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Anxiety Help - Journal


boltnrun
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Don’t forget anxiety causes a massive cortisol dump into your system too.

 

I read that cortisol actually makes you gain weight. So you think I will easily gain the weight back due to the anxiety? Because I find the opposite happens to me. When I'm anxious and/or depressed I have no appetite and eat very little.

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Second weekend in a row the apartment building next door residents are hosting a party in their outside patio area. It seems it is a birthday party. They are now at the time in the party where the grownups have all had a lot to drink and are getting very loud. First of all, parties are not allowed unless it's people from the same household...

 

I am grateful it's the building next door and not my building. The only thing I've seen my building neighbors do is sit outside in the sun on the driveway. But that's allowed because it's just the husband and wife downstairs. They aren't inviting a bunch of people over.

 

I am both looking forward to my walk with my son and his spouse tomorrow and anxious about it. They have not yet seen me acting weird like I have been for the past few months. I did tell them I was having mental health issues, and I have found that being honest about it is the best policy. So I will warn them they may witness some strange, obsessive behavior from me.

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Second weekend in a row the apartment building next door residents are hosting a party in their outside patio area. It seems it is a birthday party. They are now at the time in the party where the grownups have all had a lot to drink and are getting very loud. First of all, parties are not allowed unless it's people from the same household...

 

I am grateful it's the building next door and not my building. The only thing I've seen my building neighbors do is sit outside in the sun on the driveway. But that's allowed because it's just the husband and wife downstairs. They aren't inviting a bunch of people over.

 

I am both looking forward to my walk with my son and his spouse tomorrow and anxious about it. They have not yet seen me acting weird like I have been for the past few months. I did tell them I was having mental health issues, and I have found that being honest about it is the best policy. So I will warn them they may witness some strange, obsessive behavior from me.

 

People can’t help if they don’t know. Hugs. I am sure you will be perfectly OK.

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People can’t help if they don’t know. Hugs. I am sure you will be perfectly OK.

 

Thank you.

 

My friend who helped me move just pretty much humored my weirdness. If I told her I needed to do something or not do something she just went along with it. I feel like my kids will be the same. I warned my friend that I would have meltdowns and would make some strange requests. I'll just tell my kids the same thing. Although I don't anticipate meltdowns. The meltdowns were due to the stresses of moving and that is already done.

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Thank you.

 

My friend who helped me move just pretty much humored my weirdness. If I told her I needed to do something or not do something she just went along with it. I feel like my kids will be the same. I warned my friend that I would have meltdowns and would make some strange requests. I'll just tell my kids the same thing. Although I don't anticipate meltdowns. The meltdowns were due to the stresses of moving and that is already done.

That’s why it’s important to get help relatively quickly before this becomes cemented behaviour. The longer it takes anxiety to be treated the more cemented it becomes. I would try fighting against the compulsions to clean and disinfect and everything like that. Especially in your own apartment if somebody has walked in it ,transference from objects is not common at all. You don’t want to cement obsessive compulsive behaviour.

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That’s why it’s important to get help relatively quickly before this becomes cemented behaviour. The longer it takes anxiety to be treated the more cemented it becomes. I would try fighting against the compulsions to clean and disinfect and everything like that. Especially in your own apartment if somebody has walked in it ,transference from objects is not common at all. You don’t want to cement obsessive compulsive behaviour.

 

The referral service said they are "working on" getting me a referral to a professional. That isn't much help to me right now. But I am not comfortable with completely stopping the disinfecting and protecting myself, not yet. My friend told me if it makes me feel more comfortable there's nothing wrong with cleaning and disinfecting, so for now I will continue to do so.

 

I am getting a tiny bit more relaxed with some things. Today I brought in a bag of cat litter that's been in the trunk of my car for over a week. Normally (I mean, the "now" normally, not my usual normally) I would have disinfected it because some other items were in the trunk a couple of days ago and they may have contacted, but I didn't. I just opened it and used it. That may not seem like a huge thing but for me that was a big step. I'm just not yet ready for cold turkey stopping the disinfecting because I know for a fact Covid is still out there.

 

Baby steps.

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Grrr...the neighbors started expanding their party to right under my windows. Fortunately I am on the second floor. Poor lady on the first floor is literally 3 feet from the partygoers.

 

I won't call the police because they have their hands full with the protests, but it's extremely irritating to have people so blatantly ignoring and disregarding the regulations. There have been many instances of Covid infecting groups of people who attended parties, but apparently these people are sure Covid can't affect them!

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People can’t help if they don’t know.

 

Very true. And you will be with people who love you. They've got this.

 

My friend who helped me move just pretty much humored my weirdness. If I told her I needed to do something or not do something she just went along with it. I feel like my kids will be the same. I warned my friend that I would have meltdowns and would make some strange requests. I'll just tell my kids the same thing.

 

In this day and age of information, most people are aware of anxiety-related behavior (like OCD compulsions). I bet your son and his wife will take it all in stride.

 

Although I don't anticipate meltdowns. The meltdowns were due to the stresses of moving and that is already done.

 

Glad to hear that you have experienced at lease some improvement. Too bad your neighbors are d*cks.

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Waiting for my son to text me about the walk. Anxiety is through the roof. Like, it's really bad. I can't figure out why, unless it's because we'll be out amongst people. God I hate this...

 

You know sometimes I find it fruitless to ask why the anixety descends, sigh! I hope you enjoy the walk!

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So, I'm back from the walk.

 

It's a beautiful day outside. We walked down to the beach but there were way too many people along the bluff path, most of them without masks, so we went back into the neighborhood. There are a ton of lovely homes in the neighborhood, most of them historic, so it was very enjoyable. We talked about a lot of things but did a lot of discussing current events (of course). I explained that I was doing some things that are strange (I said "weird") and I knew they were strange but for now this is kind of where I'm at. They understood and humored me when they came to see my apartment which they hadn't seen before.

 

It was very nice to be outside, although there were way too many unmasked people for my comfort. Fortunately the kids are reasonable (IMO) so when we where walking about 20 feet behind a man who stopped and was coughing uncovered several times, the kids suggested crossing over to the other side of the street. They didn't want to be near that guy either!

 

I did really enjoy being outside. It was comforting to have the kids with me but I think I'm going to try some solo walks. The nice thing about being outside is it's easy to get away from people if I feel like I need to. A solo walk would be a major accomplishment for me but I want to give it a try.

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I will.

 

I'm going to take a page out of the AA handbook and say "Today I will try to get outside for a walk". If I am unable to I will cut myself some slack, but I really want to do this. And I won't worry about going for a walk tomorrow, just will try today.

 

I'm expecting to get a message any minute now telling me to report to work immediately. Of course I will have no choice but to go. I would rather wait until my location is working on opening but I am certain I will be asked to help out at another location until mine is ready to go live. Mine is supposed to be preparing to open mid-July, so I am sure there is no way they will allow us to remain home until then. I was worrying about how to wash my work uniform since I no longer have my own wash machine, but my cousin gave me the excellent idea of just spraying it down with disinfectant each day after work. It's basically a vest made of reflective materials (in other words, plastic) so I should be able to do that no problem. And I'll spray down my shoes and gloves as well. Then shower, shampoo and head to bed.

 

Speaking of bed, my cat seems to want to stay in bed all day. She is elderly (15 years old or so) so I guess she doesn't feel like doing much. She's funny.

 

Thanks for the support :)

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No walk today. I had to go to both the pharmacy and the grocery store. Having to go inside two stores felt like enough to me. Plus, we are having unusually hot weather. It's just not pleasant unless you go down to the beach and I don't want to dodge the crowds.

 

I scored both wipes AND a can of Lysol spray. It seems with things reopening and with other things being reported on the news people just aren't buying up the wipes and disinfecting spray the way they used to. I for one will continue to play it safe but others seem to be less concerned.

 

While I was at the store a man in the next aisle over sneezed. A woman said "Oh, that's just GREAT!!" Poor guy, I'm sure he didn't intend to sneeze but that woman reacted the way I probably would have!

 

I'm not feeling super great today. I don't feel well when it's windy and hot. And I didn't sleep well either. I took my temp and checked my blood oxygen (got this nifty device a few weeks ago) and my temp is good and blood oxygen is good as well. But it could be a reaction to the heat and lack of sleep. Throat is sore, I am fatigued and my head aches a bit. Same old symptoms I have had for months that the doctor couldn't really find a root cause for.

 

I have a phone number I can call if the referral service doesn't get me a referral to a therapist in the next day or so. I can speak directly to a counselor and also get a referral. I need this, so I will call the number tomorrow if nothing happens with the coordinator.

 

I'm getting a bit more relaxed regarding going out in public and touching things. I just realize that I will have to touch things and it's OK. I can wear gloves and wash my hands after and I can take off the clothes I wore out in public and shower after I get home and I will be OK. Things that used to send me into a freakout don't have as bad an effect as they used to. I hope that means I am getting a bit better.

 

Hope everyone is doing well.

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I skipped the laundromat this morning. I woke up after inadequate sleep and just decided I would not go today. I will go tomorrow. Plus, it's so hot today! I don't want to be dealing with running around like a maniac at the laundromat lol. So I gave myself permission to go back to sleep and I slept in late! I didn't get up until 8:30.

 

The coordinator arranged for me to get in touch with a clinical psychologist. I have to call his office myself to set an appointment and he is only doing virtual appointments, which is fine with me because I don't have to potentially get all anxious about going to his office. I will call his office after I've woken up a bit more. I have an appointment scheduled with an internist Monday. Since I moved states I will need a new doctor for my various medical conditions.

 

Today will be household chores, getting the remainder of the groceries from yesterday out of my car and wiping them down, changing the cat's litter box, taking out the trash, etc.

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I WENT FOR A SOLO WALK TODAY!!!

 

I didn't go yesterday because I only got 2 hours of sleep and I had to go to the laundromat in the morning (SUPER crowded, the sign says only 10 people in the place at a time and there were 10 people!) so that was out. So I slept in a bit this morning and decided I wanted to go before it gets too hot. So I showered (no shampoo) and gathered up my nerve and out I went! It was warmer than I would have liked which made wearing a mask more uncomfortable but not wearing one was not an option because I do care about others! I walked a few blocks over and a few blocks down and then decided to walk to the bluff that overlooks the ocean. The ocean view from there is not my favorite because the area is more commercialized but it was still nice to see the water. Not too many people. Then I walked back to my car and drove to the grocery store. That particular location is always packed because it's a smaller store and they do not limit the number of people in the store. But I got what I needed including paper towels and another can of Lysol spray! I was disappointed they have not yet restocked their dairy-free frozen desserts but I might need a specialty store for that.

 

Anyway...I go back on virtual training next week so any walks will have to be after class and that's kind of late in the day. But I'll set a goal of two walks and see how it goes!

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Congrats! You did awesome!

 

Thank you!

 

I love my neighborhood. There are dozens and dozens of historical Craftsman and Spanish style homes. I like just looking at them and imagining what it would be like to live in such a beautiful home. My apartment is vintage and has some nice touches but it's not like owning one of those lovely homes.

 

The neighborhood is also very walkable (which is why I chose it) but I can't see myself walking to any of the small restaurants and coffee shops and enjoying what they have just yet. There is a spike of cases in my state (not surprising due to the rush to reopen) and I am not quite ready to give them a try. Which is a shame because I have always supported the "shop small", Mom and Pop type businesses. Maybe I can get better soon and feel comfortable enough to walk down and grab a coffee or juice or order a yummy meal.

 

I haven't called the psychologist yet. I know I need to but I have been feeling less anxious lately. I do fear that once I am ordered to report onsite to work next week it will spike again. So I will go ahead and call tomorrow just to be sure.

 

Weight loss continued but seems to have leveled out. NONE of my clothes fit. I gave away all my "skinny" clothes because after 2 years of trying I could not lose the 8 pounds I wanted to lose so I figured the weight was permanent. So everything falls down or is super baggy. I'm not buying more skinny clothes, my goal is to gain 10 pounds.

 

I need that dairy-free frozen dessert and some sugar-free pies!

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