Is he blowing me off?

[dion333]

Well wow...jeez lots of opinions on what a user he is...from my interactions with him I don't think he's a big old douche using me for sex...if that were the case he would have tried to sleep with me on the 3rd date at his place while we just hung out and talked.

 

I just really wanted to know if it were better to leave him alone in this weird inbetween of dating multiple people...and let him do his thing as opposed to reaching out.

 

So do I reach out or not?

 

'You can lead a horse to water but you ,,,,,,,,,,, :) Good luck love..Hope you learn from it..whatever pans out. ciao

[Tinydance]

Well wow...jeez lots of opinions on what a user he is...from my interactions with him I don't think he's a big old douche using me for sex...if that were the case he would have tried to sleep with me on the 3rd date at his place while we just hung out and talked.

 

I just really wanted to know if it were better to leave him alone in this weird inbetween of dating multiple people...and let him do his thing as opposed to reaching out.

 

So do I reach out or not?

 

I think there is a difference between just wanting sex and "using" someone, and wanting to take things slow and casual. He's probably not deliberately trying to use you but he's not hugely focusing on you either. Like he's just living his life and *maybe* seeing other women. But we don't know if he is or not for sure.

 

I think in this sense it really depends what you're looking for. If you want something to be moving into a relationship pretty quickly then I would recommend not using Tinder. Usually people that use Tinder are not there looking for something particularly serious. Like maybe they're not trying to get just a one night stand but they probably just want something more casual/companionship, rather than serious relationship. I'd recommend using paid web sites like eharmony and whatever else you have available in your country. I won't recommend any because I'm in Australia and some dating sites are different here.

 

Again I think it depends what you're looking for. For example, I'm about five months out of a two year relationship where I was engaged. I'm not in a rush to get into something super serious right now. I'm doing online dating and there's one guy who wants to keep seeing me but he's messaging me a bit sporadically. I don't mind because I'm not wanting big commitment and I'm dating other people too. So depends on the situation and I think in your situation you are better off not to use Tinder or other sites known for mainly hookups. I would stay away from Oasis Active as well lol

[Wiseman2]

You don't seem ready to date is you ask someone to hide. Also you are dating others so do not seem serious. It seems like he can do better so decided to move on.

I asked him that we keep our relationship on the hush hush for a while

 

I was/am also seeing others but he is my favorite of them all :)

[Keyman]

I don't think he is a bad person for potentially dating more than one person at a time. He is free to do that, and going on 2 dates is not a relationship (although OP did state she wanted to keep their relationship quiet after only 2 dates). He is allowed to play the field a little, and is not using OP. I mean, by OPs own assertion, she had four years of fun after your divorce and now want a relationship. Yet, it was okay for her to play the field?

 

And, having 2 days and decreeing that he be exclusive, is a good way to get yourself ghosted. In this world of over availability, it takes more than 2 dates to detemined if you are better than the other collection of women/men you are dating/talking to. Just beacuse you enjoyed the date, does not mean it will continue.

 

Just go with it, and if he comes back, then it's a win, otherwise, there are plenty of other fish in the Tindersea.

[ThatwasThen]

I don't think he is a bad person for potentially dating more than one person at a time. He is free to do that, and going on 2 dates is not a relationship (although OP did state she wanted to keep their relationship quiet after only 2 dates). He is allowed to play the field a little, and is not using OP. I mean, by OPs own assertion, she had four years of fun after your divorce and now want a relationship. Yet, it was okay for her to play the field?

Who said she shouldn't nor should he "play the field?"

 

I think she should just be cognizant of the fact that his actions show her, clearly, that he's not as invested as she is. She should stop seeing him if she wants more or, if she still wants the sex she should stop dating him and doing bonding rituals like sleeping over etc and just get some and leave. keep her emotions in check and follow his indifferent lead.

 

And, having 2 days and decreeing that he be exclusive, is a good way to get yourself ghosted.

Who said that she or any of us would expect exclusivity after two dates?

 

In this world of over availability, it takes more than 2 dates to detemined if you are better than the other collection of women/men you are dating/talking to.

Ya but if you are having sex with one of them, you should take the time to figure out if he's the best one before you actually schtuup... particularly if you are looking for someone who wants to be exclusive.

 

Just beacuse you enjoyed the date, does not mean it will continue.

I think the Op understands that.

 

Just go with it, and if he comes back, then it's a win,

Not for her unless she can do him without expectation. "Just going with it" is a sure way to get yourself hurt as you bond more and more while he is indifferent the same way he has been.

 

otherwise, there are plenty of other fish in the Tindersea.

Yes... and I'm sure they smell like fish as well. Tinder is a hook up site that mostly stinks if you want something past an orgasm. Sure, some will turn into a relationship of exclusivity but the odds are mostly NOT in your favor of that happening. Don't be expecting anything other than being on rotation if you use that dating app.

[ThatwasThen]

'You can lead a horse to water but you ,,,,,,,,,,, :) Good luck love..Hope you learn from it..whatever pans out. ciao

No kidding, eh?

 

I don't think you're ready to be in anything serious. If you were, you would take this guys actions as him being as indifferent to you as he's shown you he is and you certainly wouldn't be defending that indifference.

 

If you want sex without a commitment then reach out and invite him to a booty call. If you want more then booty and a bit of conversation move on, sista. He will prolly get back to you when the new girl he's with starts to show him too much emotion. Then it will be your turn again.

 

If you reach out to a man that is not showing you that he values you then you are letting him know that you're open to being in a casual relationship. He really sounds like a player who is smart enough to let the chica make her own decisions. When you call him after he's not followed through on a date with you then you are clearly telling him that you're a goer who doesn't want anything other than sex. There is not "using" of anyone when you decide to call him... you are volunteering.

 

Like he's just living his life and *maybe* seeing other women. But we don't know if he is or not for sure.

His actions are clear.

[DancingFool]

The comment he made about it being nice to know that you can talk without alcoholic lubrication.....that's actually a red flag and something that should have alerted you to the fact that he is not all in and that he is very much judging you. A very typical case where your experience on the date is different from his. That was not a compliment.

 

For all the talking, which honestly sounds like way too much too soon, you didn't talk about things that actually matter - what you are both looking for at large. Not from each other specifically, but overall dating goals. If he had told you that he has a lot on his plate and is only looking for something occasional/casual would you still have been on board? It doesn't match what you are looking for.

 

The other factor is the whole him being friends with your ex - awkward and you wanting to keep it hush hush. Most sane healthy people will see that as a huge red flag and will not date someone who wants to keep them a secret. There is also no reason on this planet for him to have any talks with your ex husband. There is like a huge forest of issues and red flags all over the place here. Meanwhile you are hooked on too much talk and some laughs and misinterpreting that as intimacy. Talk is just talk, especially early on. Look at his actions - he only remembers that you exist every couple of weeks or so and stood you up for the last tentative date plan. I would not contact him again, I'd move on and no, I don't recommend that you go running at his beck and call if he reaches out again in a week or two. Best to leave this in your dust.

[catfeeder]

I think it's helpful to first get clear with yourself about What You Want out of dating, and then screen your potential dates to learn whether he's in it for the same reasons. If not, then why play? If the goal is to find a good match, then messing around with anyone who isn't equally as clear about where he stands doesn't make much sense. Have you noticed?

 

Head high.

[SherrySher]

He knows how to get a hold of you if he's into you. So no, don't reach out. You'll look like you're chasing.

 

I realize in this day and age that the sexes are meant to be more on a even playing field, however in this case, he's the man, if he wants to see you, he will contact you.

 

The fact alone that he is leaving things for days at a time should show you that he sees you as something casual. If you're okay with that, so be it, but it doesn't look like it's going to be any big romance anytime soon.

[ThatwasThen]

He knows how to get a hold of you if he's into you. So no, don't reach out. You'll look like you're chasing.

I don't think she will look like she's chasing but more like she's accepting of the indifference he shows her and that she's just looking for sex (like he is).

 

I realize in this day and age that the sexes are meant to be more on a even playing field, however in this case, he's the man, if he wants to see you, he will contact you.

If he does contact you... remember, its not because he wants to be in a relationship with you, he's just testing the waters to see if you're up for another jump. Keep it out in the public no where near your place or his if you are desperate enough to go out, yet again, with someone who stood you up.

 

The fact alone that he is leaving things for days at a time should show you that he sees you as something casual. If you're okay with that, so be it, but it doesn't look like it's going to be any big romance anytime soon.

Agree!

[SherrySher]

I agree with you TWT. If she contacts him, all she will be doing is letting him know that he can behave however nonchalantly with her and she won't mind.

 

This guy isn't in it for the long haul, he's it in for a good time not a long time. And there is no doubt another woman somewhere that he see's when he's gone for a week at a time.

 

If you don't want to be used as a casual sex partner, don't bother with this guy, it's not going to change.

[SherrySher]

OP, he likes you enough to give you a good shag, but not enough to make you his girlfriend.

[allis]

Thanks Ya'll...

I'm good now, not worrying about it anymore.

I really enjoyed his company but it's all good, plenty of other guys kocking down my door.

 

Note: Just because you sleep with someone early on does not mean they are just in it for a good time etc. I actually met my ex husband at a bar went home with him and we ended up being together for 15 years...the last serious relationship I had after my divorce same thing and we were together for over a year. I think it is a huge generalization to say someone is not in it for the long haul because of sex in the early stages. My presumtion in this case is that yes, he was not looking for anything serious at this point...he is still in the middle of his divorce and that I understand.

 

Enough time has passed at this point...on to the next :)

[ThatwasThen]

Note: Just because you sleep with someone early on does not mean they are just in it for a good time etc. I actually met my ex husband at a bar went home with him and we ended up being together for 15 years..

Things have changed since then. There are so many options now that chances are high you won't end up with anyone for 15 years if you do them so early. Your choice though, just sayin.

 

.the last serious relationship I had after my divorce same thing and we were together for over a year.

Well you're not anymore.

 

I think its huge generalization to think that just because you had one actual "long term" (15 years) relationship means it's a good dating practice in this day and age.

 

Good luck in your next adventure in dating. I hope you get with someone wherein you last a life time together.

[SherrySher]

Things have changed since then. There are so many options now that chances are high you won't end up with anyone for 15 years if you do them so early. Your choice though, just sayin.

 

100%. Things have changed. You jump in the sack and that's about all you're gonna get. Keep testing it out if you don't believe it, but don't be sad when you keep getting dumped and treated as nothing special.

[allis]

100%. Things have changed. You jump in the sack and that's about all you're gonna get. Keep testing it out if you don't believe it, but don't be sad when you keep getting dumped and treated as nothing special.

 

Good Point...online dating wasn't even around back in those days...

[Honeycomb8]

Things have changed since then. There are so many options now that chances are high you won't end up with anyone for 15 years if you do them so early. Your choice though, just sayin.

 

Well you're not anymore.

 

I think its huge generalization to think that just because you had one actual "long term" (15 years) relationship means it's a good dating practice in this day and age.

 

Good luck in your next adventure in dating. I hope you get with someone wherein you last a life time together.

 

Yeah lol .

That's a bad pattern. Jumping in bed with strangers generally gets you nowhere -_-.