How should I feel about this?

[Stdavid]

Wow - that's telling me like it is. Thank you.

 

Seriously. This might sound nuts but I needed a degree of reassurance that this isn't normal or reasonable behaviour I'm dealing with. You are also right that I don't want to move on. There are lots of reasons for that but the effect is that I would rather take a load of crap than have to start over. It's not easy to work against that.

 

Thanks again folks. Probably not what I wanted to hear but probably what I needed to hear.

[abitbroken]

I've been dating a lady for three years now ... we're an older couple, in our fifties, with mostly grown up children

 

In September she started working full time and kept saying that she was too busy to see me very often. Three days before Christmas she told me that she wasn't sure what she wanted from our relationship any more. Since then, I've had a couple of replies to texts I've sent her, but despite letting her know when I was going to be without my children, she's not made any effort to see me. We've spent a lot of the last three Christmasses together and she knows that unles I have my children staying over, I'm on my own. Whilst I get that she might need some time to think etc, I feel pretty hurt about the way she's left me on my own like this.

 

Am I being over sensitive?

 

If you say "i don't have my kids" - someone can say "okay that's nice". that means you were thinking she would suggest plans. I would have taken the bull by the horns and invited her to a plan - if she spends Christmas day wth her kids, ask her out to dinner Christmas Eve. Or whatever. That's a yes or no answer, not you stating a fact and her not biting and you wondering.

 

Honestly i would not text or call her to ask her "to talk". I would invite her out on a date one time and if she declines - then that's your answer and that's that.

 

I wonder if now that she is working, she has a different perspective of you -- she has either been unhappy for awhile and using it as an excuse or sees her life moving in a different direction. Or there is a guy there

[catfeeder]

Wow - that's telling me like it is. Thank you.

 

Seriously. This might sound nuts but I needed a degree of reassurance that this isn't normal or reasonable behaviour I'm dealing with. You are also right that I don't want to move on. There are lots of reasons for that but the effect is that I would rather take a load of crap than have to start over. It's not easy to work against that.

 

Thanks again folks. Probably not what I wanted to hear but probably what I needed to hear.

 

It's really not helpful for a group of strangers to assign 'shoulds' to anyone else's behavior. It doesn't help you to deal with the behavior that actually IS. This woman is demonstrating that she doesn't want to be accountable to you. Whether anyone else believes that she 'should' be is irrelevant, because this is HER decision.

 

The best way to convince someone to change their mind is NOT to pursue her with the idea that she 'should'. That's just the perfect way to p her off and push her even further away, because nobody responds well to 'shoulds'. I'd skip that, and I'd skip trying to influence her. She knows how to reach you, and if she ever decides that that's what she wants to do, she'll have no trouble making sure that you're the first to know it.

 

I'd focus on my own life and on building the best possible future for myself. I'd build pride in my self respect and resilience. That's really the only platform for anything to thrive anyway, because the last thing any woman would find attractive is someone who pines for her and won't move on. So the self respect to be gained from moving beyond this woman is likely the only real thing that could possibly attract her back. It's your percentage play, because you either gain the woman back through self respect, or you heal because of it. Either way, that's your win.

[Wiseman2]

Is she working or spending it with her kids home from college? She never mentioned this? Did she just ghost you? It seems you are aware that she has her kids and is working full time now. Did you usually spend holidays together or did it depend on who had their kids vs their kids were with their exes?

I'd love to - but first day of the holidays she basically stopped communicating. I've spent two weeks in limbo wondering what's going on. Great way to spend Christmas.

[Stdavid]

Is she working or spending it with her kids home from college? She never mentioned this? Did she just ghost you? It seems you are aware that she has her kids and is working full time now. Did you usually spend holidays together or did it depend on who had their kids vs their kids were with their exes?

 

In the past we would spend some time each of us just with our children, some time together, and some time with all our children in once place. Like the Brady Bunch. It just kind of worked out. I'd let her know what dates I was around, she would do the same. This year she's not spoken to me beyond a couple of random texts about TV programmes, or when she got her nails done. I think that she honestly doesn't know what she wants and she's using Christmas as thinking time, but after two weeks of it I think I'm done. I have very strong feelings for her but I'm better off on my own.

[Stdavid]

It's really not helpful for a group of strangers to assign 'shoulds' to anyone else's behavior....Whether anyone else believes that she 'should' be is irrelevant, because this is HER decision.

 

The best way to convince someone to change their mind is NOT to pursue her with the idea that she 'should'. That's just the perfect way to p her off and push her even further away, because nobody responds well to 'shoulds'.

 

I'd focus on my own life and on building the best possible future for myself. I'd build pride in my self respect and resilience. That's really the only platform for anything to thrive anyway, because the last thing any woman would find attractive is someone who pines for her and won't move on.

 

I get what you're saying. However, having a whole bunch of people I don't know look at the story (my side of it, anyway) and give their view had been really helpful over Christmas, when I've been dealing with this mostly on my own. I explained the situation to my children (19 and 16) because I thought it was fair to explain why I've been a miserable bastard - I'm not normally like that. I'm normally very upbeat, happy, generous, funny etc. But it's like they spent Christmas with Scrooge before the spirits visited him.

 

My problem right at the start was that when you really love someone, it can be hard to accept that they've treating you badly. You think there must be a reason, or that this is reasonable behaviour and you're the one behaving unreasonably. You kind of nead a reality check.

 

I went in to work today - technically the office is closed until Monday but I could get in and do some paperwork. Tomorrow I'm rejoining a martial arts club I dropped out of nearly ten years ago - the instructors a good friend, he'll take my mind off it the same way the drill sergeant in Full Metal Jacket Cured new recruits of homesickness. Now 2020 is open for business I'll cope much better. It's going to be tough to deal with the feelings I still have for her, but I think I need to do that. Politely, with dignity, but not forgetting how much she's prepared to hurt me if I leave myself vulnerable again.

[Stdavid]

 

I wonder if now that she is working, she has a different perspective of you -- she has either been unhappy for awhile and using it as an excuse or sees her life moving in a different direction. Or there is a guy there

 

As far as I can tell it's just some kind of reevaluation of her life, given that her children have left home. I think it's a kind of empty nest crisis? I don't think there's anyone else. I might feel a bit less rejected if it was.

[abitbroken]

In the past we would spend some time each of us just with our children, some time together, and some time with all our children in once place. Like the Brady Bunch. It just kind of worked out. I'd let her know what dates I was around, she would do the same. This year she's not spoken to me beyond a couple of random texts about TV programmes, or when she got her nails done. I think that she honestly doesn't know what she wants and she's using Christmas as thinking time, but after two weeks of it I think I'm done. I have very strong feelings for her but I'm better off on my own.

 

I would not answer meaningless texts about getting her nails done. only answer real communication - like asking you to dinner or something or calls you on the phone, not texts.

If she had told you she decided to just spend time with her kids over the holiday, that should have been ok....if she mentioned it.

Maybe there is something going on like crisis with one of the kids. But not cool just to not say anything.

If she texts or calls you wondering why you have not responded you are free to tell her because she blew you off for Christmas and she has been too busy to see you over the past few weeks leading up to it. i would keep it real

[RayRay63]

This year she's not spoken to me beyond a couple of random texts about TV programmes, or when she got her nails done.

 

She told you (in code) she thought she wanted out. (The 'not sure about what she wants'.)

 

She left you sitting by yourself over Xmas/new year.

 

Now she sends you breadcrumb type messages, to make sure you are still available.

 

I don't know exactly what she is thinking, but the possibilities are she is hoping you ask her out, or alternately she is hoping you fade away, or somewhere in between she is just stringing you along because she met some new guy through work or some-such and is undecided about him. Or maybe she just wants to be single and has lost the spark with you.

 

The following opinion takes into account the fact that you will (despite advice to the contrary) give it one more shot before you walk, and she has not formally broken it off.

 

Communication #1 (and you should try and telephone and talk to her this time, if she picks up):

 

Hi X, are you free for dinner next Friday?

 

You'll get an answer, and if it is 'not that night' ask her when she is free, and if you get any response other than a positive date setting, move immediately to communication #2.

 

Communication #2 -

 

To be used in the event that she declines/evades the offer of dinner -

 

You haven't wanted to get together since before Xmas. Your actions tell me you want to end things between us. This is not what I wanted, but I will respect your decision. I don't stay friends with exes. Let me know if you rethink things, otherwise, good luck."

 

If she is adult enough to go to dinner and have the break up talk in person, apply communication #2 in principle - you probably won't need the first two sentences, and you might not need the 4th.

 

However you get there, though, I strongly recommend you withdraw your attention from her, walk away, and mean it. That means cutting her off your social media etc.

 

She'll get in touch if she wants to.

[Stdavid]

I've unfollowed her on Facebook - it wasn't doing me any good seeing posts telling me she's having a great Christmas etc.

 

So breadcrumb texts - not a 'good' sign?

 

This whole situation makes me feel pretty pathetic really. I thought I was in a happy relationship. But looking back on it, I've put myself in a situation where I've allowed her to really be in charge and just accepted what she's offered. I've accepted that her new work commitments have meant she has less free time, but I never said that I still wanted to spend time with her. I didn't want to come across as demanding or controlling, but I see now that I've probably gone too far the other way and just become a doormat.

 

How do I learn not to do this?

[RayRay63]

It means for some reason she wants to keep you in orbit. I am suggesting you reverse the power flow from that. Let her see what life is like that without you in it.

 

We learn by making mistakes and getting a metaphorical bloody nose.

[ninjabib]

Breadcrumb texts are worthless. They are for her ego. She wants to know you are still hanging around, waiting on any attention she deems you worthy of receiving. Treat them with the lack of respect they deserve.

 

How does you relying to her texts about her nails help heal the rift she's causing? Ask yourself this question and see what answer you come up with.

 

You learn not to do this by remaining yourself. At some point it seems to me you realised she was pulling away and it put the fear of osing her into you.

 

Sometimes when this happens we go into panic mode and think to ourselves "what have I done wrong to cause this!? How can I fix this?" and slowly but surely we over compensate for things we haven't done but due to panic mode we convince ourselves that we have done something wrong so if we just keep being weak and kissing their backsides they will come round. This actually has the opposite effect and is usually the final nail in the coffin.

 

You just keep on as you are. Keep busy, don't worry about what she's doing, she's clearly not interested in what you are doing.

 

As someone else said her actions speak volumes about the kind of person she is. You have now met the person she really is.

 

Whenever things get a little rough in life this is how shes going to act from here on out. I cant understand why you want to give her a 2nd chance but it's your decision.

 

Rather than sitting there pondering how to get her back I'd be asking myself what can she do to get me back as her recent behaviour is completely disrespectful.

 

Maintain this mentality and any future interactions will be different. Not saying this will bring her back but it will bring you back of that I'm sure and that's more important than waiting around to be deemed worthy of someone speaking to you.

[Stdavid]

Just had another really general 'breadcrumb' txt. The holidays are over, her children are all back at university. Now she wants to know how my day has been...

[Wiseman2]

Do you want to see her again? It sounds like now that's she's not as busy she is putting out feelers.

Just had another really general 'breadcrumb' txt. The holidays are over, her children are all back at university. Now she wants to know how my day has been...

[Stdavid]

Do you want to see her again? It sounds like now that's she's not as busy she is putting out feelers.

That's a tough question. On an emotional level, yes I do. On a practical level, I don't want to get hurt again. I get that we might be able to continue a relationship but what happens next Christmas? She's done it once, why not again?

[goddess]

There she goes again: calling the shots.

 

As you you already said, "One of the things I liked most about her was that she seemed to be a good communicator, but looking back on it, that's always been on her terms." Here is your answer. I know it hurts to end this one-sided relationship, but do you really want to be treated this way? Deep down, I don't think you do, but only you can answer that. IMHO, you need someone who is truly caring and has respect for you, not someone who uses you if, and when, it's convenient for her. She is self-centered and disrespectful. That's not genuine love.

[Wiseman2]

What about meeting for a face-to-face to hash things out? This way you can make a decision based not on texts or next year's forecasts but what both of your expectations are. If it doesn't suit you or she won't meet or clearly discuss things you can end things cleanly. No doubts.

On an emotional level, yes I do. On a practical level, I don't want to get hurt again.

[ninjabib]

That's a tough question. On an emotional level, yes I do. On a practical level, I don't want to get hurt again. I get that we might be able to continue a relationship but what happens next Christmas? She's done it once, why not again?

 

 

You know what you need to do OP

[goddess]

You know what you need to do OP

 

Yes, he does know, but is unable or unwilling to do so, despite our feedback. Based on what OP wrote, he doesn't seem to see the situation on an objective level, as we see it. What can I say?

[Stdavid]

Yes, he does know, but is unable or unwilling to do so, despite our feedback. Based on what OP wrote, he doesn't seem to see the situation on an objective level, as we see it. What can I say?

I'm sorry, yes. I do get what your saying and objectively I know you're right - if I saw anyone in my situation I'd be posting what you all have. I have to bite the bullet on this one and that's not easy. But I do know that if I don't act on this advice then at some point in the further I'll just end up with the same problem.

 

Thank you all for your input and advice. It's been very helpful in a very difficult time.

[ninjabib]

It's never easy but it's always for the best. You will be fine even though it sucks right now.

[goddess]

I wish you all the best in this situation, and I hope you find peace and happiness, Stdavid.