Boyfriend and cocaine

[Wiseman2]

My advice remains the same: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=560157&p=7135827&viewfull=1#post7135827

This year he's been doing cocaine, mdma, g, and speed, because...................

[DancingFool]

Moon, if you are still around, here is some constructive what to do:

 

1) You have to admit to yourself that this guy is actually an addict

 

2) Look up some al anon meetings for families of addicts and go to them and get properly educated what addiction is and isn't and also what you should and shouldn't be doing.

 

3) Use above resources and support to start coming to terms that you cannot save someone who is addicted and this is the hardest part for everyone. People will go to great lengths to try and help, save, fix a loved one, but in reality they end up enabling rather than fixing. Fixing means leaving them to face consequences. If he is not that far gone yet, then consequences might just work in turning him around. Unfortunately, he might be further down the rabbit hole than you want to believe and he'll not only never turn around, but sink to the very bottom. What you and others dealing with addicts have to face is that it is completely his choice and something you do not control. No amount of talking, begging, pleading or even forcing them into rehab works unless the addict decides they seriously want out, not just "should because of social pressure" but determined for their own sake. People who actually want to quit, quit but it's never in your control, OP, it's their personal choice.

 

4) Yes, leaving and moving out no doubt is hard, but you need to start looking and get serious about that. There are roommates, co-workers, etc. It takes time, so start looking because things are going to get bad and then worse and worse and you do not want to be in a situation where you can't get out.

[catfeeder]

He isn't at a point where he's selling my stuff. I think he can still save himself if I know how to handle this properly...

 

Naah. You're deluding yourself. The best incentive you can offer him to save himself is to walk away. Attend some AlaNon meetings to learn WHY.

[abitbroken]

See this is where I get annoyed. I have taken plenty of action. I can't just move out... people can't afford to live by themselves these days. Easier said than done. I've been with him for 6 ing years, and people don't think I'm not emotionally invested? He's my best friend! I'm stuck in a ty situation that I'm trying to handle, not walk away from. I'm so saddened that my best friend has become addicted to cocaine and I'm not ready to just leave him, whether it hurts me or not. I can't believe how insensible some people can be. I'm looking for support not someone to ridicule me for "not taking action".

 

My last post I was explaining that his cat is sick and needs to be taken to a vet, and half the people blamed me for not taking the cat to the vet! I was not in a situation where I could have done so, otherwise I would have loved to take the poor cat to the vet, but nope I'm a monster and it's all my fault, and my situation has nothing to do with the health of the cat apparently.

 

Can I please just get some sensible answers to my questions? How do I handle a situation like this? And what are the signs that he is too far gone? (So then I can start thinking about leaving in case I have to).

 

If you cannot affford to live alone that is fine. At one point in my life i lived with two other young ladies. At another point with extended family. its not A) live with an addict B) live on the streets. My friend is an actress living with 3 other ladies and when someone else from their old college comes to town, they allow them to stay until they find their footing and split the rent accordingly.

 

You were not being blamed about not taking care of the cat, but blamed by expecting him to rise to the occasision and naturally do the right thing on his own.

 

Of course you are emotionally invested. But there is a point where living with someone is harming you emotionally physically or mentally.

 

None of us can say "how far gone he is" but what we can say is that he chooses his addiction and lifestyle over you. You say he doesn't sell your things, but there will be a time that comes where he has no money for his share of the bills, or is MIA when its time to pay them, etc.

 

What sensible answer would you like? The signs of addiction are already there in plain view. The only way we can say he is "too far gone" is when he overdoses and dies. In the meantime, when are you going to look out for yourself, not be the victim in this that just has to 'take it"?

[1a1a]

If nothing changes how long will you stay? Two weeks? 6 months? A year? 10? Are panic attacks, playing the intoxication police and being third fiddle to drugs and work all things you want in a romantic relationship?

 

If he doesn’t want to change maybe what you learn about this person is that his priorities are different to yours and ultimately not compatible. Like working day and night, I’m in your industry, work life balance is important to me, I don’t take on so much work that I lose that balance. It’s important to you, you missed him when he was less available. When you flag his absence and he knows how it’s making you feel, and his actions don’t change, that’s a strong indicator he doesn’t share your priorities.

[Wiseman2]

Are both of you using? You would both be able to afford things if you both stopped the drugs. But at some level you realize this yet don't know what to do about it..

I've been with him for 6 years, and we've lived together for 3. We are both in the entertainment industry. This year he's been doing cocaine, mdma, g, and speed.

[abitbroken]

Him coming home to you is not a "Step" - it simply a night where he didn't have any other place to go. That is not a step. I knew a woman who started using drugs because if she did, her husband would stay home and do drugs with her and not be out who knows where. How well did it go? She lost some of her teeth? a couple of the kids were placed in foster care. She got clean, divorced him, got her kids back but her now-teenagers are very defiant, untrusting and feel betrayed. She does not see her ex and neither do the kids, but it was the best thing for them to leave. i fear that you will be down this road minus the kids unless you leave. Getting clean his his decision and choice and he is not willing to do that.

[greendots]

Dear Moon13: I am just going to share some real stories about people I know that have been in situations somewhat similar to yours, hoping it helps you.

 

I remember this one bloke who was severely into drugs. His family and friends tried desperately to help him. He seemed unwilling to overcome addiction at the time, so all they received in return were empty promises, deception and plenty of heartaches (putting it mildly, very mildly as a matter of fact).

 

I recall this other bloke who genuinely tried to overcome his addiction. Honestly a nice guy who was willing to try, but who unfortunately failed so many times trying. Oh boy, what he put others through when he was consuming!

 

I also knew someone who dated a "casual" consumer of drugs that led to the initial stages of abuse. Fortunately said person managed to swiftly remove themselves from the situation and came through the peril mostly unscathed.

 

I am concerned that you are in a very unstable environment right now and there is potential for you to really get hurt, in every sense of the word. My recommendation is for you to get out now. Addiction is so complex. I cannot even fathom what it takes to overcome it. However, I do know this: your safety is very important, your health is very important, you matter.