Anxiety Help - Journal

[Batya33]

I don't change immediately. I wipe down my groceries and then get undressed and then shower. After my walk yesterday I had to go out again later in tbe day and it seemed ridiculous to shower and shampoo twice, plus I was outside and passed by some people but was not inside a building with a lot of other people. One jogger huffed and puffed right on my arm. I didn't like that but I used a disinfecting wipe on my arm when I got home. Then I took off my pants and changed my shirt. I went to the grocery store later in the day and showered after that. It's exhausting to go through all that but it's what I need to do.

 

Virtual training continues today and per usual I was unable to sleep. I can't even explain why. I wanted to skip or go late but I don't think I can. So tired...

 

I'm sorry you couldn't sleep! I wear long pants and sleeves or have no contact with my skin so I shower once a day after my workout and that's it with rare exception. But I do remove the clothing.

[boltnrun]

I got into the habit of showering in the late afternoon. That way I can run any errand I need to in the morning and shower after I'm done. It eliminates multiple showers per day. The only exception is if I have to go to the doctor (don't want to go there unshowered ) or yesterday when I met my son for a walk ( didn't want to be stinky lol). I don't care about showering before I go grocery shopping or to the laundromat or the pharmacy.

 

And it's such an ordeal shampooing my hair! I have extremely coarse, curly, unruly hair that takes FOREVER to shampoo, condition, apply styling cream and then let dry. Shampooing after work is a drag because it takes a minimum of two hours to air dry and blow drying takes an hour. I hate my hair!

[Batya33]

I have coarse unruly hair too!I use creams etc but not during this pandemic-I don't care. I have to shower in the morning after I work out but I hear you! Have you ever done keratin or brazillian straightening? I never have but know people who swear by it.

[boltnrun]

I have coarse unruly hair too!I use creams etc but not during this pandemic-I don't care. I have to shower in the morning after I work out but I hear you! Have you ever done keratin or brazillian straightening? I never have but know people who swear by it.

 

I actually don't mind the curls. I don't want straight hair. I just get annoyed at how long it takes to wash, condition, apply styling cream and air dry. I was keeping it short but then Covid. I have an appointment for a haircut for July 1st. I will have two inches cut off. It will make things so much easier!

[Batya33]

I actually don't mind the curls. I don't want straight hair. I just get annoyed at how long it takes to wash, condition, apply styling cream and air dry. I was keeping it short but then Covid. I have an appointment for a haircut for July 1st. I will have two inches cut off. It will make things so much easier!

 

Wow! I went back to curly after many years - I like it too but I don't bother with my hair right now-I'll get it cut and colored when it's safer!

[boltnrun]

Had my first therapy session today. Very nice lady. She seemed amazed at all the things I've been through in my childhood and how ill I have been as an adult. I told her, that's why this upsets me so much. I've survived a lot and I'm still here, I don't want this pandemic to be the thing that does me in. I need to find a way to fight through this.

 

Problem is, my fears are not out of nowhere. I didn't just randomly become afraid to go out. And normally part of the treatment would be for me to try going out into crowds but right now that is legit not safe! So treatment will be tricky.

 

She recommends continuing therapy and medication. I told her it was OK with me to try medication if it helps get me out of feeling the way I currently do.

 

Therapy is kind of exhausting...but I need it.

 

Now I have a bunch of homework to do. Hope I can focus!

[Spawn]

is this a medication for life long or depending on how things work out in future you can be off it?

[boltnrun]

is this a medication for life long or depending on how things work out in future you can be off it?

 

I don't think there's any way to know how I'll respond to the meds. We will have to see, I'm sure.

 

Right now I'm willing to try whatever it takes. How I feel right now can't continue.

 

It's more complex because, as my therapist said, there actually is a legitimate cause for people to be concerned. My fears are not completely irrational. If I was afraid of being abducted by aliens that would be a different story.

[boltnrun]

My team of coworkers is planning a get together at a bar. I can't tell them I'm too afraid to go. I guess I'll have to come up with some excuse.

 

I can't believe they think going to a bar is a great idea when our area is having day after day of record setting number of new Covid cases. They are not afraid, not one bit. They're discussing what cocktails they plan to order.

 

No. Nope. No way. I am not going to risk my life just to drink an Old Fashioned.

 

The statewide order is to only go out if you really need to. Gathering at a bar is not essential. Sheesh.

[Spawn]

so they are planning to drink and maintain social distancing

Straw for drinking so no touching glasses, and then you can make it go through the mask. one sneeze here and there people will run like chickens and then the bar will again follow rules in pandemic scenarios

Get together over zoom or teams its not that exciting but its safe i think

[boltnrun]

They want to meet in person. We've been meeting virtually for 2 weeks.

 

I told them I am considered high risk and my doctor has advised me to only go out if I absolutely have to. They accept that.

 

I am willing to go out to do some things but sitting in a crowded bar is not one of them. Bars here are not enforcing social distancing, btw. One bar I used to frequent years ago proudly announced they were reopening, then one week later had to send another announcement that they were reclosing because an employee had Covid. The employee worked while infectious so they were required to notify their customers.

 

Yeah, not going to take that chance.

[boltnrun]

My usual laundromat was super busy so I went to a different one. A male employee who is wiping down the tables has a vicious cough. I told him his cough was making me very nervous, but he's still there. AND the couple who I presume are the owners are just letting him stay there coughing and coughing! I have to do my laundry so I loaded up my clothes as quickly as possible and I'm sitting in my car waiting for them to finish washing. Then I still need to dry them.

 

And people wonder why I'm experiencing anxiety...

 

If I get Covid it will be from that man. Guaranteed.

[Seraphim]

What is happening there is a travesty I shake my head daily.

[boltnrun]

A customer asked that man if he was feeling better while I was taking my clothes out of the dryer. Proof positive that he was at least sick enough for regular customers to enquire. Of course I have no idea if he had Covid or something else.

 

He wasn't coughing constantly, but enough to be noticeable. When I said something to him he pointed to his mask. Wearing a mask doesn't give you permission to come to work sick! He also seemed to be insulted that I was wiping down a table he had already wiped. He said "I already wiped that table!" Well, he was using the same gross rag to wipe all the tables. Sorry, I will wipe them down myself anyway, Coughy Man. I noticed that other customer also had wipes and was using them to wipe down the area he was using.

 

I need more wipes.

 

In other news, I scored 20 KN95 masks. Down side was I had to drive 35 minutes to go pick them up. No delivery available. The store was almost completely empty which was great, but they had no cashiers working which wasn't great. Me and another customer stood there for about 10 minutes waiting for one of the 5 employees to help us. Then the cashier asked to see my ID and tried to take it out of my hand to look at it. Nope, Lady, you cannot put your grubby paws on my ID! She was sharing the computer with the other 4 employees so I was not going to let her have it. Then when I was putting my phone back in my pocket somehow my debit card fell out of my pocket and onto the floor. Great...

 

It's been a horrible day all the way around. I'm staying home for the next 3 days.

[boltnrun]

What is happening there is a travesty I shake my head daily.

 

People would rather open up than stay safe. They are willing to risk others' lives so they can go have a burger and a beer or go to mini golf. And businesses need money, so they are willing to take the chance of people dying in order to open up.

 

What is unbelievable is the news programs. I watch the morning news and they will have a report on how much the Covid cases are spiking, then their very next story will be a Yay! This restaurant/spa/amusement place is opening up and you should go there!!! Do they not see the irony?

[Seraphim]

Here we are at 111 for the entire province so I feel more safe.

[boltnrun]

Here we are at 111 for the entire province so I feel more safe.

 

That's terrific. I hope your province continues to remain safe.

 

I lost another pound. Sad face. Today I had an early dinner consisting of two hot dogs on buns with mayo, mustard and pickles, along with barbecue beans. I know that is all unhealthy but I need to gain weight.

[Seraphim]

That's terrific. I hope your province continues to remain safe.

 

I lost another pound. Sad face. Today I had an early dinner consisting of two hot dogs on buns with mayo, mustard and pickles, along with barbecue beans. I know that is all unhealthy but I need to gain weight.

 

I was in my fav boutique today the owner said I have lost weight. I bought a top that I modelled in her last fashion show. The exact size that I modelled is now a little too big. Would be all the walking I’m doing though. My scale doesn’t say I lost weight but I could be losing inches.

[boltnrun]

Interestingly, the cousin who had been posting all of the "Coronavirus is a liberal media hoax! Hospitals are empty but are pretending to be full because they get money for every Coronavirus case they report!!" suddenly stopped. She lives in Texas. Hm, wonder why the posts suddenly stopped.

 

I hate for people to have to learn hard way, especially when it's someone I legitimately care about.

[boltnrun]

I was in my fav boutique today the owner said I have lost weight. I bought a top that I modelled in her last fashion show. The exact size that I modelled is now a little too big. Would be all the walking I’m doing though. My scale doesn’t say I lost weight but I could be losing inches.

 

I'm sure you are getting more fit. Although weight may remain the same (or even increase), you have reduced inches.

[boltnrun]

I can't decide if I should go for a drive tomorrow or just walk my neighborhood. I'm leaning toward a drive because I would love to see my old stomping grounds (beautiful scenery overlooking the ocean) and I'm also searching for a drive through car wash. I had a garage at my old house but here it's only street parking. My poor car is filthy :( I found a drive through car wash yesterday but they had a guy sitting there who you had to roll down your window and pay. Hello, social distancing! I want the kind where you use your debit card to pay and then just drive through. My old city (where my kids were born and raised) has them.

 

I risk losing my parking space but that's OK for now.

 

Side note: I am watching old episodes of Property Brothers. I love home décor and looking at houses. But why, why, why??!!! do these people wear their filthy, disgusting street shoes inside their homes?? And then at the end when they have people over they are all also wearing their gross street shoes inside. I tell people to remove their shoes before they come in and no one minds. Ick!!!

[boltnrun]

My other cousin who was a die-hard supporter of a certain national leader has flip flopped. She is now posting about how Covid affects those with autoimmune disorders and how she hopes people are mindful about potentially exposing someone who has less ability to fight the virus. I guess she isn't buying the "hoax" theory and doesn't seem to subscribe to the belief that the worst is over and our country's highest leaders have handled the pandemic crisis admirably.

 

It's a shame people only believe it when it affects them directly.

 

Also, am I supposed to "like" those Facebook posts that show my friends and some family members taking their elderly relatives out to dine at restaurants or taking their toddler grandchildren to the McDonald's play area and letting them run around and play? Because I won't. I think it's terribly irresponsible.

 

Ugh, we can defeat this pandemic but we all need to fight it. But too many people would rather pretend everything's back to "normal", or they want to politicize mask wearing and business regulations. We keep up like this and we will lose half the population. I feel for the poor health care workers in hospitals. I can't even imagine.

[Seraphim]

I can't decide if I should go for a drive tomorrow or just walk my neighborhood. I'm leaning toward a drive because I would love to see my old stomping grounds (beautiful scenery overlooking the ocean) and I'm also searching for a drive through car wash. I had a garage at my old house but here it's only street parking. My poor car is filthy :( I found a drive through car wash yesterday but they had a guy sitting there who you had to roll down your window and pay. Hello, social distancing! I want the kind where you use your debit card to pay and then just drive through. My old city (where my kids were born and raised) has them.

 

I risk losing my parking space but that's OK for now.

 

Side note: I am watching old episodes of Property Brothers. I love home décor and looking at houses. But why, why, why??!!! do these people wear their filthy, disgusting street shoes inside their homes?? And then at the end when they have people over they are all also wearing their gross street shoes inside. I tell people to remove their shoes before they come in and no one minds. Ick!!!

I love Reno show too . I don’t understand the whole wear the shoes in the house thing either Canadians don’t do that. I know some Americans do but that’s not a Canadian thing at all.

[boltnrun]

Things are bad here and I know it.

 

But...I read an article from a very reliable source that said what I've been suspecting all along. Direct human contact is the most efficient way for the virus to be transmitted. I think it said you only have a 10% chance of coming into contact with the virus off of a surface, and even then it most likely would be so weakened you couldn't contract it (exception being if it had been a very short amount of time between the virus landing on the surface and a person touching it). This medical professional said he wishes businesses would focus less on wiping down surfaces and focus more on making sure workers are socially distanced and are wearing PPE (masks, goggles, face shields, etc.). Also on keeping work areas well ventilated.

 

Of course places like the grocery store are not well ventilated and there are a lot of people crammed into close quarters. Also places like laundromats. So it's very important to maintain social distance, wear a mask, and minimize the amount of time you are around others. I get away from people as quickly as possible.

 

This is the reason why I'm so nervous about returning to work. My company is hiring and hiring and hiring, anticipating that a lot of people will stop coming to work due to contracting Covid. They have hired so many that there is nowhere to put them so they are crammed into the building looking for somewhere to stand. Managers pretend to follow regulations but they don't bother unless someone else is looking. I've literally witnessed managers telling employees to step away from each other before they take a photo that is supposed to prove social distancing is happening, then telling them they can step back after they've taken the photo. They lie so they won't get yelled at; protecting the workers comes second to covering their own butts. And that's a shame.

 

I plan to leave the company as soon as I possibly can. I will have to pay back my "signing" bonus but that's fine, I will do that. The only holdup is, of course, the challenge of finding a job during a pandemic. I have almost 3 months worth of expenses saved up and I will have to make that be enough.

 

Sigh...

 

My brother asked if he could come visit or if I would go visit him. I told him to come here because I feel like I have more control over my own home. He has been traveling and has gone to restaurants and I don't know how he maintains his home. Here we can wear masks and stay 6 feet apart and we can go for a walk above the beach.

[Batya33]

It's all so confusing!!! Just to do a little schadenfreude- we had a boil water advisory for over 24 hours this weekend -luckily we had water so I could run laundry and dishwasher -many didn't. Imagine during a pandemic!!

 

I'm glad you're finding sources of information you trust.