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Hi all it’s been a while since I have been on I won’t lie. I was in asking advice maybe about three months ago regarding getting back together with my wife. Anyway long story short I did but somethings are different/wrong/uncomfortable.

 

We got back together but one thing she said to me was that she didn’t have any interest in having sex or anything sexual. After a long discussion she then said she did have an interest but just needed time (ok I’ll admit I didn’t get why) anyway I was alright with this as I love her to bits. So maybe about six weeks later she decided that she wanted to have sex which I was pleased about. When we did it was the most unlovable sex I have ever had with her but I said ok she is obviously dealing with something and doesn’t want me to be involved (yes I tried to be but she wouldn’t let me). Anyway maybe two and a bit weeks went past before we had any kind of intimacy again but again she initiated this. Well it turned out all we done was got each other off by using our hands. Again I was fine with this.

 

Ok so now she went a bit funny on me and I asked her what was wrong, I was told that she didn’t want to have any kind of sex or intimacy and she felt rushed even though it was her decision which I told her but she replied with she was just trying to make me happy.

 

I am now unsure what is going on as we are back to no sex not even a cuddle or kiss has to be had. I have tried till I’m blue in the face to help or even get a reason but she just won’t open up to me about what’s going on.

 

My wife has never really been keen on sex but we have been together for 20 odd years and it’s never been a no go issue. She has also always been very prodey about sex, won’t talk about it, won’t watch it on tv finds any joke involving it unfunny and she definitely doesn’t masterbate. if this makes sense.

 

I on the other hand love sex and always have. I love making love to my wife as it makes me feel like we are more connected.

This is the problem I’m having, I can’t not have sex and it’s killing me that this is happening and I feel I’m being very selfish but I can’t help it. I’m seriously frustrated and even the site of my wife is driving me crazy knowing I can’t even touch her.

 

I hope I have explained myself without sounding like a proper idiot but I have so much to say and can’t type it all down.

 

Am I wrong? What should I do?

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You need to give her some time. It takes a toll emotionally to break up and get back together. For women, often the emotional needs to be healed and sex will follow. Work on creating emotional intimacy. Talk about your feelings NOT regarding no sex but other feelings. If all you talk about is "Whats bothering you??" it feels confrontational. what about taking a day trip or doing things that you used to like to do together?

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What was difficult to understand was why you participated in escalating the first issue in your post #1 in the older thread (not this one). Why did you move out or leave the family home if you didn't do anything wrong? Surely you couldn't have been that accommodating or gullible as to leave just because your spouse asks you to leave and why would she ask you to leave in the first place? For someone "prodey" and not prone to over-excitement, her request for you to physically leave at any time seems a bit dramatic. What would cause her to do that? I understand you said you regretted it afterwards and this was painful for you. Please note I'm asking to try and understand where all this is stemming from. Did either of you revisit this first instance (first indication of marital break down) and talk about the cause of the moving or dysfunction?

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I’ll be honest. She has no interest in hearing about my feeling and she has made this clear in the past. I don’t mean this of her in a bad way she just said that’s not the kind of people we are.

I have arranged stuff to do, run away in the car for a while as we used to love something so simple but she just found it boring. The other night we went out to the movies and ended up leaving 30 minutes into the film because she got angry over nothing to which I got the blame of.

I am more than willing to give time and I told her this from the start, as I said she was the one who brought the subject up about us having sex again only to shot me back down.

 

This may sound stupid but I am starting to feel very hurt by all this and not sure I actually want to be involved with my wife in this way again. Some of the things she has said about our sex life has made me feel very deflated.

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I’ll be honest. She has no interest in hearing about my feeling and she has made this clear in the past. I don’t mean this of her in a bad way she just said that’s not the kind of people we are.

I have arranged stuff to do, run away in the car for a while as we used to love something so simple but she just found it boring. The other night we went out to the movies and ended up leaving 30 minutes into the film because she got angry over nothing to which I got the blame of.

I am more than willing to give time and I told her this from the start, as I said she was the one who brought the subject up about us having sex again only to shot me back down.

 

This may sound stupid but I am starting to feel very hurt by all this and not sure I actually want to be involved with my wife in this way again. Some of the things she has said about our sex life has made me feel very deflated.

 

Then stop trying for a little bit. just go about your day and stop trying to win her over. Whatever you did - it will take time for her to heal from that. if she doesn't treat you any differently in a year, then consider leaving. Have you gone to personal counseling>

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What was difficult to understand was why you participated in escalating the first issue in your post #1 in the older thread (not this one). Why did you move out or leave the family home if you didn't do anything wrong? Surely you couldn't have been that accommodating or gullible as to leave just because your spouse asks you to leave and why would she ask you to leave in the first place? For someone "prodey" and not prone to over-excitement, her request for you to physically leave at any time seems a bit dramatic. What would cause her to do that? I understand you said you regretted it afterwards and this was painful for you. Please note I'm asking to try and understand where all this is stemming from. Did either of you revisit this first instance (first indication of marital break down) and talk about the cause of the moving or dysfunction?

 

Unfortunately I was that gullible to leave as I thought I was doing the correct thing. I personally hadn’t done anything wrong, we were both having silly arguments and I had just had enough. No excuses but I had not long started a new job and the shifts were knocking the life out me and making me. My head and mind was all over the place and the breakup just made it 100 times worse.

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In either of these post do you explain what led to breakdown to begin with. That might help explain why your wife feels so disconnected to you and without that connection she doesn't feel sexually motivated.

 

Nature is a little unfair at times. Men often need sex to feel connected, while women need to be connected to feel sexual.

 

Have you two been to marriage counseling?

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Unfortunately I was that gullible to leave as I thought I was doing the correct thing. I personally hadn’t done anything wrong, we were both having silly arguments and I had just had enough. No excuses but I had not long started a new job and the shifts were knocking the life out me and making me. My head and mind was all over the place and the breakup just made it 100 times worse.

 

This is a start. New jobs take time to adjust to. You should never be ashamed of your job or shift work especially if it means paying the bills and ensuring your family and you get to eat. If the issues were financial in any way, don't be afraid to engage with someone who can help with sorting any difficulties or planning ahead especially when it comes to paying down debt and securing your assets from further risk. Her aversion to sex is bizarre and we may break it down into either/or/both: 1) physical discomfort severe enough to cause her to avoid sex or 2) psychological issues regarding sex or physical intimacy.

 

You're not her GP or her psychologist so I'd refrain from working out why her reactions are this way. It appears that she's shot down or refused counselling or marriage counselling. She may be inadvertently or purposely controlling you. You need to decide whether this relationship is fulfilling enough for you going forward and create better/healthier ways of managing your expectations if you choose to stay.

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In either of these post do you explain what led to breakdown to begin with. That might help explain why your wife feels so disconnected to you and without that connection she doesn't feel sexually motivated.

 

Nature is a little unfair at times. Men often need sex to feel connected, while women need to be connected to feel sexual.

 

Have you two been to marriage counseling?

 

That’s because neither of us actually know. It was a build up of things. Silly things that should never had erupted into what it did. We could have talked it out better and we both agree but as I mentioned above I had just started a new job with a totally different shift pattern than I had ever worked in my life. It was destroying me trying to adjust so my mind and body was a train wreck trying to adjust.

 

She wasn’t interested in counselling as I did arrange this and had to cancel.

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This is a start. New jobs take time to adjust to. You should never be ashamed of your job or shift work especially if it means paying the bills and ensuring your family and you get to eat. If the issues were financial in any way, don't be afraid to engage with someone who can help with sorting any difficulties or planning ahead especially when it comes to paying down debt and securing your assets from further risk. Her aversion to sex is bizarre and we may break it down into either/or/both: 1) physical discomfort severe enough to cause her to avoid sex or 2) psychological issues regarding sex or physical intimacy.

 

You're not her GP or her psychologist so I'd refrain from working out why her reactions are this way. It appears that she's shot down or refused counselling or marriage counselling. She may be inadvertently or purposely controlling you. You need to decide whether this relationship is fulfilling enough for you going forward and create better/healthier ways of managing your expectations if you choose to stay.

 

Thank you, it does take time to adjust and is now only starting to feel normal after 9 months working there. This is something I don’t think my wife understood, that it was knocking the crap out me trying to work the new hours. I only took the job to try help us have a little more money but I’m not here to bash anybody.

 

My main worry is the fact that my wife has always acted so strangely towards sex and anything related to it. I can’t talk about it she can’t watch it on tv it very strange but she has been known to have her moments in the bedroom.

I am just worried that the fact she has had this strange attitude towards it has it finally came to an end for her as she won’t tell me. I might be selfish but surely she knows why?

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I’m not here to bash on my wife and her feelings I’m just trying to get some understanding or answers.

 

I guess I’m asking other women is this normal behaviour, has anybody/does anybody act like this towards sex and intimacy?

 

I’m worried that my wife’s strange behaviour over the years regarding anything sexual has now came to an end and it’s all over for her as she won’t tell or give me a reason,,,,,,should she be able too??

 

I’m also worried her behaviour may rub off onto our daughter and I really don’t want this and neither does my wife as she has said so much but how can she avoid this if she can’t change.

 

Sorry I’m just looking to understand so I know where my head should be at here.

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I’m not here to bash on my wife and her feelings I’m just trying to get some understanding or answers.

 

I guess I’m asking other women is this normal behaviour, has anybody/does anybody act like this towards sex and intimacy?

 

I’m worried that my wife’s strange behaviour over the years regarding anything sexual has now came to an end and it’s all over for her as she won’t tell or give me a reason,,,,,,should she be able too??

 

I’m also worried her behaviour may rub off onto our daughter and I really don’t want this and neither does my wife as she has said so much but how can she avoid this if she can’t change.

 

Sorry I’m just looking to understand so I know where my head should be at here.

 

I think it's strange that you're asking these questions now, 20 years after all the toothpaste fell out of the tube, and I feel like you are baiting the crowd to come up with answers that aren't appropriate given the limited facts or any insight into the dynamics about why this has all come about. Your wife seems immovable in her decision to seek answers so you pushing for answers regarding her situation is really quite useless or moot. A person has to want to uncover those answers for themselves. You should be doing the detective work for yourself but not to the extent that you're that person's responsibility to fix. In other words, it's not your job to fix her. She has to want that for herself.

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She's always been like this, so you certainly shouldn't be surprised.

 

You reconciled with her knowing this. Did you expect her to suddenly "change"?

 

She obviously hasn’t always been like the way she is just now. As I said above I’m looking to see if anybody else has had a similar issue.

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I think it's strange that you're asking these questions now, 20 years after all the toothpaste fell out of the tube, and I feel like you are baiting the crowd to come up with answers that aren't appropriate given the limited facts or any insight into the dynamics about why this has all come about. Your wife seems immovable in her decision to seek answers so you pushing for answers regarding her situation is really quite useless or moot. A person has to want to uncover those answers for themselves. You should be doing the detective work for yourself but not to the extent that you're that person's responsibility to fix. In other words, it's not your job to fix her. She has to want that for herself.

 

I’m totally not baiting anybody I’m just looking to see if anybody has a similar experience that’s all.

It’s a hard situation to try and explain over a keyboard.

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She obviously hasn’t always been like the way she is just now. As I said above I’m looking to see if anybody else has had a similar issue.

 

You said this:

"My main worry is the fact that my wife has always acted so strangely towards sex and anything related to it."

 

Now you're saying she hasn't always been like this? I'm confused.

 

There are others who find sex and anything related to it abhorrent. I used to work with a woman who found sex revolting. She also found women's periods absolutely disgusting. However, she had been raped so it made sense.

 

Was your wife the victim of a sex crime?

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I’m totally not baiting anybody I’m just looking to see if anybody has a similar experience that’s all.

It’s a hard situation to try and explain over a keyboard.

 

Timeout74, i haven't read any of your other threads but this one so i don't have a clear view of what's all transpired. however, based on your need to see if anyone else has been through this i wanted to respond.

 

my husband and i are in a failing marriage currently but one thing that is not a problem is intimacy. in fact, it makes things difficult because we are so drawn to one another. he's the one who is considering ending the marriage, not me. still i struggle to turn him down when he wants sex because we both enjoy each other so much. we have an unbelievable connection when we have sex.

 

in fact, it's probably our one major positive of our marriage. just this weekend he said he never wanted to stop having sex with me because it makes him feel closer to me. i wasn't sure what to think of that since he's the one considering ending our marriage.

 

have you and your wife ever had any strong chemistry physically?

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You said this:

"My main worry is the fact that my wife has always acted so strangely towards sex and anything related to it."

 

Now you're saying she hasn't always been like this? I'm confused.

 

There are others who find sex and anything related to it abhorrent. I used to work with a woman who found sex revolting. She also found women's periods absolutely disgusting. However, she had been raped so it made sense.

 

Was your wife the victim of a sex crime?

 

Sorry I’m finding it hard to explain the full situation. My wife has always been funny about sex but it was in a way that I could live with but the way she is at the moment and has been the past 7/8 months is not her usual self about the situation.

 

She hasn’t been a victim of a sex crime though. Thanks.

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Timeout74, i haven't read any of your other threads but this one so i don't have a clear view of what's all transpired. however, based on your need to see if anyone else has been through this i wanted to respond.

 

my husband and i are in a failing marriage currently but one thing that is not a problem is intimacy. in fact, it makes things difficult because we are so drawn to one another. he's the one who is considering ending the marriage, not me. still i struggle to turn him down when he wants sex because we both enjoy each other so much. we have an unbelievable connection when we have sex.

 

in fact, it's probably our one major positive of our marriage. just this weekend he said he never wanted to stop having sex with me because it makes him feel closer to me. i wasn't sure what to think of that since he's the one considering ending our marriage.

 

have you and your wife ever had any strong chemistry physically?

 

I’m truly sorry to hear your marriage is breaking down as I can say I know a little how that feels. It tears your world apart.

 

It’s strange he wants to end things when you have this connection in my mind. I may be weird but it’s the a thing I feel makes me feel connected and loved not the only thing but it’s a big part for me.

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It’s strange he wants to end things when you have this connection in my mind. I may be weird but it’s the a thing I feel makes me feel connected and loved not the only thing but it’s a big part for me.

 

i don't think you're weird. my husband says his number one thing is sex. it's how he feels connected and loved by a woman. i think it's a very common thing.

 

yea it sucks. i'm sure he worries if he will find the connection we have in the bedroom with someone new. i know it's something i worry about all the time. if our marriage doesn't get a miracle and ends, i will absolutely miss having sex with him! shoot it might keep me up at night thinking about it.

 

how have you been able to live with your wife like this for most of your marriage? i know you said it's really bad now but it seems like sex was never her thing. and if you're such a physical person, how have you been able to manage for so long? maybe she's not comfortable with her body? sex is such a vulnerable thing

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I’m totally not baiting anybody I’m just looking to see if anybody has a similar experience that’s all.

It’s a hard situation to try and explain over a keyboard.

 

During the breakdown of my marriage, I didn't want to have sex with my husband. Much like yours, we didn't communicate, issues that were between us went unresolved. I had visual, for every unresolved misunderstanding there was brick that was added to the already insurmountable wall that stood between us. If that wall had a name, it's name was resentment.

 

Instead of working on an emotional, intimate relationship that would have otherwise cultivated a loving connection, that would lead to wanting to have sex, my ex felt entitled to having sex. There is nothing more that could turn me off than an entitled attitude about it.

 

My guess is she doesn't have an issue with sex. I am sorry but she might have an issue with having sex with you.

 

My ex wouldn't go to counseling, so I did. After all, it was my problem (I was told) At some point he changed his mind, went a couple times and when he realized he/we might have to make some changes in how we interacted as a couple, which would require compromise, honestly and transparency, he didn't want to go therapy and he wanted me to stop. (I didn't)

 

I am trying to not project my situation on to yours, but what I do know for sure is there is no possible way to feel intimately connected as a couple unless the two of you forensically unfold all these things that you won't or can't talk about. You can't have it both ways.

 

Go to counseling alone if she won't go.

Do something, do something different because what you are currently doing isn't working.

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I need to ask from a females point of view and ok I may be a bit late but I’ve never had to deal with this before.

 

If my wife won’t tell me or give me any clue to what’s going on what would cause her to act like this. I really want to get us past this and I certainly don’t want to loose my wife.

 

Somebody mentioned above to leave it a while which I am doing but when they mentioned a year I’m sorry but I couldn’t deal with this for a year. I find my wife very attractive and just want to love her the best I can but I can’t have a no sex marriage.

 

Try and help me understand why she might be acting this way towards me and sex as I really don’t feel like I warrant this kind of treatment, that’s not such a guy comment I just need some pointers as to what’s maybe going on.

 

I am a nice guy, I always do my best to make her happy and do nice things for her. I make her tea and breakfast, I do all the housework and I mean all. Clean the house, do all the clothes washings, do the dishes, I take care of the animals in the house, I do all the cooking as well as home repairs and home improvements. Now you people don’t know me from Adam but I’m being totally honest.

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When my marriage was falling apart, I was repulsed by the idea of sex with my husband. We were incredibly disconnected on a fundamental mental/emotional level. When he and I would break down and have a real heart to heart, usually one that ended with us saying we thought our marriage was over, I'd suddenly feel so much closer to him... Probably because we were speaking our truths and completely honest with each other--even if the honesty was that we were deeply unhappy and didn't want to stay together.

 

The ironic thing is, then our sex life would improve and we'd have a little honeymoon period for a few months in which things felt good again and we'd be "happy" until our resentments would start to quietly build up and our communication would break down and the sex would dwindle. He'd push for sex and I'd push for truthful connection and communication, and the cycle would repeat until we were finally so exhausted, we ended it.

 

When our marriage ended, I thought I'd be fine if I never had sex again. I thought I didn't care about it at all. I was wrong. Our failed sex life has everything to do with our failed emotional life. We lost trust, respect, and transparency through the years. As those slipped away, so did the desire (for me) for sex. I always felt baffled by his desire for me when I felt so repulsed. I think it's because I couldn't fathom having sex with someone I felt so distant from. And the idea that he still wanted sex seemed like he just wanted a warm body (not necessarily me) to get his rocks off. I'll never know. We never truly resolved it, except to realize we were profoundly unhappy together. I wish I had a better answer.

 

But, I guarantee you she feels unsafe in your marriage and completely emotionally disconnected from you and your continued desire for sex is just pushing her farther away. My advice is to try to understand her frustrations, her fears, her hopes, her dreams, and also tell her those things about yourself. Be honest. Face the fact that your relationship might be too far gone. Maybe you two need to free each other or maybe truly connecting emotionally will open up other avenues of closeness.

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