Is love as best friends enough for a marriage?

[Cherylyn]

I don't think it has to be an either or with this exception - certain people only feel the thrills, excitement "spark" with a bad boy type (or the female equivalent) and in that case yes, the expectation of being with a good person, a person of character and integrity, a person who is innately kind and thoughtful - and feeling that sort of spark - likely isn't going to happen. But that's why for me, for example, I had to become the right person to find the right person -meaning, in part, I had to be a person who could feel a spark, and feel right with, a good person and didn't need to be with someone who played hard to get/was emotionally distant/unavailable to feel the spark.

I'll add too that a "nice guy" often is a bad choice if "nice" means passive/people pleaser/potential doormat - that's not nice, it's self-absorbed -it's acting nice to gain approval -rather than a confident person who chooses kindness, ethics, morality because that's part of that person's makeup/values. We all do things at times to people please, and we all act selfishly sometimes -I'm talking that the basic reasons the person does kind actions is not to people please, not out of insecurity.

 

The spark isn't with just a bad boy such as my BIL (brother-in-law). I was referring to settling for a man who has a lot of boxes checked off but not quite all of them. That's what the problem is and looking past whatever is missing in a person's personality and character will eventually rear its ugly head later on down the road. What may not matter now will indeed matter later! If a person doesn't add up completely in one's brain, it's better to slow down and proceed with caution regarding any future marriage plans. Better to seriously reconsider marriage now than live with a world of regrets later IMHO. Often times after years of marriage, a house, children and the thick of frenetically paced family life, there's a feeling of entrenchment. At that stage, it's not easy to dissolve a marriage then. There's all sorts of legal headaches such as divorce, splitting up real estate, shared custody, child support and constantly dealing with your ex due to the children. It's a lose lose situation all around.

 

Nice guys and girls always win. A nice guy is a great choice and snatched up quickly. To the contrary, there's nothing passive about a nice guy. A nice guy is smart and knows how to maintain a harmonious marriage and family life. Happy wife equals happy life. (Even my young neighbor guy and new father said the same phrase recently.) A nice guy is cooperative and pulls his weight as opposed letting his wife carry the load for everyone. Sure, I could be a hero, meek, quiet, remain silent, submissive and shoulder most of the household and family responsibilities without complaint, however, I will not.

 

A helpful husband who also respects and loves his wife is setting a fine example to his children especially boys who will grow up to be moral men. From observation, they too will help their wives with their household and child rearing and be very hands on as opposed to never picking up the slack.

 

We don't do things to please. To the contrary, we do it because it's called having integrity to do so, responsibilities, stepping up and doing the right thing. We do things because work doesn't get done by magic. Someone has to do it and it's equitable. The real doormat here would be to remain silent and sweat it out by yourself without complaint. Sorry, that's not going to work. I'm certainly not going to knock myself out to run a household and family life all by myself nor shoulder the majority of the grunt work either. It's not my nor my husband's way. We're both industrious, tag team and more hands make for lighter work.

 

As for the OP, Sarah102, I advise against a hasty marriage given the following: "something's missing," "not attracted to him," "came together from a crazy messed up story," "backed in a corner" and obviously any good in the boyfriend is not good enough. "Romantic love" died after her honeymoon phase. She doesn't love him beyond a best friend which is a warning she should take heed.

 

Better not to marry since Sarah102 is uncertain and wonders if he's really the right one for her after all.

[dion333]

I want to know if being best friends with you partner is enough for a fulfilled, happy, lifelong relationship?

I love my partner deeply but I've always felt something is missing, I've realized whats missing is that I love him as a best friend, not as a boyfriend or potential romantic life partner. I'm not attracted to him and just learned to be by being with him.

How we came to be together in the first place is a crazy kinda messed up story and I feel like I was backed into a corner to be with him in the first place, I'm happy now with how it worked out and we ended up together but I know how we got together wasn't ok and anyone else would have left him.

He loves me deeply and makes me feel it everyday. We have so much fun together and the relationship dynamic is exactly what I've always wanted. We live an alternative life style so getting a dynamic I want is next to impossible but I've found it with him.

We are not only compatible but complimentary to each other. He's already successful and will only grow with that. He allows me space to do what I need to do for my success and we support each other no matter what. We have so much fun together and when Im not with him I find myself wishing I was.

 

My question is, is this enough? People say the romantic love usually dies anyway after the honey moon phase and you're left with the base stuff like I perfectly get with him. We have been talking seriously lately about marriage and its a very real possibility of a proposal within the next year. People say to marry your best friend and this is exactly what I would be doing.

 

 

 

TLDR: I have found the perfect guy on paper but for some reason theres something missing and I dont love him beyond him being my best friend, is that enough for a happy life together?

 

if it works for you...do it. sounds great. that kind of thing you are describing is very very hard to find. only concern is sounds like your missing the sexy sexual part..which would make it more of a romantic type r'ship. you have to ask yourself how important is the whole' i want him in bed bad' thing to you? if its really important and missing it is eating at you...then it wont work with him as you will always wonder 'what if...i was with someone whose bones i wanted to jump AND i had the friend things going on'. However, that said, sounds like what you have is special and you may never find that again with another guy....its a tough one...i dont envy you. the whole how you got together sounds rather sinister..not sure what affect that will have as i have no idea what it is!

[itsallgrand]

I'd love to hear more about the circumstances that brought you together, what you mean specifically by alternative lifestyle you both enjoy, and what you feel is missing.

Reading your post, I right away thought of someone I knew growing up who was raised in a very conservative environment which would not have accepted her as she truly was. So she married a guy who checked all the boxes of what she was taught would make her happy, and someone who made life easier for her. She built a comfortable cage, but it was a cage nonetheless, and what was true for her eventually burst out after years of trying to force something that didn't fit.

 

I'm just getting this impression that you are trying to shove down and downplay something really important that is inside you. Maybe acknowledging it full out would be really uncomfortable and upset this pretty applecart ? I'm not sure, but I do believe in listening when something feels off. Did he do something you see as immoral in the beginning? Were you forced together by others? Are you using this relationship as a facade to hide something else? I'd like to hear more.

[MissCanuck]

I can't help but feel like something is being lost in translation in this tread, which is why I remain curious to know a few things: their ages, their lifestyle, and a bit more about the "crazy kinda messed up" beginning in which she was "backed into a corner" to be with him in the first place. Speaking for myself, when I see phrases like that I don't simply see a value debate between GQ and Good Housekeeping, or best friends vs eternal honeymooners, but something a bit more complicated simmering at the edges here.

 

I completely agree, Blue.

 

This issue sounds more complex, which is why those very comments from OP stood out to me, too. OP, can you clarify what the backstory is?

[Batya33]

if it works for you...do it. sounds great. that kind of thing you are describing is very very hard to find. only concern is sounds like your missing the sexy sexual part..which would make it more of a romantic type r'ship. you have to ask yourself how important is the whole' i want him in bed bad' thing to you? if its really important and missing it is eating at you...then it wont work with him as you will always wonder 'what if...i was with someone whose bones i wanted to jump AND i had the friend things going on'. However, that said, sounds like what you have is special and you may never find that again with another guy....its a tough one...i dont envy you. the whole how you got together sounds rather sinister..not sure what affect that will have as i have no idea what it is!

 

It's not just about wanting sex with the person -it's about the whole romantic chemistry and passion - wanting that person in a romantic sense which -at least to me -should be almost inseparable from the package -meaning there's not this separate "he's my best friend AND I want him sexually" - but "he is my partner in every way " -

[Batya33]

The spark isn't with just a bad boy such as my BIL (brother-in-law). I was referring to settling for a man who has a lot of boxes checked off but not quite all of them. That's what the problem is and looking past whatever is missing in a person's personality and character will eventually rear its ugly head later on down the road. What may not matter now will indeed matter later! If a person doesn't add up completely in one's brain, it's better to slow down and proceed with caution regarding any future marriage plans. Better to seriously reconsider marriage now than live with a world of regrets later IMHO. Often times after years of marriage, a house, children and the thick of frenetically paced family life, there's a feeling of entrenchment. At that stage, it's not easy to dissolve a marriage then. There's all sorts of legal headaches such as divorce, splitting up real estate, shared custody, child support and constantly dealing with your ex due to the children. It's a lose lose situation all around.

 

Nice guys and girls always win. A nice guy is a great choice and snatched up quickly. To the contrary, there's nothing passive about a nice guy. A nice guy is smart and knows how to maintain a harmonious marriage and family life. Happy wife equals happy life. (Even my young neighbor guy and new father said the same phrase recently.) A nice guy is cooperative and pulls his weight as opposed letting his wife carry the load for everyone. Sure, I could be a hero, meek, quiet, remain silent, submissive and shoulder most of the household and family responsibilities without complaint, however, I will not.

 

A helpful husband who also respects and loves his wife is setting a fine example to his children especially boys who will grow up to be moral men. From observation, they too will help their wives with their household and child rearing and be very hands on as opposed to never picking up the slack.

 

We don't do things to please. To the contrary, we do it because it's called having integrity to do so, responsibilities, stepping up and doing the right thing. We do things because work doesn't get done by magic. Someone has to do it and it's equitable. The real doormat here would be to remain silent and sweat it out by yourself without complaint. Sorry, that's not going to work. I'm certainly not going to knock myself out to run a household and family life all by myself nor shoulder the majority of the grunt work either. It's not my nor my husband's way. We're both industrious, tag team and more hands make for lighter work.

 

As for the OP, Sarah102, I advise against a hasty marriage given the following: "something's missing," "not attracted to him," "came together from a crazy messed up story," "backed in a corner" and obviously any good in the boyfriend is not good enough. "Romantic love" died after her honeymoon phase. She doesn't love him beyond a best friend which is a warning she should take heed.

 

Better not to marry since Sarah102 is uncertain and wonders if he's really the right one for her after all.

 

Nice is not passive. People use the term in dating to mean passive -it's a misuse of the word. So if someone describes someone as "so nice" followed by examples where he is a yes man, passively gives in at all times, always asking how high he should jump to please her - and then that is followed by "but something is missing" that is often because the person is being "nice" because he wants approval, because he is insecure, because he is self-absorbed and only focusing on "does she like me does she like me???" - rather than "I am worthy of being treated with kindness and respect and love and she is treating me that way and I desire to treat her that way too and show her that we care about each other".

[Wiseman2]

Is this your first bf? It sounds like you wish to be free to explore other options. Heads up: 100% is unrealistic.

it just feels like theres something missing am I really going to find anyone who it feels 100% with

[ThatwasThen]

I want to know if being best friends with you partner is enough for a fulfilled, happy, lifelong relationship?

I love my partner deeply but I've always felt something is missing, I've realized whats missing is that I love him as a best friend, not as a boyfriend or potential romantic life partner. I'm not attracted to him and just learned to be by being with him.

How we came to be together in the first place is a crazy kinda messed up story and I feel like I was backed into a corner to be with him in the first place, I'm happy now with how it worked out and we ended up together but I know how we got together wasn't ok and anyone else would have left him.

He loves me deeply and makes me feel it everyday. We have so much fun together and the relationship dynamic is exactly what I've always wanted. We live an alternative life style so getting a dynamic I want is next to impossible but I've found it with him.

We are not only compatible but complimentary to each other. He's already successful and will only grow with that. He allows me space to do what I need to do for my success and we support each other no matter what. We have so much fun together and when Im not with him I find myself wishing I was.

 

My question is, is this enough? People say the romantic love usually dies anyway after the honey moon phase and you're left with the base stuff like I perfectly get with him. We have been talking seriously lately about marriage and its a very real possibility of a proposal within the next year. People say to marry your best friend and this is exactly what I would be doing.

 

 

 

TLDR: I have found the perfect guy on paper but for some reason theres something missing and I dont love him beyond him being my best friend, is that enough for a happy life together?

Are you having sex with him? How is that part of your relationship?

What does a life partnership look like to you?

If you were to leave this man, what would be different with the next man that would make you think it was more suitable to be in for a life time?

What else would you expect to have that you're not already having?

 

I'm not sure but it sounds like you're going through a bit of "grass is greener" syndrome and I'm thinking you're not even sure what you would need in a relationship... hence your trepidation in advancing your relationship to the next level with this man.

 

I've realized whats missing is that I love him as a best friend, not as a boyfriend or potential romantic life partner.

In your words (thoughts) What exactly would be the difference between those two dynamics?

[Cherylyn]

Nice is not passive. People use the term in dating to mean passive -it's a misuse of the word. So if someone describes someone as "so nice" followed by examples where he is a yes man, passively gives in at all times, always asking how high he should jump to please her - and then that is followed by "but something is missing" that is often because the person is being "nice" because he wants approval, because he is insecure, because he is self-absorbed and only focusing on "does she like me does she like me???" - rather than "I am worthy of being treated with kindness and respect and love and she is treating me that way and I desire to treat her that way too and show her that we care about each other".

 

I can't speak for other men. However, if you're insinuating that my husband is a passive pleasing doormat just because he's the type of man who mans up and steps up for his wife and sons (newborn / child care / teen care / all errands including grocery shopping / cooking / housecleaning / yard work / makes sure both cars are topped off with gas / home repairs & maintenance / car repairs / maintenance / all tasks, chores & duties) and makes my marriage and family life easy, you couldn't be more wrong. There's nothing to give in because I don't have to ask for help. Neither of us seek approval and we're more secure than you can ever thought you could imagine. He's a true workhorse as am I. More hands make for lighter work and it all gets done in less than half the time. We divide and conquer and it's team work all the way to keep this household and family life buzzing in sync. I know other wives are not as fortunate as I am, therefore, I feel tremendously lucky and blessed indeed.

 

Back to the OP, Sarah102, don't get married if you feel there is something missing and you want more out of your boyfriend than he's willing to give and / or have. You're not attracted to him and your romantic love for him died following the honeymoon phase. He's your best friend and nothing more so seriously reconsider your marriage plans. He's not for you.

[Batya33]

I can't speak for other men. However, if you're insinuating that my husband is a passive pleasing doormat just because he's the type of man who mans up and steps up for his wife and sons (newborn / child care / teen care / all errands including grocery shopping / cooking / housecleaning / yard work / makes sure both cars are topped off with gas / home repairs & maintenance / car repairs / maintenance / all tasks, chores & duties) and makes my marriage and family life easy, you couldn't be more wrong. There's nothing to give in because I don't have to ask for help. Neither of us seek approval and we're more secure than you can ever thought you could imagine. He's a true workhorse as am I. More hands make for lighter work and it all gets done in less than half the time. We divide and conquer and it's team work all the way to keep this household and family life buzzing in sync. I know other wives are not as fortunate as I am, therefore, I feel tremendously lucky and blessed indeed.

 

Back to the OP, Sarah102, don't get married if you feel there is something missing and you want more out of your boyfriend than he's willing to give and / or have. You're not attracted to him and your romantic love for him died following the honeymoon phase. He's your best friend and nothing more so seriously reconsider your marriage plans. He's not for you.

 

Never ever, was not referring to your husband in the least -just pointing out how other people -not you, not your husband- misuse the word nice when they really mean passive when referring to a man they are dating. You are married. You were referring to things your husband does that are nice. You weren't referring to my topic which was how women misuse the term nice when they are turned off by a passive man. Passive is not nice. Passive often is self absorbed. I'm clueless as to why those women use the term nice to refer to a man who is acting like a doormat. I never ever referred to your husband as a doormat nor did my discussion of doormats have anything to do with what you wrote. I actually just skimmed all your accolades about what your husband does - sounds like it works really well for you and you find what he does for you in your marriage awesome. Lucky lady.

 

My comments on the OP had zero to do with what you wrote about all the things your husband does in your marriage/relationship. I don't think what he does or what happens in your marriage is particularly relevant to the OP's concerns here - her concerns are her feelings -that something is missing. I know I wouldn't want a marriage where someone did awesome things for me and showed me love and care---- and I didn't feel the same and I felt like something was missing. I do know that often that is the case -that something feels like it is missing -where the man in question -not your husband - the man the person is dating - is doing nice things in a doormat way not a confident way. That's not nice but unfortunately it's often called "nice" and the silly cliche "nice guys finish last" really means "doormats finish last". Because people who do caring, thoughtful, kind generous things for the right reasons -finish first with the right people. In every way.

 

Very often the things you point out in your post are part of a marriage not a dating relationship. My husband and I didn't live together till we were married. I have no idea what he was going to do to help around the house or with raising a child -we'd done neither. But I knew of his character/integrity/generous spirit. That's all I needed to know (and I saw how his parents treated each other -good inside info!) I for one don't need a workhorse unless absolutely necessary when it comes to household tasks. I'm a fan of living in an apartment with an excellent maintenance staff, a fan of, if possible, hiring outside services to help with aspects of housecleaning, using delivery services for heavier nonperishable items so no one has to travel to a store to lug stuff home, and saving the workhorse kind of stuff for career/professions. My husband is very handy. Has his own toolbox. And I love that our maintenance staff come ASAP for any issue and with a smile. No reason for him to do it although he would if he needed to, for sure.

 

Certainly with childcare and family responsibilities I'm a fan of teamwork, of parents being as involved as possible (meaning not outsourcing to nannies/sitters if possible -that's just how we roll) but with non-family/child stuff if budgeting allows I love outsourcing to have more time to enjoy our child, and be involved in child and family and couple activities, have time to exercise and sleep and take care of ourselves. We all have different expectations of marital and long term partners in that regard.

 

Off topic to an extent but I didn't focus on what specific roles my husband would play in child rearing/family responsibilities/living together. I trusted in the active giving love we shared, in the marital commitment, in how he treated me -the rest was too in the weeds for me especially since we married, became parents and relocated for the first time in my life - all in the space of a year. Unless the OP has a specific vision of exactly what she'd want a husband to do, knows she wants to be a homeowner, knows she wants to be a parent, I don't think she needs more beyond knowing she is with the right person, that he is her partner, that they love each other, and that she feels reasonably sure and excited to be with him.

 

Life throws all sorts of curveballs so if you know the person's basic values, beliefs, goals and they match with yours then whether you live a certain lifestyle or not you know you can communicate your expectations of what a partnership is, what teamwork is, in a variety of contexts. I never would have known exactly what my husband would do in a health emergency- mine - until it happened in third moth of marriage, for example but when he stepped up as my hero - you know, I wasn't surprised at all because of what I knew generally about him and our commitment.

 

She can't communicate that effectively - what she wants from him- because she's missing a basic component -she's missing the glue that holds a long term relationship or marriage together so it's going to taint all those discussions. She's going to wonder, each step they take that further their commitment -whether she is happy to be with him, happy enough, satisfied enough - and her head may turn because of someone else or the dream of someone else. With one foot out the door that way, with a "is the grass greener" mentality, there can be no true teamwork or partnership even if he is a person who wants to do everything for her. -

[ThatwasThen]

@Sarah102 I wish you would respond to the question I asked earlier. I think if you know the answer to it, you'll be able to make a decision about your life with this man. Asking again:

I've realized whats missing is that I love him as a best friend, not as a boyfriend or potential romantic life partner.

In your words (thoughts) What exactly would be the difference between those two dynamics?

[Batya33]

@Sarah102 I wish you would respond to the question I asked earlier. I think if you know the answer to it, you'll be able to make a decision about your life with this man. Asking again:

In your words (thoughts) What exactly would be the difference between those two dynamics?

 

Yes, that is the crux of the issue I agree. I had that crux a couple of times and didn't marry those men (I did marry one, over 10 years later because what was missing was not missing when years later we reconnected). I can't tell you how many times people tried to convince me -because I was getting to that dreaded over the hill stage in my 30s - that what I had with my then boyfriends was what most people would die for, feel so happy about, how the best friend part is the most important anyway, spark fades, sex fades, you like the sex anyway, etc etc. Thank goodness I followed Dr. Phil's sage advice and didn't try to convince myself to marry one of those guys, to jump on those peoples' well-meaning bandwagons. Yes, I would have likely had the opportunity to at least try for a second child, wouldn't have had a geriatric pregnancy, etc. but at what cost - at the cost of being dishonest with myself, my partner, at the cost of settling.

 

OP yes figure out the difference and then be bluntly honest about whether your partner wants that too - a marriage based on love that exists between best friends, and that includes good/great sex because, sure, we can have a friend who we have enough attraction to to enjoy sex - and if both of you want that that's great! But get real and no rationalizing -sit with yourself -not in an intense way - just sit with yourself, let yourself be, maybe take some space -and let those feelings come freely without your trying to tamp them down to get to what you want -because often it's so much easier to settle then to hold out for the right person for you. I've seen a number of people do that.

[ThatwasThen]

I'd still like to hear what Sarah's difference between loving him as a best friend and loving him as a boyfriend means to her. How would "loving him as a boyfriend or as life partner" be different to her? Surely she has loved someone as a friend, surely she has loved someone as a long term potential. What differentiated the two to her?

 

Sarah:

What else would you expect to have that you're not already having? Can you articulate it or is it just a feeling you're not feeling?

[Cherylyn]

I'm not getting into semantics, figure of speech, gaslighting, mind games, head trips, discussing in endless circles nor psychoanalyzing anything to death. I'm well schooled in this arena as several of my extended relatives and in-laws all practice this game.

 

Whatever, Batya33 and I too didn't bother reading everything you wrote either so likewise. We agree to disagree.

 

Back to the OP, Sarah102, know in your heart that if something is missing in your boyfriend, obviously something will continue to be missing in a husband if your boyfriend becomes your husband. Your boyfriend is your best friend and your romantic love for him died after your honeymoon phase. Those are red flags which you need to take heed. He doesn't check all the boxes for you regarding your requirements and qualifications so remain patient until the right man in your life comes along. At that time, you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that a man who doesn't have anything missing is the right man for you.

[Batya33]

I'm not getting into semantics, figure of speech, gaslighting, mind games, head trips, discussing in endless circles nor psychoanalyzing anything to death. I'm well schooled in this arena as several of my extended relatives and in-laws all practice this game.

 

Whatever, Batya33 and I too didn't bother reading everything you wrote either so likewise. We agree to disagree.

 

Back to the OP, Sarah102, know in your heart that if something is missing in your boyfriend, obviously something will continue to be missing in a husband if your boyfriend becomes your husband. Your boyfriend is your best friend and your romantic love for him died after your honeymoon phase. Those are red flags which you need to take heed. He doesn't check all the boxes for you regarding your requirements and qualifications so remain patient until the right man in your life comes along. At that time, you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that a man who doesn't have anything missing is the right man for you.

 

There was nothing to agree on -you thought I was referring to your husband and I wasn't so I cleared that up in my post. No I don't get to read every part of every post and I try to read what the OP writes - I would think that's typical of many of us. I saw that you were listing the wonderful things your husband does and how that related to why you chose him as your husband, and got the gist of it and I was focused on the OP's doubts concerning her dating relationship and something being missing. I agree with what you wrote above.

[dion333]

It's not just about wanting sex with the person -it's about the whole romantic chemistry and passion - wanting that person in a romantic sense which -at least to me -should be almost inseparable from the package -meaning there's not this separate "he's my best friend AND I want him sexually" - but "he is my partner in every way " -

 

Oh come on ..who you kidding..you know sex and sensuality are important for you..(no need to be shy now)..ha ha..romance..chemistry ..passion are all linked to wanting sex..it's an integral part of the jigsaw it..take that away and you just have a good mate :)

[Cherylyn]

I agree with what I wrote above, too, Batya33.

 

Back to OP, Sarah102, if there's anything missing in your boyfriend, it's better to seriously reconsider marriage plans now than to ignore that little voice inside you which tells you otherwise. Marrying despite your misgivings would be a mistake you could very well regret later.

 

When I married my husband, I never felt he was only my best friend nor did any of my romantic feelings die after the infatuation or honeymoon phase was over.

 

Marriage is a very serious commitment. If you're not 100% certain, don't go through with it. Better to err on the side of caution.

[kamurj]

The thread has run its course, closed.