Is she self-centered? Am I being unreasonable?

[maew]

Did you intend to come across as a parent? I am sure you didn't... but that's how it landed on everyone that read your message. It's okay that you don't agree, as you are entitled to your point of view... however I believe that we always have room for improvement in our lives and sometimes having others point out our blindspots is how we get there.

 

There is a book called "How to Win Friends and Influence People"... perhaps you have heard of it as it's a fairly old book written sometime in the 50's or 60's I think, however it's still a very popular book on emotional intelligence and influencing others... one of the key takeaways for me when I read it was that criticizing others is a sure way to make them dig their heels in and resist even more, while communicating on an emotional level and practicing empathy will enable people to be heard and therefore come to consensus.

 

Sharing your feelings about what happened vs. lecturing her is much more likely to work in terms of communicating your point of view... however for this to work, you also have to be willing to listen to and try to understand her and where she is coming from.

[Jibralta]

It doesn't sound like she has much of a shot when this is your attitude in general:

 

Then again, I am not oblivious to the fact that women do use tears to manipulate men... so I don't really know what to think.

 

And you seem predisposed to taking a parental role:

 

"If you actually care about me and respect me, you need to fix this punctuality problem. Disrespecting my time means disrespecting me. If your previous BFs tolerated this and you equate never confronting you with loving you and caring for you, then you are wrong, because it means enabling a bad habit, and having no self-respect."

 

You complain that your last girlfriend was too needy and too clingy. But that's what you're going to get if you treat women like children. Women who don't need to be parented won't put up with that treatment. It's not even worth an argument, they'll just move on.

[MirrorKnight]

Did you intend to come across as a parent? I am sure you didn't... but that's how it landed on everyone that read your message. It's okay that you don't agree, as you are entitled to your point of view... however I believe that we always have room for improvement in our lives and sometimes having others point out our blindspots is how we get there.

 

There is a book called "How to Win Friends and Influence People"... perhaps you have heard of it as it's a fairly old book written sometime in the 50's or 60's I think, however it's still a very popular book on emotional intelligence and influencing others... one of the key takeaways for me when I read it was that criticizing others is a sure way to make them dig their heels in and resist even more, while communicating on an emotional level and practicing empathy will enable people to be heard and therefore come to consensus.

 

Sharing your feelings about what happened vs. lecturing her is much more likely to work in terms of communicating your point of view... however for this to work, you also have to be willing to listen to and try to understand her and where she is coming from.

 

Thanks for your input.

 

You make a good point. I think I do come across rather condescending sometimes. It has been an issue not only in romance, but my social life in general. I am prone to try to reason with people with logic, facts and principles, when differences occur, but it can come across preachy and pontificating. I have been told to "don't be so serious" or "lighten up" on occasion. I have heard of that book and will check it out when I have the time to do so.

[MirrorKnight]

It doesn't sound like she has much of a shot when this is your attitude in general:

 

And you seem predisposed to taking a parental role:

 

You complain that your last girlfriend was too needy and too clingy. But that's what you're going to get if you treat women like children. Women who don't need to be parented won't put up with that treatment. It's not even worth an argument, they'll just move on.

 

I guess I approached the issue in a way that could have backfired, though on this occasion, it did not. But I do not feel I was out of line to express my thoughts regarding punctuality. I will try to be more mindful of my irritability in the future and approach things with a little more tact, but I will continue to be honest when I see things that bother me.

 

Also I should point out that, as always, communication on forums is not a perfect medium. I cannot explain everything without writing an absurdly long essay, and given the nature of an advice forum, I am naturally focusing on negatives or a particular part of a relationship. The vast majority of my interactions with Cathy are very good, whether it is in person or online.

 

In addition, she is very different to Jane, I have not just replaced one co-dependent woman with another, she has also scolded me on an occasion in a way that Jane never did, to express dissatisfaction when I shared a picture of her (to my parents) that she deemed inappropriate. It wasn't that bad, but she is from a more conservative background, so I apologized for being inconsiderate and we moved on from it and enjoyed the rest of our evening together.

 

My point is, I feel that we do have a relatively balanced relationship where we both feel able to express our thoughts. We have had mini-fights (in a way that Jane and I never did), but we have always communicated with maturity and moved on from them quickly and without further resentment.

 

When I wrote my original post, I was still processing a very fresh conflict. Now in hindsight, I feel much more positive about how things are going. Things are not perfect, but it never is. There are things I need to do better on, that is what self-development is for.

 

Thanks for everyone's input. Truly.

[DancingFool]

What strikes out at me is that you are very intent on the concept of "see it my way and understand that I'm right.", which is actually a form seeking validation from people around. Yes, it will affect you negatively socially as well as professionally. You have to learn to step back from that desire to prove and evaluate better if proving anything is worthwhile.

 

It goes back to what I said earlier. Dating is a time to evaluate if a person is a good match for you. Expressing frustration is OK. Wanting for the person to change or taking their behavior as a personal affront is not OK. You job is to look at the person as they are and ask yourself if you can get along with them and all their flaws without feeling angry, irritated, or otherwise desiring to change them. If the answer is no, then you don't lecture them, you simply call it a day on that relationship.

[abitbroken]

Thanks for your input.

 

You make a good point. I think I do come across rather condescending sometimes. It has been an issue not only in romance, but my social life in general. I am prone to try to reason with people with logic, facts and principles, when differences occur, but it can come across preachy and pontificating. I have been told to "don't be so serious" or "lighten up" on occasion. I have heard of that book and will check it out when I have the time to do so.

 

I won't argue that!

You feel you are the only one who is logical, forthright, principled etc., and the other person is "damaged" - it comes across in this post, the posts about Jane and occasionally in advice you give others. But if you are aware, you can attempt to temper this. The thing is, on emotional matters, there are other factors aside from cold facts. There are sometimes shades of gray.

 

I mean, if my guy's sister burst through the door crying and she is not a big crier, and he was late meeting me because he decided to be present and caring for her, i would think "i am glad he made sure she was okay" vs "oh he disrespected me." I might request he call me if he is going to be late, but its kinda hard to excuse yourself in those cases.

 

The next day (yesterday), I asked her if maybe my outburst bothered her, she said something like, "No, I knew that I was wrong, what you said was correct, I need to get rid of bad habits to improve."

 

 

When i was with my ex, this would be a typical response from me, even if he was indeed way over the line so as to avoid another outburst and i was always self blaming person at the time anyway which was my downfall - when there would be conflict if i told the truth.

 

Where you erred -- is that you should have APOLOGIZED to her for your outburst the next day instead of taking her temperature on it to see how harsh you are allowed to me. She could have said "all is already forgotten, don't worry about it" or could have felt safer sharing that it wasn't cool. Being apologetic when it is needed shows you are capable of evolving.

[Rose Mosse]

I think you're still upset with her and unsure whether she's capable of being more mature. That's why apologizing might not have crossed your mind. The maturity seems to be an issue. I'd date and enjoy my time with her but keep things lighthearted going forward. If she keeps inspiring distrust in you and you're not aligning in your thoughts/values (basic things), this might be more trouble than it's worth. It's not fair on either of you to keep seeing each other.

 

For the most part, it seems like things have blown over. If she is fed up with you too she'll eventually throw the towel in. Enjoy each others' company and have fun.

[Jibralta]

But I do not feel I was out of line to express my thoughts regarding punctuality. I will try to be more mindful of my irritability in the future and approach things with a little more tact, but I will continue to be honest when I see things that bother me.

 

You're not out of line for being irritated or for expressing your thoughts and feelings. But I think you should pay attention to your disposition. There is a marked difference between a conversation and a lecture (or scolding).

 

Instead of saying, "I don't like that. I don't want to be stuck waiting around for you, etc" you gave her a lesson on punctuality and respect, as if you were more of an authority on the matter than she was.

 

I happen to agree with your position on the matter and I think the lateness could be a real concern. However, my point is that your tendency to condescend to others will undermine your relationship goals.

 

Also:

 

I have not just replaced one co-dependent woman with another

 

Just FYI about this commonly misunderstood term: The caretaker is the codependent one, not the person who is receiving the care. In other words, if you were spending an inordinate amount of time solving Jane's problems for her, you were the one exhibiting codependency (by enabling her immaturity).