Can you grieve a breakup while in a relationship?

[MissCanuck]

I can look anybody in the eye, including my reflection in the mirror, and say that I am transparent and open with my girlfriend. Once again you are entitled to disagree, but luckily it is not you I am dating. You don’t know me, so it’s understandable that you could assume that I’m some sort of lecherous manipulator, using an innocent or foolish woman as a balm for my unrequited past love...but I assure you that isn’t how I see it and you will not convince me otherwise.

 

That's a quite a big reach, OP. I said nothing of the sort, nor do I think that.

 

This entire thread has evidently touched a frayed, defensive nerve somewhere in you. I would take a step back, take a deep breath, and ask yourself why that is.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. You are single and it's fine to date again. A lot of people pass on break up pain by doing to someone what was done to them. Why spread pain? Why end it with someone when that someone is not even the reason? If it doesn't work out because of her, then let it go. But ending it because of your past seems silly.

 

If you are happy and she is happy take your time and enjoy it. You don't have to be a monk until a specific time that is not considered "rebound", nor do you have to be professionally certified as "no longer on the rebound". Everyone has a past. Everyone has memories.

We travel well together, we have conversational and sexual chemistry, our friends and family all get along and like the match, there is mutual trust and candor. She’s gorgeous, smart, creative and funny.

[Skeptic76]

That's a quite a big reach, OP. I said nothing of the sort, nor do I think that.

 

This entire thread has evidently touched a frayed, defensive nerve somewhere in you. I would take a step back, take a deep breath, and ask yourself why that is.

 

 

I will give you that YOUR post triggered me. You are correct. I find your style condescending and rude. But “the whole thread” making me raw comment is unfounded and silly. Please show me where I was anything but polite and grateful.

 

You absolutely, 100% implied in your post that I was a liar (by the lie of omission) and wrongly assumed that I was not trustworthy and not forthright. When I called you out on it you tried spinning the argument around to say that I was over reacting and overly sensitive, again implying that there is an underlying character fault to explain that reaction. Shame on you. I now see this is more about your ego than helpful advice. I will no longer be replying to you, however I wish you nothing but love and fulfillment on your path; best wishes.

[Skeptic76]

Agree. You are single and it's fine to date again. A lot of people pass on break up pain by doing to someone what was done to them. Why spread pain? Why end it with someone when that someone is not even the reason? If it doesn't work out because of her, then let it go. But ending it because of your past seems silly.

 

If you are happy and she is happy take your time and enjoy it. You don't have to be a monk until a specific time that is not considered "rebound", nor do you have to be professionally certified as "no longer on the rebound". Everyone has a past. Everyone has memories.

 

You and bluecastle are extremely consistent in your replies. Since I’ve been back to ena I’ve always winced at your blunt deliveries, but also always agreed on the message you carry to people here. Thanks for chiming in and offering your perspective, wiseman.

[OctoberRust]

'Yes morn the loss on your own time without her. Don't use your relationship as a cushion for your grief.'

 

..says who? It's his grief. He can choose to overcome it in any way he likes. They're both adults. He's not forcing her into anything she doesn't want to do. She's a wiling cushion. I've been the cushion and I've done the using someone as one. If a relationship is to work out it really doesn't matter. I have to laugh every time I come across the 'you need to stay single for at least a year' statement on here. Come on. Life's not like that. You break up, you meet someone four weeks later, you might end up together for life, you might not. One surefire way to ensure nothing good happens in your life is sitting on your sofa crying about the past. IMHO.

[jul-els]

'Yes morn the loss on your own time without her. Don't use your relationship as a cushion for your grief.'

 

..says who? It's his grief. He can choose to overcome it in any way he likes. They're both adults. He's not forcing her into anything she doesn't want to do. She's a wiling cushion. I've been the cushion and I've done the using someone as one. If a relationship is to work out it really doesn't matter. I have to laugh every time I come across the 'you need to stay single for at least a year' statement on here. Come on. Life's not like that. You break up, you meet someone four weeks later, you might end up together for life, you might not. One surefire way to ensure nothing good happens in your life is sitting on your sofa crying about the past. IMHO.

 

If you're in a good place emotionally and mentally, that's a good place to start a relationship. If you're not, then it's not, regardless of the reason whether it be your recent past or anything else. It only requires one to be honest with themselves as to their level of readiness to take someone on board in their life as a romantic partner. Everyone deserves fairness. It requires self-awareness in order to be fair.

[ThatwasThen]

'Yes morn the loss on your own time without her. Don't use your relationship as a cushion for your grief.'

 

..says who? It's his grief. He can choose to overcome it in any way he likes. They're both adults. He's not forcing her into anything she doesn't want to do. She's a wiling cushion. I've been the cushion and I've done the using someone as one. If a relationship is to work out it really doesn't matter. I have to laugh every time I come across the 'you need to stay single for at least a year' statement on here. Come on. Life's not like that. You break up, you meet someone four weeks later, you might end up together for life, you might not. One surefire way to ensure nothing good happens in your life is sitting on your sofa crying about the past. IMHO.

Perhaps if who you used to get over someone and who someone used to get over their someone, you wouldn't be having to connect and breakup and you'd be in a lifemate situation by now? It's common sense to 'get it' that people who are hurting soon enough feel differently towards the one the are 'using' to heal their withdrawl pain, that once they no longer need the nurture from that person because they have b. That happen more times than not and that is why I always tell posters to not get themselves involved with people that are freshly broken up or separated or even divorced. The risk of giving your heart to someone like you, just is not worth it.

[smackie9]

'Yes morn the loss on your own time without her. Don't use your relationship as a cushion for your grief.'

 

..says who? It's his grief. He can choose to overcome it in any way he likes. They're both adults. He's not forcing her into anything she doesn't want to do. She's a wiling cushion. I've been the cushion and I've done the using someone as one. If a relationship is to work out it really doesn't matter. I have to laugh every time I come across the 'you need to stay single for at least a year' statement on here. Come on. Life's not like that. You break up, you meet someone four weeks later, you might end up together for life, you might not. One surefire way to ensure nothing good happens in your life is sitting on your sofa crying about the past. IMHO.

 

Just giving advice/suggestions like everyone else, so why not you? The OP was appreciative to what me and the others have posted so why make an issue out of it?

[OctoberRust]

'..Perhaps if who you used to get over someone and who someone used to get over their someone, you wouldn't be having to connect and breakup and you'd be in a lifemate situation by now?'

 

Oh I am, I sure am in a lifetime mate situation, have been for years and years. :)

[ThatwasThen]

 

Oh I am, I sure am in a lifetime mate situation, have been for years and years. :)

Congrats... me too. Did you use your current partner to get over your last one?

[Cherylyn]

I've definitely grieved over lost relationships and friendships. I miss all of their good qualities and happy memories of yesteryear.

 

Unfortunately, their toxic personalities and characters overshadowed their "goodness" and that left me with a soured impression of them. In other words, no amount of their "goodness" could erase my disrespect for them and how they mistreated me with cruelty.

 

It doesn't hurt anymore because I don't have amnesia.

 

It wasn't just about incompatibility either. It was about lack of moral character, lack of empathy and lack of emotional intelligence that led to failure. That's my wake up call whenever I begin to wistfully waft back into feeling nostalgic. I remember what they did, how they acted, what they said and what they wrote which is unforgivable. At that point, it was time to go our separate ways permanently.

 

Estrangement or enforced boundaries provided wonderful everlasting peace.

 

All of those previous feelings of hurt transformed into lifted burdens and tremendous RELIEF.

[Skeptic76]

My ex didn’t do anything wrong or mean or thoughtless...but she was distant in geography and personality. I needed more affection in all senses of the word and she wouldn’t travel with me, either.

 

Was not an unhealthy relationship but I wasn’t fulfilled and I started entertaining ideas of infidelity so I bounced.

 

So maybe not as extreme but like Cherylyn, when I “play the tape through” I’m reminded I left for specific reasons which still exist.

[bluecastle]

I think that's what often makes grieving love's lost so difficult: that there was so much good, and that what was "bad" was not cataclysmic (not mean, not thoughtless) but added up to "does not work" nonetheless. Seems so close, from one angle, while so far, from another. In time those angles stop mattering, because "does not work" reduces them to a straight line, and a period. It is the least mysterious thing one can imagine—like a great looking car, without an engine—but it takes the head and heart a good minute to stop infusing it with mystery and longing for the road trips that car was never built to take.

 

Just be honest about where you're at, and if the man you are in your current relationship is the fullest version of yourself you can be in romance.

[Skeptic76]

Well spoken about the perspective on love lost.

 

And while I can always improve - I am also always doing my best to be fully present and engaged with life on life’s terms.

 

Promise to keep you all posted on my adventure down the road!

[OctoberRust]

'.. Did you use your current partner to get over your last one?'

 

Nope, not at all. But if I'd outlined the circumstances of how we met and our respective situations at the time every single person on this site would tell me to 'run' and to go to therapy to 'work on my issues'. Real life? We're approaching 20 years together, blissfully happy having dealt with and overcome all sorts in our time together. I love him to death, I am still madly in love with him, and he with me. Happy ending. :)

[ThatwasThen]

.. I asked: Did you use your current partner to get over your last one?

 

Wherein in you replied:

 

Nope, not at all.

 

So in other words, you did not practice what you preached in this thread. Just sayin.

[Skeptic76]

Thatwasthen am I right to assume you are of the mind that I am using my girlfriend to get over my ex?

[ThatwasThen]

Thatwasthen am I right to assume you are of the mind that I am using my girlfriend to get over my ex?

No, you are not right and I'm not sure how you could come to that conclusion. I asked if you did and you answered, I will take your word for it.

 

You implied that the op is ok in using people to get over others, I was challenging that and have said: "In other words, you did not practice what you have preached in this thread." Which clearly points out that you did not use someone to get over someone else.

 

 

Clear now?

 

Why do you ask: Are you saying you did use someone but because of your stance earlier in the thread you just don't believe that you did?

[Skeptic76]

No, you are not right and I'm not sure how you could come to that conclusion. I asked if you did and you answered, I will take your word for it.

 

You implied that the op is ok in using people to get over others, I was challenging that and have said: "In other words, you did not practice what you have preached in this thread." Which clearly points out that you did not use someone to get over someone else.

 

 

Clear now?

 

Why do you ask: Are you saying you did use someone but because of your stance earlier in the thread you just don't believe that you did?

 

If my question sounded antagonistic I apologize, wasn’t meant that way. As I am the OP I’m actually confused about much of what you wrote, haha.

 

I don’t feel like I’m using my girlfriend to get over my ex, however many of the contributors to my thread disagree. Guess I was just trying to gauge your opinion because I frequently like what you write on other threads.

[ThatwasThen]

If my question sounded antagonistic I apologize, wasn’t meant that way. As I am the OP I’m actually confused about much of what you wrote, haha.

 

I don’t feel like I’m using my girlfriend to get over my ex, however many of the contributors to my thread disagree. Guess I was just trying to gauge your opinion because I frequently like what you write on other threads.

 

*blushes* Oh, my Skeptic... my apologies. When I replied to your post #42, I confused you with poster *OctoberRust* who thinks that its okay to use someone to get over someone else.

 

As per your question: Yes, sadly I do believe you are using someone to get over someone else. I suppose time will tell once you are no longer pining for your ex girlfriend and your emotional connection to her has waned, we will see just how much you still want to be with your current girlfriend. Many times once the "user" (for lack of a better word) has their confidence and self worth back (thanks to the administrations of the new girl/guy) they lose the need for the new person.

 

You may not feel like you are using her right now because she is such a great source of comfort to you when you go through the withdrawl pains of no longer having the ex in your life. Like I said, time will tell if you still feel an attachment/emotional connection to your new g/f once you are indifferent to the the old one.

 

Once again... sorry for the mix up. I can see why it made no sense to you.

[Skeptic76]

Lol I get it now...

 

Thanks for your input!

[Skeptic76]

So I’m re-reading and ruminating and I thought I’d take a second to summarize my take on this thread. Seems to me that there’s a pretty clear divide between those who see “being in a relationship/dating” vs “codependent comfort seeking.”

 

I won’t deny that feeling desired and appreciated brought me some comfort the times that I thought about my ex. But there’s a part of me that’s having a difficult time accepting that the remainder of the relationship is then invalidated. Being 43 and a veteran of love (2 long term relationships) I have a fairly good understanding of what it takes to have healthy and viable communication - including being honest and open. I believe my girlfriend is practicing a similar approach to our relationship and that’s where my inability to accept that this is a one-sided “hiding out from feelings fest.”

 

It’s really helped me out to read your comments. Made me think long and hard but for sure I will continue to be confident and secure in my commitment with some help from your input. GOOD LOOKING OUT ENOTALONERS! 🙏🏻

[ThatwasThen]

including being honest and open.

Then you've told her you still have some feelings for your ex that you haven't processed yet? That you're at least still grieving? If you have then if she stays with you it's on her for making a choice to continue on with someone who hasn't yet come to the stage of indifference to their ex.

 

I believe my girlfriend is practicing a similar approach to our relationship

Is she still actively processing her last break up as wall, Skeptic?

[Skeptic76]

Yes, as mentioned earlier in the thread we did have occasion to engage in a discussion about my relationship to my previous girlfriend. In my most introspective heart of hearts I don’t feel “hung up” on any exes. I think hearing from her did spark a nostalgic, sentimental day but I’m thoroughly convinced that is normal and not an affront to my girlfriend.

 

No, I don’t think my girlfriend is processing any feelings from a previous breakup (not that I am aware of, no “symptoms” so to speak.) I haven’t had a reason to ask her that and I’m not one to make issues where none exist.

 

At this point I do understand that you are in the “denial/codependent” camp however I hope we can just agree to disagree. I do appreciate you taking the time to chime in, but I am very confident and secure in this relationship; your opinion that it’s unhealthy or foolish or selfish, etc. is noted. Thank you! 🙂

[ThatwasThen]

Good luck, hope it works out for you for the long haul.