2cool4skl Posted November 4, 2019 Share Posted November 4, 2019 I've been seeing my partner for two years now. Over the years I've tried to get her to tell her parents about us. But she's been scared too I'm white British and she's British Asian. Our situation is very complicated to say the least. I've two children from previous who I have weekly and take care of and a good dad We have recently found out she's pregnant before marriage obviously this is a big thing in Asian culture. I'm wanting to stand by her and make this work I've tryed my hardest and I'm scared of the outcome because this should be a happy time not one of so much stress and heartache Link to comment
j.man Posted November 4, 2019 Share Posted November 4, 2019 I mean ultimately it's gonna fall on your wife as to how well she handles her family and any theoretical fallout. Assuming you're giving her your due support, what's your biggest concern here? Link to comment
2cool4skl Posted November 4, 2019 Author Share Posted November 4, 2019 We are not married planning this now and that her family will disown her or what they could even do. They don't even know about us or being pregnant Link to comment
j.man Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 We are not married planning this now and that her family will disown her or what they could even do. They don't even know about us or being pregnantHer family doesn't even know you exist, much less that you're the father of her future kid? Brother, you're gonna have to have a couple dozen talks with her and come back to us with the results for any actionable input. Link to comment
2cool4skl Posted November 5, 2019 Author Share Posted November 5, 2019 All we have done is talk by the end of the month she has to come clean and tell them as she is 3 months pregnant now but she's living in fear over this about what she would lose if they cut her off Link to comment
abitbroken Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 We are not married planning this now and that her family will disown her or what they could even do. They don't even know about us or being pregnant Well, you missed the boat on setting a boundary on not dating unless you are known about. But there are conservative families where a boyfirend is not introduced until he is going to ask for her hand in marriage. Is she someone you thought about marrying? then introduce yourself to her parents and state your intent. But the two of you are adults and are together -- so there's that Link to comment
abitbroken Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 All we have done is talk by the end of the month she has to come clean and tell them as she is 3 months pregnant now but she's living in fear over this about what she would lose if they cut her off She as to talk to them by the end of the month as an ultimatum from you...or what? What about you --- what are YOU prepared to do. So if she tells her family - you are going to say "yay i am known about" or are you going to marry her? Or do you want none of that? If you do not want her as your wife you need to tell her before she tells her parents because then she could decide to leave you and go back with her parents if you have no intent on having her back. If she tells her parents and they disown her, will you step up to the plate? If she tells her parents and they do not disown her, will you step up to the plate? Link to comment
2cool4skl Posted November 5, 2019 Author Share Posted November 5, 2019 I've stepped up the whole time I've been someone's secret and stood by her and that's a hard thing to do. Yeah I'm willing to get married. Think it's more what she's willing to do to have this baby. But then I also think having a baby shouldn't be the only reason that marriage should be brought into it I'd marry because of love and that she wants to be my wife Link to comment
Cherylyn Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 We are not married planning this now and that her family will disown her or what they could even do. They don't even know about us or being pregnant They'll find out eventually sooner or later. You might as well persuade her to tell them now. No sense keeping this a secret. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 I'm going to be somewhat blunt. You both screwed up royally. And now she's at 3 months, looks fairly certain abortion is off the table. Marriage would be compounding the mistakes already made. This isn't a relationship with a solid foundation, it's built on secrecy and lies. She isn't your responsibility, don't make her yours. Your child are your responsibility. I hope you make good money and have a lawyer. You are looking at child support for this child now. Don't be foolhardy and bet on a happily ever after with her. She has shown you who she is. She's fine with lying and hiding to get what it is she wants. Don't think she wouldn't, hasn't, done it to you. I'd take a hands off approach with how she chooses to deal with her family and life now. Fact is, you don't have a say and never did. Just take steps to protect yourself and your kids. When the baby is born, establish paternity right away. Nail down your rights to your child, if it is yours. You don't have reason to trust her. If you married her, you put your other children's welfare on the line , not only you. Not romantic but it's not a romantic situation. Be smart. Link to comment
Clio Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 As you yourself realise, getting pregnant before marriage is frowned upon in the Asian culture. Her family will probably face a lot of shaming from their community if it gets out. How conservative are they? I remember reading about honour killings in the UK a few years back. Could she be in danger? There are helplines in the UK that might be able to provide support for these kinds of situations. Has she decided to keep the baby? Do you intend to marry her? If yes, getting married before the pregnancy shows might help take the edge off of her community's outcry. Either way, if you are willing to stand by her, being disowned will be tough but not the end of the world. Just make sure that she stays safe... There is also the scenario of trapping you into marriage. Only you know her enough to judge whether that's a possibility. However, I doubt that she is lying about her culture. Lying due to societal pressure is bad but I wouldn't judge women coming from such conservative cultures as harshly because in certain cases it can be about life and death. It was reckless of you to enter such a situation in the first place but that's history now. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 If you married her, you put your other children's welfare on the line , not only you. Not romantic but it's not a romantic situation. Be smart. How? he has to provide for his kids whether he marries her or not... Link to comment
Billie28 Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 But then I also think having a baby shouldn't be the only reason that marriage should be brought into it I'd marry because of love and that she wants to be my wife So marry her out of love for her and not because of the baby. The baby is coming whether you marry her or not , so that’s not deciding factor as to whether to marry , or is it??? Are you suggesting that she would not marry you if she were not pregnant? She certainly does sound more concerned about losing her inheritance than anything else? Link to comment
smackie9 Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 She’s an adult, so she needs to suck it up and her parents too. Sure they will be upset but they will soften up for their grandchild. Let her deal with it and just be supportive. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 How? he has to provide for his kids whether he marries her or not... If he marries her he may end up providing for her on top of providing for the children. He's stated she fears being cut off by them. They both fear what they may do. This suggests to me a woman who is not self sufficient, and is looking for someone - be it her family or a husband - to take care of her. She hasn't shown a willingness to stand on her in her decisions. If he pours time, resources, money into caring for her, that's less going towards his children. She's an adult too, who has a responsibility towards providing stability and resources too, but she's not in a position to do so. If he marries her, her family would likely see it as his job to do that for her now. So it would be better to let her live with the concequences of her decision to rely on her family so heavily. Allow them to carry some part of that load, rather than take it on himself. And that's what I mean by protecting himself and his kids futures. If she drains him, she drains those kids too. They didn't get a say in this situation. They deserve some boundaries and protection from this mess. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 What happens if she doesn't tell them by the end of the month, OP? What's your plan of action? It's not like she can keep a pregnancy a secret forever. They're going to notice her midsection is growing. Are you worried she will try to cut you off to please her family? That they will try to force her to place the baby for adoption? Or? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 Was she scheduled for an arranged marriage? Will this be her way out of that?I've been seeing my partner for two years now. Over the years I've tried to get her to tell her parents about us. But she's been scared too I'm white British and she's British Asian. We have recently found out she's pregnant before marriage obviously this is a big thing in Asian culture. Link to comment
2cool4skl Posted November 5, 2019 Author Share Posted November 5, 2019 No she wasn't but I know that her parents would want her to settle with a asian man. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 Ok then she is rebelling and getting pregnant may be her only way of getting out of this and having her parents (albeit reluctantly) stop expecting her to marry traditionally.No she wasn't but I know that her parents would want her to settle with a asian man. Link to comment
2cool4skl Posted November 5, 2019 Author Share Posted November 5, 2019 I got engaged to her last year but she couldn't bring this out into the open or wear the ring now this has happened she is backed into a corner by their ways saying this is the only way they would accept this due to shame in their community Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 Ok there you have it. Her traditions are so restrictive, this was her only option to be with you. You are both in for an uphill climb, unless she is willing to be a bit more independent. How does your family view all this? now this has happened she is backed into a corner by their ways saying this is the only way they would accept this due to shame in their community Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 A few stories, my entire life, my mom only want me to marry a Chinese guy. And told me how different colored eyes would be weird. Now, I'm married to a big white guy for over 8 years with bi-racial kids with one with green eyes, and my folks are overjoyed. I think you need to go meet them, introduce yourself, and show them how much you love her. Before that though, have her go over customs that you must show! When you go over, either take them all out to dinner (siblings included), or bring them gifts like oranges, chocolates, etc. My buddy dated this one guy for years, and never told her parents. In fact she made up a roommate that lived with her. And the guy was her friend. One day her "roommate" moved out, and the guy moved in as a roommate. All the while the parents meeting the guy for many things, and came to really like him. Then one day, she said they started dating, and the parents were very happy. They are married with kids. One of my mom's friend's daughter married a black guy, and they family hated this!!! The mom gets super sick one day, and the husband took care of her. Now, she loves, loves, loves, her son-in-law. My point to my stories, in Chinese culture, you don't want to bring shame or disappoint your parents...but love is love. Parents ultimately want their kids happy, and happily MARRIED. So it may be scary for her, but the truth will set her free, and the parents will come around. If you two have a boy, they will be thrilled. Good luck!! Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 The issue isn't her culture though. The issue is you chose someone who would keep you a dirty secret. I'm genuinely curious why you would settle for that. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 So she's scheduled for a traditional Indian arranged marriage and this is her desperate way to escape that? Clearly although you were engaged, you did not plan this jointly?I'm white British and she's British Asian. We have recently found out she's pregnant before marriage obviously this is a big thing in Asian culture. Link to comment
2cool4skl Posted November 5, 2019 Author Share Posted November 5, 2019 Thanks for the advise Link to comment
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