Just a vent :/

[DancingFool]

but he pushed it....he said oh you don't have to tell me but then he pushed it. Yes I gave in it's my fault it always is! But he pushed it.

 

Yes, people do push and again, when someone does that, that's your clue right there that you are dealing with a problem individual. So treat this as a learning experience for you where going forward, when you come across someone who pushes, you know to drop them like a hot rock.

 

Overall, try to practice a sort of rule of three. First time someone asks, you respond politely with a no, second time they push, you respond with a firm no, third time they push, you give them the boot and mean it. No changing your mind and taking them back - that's the most critical part. Just because you give them the boot, doesn't mean that they will accept it and walk away. Pushy people can actually intensify and get worse. It's like dealing with a toddler having a tantrum. You cannot give in and reward the tantrum.

 

When someone disregards your boundaries and starts pushing, they are being rude, which means you have a full right to stop being nice to them as well.

[caraviolin]

Yes, people do push and again, when someone does that, that's your clue right there that you are dealing with a problem individual. So treat this as a learning experience for you where going forward, when you come across someone who pushes, you know to drop them like a hot rock.

 

Overall, try to practice a sort of rule of three. First time someone asks, you respond politely with a no, second time they push, you respond with a firm no, third time they push, you give them the boot and mean it. No changing your mind and taking them back - that's the most critical part. Just because you give them the boot, doesn't mean that they will accept it and walk away. Pushy people can actually intensify and get worse. It's like dealing with a toddler having a tantrum. You cannot give in and reward the tantrum.

 

When someone disregards your boundaries and starts pushing, they are being rude, which means you have a full right to stop being nice to them as well.

 

ok Thanks; I followed the first and second time but gave in after he kept prodding me. I didn't think it would work out with him in the beginning nbecause of him living at home and he is a smoker (I sing opera) but his personality became so incredible to me I pushed those aside. IDK I just feel absolutely horrible today.

[figureitout23]

ok Thanks; I followed the first and second time but gave in after he kept prodding me. I didn't think it would work out with him in the beginning nbecause of him living at home and he is a smoker (I sing opera) but his personality became so incredible to me I pushed those aside. IDK I just feel absolutely horrible today.

 

Are you seeing a therapist?

[bluecastle]

I feel horrible today. I feel overloaded, sad, frustrated, and angry. I can't stop crying. I feel I am melting down. This is so unfair. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't stop crying.

 

I'm going to second FiO's question about whether or not you're seeing a therapist.

 

Because these seven sentences? They are what therapy—not dating, casually or otherwise—is for.

 

As for this guy? Well, I think with a little touch of therapy you wouldn't be nearly so confused about the whole thing. One, he sounds lame, pushy, not worth your time. Two, you don't even sound interested in him, but just interested in having him (or someone) interested in you.

 

You said it yourself that you used dating as a "diversion"—that's great, because it's awareness. Next step is harnessing that awareness into new behavior, so you don't find yourself in the sort of knot that is always created when people try to create a bunch of arbitrary rules to differentiate between hanging out/hooking up/having sex and being in a relationship.

 

I feel for you, caraviolin. But I'm just a collection of pixels on your screen. It's time that you feel for yourself, and give yourself some love by getting a little professional help to shine some light on some dark corners. Been there myself, and wouldn't be who I am today without that help.

[DancingFool]

ok Thanks; I followed the first and second time but gave in after he kept prodding me. I didn't think it would work out with him in the beginning nbecause of him living at home and he is a smoker (I sing opera) but his personality became so incredible to me I pushed those aside. IDK I just feel absolutely horrible today.

 

I mean you are supposed to feel angry when people eff you over.....but also....don't beat yourself up over missteps in life, just learn for the next time.

 

Like somewhere in life you associated pushiness with caring. Now you know that's not true, so you can disconnect that association so next time you see someone pushing your boundaries, you know to boot them. That goes for all kinds of relationships in life, not just romantic ones.

 

Add on top of that dealing with aging sick parent and it's tough. So be sure to be kind to yourself. Do something for yourself daily even if it's just going for a nice walk in the park. Do something that calms you and helps you unwind a bit. Think simple stuff, simple little pleasures. You can do more of that regularly than any kind of big things.

[catfeeder]

I'm going to second FiO's question about whether or not you're seeing a therapist.

 

Because these seven sentences? They are what therapy—not dating, casually or otherwise—is for.

 

I agree. This is the kind of stuff that plays out when you don't own clarity about what YOU want--up front. It makes you a candle in the wind trying to 'make' someone like you enough to become a good match for you.

 

That's not dating, because it's not screening. It's catering to the pretense of 'casual' so you can try to manipulate a relationship out of that. This positions you to beat yourself up when that doesn't work out--and it's not likely to work out.

 

So start with self honesty. If you're relationship material, then own it. This will give you a solid platform from which to operate and screen out bad matches BEFORE involving yourself with them. Anyone who doesn't describe himself as relationship material can be written off as a bad match rather than engaged in a power struggle while you pretend that you're not relationship material, either.

 

When you are not clear about where you stand on relationships BEFORE trying to enter them, you set yourself up to believe in magical thinking that you can transform a bad match into a good one. When that fails, you feel like a failure instead of dodging that bullet in the first place and feeling GOOD about that.

 

Consider therapy to get clear about what you want and why you deserve it. Then you won't tangle with people who will never give it to you, and you won't blame yourself for failing to convert them.

 

Advice from grandma: "The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you don't own the self respect to avoid picking up the snake to play with it."

 

Head high.

[caraviolin]

Hi everyone.

 

So I've read and reread all of your messages. I did a lot of thinking. I've come up with some points that I realized through your help. Please understand I am aware of how unhealthy some of the realizations are; this is really just a musings post:

 

There were poisoned feelings. In the end the resentment may have been a factor in the relationship fading.

 

The oal sex done on me was the turning point. Afterwards, I felt validated to have him do even more work in the communication, and my initiating dates created even more resentment. The oral sex made me feel disrespected, so messaging him first made me mad. So I hardly ever texted him first. I retreated into a shell after the oral sex. I see that now.

 

I was disrespected by the sex, but instead of communicating how I felt, I retreated and figured I'd make him chase me even more. The times I had to initiate the dates made me feel even more resentful. How could he do that, and make me text first or initiate dates when I literally put aside sexual assault for him. It was poison, that resentment.

 

I retreated; he grew frustrated but he never saw me as long term anyway. Otherwise, he would've told me, hey can you text me more?It didn't matter to him much. That's because I was never longer term. He may have even pushed the oral sex BECAUSE it wasn't longer term. So he had nothing to lose.

 

Based on what bluecastle said: I understand now that unfortunately I was craving so much attention due to past trauma and neglect. The reason why I was attracted to D was largely in part due to the fact he was chasing me. I knew, when I slept with him, I'd be feeling what it was like to be touched by someone who really desired me. If I strip away all the texts and care, what i'm left with wouldn't seem nearly as attractive to me.

 

The idea of sex with him was so hot because I knew I'd feel desire in his hands. That;s what I was missing for all these years. And I wanted that right away. I thought the smoking and the odd jobs and harsh look would not be appropriate to bring home to my parents, thus why i wanted the hookup. Unfortunately i developed feelings.

 

However hooking up might have a good point to it: I found out he is too pushy that way and we aren't sexually compatible. So that lessens the blow.

 

Alllll this shows how damaged I've become as a person, in my life. D's appeal was in the desire he had for me. The use, abuse, and neglect I suffered in the past pushed me ultimately into an insatiable, impatient desire for the immediate touch of a man who truly wanted me. This shows how deep my insecurities are. It's sad, but I recognize i tnow.

 

My sexual issues stem from being taught as just a youngun that pushiness and conquest is love. But it isn't .

 

I grow anxious when I text men first, because if I do not get a reply within an hour, I get scared that they are playing games with me. If they reach out first, I don't put myself in a vulnerable position.It is something I need to work on and I know that now.

[bluecastle]

Sounds like you've been doing some good thinking.

 

One thing I'll say is to try, during these emotional/analytical deep dives that get triggered by weird little entanglements, to approach it all with self-compassion. No need, basically, to take the D Experience and land firmly on you being Damaged Goods.

 

What you are is a human, a forever work in progress spotting some work that needs to be done. Humans are complicated, imperfect, ever-searching, ever-stumbling. We're always aiming for the bullseye. We often miss. Sometimes we really, really miss—and when we do that, and do it more than once, it's just a moment to step back, take stock, and sharpen our aim a bit. Those moments can be as beautiful and satisfying as any—orgasmic in their own way, without any of the weirdness.

 

To do that we can't just bash our selves, you know? You came here expecting us to scold you. Instead we've listened. So don't scold yourself with labels like "damaged." Just keep listening. That's basically what therapy is—learning to listen to yourself, building that skill, which is why I've mentioned it here. Chin-ups for the biceps, squats for the quads, therapy for the head and heart—that's my take, at least. Keeps me pretty nimble.

 

We all want to feel desired. No shame in that. Give me the basics—food, shelter—and desire/being desired ain't far behind. Throw some hurt my way—a breakup, say—and those urges (for touch, for escape, even some punishment) magnify and distort that basic desire. Has that lead me into my own versions of your dance with D? Big time. Many times. It happens. It's okay. A dent to be buffed out, not permanent damage.

 

Not sure if any of that resonates. Guess I'm just saying to keep thinking as you are, turning over the rocks and asking questions. But be gentle with yourself too. Respect the fragility where you see it—no judgement, since judging it can lead you to attach onto people who reinforce those judgements rather than you see you, and treat you, more gently.

[Batya33]

Often it's not about sexual incompatibility but about not knowing the person well enough before you have sex. And of course if someone pressures you in the way you described there is no compatibility by definition.

[Wiseman2]

Ok all this is excellent insight and fairly easy to resolve.

1) don't hookup, you're not cut out for that. Random sex isn't a form of validation.

2) don't chase guys, text first, etc. let someone reveal their interest.

3) never engage in sexual situations you're not comfortable with. Walk away. Learn to say "no".

4) don't mistake horny for "desire" or "caring".

5) don't date "bad boys" if you see no value or long term potential in that.

6) don't cut off your nose to spite your face in order to rebel against your parents.

 

He may have even pushed the oral sex BECAUSE it wasn't longer term. So he had nothing to lose.

 

I thought the smoking and the odd jobs and harsh look would not be appropriate to bring home to my parents, thus why i wanted the hookup.

[caraviolin]

Ok all this is excellent insight and fairly easy to resolve.

1) don't hookup, you're not cut out for that. Random sex isn't a form of validation.

2) don't chase guys, text first, etc. let someone reveal their interest.

3) never engage in sexual situations you're not comfortable with. Walk away. Learn to say "no".

4) don't mistake horny for "desire" or "caring".

5) don't date "bad boys" if you see no value or long term potential in that.

6) don't cut off your nose to spite your face in order to rebel against your parents.

 

I take offense to the last part. I'd NEVER EVER EVER EVER do that to my parents. I've been an angel child to them. I never went through an period of rebellion and have practically given up my entire life right now in order to take care of my father right now. I know you don't know me, but to say the last line is presumptuous and pretty hurtful. I am only trying to reason and come to terms with WHY I have certain beliefs and values about me. kibnda hard to forget about those when at 8 years old you have a mother telling you certain things on how women are supposed to behave, you know?

[caraviolin]

Sounds like you've been doing some good thinking.

 

One thing I'll say is to try, during these emotional/analytical deep dives that get triggered by weird little entanglements, to approach it all with self-compassion. No need, basically, to take the D Experience and land firmly on you being Damaged Goods.

 

What you are is a human, a forever work in progress spotting some work that needs to be done. Humans are complicated, imperfect, ever-searching, ever-stumbling. We're always aiming for the bullseye. We often miss. Sometimes we really, really miss—and when we do that, and do it more than once, it's just a moment to step back, take stock, and sharpen our aim a bit. Those moments can be as beautiful and satisfying as any—orgasmic in their own way, without any of the weirdness.

 

To do that we can't just bash our selves, you know? You came here expecting us to scold you. Instead we've listened. So don't scold yourself with labels like "damaged." Just keep listening. That's basically what therapy is—learning to listen to yourself, building that skill, which is why I've mentioned it here. Chin-ups for the biceps, squats for the quads, therapy for the head and heart—that's my take, at least. Keeps me pretty nimble.

 

We all want to feel desired. No shame in that. Give me the basics—food, shelter—and desire/being desired ain't far behind. Throw some hurt my way—a breakup, say—and those urges (for touch, for escape, even some punishment) magnify and distort that basic desire. Has that lead me into my own versions of your dance with D? Big time. Many times. It happens. It's okay. A dent to be buffed out, not permanent damage.

 

Not sure if any of that resonates. Guess I'm just saying to keep thinking as you are, turning over the rocks and asking questions. But be gentle with yourself too. Respect the fragility where you see it—no judgement, since judging it can lead you to attach onto people who reinforce those judgements rather than you see you, and treat you, more gently.

 

thanks bluecastle, and thanks Batya.