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Anxiety Help - Journal


boltnrun
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I haven't been able to avoid stress recently (hence this journal) but many of the things that were making me anxious are done now. All that's left is having to return to work in a building with 150 or more people where social distancing is impossible and there have been several cases. That's all...sigh.

 

And I am not in good health. I have medical conditions but nothing severe enough to allow me to stop working. Before all this Covid mess I actually enjoyed my job.

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Thanks!

 

So my apartment is a vintage building. Probably built in the 1940's. The building leans. Like, leans forward and off to one side. You can really feel it. I'm in the living room and I'm tilted forward. The bathroom is especially lean-y. The front door has a gap between the door and the frame that ranges up to about 1". I can see the stairwell light through it. I'm not sure if anything can be done except install some weather stripping in the gap. Maybe I'll contact the management company although I'm not happy about having someone come into my apartment. Maybe I'll buy the weather stripping myself and install it. I've done it before, it's a simple adhesive strip. Looks ugly but hey, it's just a rental.

 

I'm being exceedingly lazy today although I MUST get my plants out of my car and need to unload the car and unpack umpteen boxes. I just feel like relaxing though...

 

You have to see the positive side. Some people pay to experience this https://tourscanner.com/blog/leaning-tower-of-pisa-tickets/

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Oh yeah, I love that the building is vintage. And I figure since it is in a major earthquake zone and it's still standing it must be pretty sturdy. It's just a bit unsettling to be able to see into the stairwell landing even when the front door is closed.

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Oh yeah, I love that the building is vintage. And I figure since it is in a major earthquake zone and it's still standing it must be pretty sturdy. It's just a bit unsettling to be able to see into the stairwell landing even when the front door is closed.

 

The house I live in is 1940s construction too. We pretty much have no insulation in our walls and the back door you can see the light from the outside so winter is pretty cold. In the winter we have our heat up to 25 and in the summer we have our air conditioners turned down to 69 because with no insulation you’re either freezing or sweating.

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Yikes! Mine is insulated but there are the gaps from the leaning. I'll have to work up the nerve to go to the hardware store to buy weather stripping.

 

Trip to the grocery store last night was not fun. My new city requires masks (my previous city only said they are "recommended ") but the store is small and was crowded. I was standing the required 6 feet behind the customer ahead of me in the checkout line and some guy tried to get ahead of me! Then he said "oh, are you in line?" Like, dude, social distancing! Hello!

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So I decided to do grocery pickup again. It eliminates two things, having to go into the store and possibly be around lots of people AND having to disinfect my car, AND feeling like I need to strip down when I get home, then jump immediately into the shower to wash and shampoo. I have been spending a fortune on grocery pickups and Amazon orders, but I do appreciate that I am extremely fortunate to be able to do so.

 

I moved my car today, it was parked about 4' into a red zone. This city is very much about parking enforcement so I wanted to get it out of that red zone. Scored a spot right in front. Someone in a minivan had also seen that the spot was open and was in the process of making a U-turn to grab it, but I was able to just back my car up and get the spot. Around here a close spot is like winning the Lotto. Not sure where minivan person ended up, probably a couple of blocks away.

 

I suppose I'll have to contact work to give them a timeframe update. I can't just vanish off the planet! I told my previous landlord that I'd send the keys today but I don't want to give up my primo parking spot. So I will send them tomorrow when I go out to pick up the groceries.

 

I did put wipes on my order, here's hoping they actually have them in stock and I get them! Fingers crossed!

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Grocery store notified me that they cannot fulfill 4 of the most vItal items I needed. Of course they didn't let me know until this morning when it's too late to cancel the order. Now I will have to end up going inside a different store to get those things.

 

I can't face doing that today since I already have to go into a different store to send back the keys to my old house. So I decided I will go tomorrow or Friday. Of course I got almost no sleep due to anxiety over having to go into that store.

 

Go to shipping store, pick up my half order of groceries, go home, wipe groceries, shower and shampoo and then maybe a nap if I can relax enough.

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Grocery store notified me that they cannot fulfill 4 of the most vItalian items I needed. Of course they didn't let me know until this morning when it's too late to cancel the order. Now I will have to end up going inside a different store to get those things.

 

I can't face doing that today since I already have to go into a different store to send back the keys to my old house. So I decided I will go tomorrow or Friday. Of course I got almost no sleep due to anxiety over having to go into that store.

 

Go to shipping store, pick up my half order of groceries, go home, wipe groceries, shower and shampoo and then maybe a nap if I can relax enough.

 

I've heard about these issues with delivery before! I have to go to the store today. I don't wipe groceries -just quarantine the non-perhishables and put the perishables spaced apart in the fridge. I handle quarantined items with paper towels to open, etc. And wash produce with vegetable and fruit spray as I always do. Lately the articles have been suggesting that no need to wipe and I totally understand why you feel that way!

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It was actually a pickup order. Delivery appointments are about 10 days out. Very nice young lady loaded my bags into my hatchback. I would have felt better if she had gloves on as well as a mask. But I am now bringing the bags inside, setting them down on a designated spot on my kitchen counter, wiping them down, putting frozen and perishablein the freezer or fridge and letting the pantry items sit on the "clean" part of the counter until the bleach cleaner dries.

 

I do wonder if I'm taking a chance of ingesting a bit of bleach, but I rinse off before I use.

 

Couldn't ship the keys. Post office location I went to doesn't ship or mail out (what???), Fed Ex was closed and the UPS store had a 10 person line outside. Neighborhood was not the greatest so I will have to take care of that tomorrow, or if I'm feeling brave, later today. Which would involve a second shower and shampoo.

 

I know I'm weird. Always have been. Not sure if that's because of what happened when I was a child or what, but there it is.

 

Today is overcast and drizzly.

 

Hope you all are having a decent day.

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It was actually a pickup order. Delivery appointments are about 10 days out. Very nice young lady loaded my bags into my hatchback. I would have felt better if she had gloves on as well as a mask. But I am now bringing the bags inside, setting them down on a designated spot on my kitchen counter, wiping them down, putting frozen and perishablein the freezer or fridge and letting the pantry items sit on the "clean" part of the counter until the bleach cleaner dries.

 

I do wonder if I'm taking a chance of ingesting a bit of bleach, but I rinse off before I use.

 

Couldn't ship the keys. Post office location I went to doesn't ship or mail out (what???), Fed Ex was closed and the UPS store had a 10 person line outside. Neighborhood was not the greatest so I will have to take care of that tomorrow, or if I'm feeling brave, later today. Which would involve a second shower and shampoo.

 

I know I'm weird. Always have been. Not sure if that's because of what happened when I was a child or what, but there it is.

 

Today is overcast and drizzly.

 

Hope you all are having a decent day.

 

I hope tomorrow is less chaotic! I had to contend with a couple who blocked the supermarket aisle. Because they had to stop right then to hug each other. Sigh.....

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Thanks. Wow, isn't love grand I guess?

 

I placed another pickup order. I feel what happened is my fault because I stated "No Substitutions" when I placed the order. So I have another one set up for tomorrow and I am allowing substitutions.

 

Oh, and I accidentally bought 2-20 pound bags of cat litter. I don't know if I can even get them upstairs! They're still in my trunk, hopefully there will be enough room for the groceries I'm buying tomorrow because I am not up to going down there to get them.

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Still no milk.

Apparently lactose free milk is something that's hard to get. Yet when I went to the store in person Sunday evening there was plenty. So STILL will need to go to the store tomorrow.

Ordered from Amazon, specifically instructed for the package to be placed on my back porch. Delivery driver puts down "delivered to FRONT porch!" Front steps are communal so who knows where it ended up. I'm about to go check.

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So the delivery guy put my package in the mailbox which is against federal regulations. And this morning's delivery person delivered the package to my downstairs neighbor. Luckily I saw him drive away and when I didn't see the package was where I INSTRUCTED them to put it I went downstairs (in pajamas and robe lol) and found it sitting very nicely in front of the neighbor's door. How nice...I did put in complaints, not that it will do any good.

 

But...I scored some wipes! Finally! I got a 70 count container. I feel like I won the mega million lottery.

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So one thing that bothers me is when people dismiss or make light of my anxiety. My wonderful, amazing friend who came with me to help me move started cracking jokes while I was having a panic attack. I explained that I was not in the mood for jokes and that I don't respond well when people try to get me to laugh during one. She said she didn't know what to say and was just trying to "lighten up" the situation. So I explained the middle of a panic attack is a really bad time for that. I do know she was coming from a good place. She made a mental note and didn't try that tactic again.

 

Others, however, tell me I'm being silly or that I need to just relax (THAT one really lights my fire) or they minimize. Or they play what I call "Suzy Sunshine" like my friend who says "I'm sure it will all be over soon!!!" and "They will hopefully have a vaccine soon!" when we all know one is months away. Or my cousin who, when I spilled my guts to her about how awfully anxious I am, said "Oh, I know! I REALLY miss socializing!" I wish that's all I was concerned about!

 

Anxiety and depression are real. I'm reaching out to try to get some professional help today.

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I think that's probably because they start feeling anxiety as well.

 

The feelings of the people around us influence our own feelings.

 

I think their levity is an attempt to alleviate their own anxiety and discomfort, not to diminish the validity of yours.

 

They simply don't know how to help you.

 

Glad you are reaching out to someone for assistance. It sounds like your anxiety is crippling you.

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I think it is good to reach out for professional help. Hugs. When it is massively controlling your life you need to do this. My son had a massive panic attack in a store today. I had to take him out to the car and talk him down. I totally get you.

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I'm thinking about confiding in my adult son. I normally hide things from the kids because I don't want to worry or burden them. And I certainly don't want them to feel responsible. But when I am this impacted I feel like I need them to know in case I become completely unable to function. I know they would say "why didn't you say anything?" And I have always played the strong, independent role so they just don't check in on me. Right now I need someone to check in on me.

 

Should I say something? Or should I continue to pretend everything's fine?

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I'm thinking about confiding in my adult son. I normally hide things from the kids because I don't want to worry or burden them. And I certainly don't want them to feel responsible. But when I am this impacted I feel like I need them to know in case I become completely unable to function. I know they would say "why didn't you say anything?" And I have always played the strong, independent role so they just don't check in on me. Right now I need someone to check in on me.

 

Should I say something? Or should I continue to pretend everything's fine?

I think you should talk to your kids. I do. You can PM me too if you want. I don’t think people understand how to help but to help you have to acknowledge the person‘s feelings. So I would tell people I need you to acknowledge my feelings in this moment when I am having a panic attack. A person’s feelings can’t be just be dismissed. And acknowledging how somebody feels is not enabling.

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I've told people to please just let me have my little meltdown. Once I let it out I usually recover fairly quickly, but I need to just have that release. If someone tries to dismiss my feelings or contradict what I'm saying or worse, tells me to "relax" or "lighten up" that just makes me angry. And anger and anxiety are not a good combination.

 

I always apologize after a meltdown because I don't want to put people through that. But I need for them to just let me get it off my chest. To be clear, I do not yell at people or speak angrily to them. I honestly just rant about how something has upset me. But I don't direct it at anyone close to me.

 

I think I'll call my son tonight or ask him to call me.

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I've told people to please just let me have my little meltdown. Once I let it out I usually recover fairly quickly, but I need to just have that release. If someone tries to dismiss my feelings or contradict what I'm saying or worse, tells me to "relax" or "lighten up" that just makes me angry. And anger and anxiety are not a good combination.

 

I always apologize after a meltdown because I don't want to put people through that. But I need for them to just let me get it off my chest. To be clear, I do not yell at people or speak angrily to them. I honestly just rant about how something has upset me. But I don't direct it at anyone close to me.

 

I think I'll call my son tonight or ask him to call me.

Absolutely, I understand. My anxiety comes with anger as well as does my son. I have much much better regulation than he does but my anxiety can present as anger.

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So one thing that bothers me is when people dismiss or make light of my anxiety. My wonderful, amazing friend who came with me to help me move started cracking jokes while I was having a panic attack. I explained that I was not in the mood for jokes and that I don't respond well when people try to get me to laugh during one. She said she didn't know what to say and was just trying to "lighten up" the situation. So I explained the middle of a panic attack is a really bad time for that. I do know she was coming from a good place. She made a mental note and didn't try that tactic again.

 

Others, however, tell me I'm being silly or that I need to just relax (THAT one really lights my fire) or they minimize. Or they play what I call "Suzy Sunshine" like my friend who says "I'm sure it will all be over soon!!!" and "They will hopefully have a vaccine soon!" when we all know one is months away. Or my cousin who, when I spilled my guts to her about how awfully anxious I am, said "Oh, I know! I REALLY miss socializing!" I wish that's all I was concerned about!

 

Anxiety and depression are real. I'm reaching out to try to get some professional help today.

 

I understand too and am glad you are seeking help. I'm sorry your friend wasn't supportive!

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So a care coordinator is going to call me Monday. They are expecting to help me set up medical care since I moved out of state but I will ask for help or a referral to mental health services.

 

I've never wanted my kids to know how bad I've been. This began about a year and half ago but with the pandemic it's gotten so bad I fear I won't be able to function. I can pretend pretty good (almost no one ever knows when I'm not feeling well) but it's time to admit I need help and get something started that will get me through my days.

 

Thanks to all of you for your encouraging words. I don't always want to hear a positive spin but it's very much appreciated.

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I talked to my son. Not an easy conversation. But he understands and is encouraging me to work with a professional. Which I plan to do. I did tell.him not to worry but that I would like him to just message me every couple of days as I feel that would help. He agreed and also suggested getting together for some socially distant walks as we live close to one another now. I think that will help a lot too.

 

Funny thing is, I had anxiety about having this conversation with him! I don't ever want to be a burden or a worry to my kids.

 

Hoping for better days.

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I think it's impossible to describe what anxiety is like for you. Everyone experiences anxiety. They believe they can relate. But to degree you have it, it can debilitating. It's just not something they can wrap their head around. I am glad you talked to your son and have his support.

 

I remember at times thinking open heart surgery with no anesthesia would be easier. But I've never had open heart surgery and might very well reconsider that if I had. But that's how desperate I felt sometimes.

 

For a time I took an antidepressant that helped. I was so relieved I cried. I stayed on them for a couple years.

 

I hope you get some relief soon. Hang in there.

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