Dating a workaholic

[coolgirl]

But you wrote this:

"Just talking to him on the phone and getting to know him and his family "

 

What did you mean by that?

 

And your additional information sounds like a casual hotel hookup, not a date. He could have taken an Uber or Lyft to meet you at a restaurant.

 

While he and I were talking on the phone he told me hes very family oriented. We talked about each others families and how family is important to him and made plans to meet each others families down the line that's all.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. He strung you along for sex. He's not worth your time. Just delete and block him.

This is what pisses me off the most is that why would you be on an dating app lie to people that you want something more when in reality you dont. Its called leading people on.

[Batya33]

While he and I were talking on the phone he told me hes very family oriented. We talked about each others families and how family is important to him and made plans to meet each others families down the line that's all.

 

Watch the feet -what people do -not the lips -what they say -or not as much. He might be very family oriented and family might be very important to him. It was not important for him to make plans to see you on any regular basis as his actions showed.

[Batya33]

First of all he told me he was looking for ltr. No, hes not homeless. Hes nor married nor living with someone. Then he changed his mind saying he does not want ltr and because of his work he doesnt want to be tied down. I'm like would you say your looking for one than you say you dont. This is what pisses me off even more. He says he has other priorities in life and relationship is not one of them. This is what pisses me off the most is that why would you be on an dating app lie to people that you want something more when in reality you dont. Its called leading people on. I told him from the get go I want a relationship. I told him I don't trust him and certainly my feelings for him has changed.

 

He wasn't leading you on because you only knew him a short time. Perhaps he thought he wanted those things with you in a genuine way and then changed his mind. People are allowed to change their minds especially based on circumstances. Writing something on a profile that isn't true (if it was a lie -you don't know that) leads no one on -it can be misleading but it only leads on people who don't date in real life -who think that dating can be done online, who choose to get attached through typing and talking -and that is on them). Certainly if he never wanted a relationship with you he should not have wasted your time. But maybe he thought he did and once you complained about him not buying you a meal when you were hungry he got turned off. Stuff like that happens in early dating all the time.

[Hollyj]

Let me be quite honest. He doesnt have transportation. He doesnt even has his own car. The only car he drives is his companies truck and he shares the car with his partner. The company he works for has settled him in a hotel because he keeps moving around alot for his job. Not traveling. So he doesnt have his own place except a hotel. We haven't been out on one single date when we met so I ended up driving to his hotel and yes we did sleep together. We were talking on the phone for 2 weeks until I told him I wanted to see him. We shared intimate details and making plans as far as how we wanted to spend our time together but none of that panned out.

 

I even got pissed off and mad at him for not even being considerate enough to take me out for 1 meal. When I told him I'm hungry and would like to grab something to eat the response i got back was I already ate. And I called him out on it. He knew I was pissed. So from then in it started going downhill. I tried to call it quits many times but it became difficult because I was getting to close to him. When I call him he doesn't pick up his phone. He wasnt like this from before.

 

When I text him I get only 1 to 2 lines that's it.

This is how it all started.

 

You didn't even go on a date and you drove to him. Oh goodness! I'm sorry, but this was a booty call, you guys never dated. Have you done this in the past, where you made the bedroom your dates? Please do not ever do this again! You should be going out to places and going on proper dates,and getting to know one another. He was only out for sex, and you served it up.

 

Not only are you setting yourself to be used, but you at also putting yourself in dangerous situations. Don't be so gullible and expect more from people you are connecting with!

[Hollyj]

I was not expecting him to feed me. I've gotten off work late and wanted to go out a grab a bite to eat. But when he said he already ate, I said that was rude of him okay you ate that's fine at least he could had come with me so I wont have to go alone and eat but myself at denny's it would had been nice of him to offer to come with me and plus I wasnt expecting him to pay for me either just to have company. He hasnt token me out on a first date he could had at least kept me company. And plus I offered to pick him up because of his transportation situation.

 

Because he didn't care and only wanted sex.

 

What is his job?

 

How do you know that he is not married or living with someone? You do not know this man.

[Rose Mosse]

I don't think he's a workaholic. He just wasn't into you.

 

Since it's been five weeks and he hasn't spoken to you, you might want to consider it over or that this didn't work out. It's a nice way of telling you he's not interested in seeing you anymore. The one or two texts and him evading you means he's trying to get rid of you (not interested).

 

It goes both ways: he's no good at all and you're a bit green. Let this roll off your back and leave this behind. Meet other people and be safe about it. Don't meet in hotel rooms or in quiet/dark places at odd times of the night. Keep it to public spaces only like coffee shops, restaurants, well-trafficked parks in a hub, a bar or some place like that. There's a reason why so many first dates start off at the cliche coffee shop. Don't get too creative just yet. Take your time.

[HeartGoesOn]

First of all he told me he was looking for ltr. No, hes not homeless. Hes nor married nor living with someone. Then he changed his mind saying he does not want ltr and because of his work he doesnt want to be tied down. I'm like would you say your looking for one than you say you dont. This is what pisses me off even more. He says he has other priorities in life and relationship is not one of them. This is what pisses me off the most is that why would you be on an dating app lie to people that you want something more when in reality you dont. Its called leading people on. I told him from the get go I want a relationship. I told him I don't trust him and certainly my feelings for him has changed.

 

Let me guess...he told you this after you slept with him? He struck gold and then bailed, a classic move as well as being nothing new.

 

I'm sorry this happened, but In his defense he owes you nothing after you agreed to sleep with him. Keep in mind that there's a difference between talking the talk, and walking the walk. Lesson learned...

[Batya33]

I also find that people who work a lot and are passionate about their careers are also far more efficient about time, and great at multitasking so if seeing someone is a priority they are really good at fitting that in if it's a crazy work week and they have to do some "fitting in" rather than having a whole day/days to spend with their person. When I was crazy busy my then boyfriend came to my office one evening and I took a 45 minute break so we could eat dinner together in a conference room.

 

My future husband when we were first dating snuck treats from his conference room (we worked for the same company) with little notes -he was literally working till 4-5am, going home to shower, for a couple of days. And you know what -we'd had no "talks" yet -we'd gone out about 4 times - but we didn't have to to know this could be serious -his actions and mine showed that. A few months later I was the one on a business trip across the country. No cell phones. We spoke daily and - without the other knowing we each sent each other flowers. In fact, we each thought the florist sent the flowers to the wrong place. People who work hard can make awesome partners if they're working hard at something they love and are passionate about and have a strong work ethic they may not have as much actual time to spend with you but they'll make sure you know they care.

 

And, often, it correlates to more $ (not always, like if someone works for the government or nonprofit) which may not be the driving force but it's kind of nice to be able to travel more in style when you do have time, nice to have the freedom in the future to have one parent be at home full time, etc., nice to know you can give to all those charities asking for money on social media that tug at your heart strings. So please don't dismiss people who work their tails off as "workaholics" just because they're not calling you - there may be an entirely different reason and I agree the reason here was he didn't see potential for a relationship. Don't take it personally, just move on. And if you're tempted to be critical of people who are all in about their careers do them a favor and let them find people who admire their values and ambition.

[Rose Mosse]

I also find that people who work a lot and are passionate about their careers are also far more efficient about time, and great at multitasking so if seeing someone is a priority they are really good at fitting that in

 

Yup. Totally agree.

[coolgirl]

I also find that people who work a lot and are passionate about their careers are also far more efficient about time, and great at multitasking so if seeing someone is a priority they are really good at fitting that in if it's a crazy work week and they have to do some "fitting in" rather than having a whole day/days to spend with their person. When I was crazy busy my then boyfriend came to my office one evening and I took a 45 minute break so we could eat dinner together in a conference room.

 

My future husband when we were first dating snuck treats from his conference room (we worked for the same company) with little notes -he was literally working till 4-5am, going home to shower, for a couple of days. And you know what -we'd had no "talks" yet -we'd gone out about 4 times - but we didn't have to to know this could be serious -his actions and mine showed that. A few months later I was the one on a business trip across the country. No cell phones. We spoke daily and - without the other knowing we each sent each other flowers. In fact, we each thought the florist sent the flowers to the wrong place. People who work hard can make awesome partners if they're working hard at something they love and are passionate about and have a strong work ethic they may not have as much actual time to spend with you but they'll make sure you know they care.

 

And, often, it correlates to more $ (not always, like if someone works for the government or nonprofit) which may not be the driving force but it's kind of nice to be able to travel more in style when you do have time, nice to have the freedom in the future to have one parent be at home full time, etc., nice to know you can give to all those charities asking for money on social media that tug at your heart strings. So please don't dismiss people who work their tails off as "workaholics" just because they're not calling you - there may be an entirely different reason and I agree the reason here was he didn't see potential for a relationship. Don't take it personally, just move on. And if you're tempted to be critical of people who are all in about their careers do them a favor and let them find people who admire their values and ambition.

 

I get that hes passionate about his work okay I dont have a problem with that he can work his a..... off for all I care. But if he has other priorities in his life and relationship is not one of them he shouldn't had been on a dating app to begin with. He told me himself that in the beginning he wanted something long term and wanted a relationship. Than telling me later on oh I'm sorry the only priority I have in my life is work and family. Basically telling me how he doesnt have the time for something like this. Its called misleading someone. I never asked him to oh you have to call me everyday or we have to see each other everyday. If he literally does care enough he could take just 10 mins of his busy schedule just to catch up. Going 6 weeks without talking is really unforgivable. All I get in 2 to 3 lines of lousy texts then he disappears. You don't go off treating people like crap. He literally shouldn't had said hes falling for me. How is it hes falling for me and yet treats me like crap and going 6 weeks not talking to that person that's not even a ounce of care.

[Batya33]

I get that hes passionate about his work okay I dont have a problem with that he can work his a..... off for all I care. But if he has other priorities in his life and relationship is not one of them he shouldn't had been on a dating app to begin with. He told me himself that in the beginning he wanted something long term and wanted a relationship. Than telling me later on oh I'm sorry the only priority I have in my life is work and family. Basically telling me how he doesnt have the time for something like this. Its called misleading someone. I never asked him to oh you have to call me everyday or we have to see each other everyday. If he literally does care enough he could take just 10 mins of his busy schedule just to catch up. Going 6 weeks without talking is really unforgivable. All I get in 2 to 3 lines of lousy texts then he disappears. You don't go off treating people like crap. He literally shouldn't had said hes falling for me. How is it hes falling for me and yet treats me like crap and going 6 weeks not talking to that person that's not even a ounce of care.

No it's not misleading. He may have felt that way and may still feel that way. And he didn't want it with you. He doesn't have to keep in touch with you if he doesn't want to. Silence = lack of interest. It's not treating you like crap. It's simply choosing not to ask you out again. He may have felt at that moment like he was falling for you. To me, it was rude of you to insist that he buy you food just because you were hungry. He was not hungry and he probably found it rude that you'd ask for him to buy you food in that situation. Sure, if you'd left your wallet at home by accident but you had a very entitled attitude about it and I would not be surprised if that was one of the reasons he chose not to see you again. Not because he can't afford to buy you a meal but because of how you approached it and how you confronted him.

He is allowed to be on a dating app and allowed to say he wants a relationship if when he typed it he meant it. He is allowed to use flattering words if he's feeling excited. Later he simply realized he wasn't that into you after you met up to have sex with him and he realized that he might want to have sex again but you wanted more and also expected him to buy you a meal when you say 'I'm hungry, whether you are or not, please take me to a restaurant and also pay for me' or similar. Even men who are more traditional and enjoy treating women likely would be put off by the whole entitlement thing.

 

Also did he promise before you met up to have sex that he would be exclusive with you? My sense is no so in that way he was right to assume you were ok with a casual hookup with a near stranger. That often can come across as "I'm fine with casual sex and not really looking for anything serious". Certainly one night stands can then become a relationship, a marriage, but it sure is a risky way to approach getting to know a stranger if you truly are looking for a relationship.

 

Edited to add- from your comments you say you don't have a problem with him working all the time/being passionate about his work. But maybe he wants someone who is affirmatively positive about his passion positive about his dedication to his work. My husband would not have kept dating me if I had not been and the reverse is true too. He may not just want "tolerance" for his lifestyle but affirmative acceptance. It's fine if you don't value someone who is passionate about his work -find someone who thinks of his work as just a job, a way to pay his bills. Nothing wrong with that approach at all and there can be a lot of positives with people who look at work as just a job.

[Rose Mosse]

I get that hes passionate about his work okay I dont have a problem with that he can work his a..... off for all I care. But if he has other priorities in his life and relationship is not one of them he shouldn't had been on a dating app to begin with. He told me himself that in the beginning he wanted something long term and wanted a relationship. Than telling me later on oh I'm sorry the only priority I have in my life is work and family. Basically telling me how he doesnt have the time for something like this. Its called misleading someone. I never asked him to oh you have to call me everyday or we have to see each other everyday. If he literally does care enough he could take just 10 mins of his busy schedule just to catch up. Going 6 weeks without talking is really unforgivable. All I get in 2 to 3 lines of lousy texts then he disappears. You don't go off treating people like crap. He literally shouldn't had said hes falling for me. How is it hes falling for me and yet treats me like crap and going 6 weeks not talking to that person that's not even a ounce of care.

 

I think he was misleading and I agreed with you in my first post. Just take this with a pinch of salt. Towards the end though, I'm getting the feeling that he wasn't as into you as you were into him. That's where the original misleading goes a little awry. He should have just be honest with you and said he was looking for something different in a woman but that brings its own can of worms. Unfortunately people don't do this most of the time. Why? It's because one person doesn't want to hurt the other person too much especially when you barely know one another. It gets funky if the other person doesn't take no for an answer or pleads their case. Can anyone say drama?

 

There is some etiquette there while dating. You don't demolish someone when things don't work out - simply go your separate ways or reply less and eventually show disinterest. I believe that's what he was doing at the end. You have to read between the lines like that.

 

Don't worry, chica. More men out there. Be kind to yourself and let this "don't have the time to do anything" guy go.

[bluecastle]

What Batya is saying.

 

I get that this hurts, but I'm not sure it's misleading. He's not some scoundrel that should be banned from dating apps simply because he does not want to date you, which is kind of what you're arguing. He may have felt one way about you and then he stopped feeling that way, for whatever reasons, and made that clear in words and actions. It happens. A lot. It is allowed. He was not placed on the planet, or the dating app, for you.

 

It happens in long marriages, where people lose feelings and decide to end things, and it is a far more likely outcome in early dating, when there is no history, no real connection, but just two strangers seeing about seeing each other. The most likely outcome of that experiment is that one of the strangers decides it all just feels more strange than worth continuing.

 

If what you want is a slow burn of walks, talks, and dinners, then in the future I'd focus on men who naturally offer that or on delicately steering things toward that from the outset, not in aggressive pivots, as seems to have been the case here. People do not like to be "called out" for doing something that, an hour or day before, another person seemed completely fine with.

 

It is always a bummer, these moments. When I was dating I had a number of promising connections that fizzled. Sometimes I was the one who suddenly felt differently, sometimes it was the woman. Sometimes that was handled gracefully, other times less so. Regardless, the story was always the same one, in the end: bad match, which mean the better match was still out there, with someone else. As is yours. Inhale, exhale, let this go.

[Batya33]

"We haven't been out on one single date when we met so I ended up driving to his hotel and yes we did sleep together. We were talking on the phone for 2 weeks until I told him I wanted to see him. We shared intimate details and making plans as far as how we wanted to spend our time together but none of that panned out."

 

Please treat a first meet as meeting a stranger. You chose to drive to his hotel and go to a stranger's hotel room and have sex with him. That's not really consistent with wanting a long term relationship. And it is consistent with showing you don't give a darn about your personal safety and it reflects desperation. No, he did not need to take you out on a date. But for a first meet you meet at a mutually convenient place if at all possible and you each pay for yourselves whether you get coffee or a meal. Then maybe you hug goodbye or a quick kiss while making plans for a first official date if you both feel like it. Your words and actions did not match. Again, casual sex is fine, and also fine to have sex right away - and sometimes the chemistry works and the people date and get to know each other, marry, live happily ever after. But basically you chose to type and talk to a stranger for two weeks till 4am (also telling him you don't have much of a life -giving that impression) - the make it easy for him in every way while risking being raped/assaulted or worse- a hotel? Not even a place where you could find him again or have to rely on some hotel clerk to verify he was there. A place where he easily could have had others in the room ready to do you harm.

 

And he knows all of that, knew how little regard you must have for your personal safety. That plus complaining to him about his unwillingness to pay for a meal for you when you happened to feel hungry just isn't a good look. One might assume -wrongly - but impressions can be wrong -that you were telling him that since you drove to see him and had sex with him he owed you a meal. Again not consistent with a woman who has reasonable self confidence and the desire for a long term relationship.

 

You labeled him as a workaholic and a liar based on first impressions. So you now how easily first impressions happen whether wrong or right in real life.

[Hollyj]

I get that hes passionate about his work okay I dont have a problem with that he can work his a..... off for all I care. But if he has other priorities in his life and relationship is not one of them he shouldn't had been on a dating app to begin with. He told me himself that in the beginning he wanted something long term and wanted a relationship. Than telling me later on oh I'm sorry the only priority I have in my life is work and family. Basically telling me how he doesnt have the time for something like this. Its called misleading someone. I never asked him to oh you have to call me everyday or we have to see each other everyday. If he literally does care enough he could take just 10 mins of his busy schedule just to catch up. Going 6 weeks without talking is really unforgivable. All I get in 2 to 3 lines of lousy texts then he disappears. You don't go off treating people like crap. He literally shouldn't had said hes falling for me. How is it hes falling for me and yet treats me like crap and going 6 weeks not talking to that person that's not even a ounce of care.

 

He said those things to get you into bed. That is it. He only wanted sex.

 

Next time, do not have dates in men's bedrooms. Go out on dates and actually get to know people.

 

How old are you?

[Batya33]

He said those things to get you into bed. That is it. He only wanted sex.

 

Next time, do not have dates in men's bedrooms. Go out on dates and actually get to know people.

 

How old are you?

 

He might have or he might have realized while she was willing to chat with him -and probably about sexual stuff -that despite wanting a relationship she seemed willing to meet up at his hotel room so a casual hook up might be a pleasant diversion. I don't see where he promised her monogamy, let alone exclusivity before they had sex- or that she even asked. And she wrote that she couldn't meet up with him on one of the times he suggested because of her work conflict. I think the best way to screen out serious minded people from otherwise is for the person to show with his/her actions that she is serious minded -not just talk and then showing up at a hotel room for a hook up with a stranger for all practical purposes.

[Hollyj]

He might have or he might have realized while she was willing to chat with him -and probably about sexual stuff -that despite wanting a relationship she seemed willing to meet up at his hotel room so a casual hook up might be a pleasant diversion. I don't see where he promised her monogamy, let alone exclusivity before they had sex- or that she even asked. And she wrote that she couldn't meet up with him on one of the times he suggested because of her work conflict. I think the best way to screen out serious minded people from otherwise is for the person to show with his/her actions that she is serious minded -not just talk and then showing up at a hotel room for a hook up with a stranger for all practical purposes.

 

I agree. If you want a relationship, you do not provide sex on delivery. You date people and get to know them, before sleeping with them. I also do not understand why you still believes what he said, as actions are all that mattered. Poor and dangerous judgement.

[RayRay63]

When I told him I'm hungry and would like to grab something to eat the response i got back was I already ate. And I called him out on it. He knew I was pissed. So from then in it started going downhill. I tried to call it quits many times but it became difficult because I was getting to close to him. When I call him he doesn't pick up his phone. He wasnt like this from before.

 

When I text him I get only 1 to 2 lines that's it.

This is how it all started.

 

You met him on a dating APP, you slept with him, seems like he has lost interest.

 

I would dump this one back in the pond and move on.