jessie51 Posted May 27, 2019 Share Posted May 27, 2019 It's nearly 11pm, I'm staying up because I have a few things I want to get done before work tomorrow. Well that was the plan anyway, go in on Tuesday after the bank holiday all refreshed and ready for the week. Instead here I am, writing this, because my mind is racing, I can’t concentrate on anything but this. It bubbles up all the time and takes over all thought processes, especially in the evenings, when I’m usually most productive. His name is Finn, he joined my current company just over a year ago now, when he joined he was fairly chatty, what I would call a typical ‘lad’, not super intelligent. Just noisy and disrupting really. Yet, he had this energy, it became apparent so quickly. He would burst out with random phrases, walk around with this huge presence. He was confident and almost cocky. Yet, he also seemed interested in me. He would lean in to see what I was working on, take an interest in my life, tell me jokes. He did this with everyone and I watched the entire workplace warm towards him. This energy, this vibrance. Yet underneath it all, he was young and somewhat naive. He didn’t really enjoy the job, this was obvious after just a few months. Months went by and I felt more and more drawn to him. Attractive…yes, actually really attractive, why can’t I stop staring? He went to the gym a lot, counted his protein intake, always commented on other women…how attracted he was to them. His testosterone level must have been off the scale. I wondered if he thought I was attractive too? Did he look at me in the same way I looked at him? I found myself asking these questions more and more frequently. We grew closer and I tried to mimic his energy. We went running together, joined the same gym, discussed the next challenge. He was all I could think about. Yet…I was engaged, due to get married in just a couple of months, what was I doing? He was in a long term relationship. Both of us were not available. Yet both of us were unhappy. Finn tried to end his relationship. He announced to his girlfriend it was over. I announced to my fiancé that I didn’t want to get married. This crazy energy poured through my veins. I felt like this excited schoolgirl, we could run away together, be free and wild. This man that fills me with so much energy. Yet he’s so vain, young and so obsessed with every female, why do I even like him? It goes against everything. He didn’t walk away from his relationship, it hurt him too much. He went back to her within days of ending it. I couldn’t walk away from my fiancé, it ripped me apart. What was I doing? We’d been together for nearly 7 years, everything was great with us. What is wrong with me and why do I feel so sick. I can’t eat anything, my stomach feels like it has dried up? Finn leaves my current company. Yet I get married, go through with the wedding. It’s beautiful, a perfect day. I try to push Finn from my thoughts. The honeymoon is amazing, hmm, I haven't been on social media for ages, maybe I should post a picture of myself online. Maybe he will see it? I think back to the evening of the wedding, Finn was there. I’d been married just hours but my heart raced when he walked into the wedding venue. It’s now a couple of months since the wedding. After seeking advice from a close friend, I decided to be honest with Finn. I told him how I felt, maybe if I let it out I could finally move on, it’s like a poison taking over my mind. Silence. He didn’t talk to me for 2 days. I resisted the urge to chase. I left him be. Those 2 days felt like 2 weeks. He finally spoke to me, told me I was a fool to get married, admitted he had feelings for me too and that I was his ‘weakness’. What does that mean? I’m his mistake waiting to happen? We agree to be adults and go on with our lives. Stay friends but not to act on our urges. I feel empty everyday. Guilt eats away at me, why can’t I see how lucky I am? My husband loves me. Yet here I sit, my husband in bed, I’m unable to sleep and I’m now underweight. Food is not enjoyable anymore, a lot of things aren’t. I’ve carried on with the running and the gym, throwing myself into it harder than ever, secretly hoping I’ll see his car pull up in the car park. He posted photos today, of him and his girlfriend, smiling and happy. It’s been just over a month since the dreaded conversation. I keep crying when I drive home from work, it's the only time I get completely on my own…apart from now of course. Can someone please help. I know I’m an awful person, I’m not looking for sympathy. I just want to forget him, go back to how things were and appreciate what I have. This is ruining my life. Link to comment
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