Should I leave my boyfriend?

[Badabum33]

I’m very careful when it comes to sex. I don’t take pills but condoms are an absolute must all the time. Also, if I notice anything weird, I withdraw immediately. It’s not like I’m careless. I don’t want to become pregnant, either. It’s too early for that. But, heck, I want to have normal sex. Is that too much to ask? Am I being irresponsible? I don’t think so.

[Wiseman2]

There are so many red flags and incompatibilities that it seems the only reason you are hanging out with him is because you are lonely. You may be able to meet less bitter, angry men with issues like his on some local dating apps.

I want to have normal sex. Is that too much to ask?

[DancingFool]

I guess I dated really terrible guys in the past. I felt like myself because when he’s not with his kids, he’s fun to be with. He’s not too serious all the time, we do a lot of funny things and play fun games together, he’s cool and we don’t argue about useless things, he likes peace and harmony just like I do... but maybe it’s also because I feel no pressure to keep him that I feel so comfortable.

 

Again, sounds like you've entertained really bad men and bad relationship for too long and so this semi-detached thing appears to be good, but it isn't. It's just another broken damaged man in slightly different clothing. This is why I said that you need to really take a long hard look at yourself and what is attracting you to effed up toxic men.

 

I’m very careful when it comes to sex. I don’t take pills but condoms are an absolute must all the time. Also, if I notice anything weird, I withdraw immediately. It’s not like I’m careless. I don’t want to become pregnant, either. It’s too early for that. But, heck, I want to have normal sex. Is that too much to ask?

 

No, absolutely it's not too much to ask and the reason I said that withholding intimacy IS abusive. You are not being unreasonable, he is being an a hole and you should have walked long ago.

[Badabum33]

There are so many red flags and incompatibilities that it seems the only reason you are hanging out with him is because you are lonely. You may be able to meet less bitter, angry men with issues like his on some local dating apps.

 

To tell you the truth, I’m not actively looking for a significant other. This happened by accident; I just wanted to party and have fun and we met.

 

I guess I’ll have to make friends first, but that’s so hard in this country. Oh, well. Maybe I was a bit lonely, too. I was all alone for almost one year.

[boltnrun]

It's easier to find boyfriends than to find friends in your country?

[bluecastle]

But, heck, I want to have normal sex. Is that too much to ask?

 

Um, no. I would say that a satisfying sex life is about as small an ask from romance as you can get, given that it's a pretty critical ingredient to the thing we call romance, and why we bother with it. Sacrificing it is kind of like going to a very nice restaurant and only ordering water: nice enough environment, easy to be comfortable in and what have you, but you walk away hungrier than you were when you walked in the door.

 

I'd maybe consider reflecting on this idea that you are "notorious" for leaving relationships "too soon," and instead think that it may be that you've stayed in the wrong relationships for too long. Get a clear idea of some essential things that you need from romance—on the sexual front, the children front, and so on—and use them as a compass when exploring people early. Ideally, the comfort you feel with someone isn't connected to being cool if it ends, but because you've found someone with whom you don't want the exploring to ever end.

[Badabum33]

It's easier to find boyfriends than to find friends in your country?

 

As I said before, I moved to a new country. And yes, making friends here is very, very hard. People aren’t really intimate or into meeting strangers. I speak the local language fluently, so it’s not because of the language barrier. I’d moved to other countries in the past and making friends was a piece of cake. Here it’s a nightmare. I guess I’ll have to find other expats.

[Badabum33]

I'd maybe consider reflecting on this idea that you are "notorious" for leaving relationships "too soon," and instead think that it may be that you've stayed in the wrong relationships for too long. Get a clear idea of some essential things that you need from romance—on the sexual front, the children front, and so on—and use them as a compass when exploring people early. Ideally, the comfort you feel with someone isn't connected to being cool if it ends, but because you've found someone with whom you don't want the exploring to ever end.

 

Thank you for your advice. It’s true that I still have a rather blurry idea of what I want from a relationship. I concentrated on learning to be alone without feeling lonely instead. Now I kinda miss being alone.

 

I’ll spend some time reflecting on these things, though. Maybe that’s what will make all the difference in my future relationships. Thanks again!

[DancingFool]

I guess I dated really terrible guys in the past. I felt like myself because when he’s not with his kids, he’s fun to be with. He’s not too serious all the time, we do a lot of funny things and play fun games together, he’s cool and we don’t argue about useless things, he likes peace and harmony just like I do... but maybe it’s also because I feel no pressure to keep him that I feel so comfortable.

 

As I said before, I moved to a new country. And yes, making friends here is very, very hard. People aren’t really intimate or into meeting strangers. I speak the local language fluently, so it’s not because of the language barrier. I’d moved to other countries in the past and making friends was a piece of cake. Here it’s a nightmare. I guess I’ll have to find other expats.

 

Finding some expats is always a good idea or even just an international community in general might make you feel more like you can relate and find some support, friends, and otherwise common ground. Outside of that, if you feel like it's a hard place and like you just don't fit in no matter what, probably best to start working on moving to where you are feeling more at home. Might not be easy or fast, but I'd start working on that instead of trying to pound a square peg into a round hole.

[Badabum33]

Yeah, I won’t stay in this country forever. I stay for now because it makes me very productive and I’m successful as far as work projects go. That’s a good reason for now :)

 

Thank you for the advice

[bluecastle]

Whatever it is you miss about being alone? Odds are you’ll find some answers there about what you want, and need, from a relationship. Ideally the two don’t have to be so binary.

 

And if you’re in a kind of temporary place in life, geographically speaking? Odds are slim that you’re going to find a solid match with someone with kids.

 

Things to think about, or not, as you see fit.

[DancingFool]

I guess I dated really terrible guys in the past. I felt like myself because when he’s not with his kids, he’s fun to be with. He’s not too serious all the time, we do a lot of funny things and play fun games together, he’s cool and we don’t argue about useless things, he likes peace and harmony just like I do... but maybe it’s also because I feel no pressure to keep him that I feel so comfortable.

 

Yeah, I won’t stay in this country forever. I stay for now because it makes me very productive and I’m successful as far as work projects go. That’s a good reason for now :)

 

Thank you for the advice

 

I've moved around a lot for work and business and I can definitely relate to the down sides of that. There have been places I've moved to where I really felt like I was in a twilight zone. However, I also thought, "I'm not thaaat special, so there have to be people like me out there" and I was right. They just took some effort and finding and time and effort and more effort. That said, moving around can make you vulnerable to bad relationships just because you want company and don't want to be alone. So fun times, even when otherwise toxic, can seem attractive, but have some strength to say no to that and seek out your kind of people. Trust me when I say they exist. They do and once you find them, it's sooo worth it.

 

I still have friends all around the world I keep in touch with thanks to apps where we chat and joke with each other all the time. If it wasn't for covid, we'd be riding bikes through Europe right now. A whole horde of international, fit, raunchy, hot ladies looking for a good time. Postponed but not cancelled.

 

Anyway, OP, you can do it. Get rid of losers faster and focus on meeting people you jive with. It's worth the work and the searching effort.

 

 

Edit to add: don't know why it's double quoting everything now.....

[Badabum33]

However, I also thought, "I'm not thaaat special, so there have to be people like me out there" and I was right. They just took some effort and finding and time and effort and more effort. That said, moving around can make you vulnerable to bad relationships just because you want company and don't want to be alone. So fun times, even when otherwise toxic, can seem attractive, but have some strength to say no to that and seek out your kind of people. Trust me when I say they exist. They do and once you find them, it's sooo worth it.

 

 

Wow. Excellent advice. Thank you so much! It’s true, there are more than 7 billion people in the world. I’m by no means special. I’m sure there are other people who aren’t that serious all the time and want to learn and experience new things. And speak many languages. And find ways of becoming better every day. I’ll keep looking :)

[Wiseman2]

Why settle down if you don't want to?

[Spawn]

why do you want to settle for this, when you can go date singles with no baggage and also have your own kids in future.

[Batya33]

Wow. Excellent advice. Thank you so much! It’s true, there are more than 7 billion people in the world. I’m by no means special. I’m sure there are other people who aren’t that serious all the time and want to learn and experience new things. And speak many languages. And find ways of becoming better every day. I’ll keep looking :)

 

I agree and you will hopefully choose to stop getting in your own way of finding the right match. I had to learn that for sure!

[Badabum33]

why do you want to settle for this, when you can go date singles with no baggage and also have your own kids in future.

 

You’re right. I guess it’s because of my low self esteem. I believe “I won’t find what I’m looking for” or “if I do, they won’t be interested in me”, or “he has some good qualities that are hard to find, like honesty” and all that nonsense. Oh, well. Wish me luck, tomorrow is the day

[Wiseman2]

Enjoy your freedom. You don't have to latch onto anyone. You can explore the country on your own because you are fluent in the language. Try getting involved in some other pursuits there. This tour guide-nanny exchange seems like a bad deal. Keep in mind even being fluent, there are cultural and mentality differences and nuances. Try to make friends as well as date.

I believe “I won’t find what I’m looking for” or “if I do, they won’t be interested in me”, or “he has some good qualities that are hard to find, like honesty” and all that nonsense.