Anxiety Help - Journal

[Batya33]

So there was a huge water main break nearby so in an abundance of caution they issued a boil water advisory until they could fix the issue and do the sample tests. We had water just couldn't use it for drinking or hand washing related to food prep. Boiled water I discovered takes a loooooonggg time to cool!

I'm glad you're feeling better about it. I agree with you.

[boltnrun]

One thing I haven't been able to do (with the exception of my panic attack Wednesday night) is cry. I feel like a good cry might help relieve some of the extreme stress I'm feeling. There's a film that has one scene that never fails to make me cry. It doesn't touch on fear or anxiety but rather grief. But I'm seriously considering watching it just so I can have a good, stress-relieving cry.

 

I'm also wanting to try a walk tomorrow. Not today, because I presume there will be crowds at the bluff overlooking the beach near my apartment due to Independence Day, but tomorrow. My son and I went for a walk a couple of Sundays ago fairly early and there was almost no one out walking.

 

I feel like easing into being around people (not large crowds; no one should be doing that right now in my area) is the best way to go. I compare it to treating someone who has a fear of flying. You don't have someone who has extreme flying phobia get on a 16 hour flight to Tokyo or Australia. You ease them into it. Yes, some schools of thought believe in the "throw them into the deep end to force them to swim" mentality but all that does is exacerbate my fear and anxiety. I want to start small and build up, otherwise I fear I will get so scared I'll just quit. And I don't want to quit.

 

Pet peeve! People who call it "Fourth of July" rather than "Independence Day". We don't call it the 25th of December or the 31st of December. That would be silly. That has always bugged me lol.

[Wiseman2]

Fantastic post on OCD/Anxiety, what it is, how it feels, what treatments help, etc.: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=564608&p=7227239&viewfull=1#post7227239

[boltnrun]

Fantastic post on OCD/Anxiety, what it is, how it feels, what treatments help, etc.: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=564608&p=7227239&viewfull=1#post7227239

 

Somewhat relevant but with differences. My anxiety is reality based. Not to say that poster's fears are completely not reality based, but my fear is a result of an extreme anxious reaction to a very real threat.

 

I am currently in treatment. My psychologist agrees with the method of starting small and building up. My goal is not to be comfortable being in crowds (because currently that could literally be life-threatening) but to enable me to return to work. I will feel much more comfortable starting with a smaller group and then, once I see that I am OK and nothing awful has happened, being more comfortable adapting to an environment that requires me to be part of a larger group. I am also seeing my primary doctor Monday to look into medication options. Again, because right now my anxiety is not allowing me to function the way I should be and need to. I am willing to try whatever it takes to relieve this extreme, debilitating anxiety.

 

I do appreciate you replying and providing help. It means more than you think to have people (even people I haven't met in person) responding and offering help and suggestions.

 

Hope you are having a good Independence Day weekend (or just weekend in general if you're not a United States resident!)

[Batya33]

I hate when people call the thanksgiving day parade the Macy’s Parade lol. I agree with easing into what triggers you. The one movie scene that’s guaranteed to make me cry is when Deborah Winger says goodbye to her youngest son from her hospital bed in Terms of Endearment- the music by itself also triggers me.

[Jibralta]

The one movie scene that’s guaranteed to make me cry is when Deborah Winger says goodbye to her youngest son from her hospital bed in Terms of Endearment- the music by itself also triggers me.

 

OMG I just watched that movie for the first time and hated it! I couldn't relate to anyone in it. By that point with her son, I was totally beyond sympathy for all of the characters and was just glad the movie was finally over. I know people really love that movie, though. I think my mom and sister are big fans of it.

 

What makes me cry.....? My boyfriend says I cry a lot during movies. Most recently at the end of Terminator 2, when Arnold Schwarzenegger somehow gives the kid the thumbs-up whilst almost completely submerged in molten metal. I don't remember crying, but he swears I did. I wouldn't put it past me. I love that movie.

 

I'm pretty sure that The Untouchables makes me cry, that part where Sean Connery is dying and Kevin Costner thinks Sean Connery is reaching for his religious medallion, but he's actually reaching for evidence. Sean Connery shoves away the medallion, grabs the evidence, thrusts it at Kevin Costner and gasps, "What are you prepared to do??" with his dying breath... Gets me every time.

 

The whole beginning of the Pixar movie Up! had me sobbing into my popcorn. Boyfriend, too. He felt mortally offended by the pathos and almost didn't want to watch the rest of the movie. But we did. Totally worth it. They don't make them like that anymore.

[Wiseman2]

Does your insurance cover a psychiatrist, MD? Not just talk therapy and general practitioners? Perhaps a more accurate and professional diagnosis and treatment would finally help with the exhausting and crippling OCD. That was the point of the other thread/post. Getting appropriate care, not the subject of the obsessions or compulsive behavior.

[boltnrun]

Does your insurance cover a psychiatrist, MD? Not just talk therapy and general practitioners? Perhaps a more accurate and professional diagnosis and treatment would finally help with the exhausting and crippling OCD. That was the point of the other thread/post. Getting appropriate care, not the subject of the obsessions or compulsive behavior.

 

I am seeing a clinical psychologist and a primary care doctor (MD). They are coordinating my care. I do not believe their diagnosis and treatment are either inaccurate or unprofessional.

 

I'm not sure why you think they are inaccurate or unprofessional.

 

Wiseman, I am sure you are trying to help. But telling me the treatment I am receiving is unprofessional and inaccurate isn't super helpful. You are making assumptions that my care team is unprofessional. In fact, they are excellent and are working with me to overcome my condition.

[boltnrun]

I went for a short walk this morning. I kind of forced myself to get up fairly early and get out there. It started out great, very few people out and I was able to avoid almost everyone. The closest people came within no more than about 5 feet for just a few seconds.

 

I only lasted about 10 minutes and then was heading back home. Then, here came the people! Both sides of the street, up and down, nowhere to go to get away. So I was going to get some things out of my car and just head inside. Then I saw my downstairs neighbor whose car was parked behind me loading his surfboard onto his car. Jeez! So I went around the corner and came back and he was still there. So I said "good morning" to him and went inside. A few minutes later he left and I went back downstairs to get my stuff.

 

Next week is full...I have a primary care doctor appointment Monday morning, then an appointment to see an apartment. This apartment has washer/dryer hookups so I wouldn't have to go to a laundromat anymore. I would have to buy the appliances but I am sure I can find a good deal somewhere. I would need to go through the stress of moving again but this time I can have family help me and I know they would be much more mindful of being careful and not be setting my furniture down in the street! And I will probably grab some groceries afterward. Tuesday I see my psychologist. I might do laundry that morning. Wednesday I am going to try the DMV but if there's a big line I will not go in. Thursday I have an appointment for a Covid test. I don't believe I've been exposed but I want to be able to see my kids a bit more and I will feel more comfortable being around them if I get a negative test. Nothing scheduled for Friday since my Friday's have been bad for the past two weeks.

 

I think I do better when I have things I have to do. Otherwise I get too used to sitting in my apartment and I don't want to get to the point where I can't leave at all. I do need to force myself to (as safely as possible) go do things.

[Seraphim]

Now I just strictly look at my health dept website and province COVID response website. I no longer listen to “ opinions” because well every a has one. If it irritates me right now I immediately cut it out of my life because my tolerance for anything is very low. My anxiety greatly improved . I would just say for right now mute anything that doesn’t agree with your view point. News reports , YouTube ,family members , friends whatever , mute the insanity and listen to science and that is it. Just make it one point in the day and the rest of the day forget about it. I do my Covid check for the province at 10:30 every day and then I don’t think about Covid anymore. Obviously I’m careful but it’s not taking over my life.

[boltnrun]

I'm able to laugh at those who are still insisting Covid doesn't exist and it's a liberal media hoax. They have no evidence to support this except for some tin foil hat conspiracy theories (such as, the doctors and nurses interviewed on news media are "actors"). A friend of mine is currently caring for his grandmother who was hospitalized for Covid. He's not an actor, I assure you! I also find it interesting that my cousins who insisted on the "hoax" theory have been silent ever since their areas have become hot spots. Believe me, I would love it if it weren't real. But it is.

 

I only look at the news for a few minutes to stay informed and then switch over to something like the YouTube videos I enjoy. And I just sigh at the people who insist on invading those videos (that are not about anything remotely connected to the pandemic) to spout their conspiracy theories. I'm like, don't you have something to do? Right now I have a beach house renovation show on in the background. I love houses and architecture. My neighborhood has some absolutely lovely historical homes.

 

I'm in treatment because obviously it is taking over my life, but I am trying to do more to focus on other things. I am a little excited about going to see this apartment tomorrow. I am not sure I'd even be able to move (just in case I do decide to leave my job, my income would probably be greatly reduced) but it's kind of exciting to see it and maybe be able to improve my life just a little bit.

 

I am still hoping we get a handle on the pandemic, too. I feel like people are going to get angry about the lack of responsibility from the highest government officials and will start behaving better. And I'm no medical professional but it seems to me that there are fewer cases resulting in death which might indicate the virus is becoming weaker the more it spreads. If it could get down to where people can recover without having to be hospitalized, maybe it will eventually become weak enough to eventually kill itself. I don't know, I could be completely off base. But inside me I still have hope things will get better.

[Wiseman2]

Only suggesting what I would do and that is to see a specialist. For example if I had a condition so severe that I needed to be on disability, I would see the respective specialist in that field. Peace out.

telling me the treatment I am receiving is unprofessional and inaccurate isn't super helpful. You are making assumptions that my care team is unprofessional.

[boltnrun]

Only suggesting what I would do and that is to see a specialist. For example if I had a condition so severe that I needed to be on disability, I would see the respective specialist in that field. Peace out.

 

My point is, I am seeing a specialist. I don't know where you got the idea I'm seeing a "talk therapist " because I never said that. And I see a specialist for my other medical conditions. I always have.

 

Something I would like to add...I have only seen my psychologist 3 times. I was diagnosed mid June. I don't feel like I should be "healed" after 3 visits. It's going to take more time than that.

[Seraphim]

My point is, I am seeing a specialist. I don't know where you got the idea I'm seeing a "talk therapist " because I never said that. And I see a specialist for my other medical conditions. I always have.

 

Something I would like to add...I have only seen my psychologist 3 times. I was diagnosed mid June. I don't feel like I should be "healed" after 3 visits. It's going to take more time than that.

 

It took me quite a while after my breakdown.

[boltnrun]

I went 3 places today. First stop was at my primary doctor (yes, a specialist ) who agreed with medication but disagreed with the Klonopin. He is putting me on Celexa (the generic version) because he doesn't want me to take something that is somewhat of a tranquilizer and also doesn't want me to become dependent (as you mentioned, Seraphim). I should be able to pick it up tomorrow.

 

Next I went to view the apartment. I like it! It has a pretty large laundry room (inside the apartment, so it would be my own), a decent size living room, small kitchen, bathroom and bedroom. What's really nice is there's an entrance through the laundry room where I could undress without bringing my clothes into the actual apartment. I like that a lot. Downsides are that it's not in as nice a neighborhood and it's a ground floor rather than a second floor. There are security bars on the windows which is good. Also, I think it would need some internet/cable TV connections installed. Same rent but the added bonus of my own private laundry.

 

Last stop was the grocery store. Not as crowded as the last few times. No Lysol spray but I did get a small container of wipes. I ordered some online so the small container will last until those come in.

 

I lost another 3 pounds. Sad face. I'm trying to eat more.

 

No more ventures outside today. Tomorrow is my next psychologist appointment.

 

I do still need to go get my driver license for this state, but the wait is 2 hours. That's a big NOPE!

[boltnrun]

Other apartment is out. They would want me to pay off the rest of my current lease. That doesn't make sense financially, to be paying rent on two apartments. I already did that once, when my company kept pushing back my move date. I don't want to do that again, it would be a total waste of money.

 

Oh well, I'll just have to continue going to the laundromat for at least the next two months. I do have a certain level of comfort at the laundromat I've been going to. It's about 4 blocks away and is set up pretty well. It gets busy sometimes but I can just go sit in my car while my clothes wash and dry and it's a very short trip back home.

 

I didn't like that neighborhood much anyway. Mine is closer to the beach by about 8 blocks, seems much safer and I do like having an upper unit. And I don't have to deal with packing up my stuff AGAIN and arranging the move.

 

My next door neighbor has someone visiting her. They are standing in the stairwell. I want them to go inside her apartment and shut the door! Her front door is only about 5 feet from mine. I have my door closed but there's a huge gap between the door and the door frame (love those vintage buildings!). Go inside, people!!

[boltnrun]

Anyone know anything about EMDR therapy?

 

My meds should come in the mail tomorrow or Thursday. It will be interesting to see if they are effective.

 

I want to go for a drive down near my former hometown Friday. It's a lovely area with lots of beautiful scenery. There are places I can pull over and just get out and get some fresh air without crowds of people around. One big advantage of having grown up in this area is that I know some beautiful scenic places that tourists don't know about. I can enjoy them without fear of huge swarms of people being there.

 

I have a Covid test scheduled for Thursday. I haven't been exposed to anyone who has it, and I haven't gone anywhere other than the grocery store, the pharmacy, the laundromat, the gas station and the doctor's office so my chances of community exposure are small, but I am someone who likes to have information. I realize a "not detected" result doesn't mean I will never get it but I still want to know so I don't unknowingly expose others if by chance I do have it. Plus, if it is "not detected" I will feel better about meeting my son and his spouse for walks. We wear masks and do not come close to one another, but still.

[Seraphim]

Anyone know anything about EMDR therapy?

 

My meds should come in the mail tomorrow or Thursday. It will be interesting to see if they are effective.

 

I want to go for a drive down near my former hometown Friday. It's a lovely area with lots of beautiful scenery. There are places I can pull over and just get out and get some fresh air without crowds of people around. One big advantage of having grown up in this area is that I know some beautiful scenic places that tourists don't know about. I can enjoy them without fear of huge swarms of people being there.

 

I have a Covid test scheduled for Thursday. I haven't been exposed to anyone who has it, and I haven't gone anywhere other than the grocery store, the pharmacy, the laundromat, the gas station and the doctor's office so my chances of community exposure are small, but I am someone who likes to have information. I realize a "not detected" result doesn't mean I will never get it but I still want to know so I don't unknowingly expose others if by chance I do have it. Plus, if it is "not detected" I will feel better about meeting my son and his spouse for walks. We wear masks and do not come close to one another, but still.

Absolutely I have done EMDR for my PTSD. You have to be stable to do it . Mine was done with pinging noises in my ears. Basically it is a trauma therapy and what it does is it helps the brain resort these trauma memories into the places in the brain where it should’ve gone in the first place. You never forget the trauma memories but what it does is it takes them out of the forefront of your memory and out of the forefront of your emotions. It helps to remove the emotional attachment to these memories. And you stop seeing the world through a filter of trauma. I did 10 sessions. You will feel very emotional though after sessions and you could get angry before during or after while your brain processes.

[boltnrun]

OK, thank you for the info.

 

My psychologist feels that my unresolved and untreated childhood trauma very much has to do with how I'm reacting now. To summarize, I never felt safe in my childhood home, so I am reacting strongly now because I don't feel safe in the world. I was able to be strong, independent and relatively fearless as long as nothing happened that I couldn't control. The two most recent events were a car accident I had a few years ago which made me fearful of driving on the freeway (although I was still able to do it) and the pandemic. The car accident wasn't my fault. And of course I have no control over the pandemic. Control is a VERY big thing for me because it's how I dealt with feeling unsafe. My coping mechanism is, when I control my environment I am safe. So when things happen that I can't control it sends me into a tailspin. Again, not always and not always this severe, but she feels there is definitely a link.

 

She doesn't want to do the EMDR virtually for obvious reasons so we will have to work on when I will be able to come into her office.

 

Thanks again for the info.

[Seraphim]

OK, thank you for the info.

 

My psychologist feels that my unresolved and untreated childhood trauma very much has to do with how I'm reacting now. To summarize, I never felt safe in my childhood home, so I am reacting strongly now because I don't feel safe in the world. I was able to be strong, independent and relatively fearless as long as nothing happened that I couldn't control. The two most recent events were a car accident I had a few years ago which made me fearful of driving on the freeway (although I was still able to do it) and the pandemic. The car accident wasn't my fault. And of course I have no control over the pandemic. Control is a VERY big thing for me because it's how I dealt with feeling unsafe. My coping mechanism is, when I control my environment I am safe. So when things happen that I can't control it sends me into a tailspin. Again, not always and not always this severe, but she feels there is definitely a link.

 

She doesn't want to do the EMDR virtually for obvious reasons so we will have to work on when I will be able to come into her office.

 

Thanks again for the info.

 

Yes , I don’t believe you can do it virtually. You also must be pretty stable to do it.’ It is very exhausting. Absolutely I totally understand you on the control issue nothing in my life was ever within my control until the last little while.

[boltnrun]

We got a message late last night. My work location's opening has been pushed back AGAIN "at least" until the end of August.

 

My psychologist and I came up with a plan to help me be more comfortable going back to work which involves me working at my assigned location which will have lower staff headcount to start with. We would have about 40 people total instead of 180. This push back means I would be required to work at the 180 person location for 2-3 weeks. We both feel like shoving me into a crowd of 180 people would be too overwhelming and could result in me either panicking and just not showing up at all or panicking while I'm there and running out of the building, causing a big setback in my treatment. The psychologist thought a phased approach is the best plan. But now I would have to be shoved into the huge crowd right off the bat.

 

I submitted a request to have my leave extended for two more weeks. If it is not approved I feel like I have no choice but to resign. I was really hoping to not have to do that...

 

I'm scheduled for a Covid test today. I don't think it's a drive-up (which I was hoping for) but rather I would have to go sit at a table and provide a sample. I have no idea if they disinfect the chairs or tables between patients. If I don't see them disinfecting I will refuse to sit down. These are people who have Covid symptoms and I sure as heck am not going to sit in a chair that others have sat down in.

 

Still not feeling super well. Body aches are a bit less (elbows, knuckles and shoulders ache) but still there and still have allergy-type symptoms. Kind of a rough week mentally.

[Rose Mosse]

Do you have any self-care practices that you've gone over with your psychologist? Are there exercises for example that might help your mind or create a safer space internally? This is a tough situation. I hope you can have the leave extended for another two weeks.

 

After that, is it possible to lower your contact with staff regarding change of duties in the 180 staff location? I don't know how flexible your workplace is. Don't resign yet. Talk to your boss or higher ups about a change of duties or working in less populated/less contact area of the job if possible.

 

Hope you feel better, Bolt. I also have apocalyptic style allergies in July and am on a double dose of anti-histamines (probably not recommended but it's this or crawl out the house with a trail of snot and I am sure this is something no one wants any contact with!). I hope it doesn't get worse for you. Keep your spirits up.

[boltnrun]

My job requires me to be on the floor interacting with the 180 employees for 12 plus hours each shift. There is no way to supervise the employees without being physically present.

 

All positions in the locations require this. There are a very few customer service positions but those are extremely hard to come by and would reduce my salary by about 1/3. Even if I were to find one of those (very rarely available) positions I would have to apply and interview and hope to be selected, then I'd probably have to move in with family because I won't be able to afford to live on my own. The living with family part doesn't bother me but it would be nearly impossible to find one of those jobs. I did a search a couple of days ago and there were none available.

 

And in this company you can't just change roles. You have to search for openings, apply, hope to be selected to interview, go through the interview, wait to see if you are being considered and then wait to see if you get chosen. That process takes a minimum of a month...I know because I've done it about a dozen times. With my current position it took almost 3 months after the interview before I received an offer.

 

I am doing breathing exercises and I should be receiving my Celexa prescription today. My psychologist wants to try EMDR but we can't do that remotely and her office is currently not allowing in-person appointments. My area is near the very top of the most increases in positive Covid cases and is getting worse every day so I completely understand why they aren't doing in-person.

 

I'm on hold right now trying to find out where my leave documents are. They are severely understaffed in the Leave department. People have been on hold for over an hour waiting to get answers. I tried emailing but no one responds because they are so short handed.

 

I'm super discouraged. I really wish I'd left the company last year when I was actively looking for jobs.

[Rose Mosse]

So sorry to hear this. I hope the Celexa comes on time today. Does it have any adverse effects? You can't go back in time. Best not to think of the regrets in switching earlier. I think there are some things some of us too wish we had done differently with work. Are you still ok for groceries?

[boltnrun]

All medications have side effects so I will just wait to see how I respond. Hopefully nothing too bad, although there are warnings about suicidal thoughts have been reported. Last thing I need is to start having dark thoughts.

 

I have to go out to buy my own groceries. I've had limited success with using grocery pickup. Frequently I find that the items they tell me are "unavailable" are actually on the shelves in the store but I guess they want to keep some for the shoppers who come into the store. I've literally had to go pick up my order and then go inside to buy what they said wasn't available, which defeats the entire purpose of arranging for pickup. I tend to need to buy water, cat food, litter and milk most often.

 

Jeez, these body aches! I saw on the news that the Brazilian president reported his only symptoms were body aches and some digestive issues. Great...I just want them to go away but it's been 5 days and they are still just as bad. I thought they were a bit better this morning but nope, they are just as bad. Hands and knees feel somewhat better but my shoulders and elbows hurt and now my upper back is starting in.

 

Thanks Rose Mosse. I don't really have anyone to talk to so this really helps.