Small, ridiculous problem with a larger underlying issue- Help?

[SooSad33]

No, I agree... He should not have reacted in such a manner. I would also be fearful.

You should NOT feel such guilt about the issue or his reaction- but you do.... Not good.

I don’t know. I feel confused and slightly crazy and totally ridiculous about this situation. I want to give him the space to feel whatever he wants, it’s reasonable for him to be upset over a messed up order and I should’ve just corrected it when I got the first cappuccino and realized it was wrong,

 

Yes, of course he needs space to 'vent' his frustrations, but they should not seem so overly hostile.

And do NOT feel guilt cause you got his order mixed up.

 

someone who's setting you off like he is, I feel is gonna continue to just be a problem for you...

 

Manage YOUR feelings better? No, it's him in this case.... See what it;s doing to you? YOu are now overly cautious, and with fears.

 

What's best for you? Think on that... cause you dont want to end up worse nor should you - feel such guilt etc.

Respect... understanding... working together... communication.. Many things to work in a relationship.

[catfeeder]

In my professional life I am in control and very high performing- people respect me and know not to push me around. I don’t know why I have trouble applying the same energy to my personal relationships.

 

Good observation! I'd question why an expectation of respect from professional colleagues--and probably even neighbors and strangers in public--would come so naturally even while the same expectation would not apply to a potential lover or someone who claims to love you?

 

What kind of family dynamic taught you that love and disrespect are somehow related? Where did you pick up the message that familiarity breeds contempt, and that an erosion of respect is something you 'should' tolerate in order to keep a relationship?

[tattoobunnie]

My husband would have just drank whatever I got him.

 

And, he could have gotten his own darn coffee for you both. If my hubs ever ridiculed me like the way your guy does, I would have poured it down the drain in front of him, or drank it, and told him to get his own coffee. Abusers will do things one by one until you always think it's always your fault.

[loyal]

What was his exact reaction? Was he threatening? Was he frustrated? Was his reaction something that you misunderstood? Of course he was disappointed: people like their coffee a certain way and his was wrong. Perhaps that was simply his reaction? If you are having a bad day, sometimes the smallest things can seem huge!

 

Did he blame you for the mistake? Did he ask you to get another coffee?

 

You can't let him make you feel bad about small things, but you are correct that you need to let him be upset sometimes. If you get anxious and cry every time he is upset, I don't doubt that it is quite annoying to him and probably makes him feel like a total jerk. When you came back, he tried to talk to you about it. It sounds like the situation just spiraled out of control.

 

If you don't want to pay for things, don't. If you want him to be appreciative, tell him. But allow him to be heard.

 

I'm by no means excusing his behavior. Nor am I excusing yours. Perhaps you need to deal with your own issues before you venture into a relationship so that you can avoid this type of situation.

[abitbroken]

I appreciate everyone’s advice and perspectives. His reaction yesterday pinged alarm bells in me but I have so much trouble trusting my gut in relationships so hearing all of your responses was helpful. I think I need to see a therapist or something to figure out why I’m seeking these sorts of relationships and how to stop. In my professional life I am in control and very high performing- people respect me and know not to push me around. I don’t know why I have trouble applying the same energy to my personal relationships.

 

My cousin makes 6 figures and speaks four languages - 3 fluently, one she can get by with general daily life stuff but nothing too technical. She was passed up an amazing man because she didn't feel fireworks the one time he kissed her, but lived with an abusive jerk, later married a smooth talking scammer, divorced him, etc...

[reinventmyself]

My husband would have just drank whatever I got him.

 

And, he could have gotten his own darn coffee for you both. If my hubs ever ridiculed me like the way your guy does, I would have poured it down the drain in front of him, or drank it, and told him to get his own coffee. Abusers will do things one by one until you always think it's always your fault.

Same here. I would have thanked my bf (intention) and drank it. He would have done the same. The only other alternative is I might laugh, say `thank you Hon, I'll be right back' Gone down and got what I wanted. But for me, I choose my battles. This isn't one of them.

 

I do find it interested that when he has hostile, inappropriate reactions he insists that your reaction to that is wrong and he wants you to keep it to yourself. Why wouldn't he want that feedback, unless it causes him to rethink it? Instead you are the keeper of emotions. I can't think of a better definition of `walking on eggshells' His reaction is a choice. He also gets to experience the consequences of that choice.

 

Personally, I'd check him and tell him it's not ok, seeing this seems to be a pattern. I wouldn't just stay silent because he said so and go get him another coffee. He's conditioning you.

 

You've been in an abusive relationship before. It's pretty textbook you will find yourself drawn to another. It isn't until you understand why that you break the pattern. It seems you've been in this type of situation enough that you've lost track in what is considered appropriate and what isn't.

[reinventmyself]

There is a term I learned in therapy.

 

When you are unhappy, or in this case uncomfortable with something he did, in turn he:

1) doesn't have any empathy or take responsibility

2) in this case your discomfort was squashed and he made it all about him or jumped into the victim seat

 

'he just flipped you on the mat'

 

Just curious if you were to watch your interactions, I wonder how often, if you were to ask yourself, does he flip you on the mat and make it all about him. You on the other hand, never get your moment.

Just something to think about.

[maew]

I appreciate everyone’s advice and perspectives. His reaction yesterday pinged alarm bells in me but I have so much trouble trusting my gut in relationships so hearing all of your responses was helpful. I think I need to see a therapist or something to figure out why I’m seeking these sorts of relationships and how to stop. In my professional life I am in control and very high performing- people respect me and know not to push me around. I don’t know why I have trouble applying the same energy to my personal relationships.

 

I am the same OP and I don’t know about you, for me that perfectionistic / high performing behaviour was a way of getting people to like me, respect me and approve of me, and of avoiding intimacy. The behaviour translates into your relationship well (you bending over backwards to make him happy) but it isn’t received in the same way.

 

My exes were like this, my parents were like this... this isn’t an appropriate way for him to react to this situation and I am concerned it will escalate if you don’t stand up for yourself.

[catfeeder]

There is a term I learned in therapy.

 

When you are unhappy, or in this case uncomfortable with something he did, in turn he:

1) doesn't have any empathy or take responsibility

2) in this case your discomfort was squashed and he made it all about him or jumped into the victim seat

 

'he just flipped you on the mat'

 

Just curious if you were to watch your interactions, I wonder how often, if you were to ask yourself, does he flip you on the mat and make it all about him. You on the other hand, never get your moment.

Just something to think about.

 

So well said! Observe how often a person demo's empathy--toward you, and toward anyone else. A person's degree of self-centeredness will either be occasional and couched in humor or problem-solving, OR it will stand out like a sore thumb. You'll notice that 'mat flipping' is second nature to some people, and that's not just a red flag, it's a giant neon sign that flashes "RUN!".