Online dating anxiety

[Boo1986]

Rejection always comes with the territory. What happened to you? I mean - what caused you to fear social interaction so much? Did you come from a traumatic or abused past?

 

I’m not even sure, I’ve always been shy then it developed into social anxiety. My childhood wasn’t bad, a few dramas but nothing super traumatic

[TeeDee]

Let's go with the worst case scenario. Barring the absurd like you go on the date & there's a terrorist attack, what is it that you fear?

 

Are you afraid the other person will physically hurt you or rape you? If you get that vibe don't go. If you are just generally cautious & untrusting ( I was when I was on OLD), have a plan. Tell a friend where you will be going on with whom as well as when you expect to return. Meet in a public well lit place & don't drink too much. If you can manage it pick the place where you meet so the workers there know you are on an internet date.

 

Are you afraid you will go on the date & "choke" so that you have nothing to talk about? Rehearse a few open ended Qs to keep the conversation flowing: What did you want to be when you grew up? How did you come to chose the college you attended? Where was your last vacation? What's your dream destination? etc.

 

Are you afraid the other person won't find you attractive? Look your best. Wear something that makes you feel confident. If they don't like you, that is on them not you. What if you don't like them?

 

Are you afraid you are gonna say something stupid? newsflash most people are so self centered especially when they are nervous as long as you are polite it probably wasn't that bad.

 

You are being your own worst enemy here. You are meeting somebody for the 1st time. good or bad, no matter their opinion, they are a stranger in your life. They don't get to dictate who you are as a person. Stop giving them that much power

[Boo1986]

Let's go with the worst case scenario. Barring the absurd like you go on the date & there's a terrorist attack, what is it that you fear?

 

Are you afraid the other person will physically hurt you or rape you? If you get that vibe don't go. If you are just generally cautious & untrusting ( I was when I was on OLD), have a plan. Tell a friend where you will be going on with whom as well as when you expect to return. Meet in a public well lit place & don't drink too much. If you can manage it pick the place where you meet so the workers there know you are on an internet date.

 

Are you afraid you will go on the date & "choke" so that you have nothing to talk about? Rehearse a few open ended Qs to keep the conversation flowing: What did you want to be when you grew up? How did you come to chose the college you attended? Where was your last vacation? What's your dream destination? etc.

 

Are you afraid the other person won't find you attractive? Look your best. Wear something that makes you feel confident. If they don't like you, that is on them not you. What if you don't like them?

 

Are you afraid you are gonna say something stupid? newsflash most people are so self centered especially when they are nervous as long as you are polite it probably wasn't that bad.

 

You are being your own worst enemy here. You are meeting somebody for the 1st time. good or bad, no matter their opinion, they are a stranger in your life. They don't get to dictate who you are as a person. Stop giving them that much power

 

I’m not scared of being hurt or anything physically because I always meet in very public places at day time. My worst fear is that they will be rude in real life and make an excuse and leave after a few minutes. I think particularly with this latest guy I’m talking to because he constantly goes on about my looks hence I feel like he’s only interested in me for that - we do get along well and laugh and have some things in common, but he’s saying how good it would be to have a hot gf etc jokingly and he wouldn’t date a girl over 80kg etc and that makes me feel uneasy... maybe it’s this particular guy that’s giving me anxiety more than normal ... I often do say silly things due to nerves but I’ve come to accept that about myself and know the right type of guy likes that about me...

[waffle]

I really want to meet someone but I’m finding online dating really anxiety inducing. I’ve tried lots of ways and I know people will say wait till your ready but that will be never and I’m not getting any younger. I was meant to meet a guy I had been chatting to on Friday - and he got to the place and I was so sick with anxiety I had to cancel - I felt so so bad but I was almost spewing. I had all these scenarios in my head of how he could reject me and it made me feel sick. He is funny but I think superficial so if he didn’t like me I’d assume it’s because he thinks I’m ugly? He is still wanting to meet up but I’m hesitant because he seems to have super high expectations. I Is there any tips anyone can give me to get through this??? I’m desperate for help.

 

Then why meet him? It doesn't sound like his values align with yours. If you don't want to be judged by your pictures, then don't post or share pictures. It really is that simple.

(although I suppose many sites require them nowadays. Interestingly they don't require men to post their financials, which is what a lot of women care about but of course that makes them "gold diggers" and is unacceptable. Being shallow and looks-focused is completely acceptable).

 

Yes you’ve got a point. I’ve just heard lots of stories lately of people who have gone to meet someone and the person saw them and walked away and never showed up, I think that is so mean - and obviously they looked like there photos to know who it was and then do the runner. I have been told I look like my photos (which is apparently rare). I never even think what if I don’t like them...

It’s so hard wish I could meet someone the old fashioned way to take all the pressure off

 

I was looking for the "I've heard lots of stories" comment, because I knew there had to be one. Every guy out there has tons of stories where all of the ladies that showed up to meet him "don't look like their pictures" (whatever that even means. I think it means they work up a fantasy in their head that no woman can possibly measure up to) and they are more than willing to share these stories with other women. If they didn't, how would we know if it's rare or not to look like your pictures? The anger and hatred with which they talk about these women is pretty scary. When women hear that enough, how does that not cause insecurities? If he (he meaning any man) talks freely about other women that way to you, it is not a stretch to assume he will talk about you that way to the next women he chats with.

 

There's the root of your self-esteem killer.

 

I could meet someone the old fashioned way to take all the pressure off

Then do that. No one is forcing you to participate in the online nonsense.

[Batya33]

I’m not scared of being hurt or anything physically because I always meet in very public places at day time. My worst fear is that they will be rude in real life and make an excuse and leave after a few minutes. I think particularly with this latest guy I’m talking to because he constantly goes on about my looks hence I feel like he’s only interested in me for that - we do get along well and laugh and have some things in common, but he’s saying how good it would be to have a hot gf etc jokingly and he wouldn’t date a girl over 80kg etc and that makes me feel uneasy... maybe it’s this particular guy that’s giving me anxiety more than normal ... I often do say silly things due to nerves but I’ve come to accept that about myself and know the right type of guy likes that about me...

 

So can you rehearse in advance what you will do for yourself in this worst case scenario? Also are you concerned about your weight? Are you interested in losing weight or trying to (or not?). That information would help me give input and fine if you don't ant to share.

 

You don't have to say silly things because of nerves- would you do that on a job interview? It takes practice to interact socially with a stranger you might want to go on a date with in the future but the practice is worth it. I practice too because I am looking to make new friends in the city I moved to 10 years ago after over 40 years in one city. I know my weak points socially and I rehearse/give it thought/practice - if your goal is a long term relationship, work on your social skills -no need to accept saying silly things to a stranger that you then regret (silly things to a partner -I mean, sure, I did that just last night - shared my weird idea for a sitcom scene based on his work situation he shared with me -something I'd never do with someone I didn't know well).

I wouldn't "accept" it in the context you described. I'd practice restraint and being aware of your triggers for saying silly things to a new person.

[Boo1986]

So can you rehearse in advance what you will do for yourself in this worst case scenario? Also are you concerned about your weight? Are you interested in losing weight or trying to (or not?). That information would help me give input and fine if you don't ant to share.

 

You don't have to say silly things because of nerves- would you do that on a job interview? It takes practice to interact socially with a stranger you might want to go on a date with in the future but the practice is worth it. I practice too because I am looking to make new friends in the city I moved to 10 years ago after over 40 years in one city. I know my weak points socially and I rehearse/give it thought/practice - if your goal is a long term relationship, work on your social skills -no need to accept saying silly things to a stranger that you then regret (silly things to a partner -I mean, sure, I did that just last night - shared my weird idea for a sitcom scene based on his work situation he shared with me -something I'd never do with someone I didn't know well).

I wouldn't "accept" it in the context you described. I'd practice restraint and being aware of your triggers for saying silly things to a new person.

 

I’m not concerned about my weight, The only thing that doesn’t concern me haha, I’m naturally slim so that is one thing I guess that is lucky. I haven’t got the prettiest face but I try to work with what I have. I never thought about practising like a job interview, but now that you mention it it makes sense. One guy I really liked from online a few years ago I carefully constructed every text to him and planned out convo questions for when we’d meet because I wanted him to like me sooo bad and I don’t know if it was that that made it work or it was just luck but he liked me back, so maybe it is worth doing that. I just worry that that is not being my authentic self? Hmm that has really given me something to think about that I never thought of before!

[Boo1986]

Then why meet him? It doesn't sound like his values align with yours. If you don't want to be judged by your pictures, then don't post or share pictures. It really is that simple.

(although I suppose many sites require them nowadays. Interestingly they don't require men to post their financials, which is what a lot of women care about but of course that makes them "gold diggers" and is unacceptable. Being shallow and looks-focused is completely acceptable).

 

 

 

I was looking for the "I've heard lots of stories" comment, because I knew there had to be one. Every guy out there has tons of stories where all of the ladies that showed up to meet him "don't look like their pictures" (whatever that even means. I think it means they work up a fantasy in their head that no woman can possibly measure up to) and they are more than willing to share these stories with other women. If they didn't, how would we know if it's rare or not to look like your pictures? The anger and hatred with which they talk about these women is pretty scary. When women hear that enough, how does that not cause insecurities? If he (he meaning any man) talks freely about other women that way to you, it is not a stretch to assume he will talk about you that way to the next women he chats with.

 

There's the root of your self-esteem killer.

 

 

Then do that. No one is forcing you to participate in the online nonsense.

 

Yes you seem to have gotten to the point of my insecurities. I did want to meet the guy I was talking to because I find him very funny and I really like to laugh, however he has ruined it by having absurd expectations of me. I know that I’m not being forced into but I have met someone online in the past and was happy so have thehope that I can potentially do it again.

[Wiseman2]

This is why after a few messages you need to meet in person. Are you sure your own expectations aren't ruining everything for you?

he has ruined it by having absurd expectations of me.

[Boo1986]

This is why after a few messages you need to meet in person. Are you sure your own expectations aren't ruining everything for you?

 

No he’s talking about the future like travelling together, going camping, how many dogs etc etc, before we’ve even met.

[Wiseman2]

Why allow that to go on and on? Meet asap. If you don't like their looks or teeth or think they are not good enough for you, you can wrap it up and simply nicely say you're not a match, instead of getting into crazy stuff with everyone before ever meeting. You Do Not Know These People. There is nothing to argue about.

 

If you can't leave the house, get off dating sites and get to a physician. Clearly the anxiety seems to be upsetting you and not under good control. Do you work outside the house? How do you deal with real people in real life? Are you worried they don't have teeth and strange thoughts like that? Do you blame them for "ruining things"?

No he’s talking about the future like travelling together, going camping, how many dogs etc etc, before we’ve even met.

[Boo1986]

Why allow that to go on and on? Meet asap. If you don't like their looks or teeth or think they are not good enough for you, you can wrap it up and simply nicely say you're not a match, instead of getting into crazy stuff with everyone before ever meeting. You Do Not Know These People. There is nothing to argue about.

 

If you can't leave the house, get off dating sites and get to a physician. Clearly the anxiety seems to be upsetting you and not under good control. Do you work outside the house? How do you deal with real people in real life? Are you worried they don't have teeth and strange thoughts like that? Do you blame them for "ruining things"?

 

I don’t worry that everyone has no teeth, that was just one crazy thought I had that I said it loud I probably shouldn’t have. And I never think anyone is not good enough for me, usually the opposite. If someone likes me I assume something is wrong with them, I know it’s not healthy way to be. I work a full time job, I don’t deal with the public very much rather Drs and nurses and I seem to manage ok and am always polite. I know I have a slightly paranoid imagination when it comes to dating and members of the opposite sex that is my main problem, I can/do leave the house every day for other normal stuff. I have been to a dr and see a psychologist already.

[Batya33]

I’m not concerned about my weight, The only thing that doesn’t concern me haha, I’m naturally slim so that is one thing I guess that is lucky. I haven’t got the prettiest face but I try to work with what I have. I never thought about practising like a job interview, but now that you mention it it makes sense. One guy I really liked from online a few years ago I carefully constructed every text to him and planned out convo questions for when we’d meet because I wanted him to like me sooo bad and I don’t know if it was that that made it work or it was just luck but he liked me back, so maybe it is worth doing that. I just worry that that is not being my authentic self? Hmm that has really given me something to think about that I never thought of before!

 

Since when is working on improving social skills in person not being authentic? Isn't it about being your best self -not just for dating? I wouldn't work on text messages other than working on texting very little before meeting and keeping the texts on a practical level, plus one or two phone calls for a safety screening plus "do I think I would be comfortable meeting this person in person for about 45 minutes".

If you want someone to like you soooooo bad then work on developing a much thicker skin - why do you care so much about what a stranger thinks?

I work on my social interactions daily because I am a parent -sometimes I have to fake it till I make it so I don't raise my voice out of frustration or burden my son with my daily life "stresses"- same deal with you -you are nervous and you're reacting to being nervous by acting in ways that probably give off an insecure or negative vibe to a stranger you might want to go on a date with someday.

 

That's great that you're naturally slim. Me too. It helps a lot -whether fair or not -in dating.

[Batya33]

No he’s talking about the future like travelling together, going camping, how many dogs etc etc, before we’ve even met.

 

I would not meet this person or keep interacting with a person who crossed boundaries inappropriately like that. I met a person like that once and it was a disaster after the second official date. Only blessing was the disaster which was in the form of harassing emails motivated me to meet up with my future husband. We'd been serious in the past and he'd contacted me a few weeks earlier after years apart to see if I wanted to catch up over dinner, platonically. After harassing emai number 5 or 6 my future husband happened to call to say he could meet that night -was it too last minute? I figured - i am so burned out right now by Mr. Psycho that it will be so great to hang out with someone where my dating life will not be a topic of conversation and it will not be a date. We've now been married almost 11 years.

[SherrySher]

I agree, Batya.

 

If someone is over the top and is going on and on about the future and you've not met, red flag. It's not attractive, it's psycho and desperate and would make a woman want to run the other way.

 

To be honest, Boo, you sound like you've got a better head on your shoulders than he does with how he is so superficial and running full steam ahead with someone he hasn't even met yet.

That could be what's triggering you and it's not necessarily anxiety but your intuition telling you that he's not the one.

[bluecastle]

What is your authentic self? Who is she? What does an ideal Sunday look like? What does age 40 look like? What brings her joy, wonder? What does sharing that self with another look like? Are these questions you can answer easily? Are these question that, when asked in the confines of your own mind, trigger calm and excitement or despair?

 

I ask because my impression, at least in the context of dating, is that your primary focus is not being alone “forever,” followed by being liked “sooooo much,” followed by not being “rejected“ in any way, shape, or form. All that is fear-based, and trying to eliminate fear through swiping, matching, meeting. Yet that doesn’t seem to be working well as a guide, judging from your posting history. A year ago you were going on dates, and now you’re having pre-date panic attacks. That’s the thing about fear: if we indulge it, it grows. And the things that we indulge most are generally the things we bring to the table on dates, and display to others as our authentic self.

 

In your shoes right now I would dedicate 1-3 months to working with a therapist (perhaps a new one) on your self-esteem issues, anxieties, and crippling fear of rejection. If dating/relationships are running a marathon, those add up to a broken leg, sprained ankle, and collapsed lung. Impossible to run even 10 feet, let alone 26 miles, a lesson I feel life is begging you to learn right now, and listen to.

 

Some people can run a marathon in 2 hours, others take 10. What those people all have in common is not just the desire but the capability to run a marathon. They are not too petrified of it to do it. They train, get comfortable with their pace. They accept that pain and discomfort—even injury—are part of the package; they know they can recover, and have decided the rewards are worth the risks. If they want a running partner, they want someone who roughly matches their pace, not someone who will carry them to the finish line.

 

I agree with the others that this guy sounds a bit over the top, but with a healthier headspace that is just stuff to shrug off, not spin out about. From what you’re writing here, it’s literally impossible for me to imagine any man being able to cut through your paranoia. You said it yourself: if a guy is kind and interested, your knee-jerk response is that something is wrong with him. If a guy is handsome and confident, you assume he’s a player. If he’s not so attractive you wonder if he’s only into you because you’re not attractive, though if he compliments your looks the assumption becomes that he only cares about you being attractive. Where is the point of entry for connection in all that?

 

I really think finding that on your own is going to go a long way toward making this all easier, doable. That’s the thick skin, which I like to think of as a thing that protects an open, tender heart. Past all the hyperventilating I see a pretty cool woman here: 32, slim, at some point into hiking and surfing, with some kind of background in a science and a sense of humor. That’s a very attractive “package” right there, but you have to see it, cultivate it, and cherish it first.

[Boo1986]

I would not meet this person or keep interacting with a person who crossed boundaries inappropriately like that. I met a person like that once and it was a disaster after the second official date. Only blessing was the disaster which was in the form of harassing emails motivated me to meet up with my future husband. We'd been serious in the past and he'd contacted me a few weeks earlier after years apart to see if I wanted to catch up over dinner, platonically. After harassing emai number 5 or 6 my future husband happened to call to say he could meet that night -was it too last minute? I figured - i am so burned out right now by Mr. Psycho that it will be so great to hang out with someone where my dating life will not be a topic of conversation and it will not be a date. We've now been married almost 11 years.

 

That is a lovely story of how you met your husband - especially since you dated in the past and hadn’t been in contact for years, it was meant to be!

[Boo1986]

I agree, Batya.

 

If someone is over the top and is going on and on about the future and you've not met, red flag. It's not attractive, it's psycho and desperate and would make a woman want to run the other way.

 

To be honest, Boo, you sound like you've got a better head on your shoulders than he does with how he is so superficial and running full steam ahead with someone he hasn't even met yet.

That could be what's triggering you and it's not necessarily anxiety but your intuition telling you that he's not the one.

 

Yes I was wondering that myself, as much as I find him funny I guess he makes me uncomfortable when he acts like that and that’s probably a big part of the reason I couldn’t meet him that day, something just felt really off.

[Boo1986]

What is your authentic self? Who is she? What does an ideal Sunday look like? What does age 40 look like? What brings her joy, wonder? What does sharing that self with another look like? Are these questions you can answer easily? Are these question that, when asked in the confines of your own mind, trigger calm and excitement or despair?

 

I ask because my impression, at least in the context of dating, is that your primary focus is not being alone “forever,” followed by being liked “sooooo much,” followed by not being “rejected“ in any way, shape, or form. All that is fear-based, and trying to eliminate fear through swiping, matching, meeting. Yet that doesn’t seem to be working well as a guide, judging from your posting history. A year ago you were going on dates, and now you’re having pre-date panic attacks. That’s the thing about fear: if we indulge it, it grows. And the things that we indulge most are generally the things we bring to the table on dates, and display to others as our authentic self.

 

In your shoes right now I would dedicate 1-3 months to working with a therapist (perhaps a new one) on your self-esteem issues, anxieties, and crippling fear of rejection. If dating/relationships are running a marathon, those add up to a broken leg, sprained ankle, and collapsed lung. Impossible to run even 10 feet, let alone 26 miles, a lesson I feel life is begging you to learn right now, and listen to.

 

Some people can run a marathon in 2 hours, others take 10. What those people all have in common is not just the desire but the capability to run a marathon. They are not too petrified of it to do it. They train, get comfortable with their pace. They accept that pain and discomfort—even injury—are part of the package; they know they can recover, and have decided the rewards are worth the risks. If they want a running partner, they want someone who roughly matches their pace, not someone who will carry them to the finish line.

 

I agree with the others that this guy sounds a bit over the top, but with a healthier headspace that is just stuff to shrug off, not spin out about. From what you’re writing here, it’s literally impossible for me to imagine any man being able to cut through your paranoia. You said it yourself: if a guy is kind and interested, your knee-jerk response is that something is wrong with him. If a guy is handsome and confident, you assume he’s a player. If he’s not so attractive you wonder if he’s only into you because you’re not attractive, though if he compliments your looks the assumption becomes that he only cares about you being attractive. Where is the point of entry for connection in all that?

 

I really think finding that on your own is going to go a long way toward making this all easier, doable. That’s the thick skin, which I like to think of as a thing that protects an open, tender heart. Past all the hyperventilating I see a pretty cool woman here: 32, slim, at some point into hiking and surfing, with some kind of background in a science and a sense of humor. That’s a very attractive “package” right there, but you have to see it, cultivate it, and cherish it first.

 

Thanks for your well thought out advice, I can answer some of those questions, I guess I’m quite child like in ways and lots of small things bring me joy and I just want someone to share those things with, Someone on the same page as me. However the way I’m heading 40 is scary at the moment as I don’t want to be in the same position I am in now - hence why I try to force myself to do online dating. I love the comparison to running a marathon, that is such a great way to put it. I have an appt with my cousellor next week so I’m going to talk about what happened and is happening to me and try to come up with a plan to beat this way of thinking. Thanks for the nice compliment at the end too I guess I just have to start believing it myself and make it true.

[Wiseman2]

Make sure your real life is full and has many social opportunities. Join some clubs, groups and volunteer. Get out more, take some courses and classes. Round out to your life so you're not using dating site chitchat (with no intention of meeting - finding excuses not to, etc.) in lieu of having friends, places to go and things to do. One way or the other you are placing away too much emphasis on dating site chitchat with strangers and not putting enough effort into being an interesting person.

[TeeDee]

My worst fear is that they will be rude in real life and make an excuse and leave after a few minutes. I think particularly with this latest guy I’m talking to because he constantly goes on about my looks hence I feel like he’s only interested in me for that - we do get along well and laugh and have some things in common, but he’s saying how good it would be to have a hot gf etc jokingly and he wouldn’t date a girl over 80kg etc and that makes me feel uneasy... maybe it’s this particular guy that’s giving me anxiety more than normal ... ...

 

If you show up & somebody is rude, you leave. It's really as simple as that. You are not obligated to remain there & put yourself through that.

 

Part of your problem is you don't screen well. All of that garbage is huge red flags. this guy is not a good person. Your anxiety is coming from you attempting to force something when your subconscious is screaming at you to run away from this jerk.

 

When you see / hear red flags listen to them!

 

 

No he’s talking about the future like travelling together, going camping, how many dogs etc etc, before we’ve even met.

 

This is called love bombing. This guy is telling you a set of lies he thinks you want to hear in order to sleep with him.

 

Men who project this far into the future before even meeting or within the first few months are to be avoided. They are not healthy well balanced individuals.

 

Yes I was wondering that myself, as much as I find him funny I guess he makes me uncomfortable when he acts like that and that’s probably a big part of the reason I couldn’t meet him that day, something just felt really off.

 

If somebody makes you uncomfortable while you are talking to them based on what they say, stop talking to them. The world is a big place. Don't let somebody else dictate what you tolerate.

 

Seriously learn how to better screen the men you are talking to & your anxiety should dissipate.

[Batya33]

Thanks for your well thought out advice, I can answer some of those questions, I guess I’m quite child like in ways and lots of small things bring me joy and I just want someone to share those things with, Someone on the same page as me. However the way I’m heading 40 is scary at the moment as I don’t want to be in the same position I am in now - hence why I try to force myself to do online dating. I love the comparison to running a marathon, that is such a great way to put it. I have an appt with my cousellor next week so I’m going to talk about what happened and is happening to me and try to come up with a plan to beat this way of thinking. Thanks for the nice compliment at the end too I guess I just have to start believing it myself and make it true.

 

Remember -it's not online dating. It's dating where you do the first contact online - get into the mindset that it's regular dating -online part is just a throw away. I don't think it's child like at all to love the small things.

I would not focus on the abstract "believing in myself" - that will happen while you are busy doing small and medium and large positive things in your daily life, in your hourly life. "Believing in myself" and similar cliches and abstractions can easily be used as an excuse to be stagnant or passively wait for things to happen. What are you going to do today that is an active example of believing in yourself? So I don't have that general goal but today so far (it's not 9am yet) I believed in myself by getting on the treadmill even though I was tired and hungry, by slowing down a bit afterwards and actually experiencing how nice my child-free shower felt, and by refusing to get stressed about things I don't need to worry about now or maybe ever. I'd get very nitty gritty and specific like that. It's harder and it requires being proactive and changing things up a bit/getting out of your comfort zone but it's worth it IMHO.

[Boo1986]

Make sure your real life is full and has many social opportunities. Join some clubs, groups and volunteer. Get out more, take some courses and classes. Round out to your life so you're not using dating site chitchat (with no intention of meeting - finding excuses not to, etc.) in lieu of having friends, places to go and things to do. One way or the other you are placing away too much emphasis on dating site chitchat with strangers and not putting enough effort into being an interesting person.

 

I think if i had a full social circle and lots to do i probably wouldnt bother with online dating.

[Boo1986]

If you show up & somebody is rude, you leave. It's really as simple as that. You are not obligated to remain there & put yourself through that.

 

Part of your problem is you don't screen well. All of that garbage is huge red flags. this guy is not a good person. Your anxiety is coming from you attempting to force something when your subconscious is screaming at you to run away from this jerk.

 

When you see / hear red flags listen to them!

 

 

 

 

This is called love bombing. This guy is telling you a set of lies he thinks you want to hear in order to sleep with him.

 

Men who project this far into the future before even meeting or within the first few months are to be avoided. They are not healthy well balanced individuals.

 

 

 

If somebody makes you uncomfortable while you are talking to them based on what they say, stop talking to them. The world is a big place. Don't let somebody else dictate what you tolerate.

 

Seriously learn how to better screen the men you are talking to & your anxiety should dissipate.

 

Thanks and you are right, i started talking to another guy online and he doesnt induce any of these bad feelings at the thought of meeting. The world is a big place you are right, what was I even thinking- sooo many red flags!!!

[Boo1986]

Remember -it's not online dating. It's dating where you do the first contact online - get into the mindset that it's regular dating -online part is just a throw away. I don't think it's child like at all to love the small things.

I would not focus on the abstract "believing in myself" - that will happen while you are busy doing small and medium and large positive things in your daily life, in your hourly life. "Believing in myself" and similar cliches and abstractions can easily be used as an excuse to be stagnant or passively wait for things to happen. What are you going to do today that is an active example of believing in yourself? So I don't have that general goal but today so far (it's not 9am yet) I believed in myself by getting on the treadmill even though I was tired and hungry, by slowing down a bit afterwards and actually experiencing how nice my child-free shower felt, and by refusing to get stressed about things I don't need to worry about now or maybe ever. I'd get very nitty gritty and specific like that. It's harder and it requires being proactive and changing things up a bit/getting out of your comfort zone but it's worth it IMHO.

 

I dont want to passively wait while life passes me by, the thought of that is scary. I dont know how to do what you do.... I'm constantly busy and doing stuff but not much of it feels that important - more like going through the motions.

[Wiseman2]

Ok, don't use people on there as entertainment. Why not get started getting involved in real life. Takes classes, courses, volunteer. Join groups and clubs. Get in shape, improve your activity and nutrition levels. Get a new look, new clothes, hair, whatever. Learn to make friends. Learn to think of others and not stand people up or treat them like pics and texts that aren't real people. Try to be part of the solution, not part of the problem with online dating by being rude or flaky or fake.

I think if i had a full social circle and lots to do i probably wouldnt bother with online dating.