that way they seem to lose control and/or don't get what they want, hence all the conniptions and emotional blackmail etc.

 

The reason I let her stay was that I felt sorry for her because she had no access to the internet, and she was seemingly putting herself at risk of contracting COVID-19 trying to gain access around shops and banks etc.

 

It is really difficult not to feel sorry for her; she lives a very modest and lonesome life. I was really hoping that she would see the error of her ways, but instead she used that to manipulate me too i.e. she issued an insincere apology to get me to talk on the phone with her at one point, but later expressed no remorse.

 

I have been spending many a sleepless night worrying about it, and am so glad I found a sounding board here.

 

I just done some rudimentary research on people with personality disorders, and she seems to fit the bill. I have noted the following:

 

1. Fear of abandonment.

2. Intense emotions that last from a few hours to a few days and can change quickly.

3. Finds it very hard to make and keep stable relationships.

4. Acts impulsively (in her case, binge eating, alcohol and sex etc.).

5. Very intense feelings of anger, which are really difficult to control.

 

Incidentally, the part about binge eating shows from a physical perspective, which also demonstrates a lack of pride etc.

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Run like crazy . Never answer her again. Like , ever. I hear you about the facial pain I have trigeminal neuralgia.’

 

Yep, sadly, I think that's the only way forward.

 

I suffer from trigeminal neuralgia too.

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Yep, sadly, I think that's the only way forward.

 

I suffer from trigeminal neuralgia too.

 

I hear you. I am lucky enough to be in remission right now otherwise I am medicated to the eyeballs when not.

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I hear you. I am lucky enough to be in remission right now otherwise I am medicated to the eyeballs when not.

 

Glad you understand where I'm coming from. Yes, TN is an absolute nightmare. I've been on opiates, but they lose their efficacy after a while, so I use them sparingly. Hope yours stays in remission.

 

Incidentally, mine was seemingly brought on by a physically abusive brother, which was briefly alluded to in my first post.

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Glad you understand where I'm coming from. Yes, TN is an absolute nightmare. I've been on opiates, but they lose their efficacy after a while, so I use them sparingly. Hope yours stays in remission.

 

Incidentally, mine was seemingly brought on by a physically abusive brother, which was briefly alluded to in my first post.

I don’t use opiates for it at all my doctor uses epilepsy medications. Carbamazepine and Lyrica at 800 mg of Tegretol and 100 mg Lyrica I can barely remember how to spell my name.

So far I have been in remission for two years my last remission was six years.

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I don’t use opiates for it at all my doctor uses epilepsy medications. Carbamazepine and Lyrica at 800 mg of Tegretol and 100 mg Lyrica I can barely remember how to spell my name.

So far I have been in remission for two years my last remission was six years.

 

I would be scared of taking potent drugs like that, but I suppose TN can be more soul-destroying.

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I would be scared of taking potent drugs like that, but I suppose TN can be more soul-destroying.

 

You bet!! The pain was enough to make me want to bang my head on the floor until I died. Instead of having jolts I can have a burning searing ice pick kind of pain with feeling like you’re actually being burned alive for days on end

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BLOCK HER and don't look back. She is the worst kind of person, manipulative and abusive.

 

She seen vulnerability in you and she took advantage. She is still doing that in making you feel sorry for her so you will do as she says. Don't play into her hand.

 

At some point, you might have been able to have a friendship but she has ruined that and proved that she is an incredibly toxic person.

You would do well to stay as far away from her as possible.

 

You sound like a good hearted man and you deserve so much better than this. This is not your friend. Please stay away from her and allow better people into your life.

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